TED演講：簡單愛，但不將就

So let me tell you a love story. Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a land I Googled to be 5172 miles away. I met a guy and he was perfect. So I'll tell you the meeting story.

讓我告訴你們一個愛情故事。就在不久之前，在一個谷歌上說位于5172英里以外的地方 ，我遇到一個完美的人，我跟你們講一講我們是怎么認識的吧。

I`d just taped this really cool TV show about experimenting with your sexuality. And I met him at the after-party through one of our famous friends who was a DJ. He was tall, dark, handsome, kind of rock star and a little bit emotionally unavailable.

我當時在拍一個特別酷的關于性取向實驗的電視節(jié)目。然后我在慶功派對上通過一個有名的DJ朋友認識他。他很高，很帥，膚色黝黑，算是個搖滾明星，有點遙不可及的感覺。

Very soon. We were spending all of our time together. we threw these really cool parties for all of our cool friends, we went backstage at every festival and when my hands were cold, you would take them under his arms to warm them up.

然后我們進展的很快，天天在一起，我們在一起給朋友們開派對，每次演唱我們都會跑到后臺去親熱，要是我手冷了，他會把我的手放在他胳膊下邊取暖。

He was my best friends and I thought we'd be together forever. And so strong was that belief that when the warning signs came, I just ignored them. Until the day that I couldn't ignore them anymore.

他曾是我最好的朋友，我曾經以為我們能永遠在一起，而且堅信不疑，以至于我忽略了那些曾經出現(xiàn)的警告信號，直到有一天，我再也不能不略他們了。

I've become quite unwell, I wasn't so pretty anymore. And I definitely couldn`t go out to any of the parties. In fact, I was for the first time in my life actually vulnerable because I was miscarrying a baby.

我身體變得很差，我再也不那么好看了，而且我再也不能去參加聚會了。事實上那是我人生中第一次變得那么脆弱，因為我流產了，失去了我們的孩子。

And at that point, When I was at my weakest, he left. It's not a joke, aha, coming downstairs and you know what, but I would have followed him out of the door to the ends of the Earth. but I couldn't get out of my bed.

但是就在我最虛弱的時候，他離開了我，這不是笑話。他下樓的時候你知道嗎？我本會跟著他出門，然后隨他浪跡天涯。但是我下不了床。

when I did get up. I found that our house had been stripped bare. The paintings were gone from the walls and the rooms that we used to dance in together were empty. I walked around those rooms like an animal, howling.

當我們能下床的時候，我發(fā)現(xiàn)我們的房子被搬空了。墻上的畫不見了，我們平時跳舞的房間也空了。我就像野獸一樣咆哮著在那些空房間里走來走去。

Picking myself up off the literal floor that day. I had to recognize that after all of this excitement and this joy and this fantasy, the end of all that love, I had nothing. And you know what that wasn't even the first time something like that had happened to me.

那天，當我自己從地板上站起來的時候，我不得不承認在所有的那些興奮/歡快和幻想之后，在這份愛情的最后，我一無所有，而且你知道嗎？這還不是我第一次經歷這種事情。

I was a magnet for chaos. I like chaos. Because when I was in chaos, I didn't have to confront anything about who I was. Truthfully, I hadn`t known who I was for years .because on the floor that day, I did have someone, I had myself, but for a long time that had come to feel like it was meant nothing. and it was invaluable.

我以前就像一個糟糕生活的磁鐵，我很喜歡糟糕的生活。因為當我生活一團糟的時候我就不必面對任何有關“我是誰”的問題，事實上，在那之前我已經很多年都不知道“我是誰”了。因為那天在地板上，我并不是一無所有，我還有我自己。但是之前很長一段時間我還有自己，這件事感覺好像沒有任何意義。但是這件事非?？少F。

So I know it seems a bit self- indulgent to come out here today and talk to you guys about like effectively a break-up story. But it was one of a chain of many incidences that made me think maybe there's other people like me. Maybe there's other people that aren`t approaching love in the right way.

所以我知道我今天知道我來到這里實際上就是講一個分手的故事，好像看起來有點只顧我自己表現(xiàn)了。但是分手這件事是很多事件當中的一個重要環(huán)節(jié)，這些事情讓我想到“也許還有其他人，”像我一樣用錯誤的方式追求著愛情。

Because I think we've all had experiences, right? They look like love, they feel like love. But when you open them up, there's nothing loving about them. But we continued to chase love because I think love is sold to us. as almost like the ultimate solution to ourselves.

