《渺小一生》:我只是怕你以后會怨恨我

　 He sighed, too. The first time Jude had met Kit, almost fifteen years ago, he’d turned to Willem afterward and said, smiling, “He’s your Andy.” And over the years, he had come to realize how true this was. Not only did Kit and Andy actually, creepily know each other—they were in the same class, and had lived in the same dorm their freshman year—but they both liked to present themselves as, to some extent, Willem’s and Jude’s creators. They were their defenders and their guardians, but they also tried, at every opportunity, to determine the shape and form of their lives.

他也嘆氣。裘德第一次見到基特是將近十五年前，事后他轉向威廉，微笑著說：“他是你的安迪。”這些年來，他逐漸明白這句話再準確不過了。很詭異的是，實際上，基特和安迪不光彼此認識（他們同屆，大一時還住在同一棟宿舍），而且他們在某種程度上都喜歡以威廉和裘德的創(chuàng)造者自居。他們是他們的捍衛(wèi)者和守護者，但他們同時也利用每個機會，決定并塑造他們的生活。

　 “I thought you’d be a little more supportive of this, Kit,” he said, sadly.

“這件事，我還以為你會更支持一點呢，基特?！彼y過地說。

　 “Why? Because I’m gay? Being a gay agent is far different than being a gay actor of your stature, Willem,” said Kit. He grunted. “Well, at least someone’s going to be happy about this. Noel”—the director of Duets—“will be fucking thrilled. This is going to be great publicity for his little project. I hope you like doing gay movies, Willem, because that’s what you might end up doing for the rest of your life.”

“為什么？因為我是同性戀者？威廉，當個同性戀者經紀人，跟當個你這種水平的同性戀演員，可是大不相同?！被卣f，然后咕噥道，“好吧，至少有個人會很高興。諾爾（《二重唱》的導演）一定他媽的樂歪了。這對他那部小制作可是很大的宣傳。威廉，我希望你喜歡演同性戀電影，因為你的下半輩子可能只會演這類電影了?！?

　 “I don’t really think of Duets as a gay movie,” he said, and then, before Kit could roll his eyes and start lecturing him again, “and if that’s how it ends up, that’s fine.” He told Kit what he had told Jude: “I’ll always have work; don’t worry.”

“我其實不認為《二重唱》是同性戀電影?！彼f，然后搶在基特翻白眼、再度教訓他之前說，“如果最后是這樣的下場，也沒關系?！彼炎约焊嬖V過裘德的話告訴基特，“我永遠都會有工作的，別擔心?！?

　 (“But what if your film work dries up?” Jude had asked.

（“但如果你接不到電影了呢？”裘德曾問。

　 “Then I’ll do plays. Or I’ll work in Europe: I’ve always wanted to do more work in Sweden. Jude, I promise you, I will always, always work.”

“那我就去演舞臺劇?；蛘呷W洲工作，我一直想多接瑞典那邊的工作。裘德，我跟你保證，我會永遠、永遠演下去的。”

　 Jude had been silent, then. They had been lying in bed; it had been late. “Willem, I really won’t mind—not at all—if you want to keep this quiet,” he said.

裘德沉默了。當時他們躺在床上，時間很晚了?！巴绻阆氡Ｃ艿脑?，我真的不介意——一點也不介意?！濒玫抡f。

　 “But I don’t want to,” he said. He didn’t. He didn’t have the energy for it, the sense of planning for it, the endurance for it. He knew a couple of other actors—older, much more commercial than he—who actually were gay and yet were married to women, and he saw how hollow, how fabricated, their lives were. He didn’t want that life for himself: he didn’t want to step off the set and still feel he was in character. When he was home, he wanted to feel he was truly at home.

“可是我不想。”他說。他的確不想。他沒有那個力氣，沒有那個謀劃的本領，也沒有那個忍耐力。他知道有幾個演員——比較年長，比他更具商業(yè)性——其實是同性戀，卻跟女人結婚。他看到他們的生活有多空洞、多虛偽。他不想過那種生活，他不想在離開拍攝現(xiàn)場后，還覺得自己在扮演一個角色。當他回家時，他希望自己真正覺得是在家里。

　 “I’m just afraid you’re going to resent me,” Jude admitted, his voice low.

“我只是怕你以后會怨恨我?！濒玫鲁姓J，聲音很小。

　 “I’ll never resent you,” he promised him.)

“我永遠不會怨恨你的?！彼螋玫卤ＷC。）

　 Now, he listened to Kit’s gloomy predictions for another hour, and then, finally, when it was clear that Willem wouldn’t change his mind, Kit seemed to change his. “Willem, it’ll be fine,” he said, determinedly, as if Willem had been the one who was concerned all along. “If anyone can do this, you can. We’re going to make this work for you. It’s going to be fine.” Kit tilted his head, looking at him. “Are you guys going to get married?”

