愛情殺手：破壞愛情的15個(gè)壞習(xí)慣

Last April, just after dinner, Brian sat me down on the couch and said something that was the equivalent of the heart-stopping phrase, "We have to talk."

去年四月，剛剛吃過晚飯，Brian 讓我坐在沙發(fā)上，用一種嚴(yán)肅而又緊張的語氣說道：“我們得談一談”。

I remember this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, followed by the thought, Oh no, what have I done?

我依舊記得這種不是很好的感覺就像是有東西在胃里翻滾。緊隨其后的是想，哦，不，我做了什么?

With the passing of my sister, D

Although some bad habits may seem minor, over time they can really add up and damage the relationship. Often, people underestimate how damaging these seemingly silly habits can be. If your guilty of any of these relationship habits, make changes to help nurture and grow your relationship instead of damaging it.

有些壞習(xí)慣雖然看起來微不足道，但它們卻會(huì)隨著時(shí)間的推移逐漸積聚，以致破壞感情。人們往往會(huì)低估這些愚蠢習(xí)慣的嚴(yán)重性。若你察覺了自身染上了這些戀愛病，那就作出改變，修塑內(nèi)在，學(xué)會(huì)培養(yǎng)而非破壞感情。

1. Nagging Too Much

喋喋不休

Many studies have pointed to nagging as being the number one factor that makes men dissatisfied with their relationships. Don’t nag your partner. Remember that your partner doesn’t have to do things according to your timeline and nagging will only make the situation worse.

多項(xiàng)調(diào)查表明嘮叨已成為男士不滿戀情的頭號因素。不要對你的伴侶喋喋不休。記住，對方?jīng)]有義務(wù)按照你的行程表做事，一味地抱怨只會(huì)讓事情變得更糟。

2. Not Taking Care of Yourself

不會(huì)照顧自己

You aren’t going to be a good partner unless you take care of yourself. The best partners are people who care for their emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Take care of yourself so you can give to your relationship.

只有照顧好了自己，才會(huì)成為理想情人。那些能照顧自己感情、身體以及精神的人，才是最佳愛人。唯獨(dú)把自己照顧好了，你的感情才會(huì)得到呵護(hù)。

3. Taking Your Partner for Granted

視對方為理所當(dāng)然

The longer you’ve been together the easier it can be to take your partner for granted. Take time to appreciate your partner every day so that you don’t overlook how fortunate you are.

兩人在一起的時(shí)間越久，就越容易漠視對方的存在。要在每一天里去感激你的愛人，如此你才不會(huì)低估自己的幸運(yùn)。

4. Half-Listening

敷衍了事

It can be easy to nod your head or say you agree to something without ever really hearing what your partner said. Half-listening to what your partner is one of those relationship habits that can lead to a lot of problems. Work on your communication so you can truly listen to what your partner has to say.

對方說話時(shí)，在沒有真正傾聽對方的情況下就點(diǎn)頭或贊同當(dāng)然容易。對伴侶所說的話漫不經(jīng)心是引發(fā)一系列矛盾的原因之一。要認(rèn)真交流，這樣你才能真正收聽到對方的訊號。

5. Avoiding Discussions About Problems

逃避探討問題

Ignoring problems won’t make them disappear. In fact, many problems get worse when you don’t address them. Don’t avoid your relationship problems. Instead, be willing to tackle them in an adult manner.

漠視問題的存在不會(huì)解決問題。事實(shí)上，多數(shù)問題你若不去處理，事態(tài)反而會(huì)變得更糟。所以不要逃避，而應(yīng)該用成年人的方式去處理。

6. Not Being Assertive

不夠果敢

Pretending to agree with your partner when you aren’t really sure is one of those habits. It can lead to anger and resentment over time. Speak up and share your feelings in a respectful manner.

在你舉棋不定時(shí)佯裝贊同附和對方是戀愛通病之一。隨著時(shí)間的累積，這將會(huì)引發(fā)不滿和忿恨。用尊重彼此的方式大聲說出你的心聲，與對方分享你的情感吧。

7. Testing Your Partner’s Loyalty

測試對方的忠誠

Don’t test your partner’s loyalty. It will likely backfire over time. Instead, focus on your own loyalty toward your partner.

不要測試對方的忠誠。時(shí)間久了只會(huì)適得其反。取而代之的是你得注意一下自己的忠貞。

8. Complaining About Your Partner

抱怨對方

Don’t call your mother or your best friend to complain about your partner. If you are upset or don’t like your partner’s behavior, talk to your partner directly.