因為我們覺得我們都有相似的經歷，對嗎？他們看起來就像愛情，感覺也想愛情，但當你把他們打開來仔細看到時候，你發(fā)現(xiàn)那根本就不是愛情。但是我們還在尋找愛情，沒有停止。因為我覺得愛情幾乎被我們當成解決自身問題的最終答案。

The things that makes our past okay, that gives us a direction for the future and imbues our everyday reality with meaning. I think love can be beautiful. I think it can be exciting.but I think sometimes it can also be an act of escapism.

愛情讓我們釋懷了過去，給我們未來的方向。讓我們每天的生活都有了人意義，雖然我認為愛情可以是美好的，愛情可以是激動人心的，但是我認為它有的時候也是一種逃避現(xiàn)實的行為。

And I `ve had a long time to think about this. As the introduction said. I am the artist formerly known as the UK`s leading dating expert. And before that I was a ghost writer in the pickup industry.

而且關于這個問題我想了很久，就像介紹里邊說的那樣，我以前是英國頂級的約會專家，在那之前我是約會網站的代寫專家。

And I volg about the reality of love on my YouTube. And now I have a completely different approach, a very minimalist strategy when it comes to dating. And that's really because I'm concerned that in our quest for love, sometimes it can be the ultimate distraction to fixing ourselves.

我在油管上做關于愛情的真實情況的日常生活視頻，但是我現(xiàn)在對于約會有了完全不同的方式，是一種極簡主義的策略。而這卻是是因為我擔心，在我們追求愛情的過程中，愛情有時會成為極大的干擾，讓我們不能專注于解決自身的問題。

But gradually,you know what, A great thing happened is that I came back into the room, I became aware again, my mind start to work. I reconnected with my family. The friends that were left with the good ones.

但是漸漸的，你知道嗎？ 發(fā)生了一件好事，那就是我回到之前和做一些真正使我們快樂的事情，因為，不要誤解我的意思，我當然認為渴望依戀他人，渴望親密關系，渴望愛情，這些目標都是自然的，都是人的本性，都是好的。

But I think sometimes the way we go about them is a bit weird. Weather That's crazy ridiculous on off destructive relationships or needing to go out on a date every single night of the week with a different person,

但我覺得人們追求這些目標的方式有時有點奇怪，不管是瘋狂的，荒唐的，時斷時續(xù)的，具有破壞性的戀情，還是需要每天晚上都和不同的人出去約會。

You know like the hip form of dating, where you have someone on the back burner, someone on the front burner, someone under the grill, and then someone else over there in the freezer, just in case, god forbid. You spend a night by yourself.

你知道的，現(xiàn)在流行的約會模式，就行烤肉似的，后邊的烤架上有人，前邊的烤架上有人，底下有人，然后冰箱里還有個備胎。這么多的對象，就是讓自己千萬別有一天晚上獨自度過。

In this, it feels really like loneliness is the driver or escapism is the driver not love. So I`m kind of starting to preach the opposite believe now, that,of course. the answer lies not in another person, but within yourself.

似乎人們出去約會是害怕孤獨，或者是為了逃避現(xiàn)實而約會，而不是因為愛情，所以我現(xiàn)在要開始宣揚一種與此相反的觀點。那就是約會的真諦不在于別人，而在于你自己。

Because I think sometimes the melodrama of love takes us further away rather than closer. To who we actually are. So I find my dating advice is gradually shrinking down to be essentially go meditate, get some therapy, read a book.

因為我覺得有時候愛情當中的狗血劇情，會讓人們和真實的自我越來越遠，而不是越來越近，所以我發(fā)現(xiàn)現(xiàn)在的約會建議逐漸的濃縮到一句話，其實就是自己冥想，去做心里治療，讀本書。

It's not what you would call like a sexy strategy for the millennial generation. A generation that is used to 4G download speeds. skyping a friend aboard, and Netflix and chill with someone you just met from Tinder.

這對我們千禧世代肯定不是一個很酷的建議，我們這代人習慣了在4G網絡的下載速度。習慣了和國外的朋友視頻聊天，習慣了和剛在交友軟件上認識的人約會。

Um, so I think when we`re used to expecting everything we want right here. Right now, when we can't just vend an automatic level of human connection, we not only feel like we're getting it wrong, but like we're not getting what we`re entitled to.