這會兒，他聽著基特又悲觀地預測了一個小時，然后，終于，當威廉擺明了不會再改變心意時，基特似乎也改變了心意?！巴?，一切都會沒事的?！彼麍远ǖ卣f，仿佛之前一直擔心的人是威廉，“要是有任何人辦得到，那就是你了。我們會讓你不受影響的。一定會沒事的。”基特歪頭看著他，“你們兩個打算結婚嗎？”

　 “Jesus, Kit,” he said, “you were just trying to break us up.”

“天啊，基特，”他說，“你剛剛還想拆散我們呢?！?

　 “No, I wasn’t, Willem. I wasn’t. I was just trying to get you to keep your mouth shut, that’s all.” He sighed again, but resignedly this time. “I hope Jude appreciates the sacrifice you’re making for him.”

“不，我沒有，威廉。我沒有。我只是想讓你瞞著別說，如此而已?！彼謬@了口氣，但這回是認命的嘆氣，“我希望裘德感激你為他所做的犧牲?！?

　 “It’s not a sacrifice,” he protested, and Kit cut his eyes at him. “Not now,” he said, “but it may be.”

“這不是犧牲。”他抗議，但是基特狠狠看了他一眼。“現(xiàn)在不是，”他說，“但以后可能會是?！?

　 Jude came home early that night. “How’d it go?” he asked Willem, looking closely at him.

裘德那天晚上提早回家。“進行得怎么樣了？”他問威廉，仔細看著他。

　 “Fine,” he said, staunchly. “It went fine.”

“很好，”他堅定地說，“進行得很好?！?

　 “Willem—” Jude began, and he stopped him.

“威廉……”裘德才要開口，就被他打斷。

　 “Jude,” he said, “it’s done. It’s going to be fine, I swear to you.”

“裘德，”他說，“已經決定了。一切都會很好的，我跟你發(fā)誓?！?

　 Kit’s office managed to keep the story quiet for two weeks, and by the time the first article was published, he and Jude were on a plane to Hong Kong to see Charlie Ma, Jude’s old roommate from Hereford Street, and from there to Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos. He tried not to check his messages while he was on vacation, but Kit had gotten a call from a writer at New York magazine, and so he knew there would be a story. He was in Hanoi when the piece was published: Kit forwarded it to him without comment, and he skimmed it, quickly, when Jude was in the bathroom. “Ragnarsson is on vacation and was unavailable for comment, but his representative confirmed the actor’s relationship with Jude St. Francis, a highly regarded and prominent litigator with the powerhouse firm of Rosen Pritchard and Klein and a close friend since they were roommates their freshman year of college,” he read, and “Ragnarsson is the highest-profile actor by far to ever willingly declare himself in a gay relationship,” followed, obituary-like, with a recapping of his films and various quotes from various agents and publicists congratulating him on his bravery while simultaneously predicting the almost-certain diminishment of his career, and nice quotes from actors and directors he knew promising his revelation wouldn’t change a thing, and a concluding quote from an unnamed studio executive who said that his strength had never been as a romantic lead anyway, and so he’d probably be fine. At the end of the story, there was a link to a picture of him with Jude at the opening of Richard’s show at the Whitney in September.

基特的辦公室設法把消息壓了兩個星期，第一篇報道發(fā)出來時，他和裘德已經搭上前往香港的飛機，去找裘德在賀瑞佛街的老室友查理·馬，接下來再去越南、柬埔寨、老撾。他度假時都盡量不去看短信之類的訊息，不過基特接到《紐約》雜志一個作者打來的電話，于是他知道會有一篇報道。那篇文章刊登時，他們已經到了河內?；匕盐恼罗D給他們，沒有附上任何評論，他很快瀏覽了一下，當時裘德在浴室里。“拉格納松目前正在度假，無法取得他的回應，但是他的經紀人證實了拉格納松與裘德·圣弗朗西斯的戀情。圣弗朗西斯是一位評價很高的知名訴訟律師，服務于著名的羅森·普理查德律師事務所。兩人從大學一年級成為室友以來，就是非常親近的朋友?！彼x著，然后是“拉格納松是目前為止愿意公開同性戀情的最知名的演員”。接著像是訃聞似的，列出他拍過的電影，引用各路經紀人與公關人員對他的祝賀，贊美他的勇氣，但同時也預測他演員生涯幾乎肯定會走下坡，報道還引用了他認識的導演和演員所說的話，保證他的坦白絕對不會影響他的事業(yè)。最后引用了一位不具名的片廠高層主管的話，他說威廉的強項從來不是愛情文藝片，因此大概不會有影響。報道最后有個網址，鏈接了一張他和裘德九月去惠特尼美國藝術博物館參加理查德的個展開幕的照片。

　 When Jude came out, he handed him the phone and watched him read the article as well. “Oh, Willem,” he said, and then, later, looking stricken, “My name’s in here,” and for the first time, it occurred to him that Jude may have wanted him to keep quiet as much for his own privacy as for Willem’s.

裘德從浴室出來后，他把手機遞給他，看著他閱讀那篇文章。“啊，威廉?！濒玫抡f，過了一會兒，裘德一臉懊喪的表情，“我的名字發(fā)出來了?！彼诺谝淮蜗氲?，裘德希望他保密，可能不光是為了威廉的隱私，也是為了他自己的。