不要邀上你的媽媽或閨蜜一起抱怨你的伴侶。如果你不滿或不喜歡對方的表現(xiàn)，那就直接告訴對方

9. Not Balancing Friend and Family Time

不會(huì)平衡與親友相處的時(shí)間

Spending time with friends and family is part of being a well-balanced person. However, if you spend too much time with others, you could neglect your relationship. Strive to find just the right balance and it will help keep your relationship fresh and exciting.

花時(shí)間陪伴好友和家人是懂得時(shí)間平衡之人的一部分。但是，如果你在這方面花去了大部分時(shí)間，那你的感情就會(huì)遭到冷遇。所以要努力尋找適宜的平衡點(diǎn)，這樣你們的戀情才會(huì)新鮮刺激。

10. Using the Silent Treatment

沉默對待

The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive tactic that can harm your relationship. It is often about control and not about trying to calm down. Learn how to address your issues in a more productive manner

沉默是傷感情的消極攻擊策略。這往往是想要控制對方而非嘗試去平靜心態(tài)的表現(xiàn)。所以要以更加有效的方式去處理你的情感糾紛。

11. Taking Teasing Too Far

過分戲謔

Although a little teasing can lead to a good laugh, taking teasing too far can damage the relationship. Don’t embarrass your partner in front of others or continue to tease when your partner asks you to stop

偶爾的調(diào)侃能制造歡樂，但若越界卻只會(huì)破壞感情。不要讓你的伴侶在眾人面前出丑，也不要在對方叫停時(shí)仍然不知趣地繼續(xù)戲謔。

12. Telling “White Lies”

撒“善意的”謊言

One of the worst relationship habits is lying. Even those little white lies can seriously damage your relationship. Whether you aren’t honest about how much you spent on a shopping trip or where you went last, it can destroy the relationship.

撒謊是戀愛時(shí)最糟糕的習(xí)慣。即使是不起眼的善意謊言也會(huì)嚴(yán)重影響你們的感情。無論你謊報(bào)購物花銷還是先前去向，這都會(huì)傷害感情。

13. Focusing on Your Happiness Only

只在乎自己的快樂

Too often, people focus on what they’re gaining from the relationship rather than focusing on what they’re giving. Whether you’re happy or not, put effort into making your partner happy.

通常，人們只在乎自己從戀愛中得到了什么而非付出了哪些。無論你快樂與否，你都要盡力讓你的愛人開心。

14. Keeping Score

斤斤計(jì)較

Don’t keep score about who earned what or whose turn it is next. Instead, focus on working together as a team to do what’s best for the relationship.

不要計(jì)較得失，也不要在意下回是誰的主。相反，你們要合二為一全心去相互協(xié)作，為這份感情做最好的努力。

15. Making a Scene in Public

公共場合大吵大鬧

Throwing a fit at a restaurant, yelling on the sidewalk, or exhibiting the silent treatment at a friend’s party can all be very damaging to the relationship. Avoid making a scene in public. Instead, keep your private business just between the two of you.

無論是在餐廳里發(fā)脾氣，人行道上怒吼還是在友人派對上上演啞劇，這都會(huì)嚴(yán)重影響到你們的感情。要避免在公共場合大吵大鬧。所以，把私人問題拿回家里關(guān)門處理。

ebbie, in February, we had both been through several brutal months, trying our best to survive as she slipped away from us. Neither one of us were getting much sleep, both of us deep in our grief, and I was finally back at work trying to tackle not one, but three, gigantic projects.

在過去的兩個(gè)月，對我們來說是十分殘酷的，我們盡最大的努力走出失去姐姐Debbie的陰影里。因?yàn)槌两诒粗?，我們整夜的失眠，難以入睡。我也終于回到我的工作崗位，解決三個(gè)大項(xiàng)目。

In the sweetest, most gentle voice, Brian began to share with me his massive concern for my health and well-being. With tears in his eyes, he told me he really felt that if I didn't stop the long, intense hours and stressing out so much, he was afraid I would get very sick and possibly even "work myself to death."

