SVU明星瑪莉絲卡·哈吉塔透露在30多歲時(shí)被強(qiáng)奸：“我無法處理”

On Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Capt. Olivia Benson has been bringing justice to survivors of sexual violence for more than two decades. Now the actress behind the iconic character is ready to tell her own story.

關(guān)于法律與秩序：特殊受害者小組，奧利維婭·本森上尉20多年來一直在為性暴力幸存者伸張正義?，F(xiàn)在，這個(gè)標(biāo)志性人物背后的女演員準(zhǔn)備講述自己的故事。

In a powerful essay published by PEOPLE on Wednesday, Mariska Hargitay reveals that she was raped in her 30s by a man whom she had thought of as a friend.

在《人物》雜志周三發(fā)表的一篇強(qiáng)有力的文章中，瑪莉絲卡·哈吉塔透露，她在30多歲時(shí)被一個(gè)她以為是朋友的男人強(qiáng)奸。

"It wasn't sexual at all. It was dominance and control. Overpowering control," writes Hargitay, 59. "I tried all the ways I knew to get out of it. I tried to make jokes, to be charming, to set a boundary, to reason, to say no. He grabbed me by the arms and held me down. I was terrified. I didn't want it to escalate to violence. I now know it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid he would become physically violent. I went into freeze mode, a common trauma response when there is no option to escape. I checked out of my body."

59歲的哈吉塔寫道：“這根本不是性行為。這是支配和控制。過度控制。”。“我試了所有我知道的方法來擺脫它。我試著開玩笑，變得迷人，設(shè)定界限，講道理，說不。”。他抓住我的胳膊，把我按倒。我嚇壞了。我不希望它升級為暴力。我現(xiàn)在知道這已經(jīng)是性暴力了，但我擔(dān)心他會(huì)變得身體暴力。我進(jìn)入了冷凍模式，這是一種常見的創(chuàng)傷反應(yīng)，當(dāng)時(shí)我別無選擇。我檢查了一下身體。"

Hargitay explains that she "couldn't process" what she went through for a long time because she "couldn't believe that it happened. That it could happen."

哈吉塔解釋說，她很長一段時(shí)間都“無法處理”自己所經(jīng)歷的事情，因?yàn)樗?ldquo;不敢相信它會(huì)發(fā)生。它可能會(huì)發(fā)生。”

"So I cut it out. I removed it from my narrative," she writes. "I now have so much empathy for the part of me that made that choice because that part got me through it. It never happened. Now I honor that part: I did what I had to do to survive."

她寫道：“所以我把它刪掉了。我把它從我的敘述中刪除了。”。“我現(xiàn)在非常同情我做出這個(gè)選擇的那一部分，因?yàn)槟且徊糠肿屛叶冗^了難關(guān)。這從未發(fā)生過?，F(xiàn)在我向那一部分致敬：我做了我必須做的事來生存。”

For a long time, he actress, producer, and advocate focused on building her Joyful Heart foundation to "help survivors of abuse and sexual violence heal."

長期以來，他是一名演員、制片人和倡導(dǎo)者，專注于建立她的快樂之心基金會(huì)，以“幫助虐待和性暴力的幸存者康復(fù)”。

"I think I also needed to see what healing could look like," Hargitay writes. "I look back on speeches where I said, 'I'm not a survivor.' I wasn't being untruthful; it wasn't how I thought of myself. I occasionally had talked about what this person did to me, but I minimized it."

哈吉塔寫道：“我想我也需要看看治愈會(huì)是什么樣子。”。“我回顧那些我說‘我不是幸存者’的演講。我不是在撒謊；這不是我對自己的看法。我偶爾會(huì)談?wù)撨@個(gè)人對我做了什么，但我盡量減少了。”

Hargitay's husband, Peter Hermann, remembers how she used to say things like, "I mean, it wasn't rape." But after she began talking about it more with the people closest to her who "were the first ones to call it what it was," things started "shifting" in her.

哈吉塔的丈夫彼得·赫爾曼記得，她曾經(jīng)說過這樣的話:“我的意思是，這不是強(qiáng)奸。”但當(dāng)她開始更多地與最親近的人談?wù)撨@件事時(shí)，她的內(nèi)心開始發(fā)生“變化”。這些人“是第一個(gè)說出這件事的人”。

"They were gentle and kind and careful, but their naming it was important," Hargitay says. "It wasn't a confrontation, like 'You need to deal with what happened,' it was more like looking at it in the light of day: 'Here is what it means when someone rapes another person, so on your own time, it could be useful to compare that to what was done to you.' Then I had my own realization. My own reckoning. Now I'm able to see clearly what was done to me."

“他們溫柔、善良、細(xì)心，但他們的命名很重要，”哈吉塔伊說。“這不是一種對抗，比如‘你需要處理所發(fā)生的事情’，而是更像是在光天化日之下看待這件事:‘當(dāng)有人強(qiáng)奸另一個(gè)人時(shí)，這意味著什么，所以在你自己的時(shí)間里，把它和你所遭受的事情進(jìn)行比較可能會(huì)很有用。’”然后我有了自己的領(lǐng)悟。我自己的估計(jì)?，F(xiàn)在我能清楚地看到他們對我做了什么。”

That she was assaulted by someone she thought was a friend has inspired Hargitay to talk more about acquaintance rape, "because many people still think of rape as a man jumping out of the bushes. This was a friend who made a unilateral decision," she writes. "As for justice, it's important to know that it may look different for each survivor. For me, I want an acknowledgment and an apology. I'm sorry for what I did to you. I raped you. I am without excuse. That is a beginning. I don't know what is on the other side of it, and it won't undo what happened, but I know it plays a role in how I will work through this."

她被一個(gè)她以為是朋友的人侵犯，這促使哈吉塔伊更多地談?wù)撌烊藦?qiáng)奸，“因?yàn)楹芏嗳巳匀徽J(rèn)為強(qiáng)奸是男人從灌木叢中跳出來。”這是一個(gè)朋友單方面做出的決定，”她寫道。“至于正義，重要的是要知道，每個(gè)幸存者的正義可能看起來都不一樣。對我來說，我想要一個(gè)承認(rèn)和道歉。我為我對你做的事感到抱歉。我強(qiáng)奸了你。我沒有借口。這是一個(gè)開始。我不知道它的另一面是什么，它不會(huì)改變發(fā)生的事情，但我知道它在我如何度過難關(guān)方面發(fā)揮了作用。”