所以我覺得當我們習慣了想要的什么東西就隨手可得，當我們不能用一種自然的方式，形成人與人之間的連接的時候，我們不只是覺得我們好像哪里做錯了，而且我們還會覺得這不是我們應得的。

And then you just take one look at instagram , everybody else has it sorted out? And we sort of live in a culture that surrounds us, telling us that we should have fallen in love or be falling in love, or at least have great sex, right?

然后你看一下社交軟件，除了你以外，所有人都把這件事搞明白了，我們好像生活在這樣一種文化氛圍里，就是好像我們每個人都應該沉浸在愛河里，或者正愛上某人，至少過的性福，對吧？

Like yesterday, you know, let's face it, who actually enters into the arena of love looking to maybe become a better person to be kinder to have more integrity to get more grounded. No one does that It`s because our eyes are off ourselves. We're looking for that next adventure, that greener grass, that new person. So we don't have to deal with any of that stuff.

比如昨天晚上，你懂的，說實話，有誰在愛情當中是為了真正成為一個更好的人？成為更善良的，更正值的人？成為更理智的人。沒有人那么想，這是因為我們的目光關注的不是我們自己，我們關注的下一段經歷，和更美的風景，和下一個對象。所以我們不必處理那些自身的問題。

And I understand how easily it happens. Right? You just kind of meet someone sexy. I don't know where maybe it was a party on the train or the tube, as we would say in London, or maybe just met them. You both joined Tinder that day.

我明白這一切都順理成章，對吧？你就只是遇到了一個性感的人，不管在哪里，可能在聚會上，在火車上，或者在倫敦的地鐵上。或者在同一天注冊了Tinder。

How magical! And before too long, You realize that you have some stuff in common like WOW you both like almond butter, star wars. You can name all four teenage mutant ninja hero turtles.

多神奇啊！不久，你就會意識到你們有一些共同點，比如哇哦，你們都喜歡杏仁醬，星球大戰(zhàn)，你可以說出四只忍者英雄海龜?shù)拿帧?/p>

And then like suddenly you`re retelling, how you met like this serendipitous coincidence of cosmic proportions, it`s like move over Romeo and Juliet not that ended very well. Let`s all remember that.

然后突然間你在復述，你是如何相遇的，就像這宇宙比例的偶然巧合，就像羅密歐和朱麗葉，結局不是很好。讓我們記住這一點。

So when you`re thinking you're not exactly being Romeo and Julian, and we`re actually living in the real world. I think the thing is the main sell. When you kind of fall for someone, is it`s like Yippee, I`m not along anymore. Hooray! Nailed it ! coz you get to-guess what you do?

所以當你認為你不是羅密歐和朱利葉，而我們實際上生活在現(xiàn)實世界中時，我想我們的內心活動是這樣的.當你愛上某人時，是不是想的是，耶，我不再一個人孤單了。我成功了。因為你能猜到你在干什么？

You get to go home every night, and you get to your head on the pillow and you don't have to think about you know, your needs, your wants, your past, and actually kind of all the staff .that`s really probably stopping you from becoming happy, because you`re not fixing it.

你每天回到家，你躺倒床上，然后你就不必去思考你自己的需求，你的渴望，你的過往，所有的這些事，但是這可能阻礙了你得到真正的快樂，因為你沒有真正解決自身的那些個問題。

Instead you get to be entrapped by somebody else , track by somebody else. You're intrigued by them. Your mind has someone new to spiral into and focus on. I think sometimes when you're focusing on that perfect romance, you're actually doing the real work to fix the stuff， that's really probably,stopping you from becoming happy.

相反，你會被其他人困住，被其他人跟蹤。你對他們很感興趣。你的大腦有一個新的人可以進入并專注于。我想有時候當你專注于完美的愛情時，你實際上是在做真正的工作來修復這些東西，這很可能，阻止你變得快樂。

And because that, I think that most of us, when it comes to love and dating, kind of need an epic timeout and reset, for myself I did six months cold turkey, no dating, no internet dating. And I went to all of two parties, literally you could have written out my love life on the back of a postage stamp.

因為這個，我想我們大多數(shù)人，在談戀愛和約會的時候，需要一段放空和重啟的時間，對我自己來說，我保持了六個月的空窗期，沒有約會，沒有網絡約會。我總共就參加了兩個派對，從字面上說，我以前的愛情經歷轟轟烈烈，都可以把我的愛情生活寫在郵票的背面。

It was that exciting. And all this from the girl who used to, honestly, I used to pride myself on having a ridiculous love life.