在Brian 最甜美，最溫柔的聲音，他開始與我分享他的一些情緒，他表示很關(guān)心我的健康和內(nèi)心的幸福感。淚水在他的眼中打轉(zhuǎn)，他告訴我，他真的覺得，如果我不停止長期而又高強(qiáng)度的工作，他很怕我會(huì)生病難受，甚至“過勞死。”

As someone who has always been able to accomplish major things, juggle lots of simultaneous projects and withstand huge amounts of pressure, I normally would have just assured him that I could "power" through this period and deal with it all.

正如有些人可以很好的完成一些重要的事情，忙里忙外大量同時(shí)進(jìn)行的項(xiàng)目，并承受大量的壓力，我向他保證，我也是其中一員，有足夠的力量應(yīng)付這一切。

But there was something in the way he was approaching the conversation that made me stop and listen. With his sincere, openhearted vulnerability, I really, really heard him.And, I got that he was right.I was no longer the person who could do it all. My nervous system was shredded. I was out of "reserves" and running on fumes.

但是他采取了另一種方式靠近我，讓我安靜下來聽他說話，和他交談。隨著他的真誠，坦難以掩飾的關(guān)心，我真的，真的聽到了他內(nèi)心的聲音。他是對的!我不再是那個(gè)可以頂著壓力完成一堆一堆項(xiàng)目的人了。現(xiàn)在我的神經(jīng)系統(tǒng)處于半撕裂狀態(tài)，處于儲(chǔ)存能量的階段，整個(gè)狀態(tài)感覺在云端漫步。

As I sat there, trying to take it all in, trying to figure out what to "do" about my situation, I remembered something Debbie whispered to me in the middle of the night:"Take more vacations."I spent the next several days looking the calendar, trying to see when I could take a vacation and for how long.

我坐在那兒，試圖想清楚我的一些情況，試圖知道應(yīng)該怎么做才能很好的解決這一情況。我突然想起Debbie夜半時(shí)曾在我耳邊說：“給自己個(gè)假期吧”。接下來的幾天，我一直在看日歷，試圖找出我可以休假多長時(shí)間。

And then it dawned on me: I didn't just need a week or two on a tropical island. I need a big, long, extended break. I needed to rest, rejuvenate, re-boot and re-think the rest of my life.

然后，我突然明白了，我需要的不是一個(gè)或者兩個(gè)星期在熱帶島嶼上度假，而是一個(gè)長長的休息時(shí)間，我需要休息，恢復(fù)，重新整理和思考我的余生。

On August 1, I stopped working. Completely!I turned off my cell phone and put it in a drawer.I turned on the auto-responder to my email and then recorded a new voicemail on my phones to announce that, for the next six weeks, I would be completely, totally unavailable, and I began my sabbatical.

在八月一日，我完全的停止了工作。我關(guān)掉手機(jī)，把它放在一個(gè)抽屜里。我打開了電子郵件的自動(dòng)回復(fù)，然后在我的手機(jī)上錄下一種新的語音郵件，宣布在接下來的六周，我就完全，完全的休息下來不工作了，就這樣，我開始了我的休假。

One of my ongoing thoughts was: What if I get bored? How would I fill my days? Could I really do this? Completely unplug?I am happy to report, yes!

我有一個(gè)想法一直占據(jù)我的大腦：如果我感到厭煩?我將如何豐富我的生活呢?難道我真的要這樣做嗎?真的可以徹底離開我個(gè)工作?現(xiàn)在，我可以很高興回答大家，是的!我可以!

For the past 83 days, I have been sleeping in, taking naps (for the first time ever), reading lots of books (some of my favorites have been The Dalai Lama's Cat and Elizabeth Gilbert's new novel The Signature of All Things plus several James Patterson mysteries). Brian and I are playing tennis and taking tons of beach walks; we've traveled to Bora Bora, Italy and Romania; I'm cooking more and resting a lot.

在過去的83天里，我每日睡午覺(這真是有史以來第一次如此)，閱讀大量的書籍(比如所，我一直很喜歡的Dalai Lama's的《貓》、Elizabeth Gilbert的新小說、萬物的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)、James Patterson的《秘密》)Brian 和我打網(wǎng)球，在海灘上漫步，我們來去Bora Bora, Italy and Romania游玩了一圈。我做飯次數(shù)越來越多，安靜了不少。

Every time I'd get an idea for a new project, I'd sit down and close my eyes, breathe deeply and wait for it to pass. If the idea persisted, I wrote it down and then forgot about it (for now). I've worked with my doctors to restore my energy levels, had many visits with the acupuncturist and chiropractor and my amazing partners at Evolving Wisdom gave me a huge gift of many massages.

每當(dāng)我對新項(xiàng)目有了一個(gè)新想法，我就會(huì)坐下來閉上眼睛，深呼吸，等待他慢慢的離開我的思想。如果這個(gè)想法能夠一直留在我的想法里，我會(huì)把它下來，然后忘記他。我和我的醫(yī)生正在努力恢復(fù)我的能量水平。找了很多針灸師和按摩師以及一個(gè)小伙伴給我了一個(gè)大大的驚喜。

During this healing time, I decided to reinvent how I "do" life.One of my biggest 'aha' moments is that "I am now experiencing a new kind of aliveness that is not fueled by adrenalin."

在這段休閑的時(shí)間里，我決定重塑我的生活。一個(gè)讓我覺著可以驚嘆的瞬間是：“我正在體驗(yàn)一種新的生活方式，而不是使我的腎上腺素進(jìn)行生長。”

Without the tyranny of a to-do list eating up every minute of my day, I have made time to have some deep, meaningful、conversations with several girlfriends who I've discovered are also "hitting the wall" and ready to make major changes. We have all admitted to being "busyness addicts," and we may even start a support group!

如今沒有待辦事項(xiàng)來占用我所有的時(shí)間，我可以有更多的時(shí)間和我的一些好友一起做一些深層次的有意義的對話。和一些在平時(shí)常常因?yàn)槊β翟诤魡九笥殉鲇螘r(shí)屢屢“碰壁”而又有決心做出重大改變的朋友。我們都覺著自己是“忙碌成癮者”我們甚至可能會(huì)啟動(dòng)一個(gè)互相支持小組!

In the past, I often defined myself by my work, and I hate to admit this, but my ego took a lot of pride in "just how much I can accomplish" in an hour or a day or a week.

在過去，我的工作常常被認(rèn)為是我這個(gè)人的全部表現(xiàn)，雖然我很討厭承認(rèn)這一點(diǎn)，但是我花了很多時(shí)間比如一個(gè)小時(shí)，一天或者是一個(gè)星期，在為“到底有多少事情，我可以做到”而驕傲。

Years ago, when I worked as Deepak Chopra's publicist, he used to call me "speedy," and I thought that was a good thing! Too bad I wasn't listening more closely when Deepak was telling me how stressing out was not good for my health.

幾年前，當(dāng)我擔(dān)任Deepak Chopra的公關(guān)，他習(xí)慣叫我“迅速，”我認(rèn)為這是一件好事!現(xiàn)在想想真是太糟糕了，我沒有聽的更加仔細(xì)，其實(shí)這樣高壓力是不利于我的健康的。

Today, I am done working for a living.I am eliminating the word "work" from my vocabulary, and I plan to spend half my time diving into projects that provide me creativity, fun, freedom and offer some level of contribution and prosperity.

今天，我為了生活而工作。我把“工作”這個(gè)詞從我的字典里移除了，我計(jì)劃花費(fèi)半天的時(shí)間，深入的了解我的創(chuàng)意、自由、樂趣，并把它們運(yùn)用在我的項(xiàng)目中。

My biggest fear is that as I begin to return to the real world and begin some projects, my old habits will emerge. I expect that there will be days when I slip. Days when I begin to spin out of control or get caught up in the delusion that anything that I am doing is more important than taking care of myself.

我最大的擔(dān)心是，當(dāng)我開始回到現(xiàn)實(shí)世界，開始了一些項(xiàng)目，我的老習(xí)慣會(huì)出現(xiàn)。我預(yù)計(jì)將有天當(dāng)我滑倒，或者當(dāng)我開始失控或陷入妄想什么的時(shí)候，我能清楚的知道我過的是比照顧自己更重要的日子。

These will be the days when I need to remember my commitment to being a Wabi Sabi Love artisan -- someone who finds beauty and perfection in her own imperfection. Just as I am now re-writing and shifting the story of how I "do life," so must I find compassion for the part of me who still thinks she can do it all.

這將會(huì)是我需要要記住的日子，我需要記住我的承諾做一個(gè)具有Wabi-sabi Love精神的工匠，就是一個(gè)懂得發(fā)現(xiàn)美和完善自己不完美的人。就拿我現(xiàn)在重新書寫這個(gè)關(guān)于我應(yīng)該如何過人生的故事來說，我必須找到其他人同樣認(rèn)為值得思考而他們也會(huì)做的事情。