真是太令人興奮了，而這一切都是從那個女孩那里得到的，說實話，我曾經為自己擁有一個瘋狂的愛情生活而自豪。

The story if I was here two years ago, guys, I`d have told you some amazing stories, but you know what after all of that,and after everything that happened, I thought, I would quite like to know who I am again, because and I think I'm not alone here. If you're experiencing groundhog day, when it comes to your dating life, I think the thing is, you think that it's because your meeting loads players, or nice guys finish last or you just haven't met the one yet, or that dating is a numbers game.

如果是兩年前我站在這里，我肯定會給你們講我那些令人驚嘆的愛情故事，但是你知道嗎？在體驗過那些愛情之后，在經歷過所有之后，我覺得我特別想再一次了解“我是誰”，因為我知道，這不是我一個人這么想，如果你正在經歷日復一日毫無新意的約會生活，我覺得問題在于你認為你遇到的都是些花花公子，最好的總在后邊，或者只是你還沒有遇到哪個對的人?；蛘甙鸭s會當作一個數(shù)字游戲。

But I think actually these truisms that surround dating aren`t in fact true at all. In fact, I think they lead us away from what the real issue is, because the problem and I know this doesn't make for a comfy listening.

但事實上，我認為這些圍繞約會的真理根本就不是真的。事實上，我認為它們會讓我們遠離真正的問題所在，因為問題所在，而且我知道這并不能讓人舒服地傾聽。

The problem, it's with you ,it's with me. It's with ridiculous ideas around romance, it`s with our need that we haven't realized yet. It's with our past. We don't want to talk about it`s with our desires, it's with our inability to get through one day without picking up our smartphones. And it's what we value.

問題，是你，是我。是關于浪漫的荒謬想法，是我們還沒有意識到的需要。是關于我們的過去。我們不想談論我們的欲望，這是因為我們一天都不能不拿起智能手機度過難關，我們再珍視什么。

So I decided after all of that I was like, you know what, I'm done with groundhog day in love. I actually wanna to discover a bit more about myself, because the truth is, I wasn't even born Haley Quinn. Right? Right? I chose the name. I thought it sounded cool.

所以我決定在那之后，我想，你知道嗎，我受夠了一次又一次的情感經歷。我真的想多了解自己一點，因為事實上，我也不是生來就是海莉·奎恩。對吧？對吧？我選了這個名字。我覺得聽起來很酷。

I was actually born in Hayley Whitle. And when I was born, I was grew up in a poor family, my parents were disabled. I was already teased at school a lot for being the weird girl. I used to work as a dishwasher, and because of that. There was so much pain and shame in my past.

我其實出生時候叫海利·惠特，我出生的時候，在一個貧窮的家庭長大，父母都是殘疾人。我在學校已經被戲弄了很多，因為我是一個奇怪的女孩。我曾經是一個洗碗工，正因為如此，在我的過去有太多的痛苦和羞愧。

I just didn't want to touch it. And the way I run away from it is I run away from it with love and with fantasy. But I decided after all that running, I wasn't really getting anywhere.

我只是不想碰它。我用愛情和幻想的方式來逃避它。但我發(fā)現(xiàn)逃避了這么久也沒有逃避到哪里去。

I was just recreating the same mistakes time and time again. So I thought i'd better stop.I was like, I want to actually feel something. And I can tell you, when I stopped, I did feel, I think I cried every single day for the first month on the phone to my mom, which was awkward because I hadn't really spoken to her for about a decade at that stage.

我只是一次又一次地重復同樣的錯誤。所以我想我最好停下來，我真的想感受一些東西。我可以告訴你，當我停下來的時候，我確實有所感受，在第一個月，每天都在給媽媽打電話哭，這很尷尬，因為我在那個階段已經有很長時間沒和她說過話了。

And then I `d come home, and I`d come home to this empty dirty house, with no guy, no baby, no possessions left in it. And then some days I`d wake up and the pain would be so bad. That it felt like my heart was burning. And to resist the temptation on that stage to not reach out and take that little plaster of dating or love or some attention to fix how I was feeling was really hard.

然后我回家，回到這間空蕩蕩的骯臟房子，沒有男人，沒有孩子，里面沒有任何東西。然后有幾天我醒來，會感到痛苦萬分，感覺我的心在燃燒。而且再那個時候要抵制外界的誘惑，不會再用約會或者戀愛或者其他的事情來掩蓋自己的真實感受，真的很難。

But gradually,you know what, A great thing happened is that I came back into the room, I became aware again, my mind start to work. I reconnected with my family. The friends that were left with the good ones.

但是漸漸的，你知道嗎？ 發(fā)生了一件好事，那就是我回到之前的房間，我又變得清醒了，我的思維又開始正常運轉了。我和家人的關系親密了，和那些之前疏遠了的好朋友又恢復了聯(lián)絡了。

And I stopped being so obsessed with going out every night of the week or whether someone had read my messages on whatsapp. So that's why if you`re listening to what I'm saying, if you even see a shadow of yourself, a little shadow of your story and my ridiculous life, I would advice just taking a time to take that pause. And I'm going to tell you why I'm actually going to sell it to you.

我不再那么癡迷于一周中的每一個晚上出去，或者有人讀過我在whatsapp上的留言。所以如果你聽我說的話，如果你甚至看到了自己的影子，你的故事和我荒謬的生活的一點影子，我建議你花點時間暫停一下。我會告訴你為什么要這樣做，我要向你傳達一種觀點。

So here we go. first things first when you come home and your evening plans are make chicken soup and read a book, this no longer sounds bad. this sounds awesome. Although i'd like to point out my chicken soup literally still has the consistency of porridge, It's so bad. Work in progress work in progress.

那就是，首先，當你回到家里，你晚上要做的就是煲湯和讀書，這不再是什么不好的事，其實著聽起來很棒，盡管我必須承認我做的雞湯還是稠的像粥一樣，做的特別糟糕，但是我孩子努力，加油！

Second thing, when you stop waiting for your Prince or princess to come crashing through the door and save you and solve your life, you start kind of living in the here and now more.And when you live in the here and now. you become more grounded, you become more confident, you become stronger.

其次，當你不再等待你的王子或著公主沖進你房門，來拯救你和你的生活的時候，你會開始更投入的活在當下。而且當你活在當下的時候，你會變更加清醒理智，更加自信，更加強大。

You also become more self aware. And when you're away ,you become more aware of people around you. And you know I saw,and what I saw? I see people running away all the time, every single day of their lives.

你會變得更加了解自己，而當你了解自己的時候，你也會更加了解你身邊的人，所以你知道我了解到什么了嗎？我看到人們每天都在不停的奔跑，不停的逃避現(xiàn)實。

And then you see those situations, and you have the foresight to step back for a change rather than get involved.

然后你看到這種情況，你就會有一種遠見，能夠后退一步改變一下現(xiàn)狀，而不是隨波逐流。

I also learned that life is pretty dramatic as it is and it throws you plenty of challenges. So you don't really need to create any more and go out there on a mission to have more drama, you can just leave it.

我也同樣認識到，生活就是特別狗血，他會扔給你一個又一個的挑戰(zhàn)，所以你不必再去創(chuàng)造新的不必要的挑戰(zhàn)。也不必像完成使命一樣，出去尋找更所劇情了。你完全可以順其自然，

I also finally realized you know well , those people say to you. They say you need to be alone before you can or be by yourself before you can meet someone else. I used to think those people were boring. Now I think that right, they`re definitely probably right. Because I think sometimes actually

我也終于意識到你很清楚，那些人對你說。他們說在你能遇見別人之前你需要獨自一人，或者獨自一人。我以前認為那些人很無聊?，F(xiàn)在我認為是的，他們肯定是對的。因為我想有時候實際上--

when we actually confront our aloneness, and we start to deal with our needs and the past and all that horrible pain that, you know, as people, we just collect and carry with us throughout our lives.

--當我們真正面對我們的孤獨，開始面對我們的需求和過往，以及所有的痛苦，那些我們一生累積和背負的痛苦。

When we deal with that, and we're not running from it, in endless people or endless dates. When we don't have anything to prove anymore.

當我們面對他們的時候，當我們不再用無數(shù)的戀人和無休止的約會來逃避痛苦的時候，當我們不再急于證明什么的時候。

When you don't need a destructive, ridiculous on-off relationship, in order to feel alive, in order to feel like you exist ,when you can just be, I kind of actually think that's real love.

當你不再需要破壞性的，斷斷續(xù)續(xù)的荒唐戀愛來證明自己還活著，證明自己真實存在的時候，當你能夠一切順其自然的時候，我覺得那才是真正的愛情。

Thanks very much.

非常感謝！