《渺小一生》:你講話真是一如往常

　 “I have to,” Jude said.

“我非走不可。”裘德說。

　 “Five minutes,” he said.

“五分鐘?！彼f。

　 “Five,” Jude said, and slid beneath the covers, and Willem wrapped his arms around him, careful not to wrinkle his suit, and closed his eyes. And this too he loved: he loved knowing that in those moments, he was making Jude happy, loved knowing that Jude wanted affection and that he was the person who was allowed to provide it. Was this arrogance? Was this pride? Was this self-congratulation? He didn’t think so; he didn’t care. That night, he told Jude that he thought they should tell Harold and Julia that they were together when they went up for Thanksgiving that week. “Are you sure, Willem?” Jude had asked him, looking worried, and he knew that Jude was really asking if he was sure about the relationship itself: he was always holding the door open for him, letting him know he could leave. “I want you to really think about this, especially before we tell them.” He didn’t need to say it, but Willem knew, once again, what the consequences would be if they told Harold and Julia and, later, he changed his mind: they would forgive him, but things would never be the same. They would always, always pick Jude over him. He knew this: it was the way it should be.

“就五分鐘?！濒玫抡f，然后滑進被單底下，接著威廉用雙臂圈住他，小心不要弄皺他的西裝，還閉上眼睛。這也是他很喜歡的：他很喜歡知道自己在那些時刻里讓裘德快樂，很喜歡知道裘德想要關(guān)愛，而自己是被允許提供關(guān)愛的人。這是自大嗎？這是傲慢嗎？這是自鳴得意嗎？他不認(rèn)為如此，但他也不在乎。那一夜，他告訴裘德，他覺得他們那星期去哈羅德和朱麗婭家過感恩節(jié)時，應(yīng)該要告訴他們夫婦，說他們兩個在一起了?！巴?，你確定嗎？”裘德當(dāng)時問他，一臉憂慮。他知道裘德真正問的是，他對這段感情確定嗎？裘德一直幫他開著門，讓他知道他可以隨時離開?！拔乙阏J(rèn)真想想，尤其在告訴他們之前?！边@些話裘德不必說出來，但威廉明白，如果他們告訴了哈羅德和朱麗婭，而他稍后又改變心意的話，會有什么后果：他們會原諒他，但一切再也不會一樣了。他們永遠(yuǎn)、永遠(yuǎn)會優(yōu)先選擇裘德而不是他。這點他知道，本來就該這樣。

　 “I’m positive,” he’d said, and so they had.

“我確定?！彼f。于是他們說了。

　 He thought of this conversation as he poured Kit a glass of water and carried the plate of sandwiches to the table. “What is this?” Kit asked, looking suspiciously at the sandwiches.

這會兒，他倒了一杯水，拿著一碟三明治到餐桌給基特，想到了這段對話。“這什么？”基特問，一臉懷疑地看著那些三明治。

　 “Grilled peasant bread with Vermont cheddar and figs,” he said. “And escarole salad with pears and jamón.”

“烤鄉(xiāng)村面包，夾佛蒙特車達奶酪和無花果，”他說，“還有茅菜沙拉拌生梨和西班牙火腿沙拉。”

　 Kit sighed. “You know I’m trying not to eat bread, Willem,” he said, although he didn’t know. Kit bit into a sandwich. “Good,” he said, reluctantly. “Okay,” he continued, putting it down, “tell me.”

基特嘆氣。“威廉，你明知道我現(xiàn)在盡量不吃面包的?！彼f，但其實他不知道?；匾Я艘豢谌髦?。“好吃。”他不情愿地說，“好吧，”他繼續(xù)說，放下三明治，“告訴我吧。”

　 And so he did, and added that while he wasn’t planning on announcing the relationship, he wasn’t going to pretend otherwise about it, either, and Kit groaned. “Fuck,” he said. “Fuck. I thought it might be this. I don’t know why, I just did. Fuck, Willem.” He put his forehead down on the table. “I need a minute,” Kit said to the table. “Have you told Emil?”

于是他說了，還說他不打算公布這段戀情，但也不打算隱瞞。于是基特哀嘆起來。“他媽的，”他說，“他媽的。我就想到可能是這個。我不明白為什么，但我就是知道。他媽的，威廉。”他前額靠在桌上，“給我一分鐘想一下?！被貙χ雷诱f，“你跟埃米爾說了嗎？”

　 “Yeah,” he said. Emil was Willem’s manager. Kit and Emil worked with each other best when they were united against Willem. When they agreed, they liked each other. When they didn’t, they didn’t.

“說了?！彼f。埃米爾是威廉的私人經(jīng)理。基特和埃米爾合作得最好的時候，就是聯(lián)手起來反對威廉。他們意見一致時就喜歡對方；意見不同時就不喜歡對方。

　 “And what did he say?”

“他怎么說？”

　 “He said, ‘God, Willem, I’m so happy that you’ve finally committed to someone you truly love and feel comfortable around, and I couldn’t be happier for you as your friend and longtime supporter.’ ” (What Emil had actually said was, “Christ, Willem. Are you sure? Did you talk to Kit yet? What did he say?”)

“他說：‘老天，威廉，我真高興你終于找到一個你真正深愛又相處得好的伴侶，身為你的朋友和長年的支持者，我真是再高興不過了?！保òＣ谞栒嬲f的是：“天啊，威廉。你確定嗎？你跟基特談過沒？他怎么說？”）

　 Kit lifted his head and glared at him (he didn’t have much of a sense of humor). “Willem, I am happy for you,” he said. “I care about you. But have you thought about what’s going to happen to your career? Have you thought about how you’re going to be typecast? You don’t know what it’s like being a gay actor in this business.”

基特抬起頭瞪著他（他沒什么幽默感）。“威廉，我很替你高興，”他說，“我關(guān)心你。但你想過這對你的事業(yè)會有什么影響嗎？你想過你會因此被定型嗎？你不知道在這一行，同性戀演員會受到什么待遇?！?

　 “I don’t really think of myself as gay, though,” he began, and Kit rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so na?ve, Willem,” he said. “Once you’ve touched a dick, you’re gay.”

“其實，我真的不認(rèn)為自己是同性戀?！彼_口，只見基特翻了個白眼?！皠e這么天真了，威廉，”他說，“只要你碰過一根，你就是同性戀了?！?

　 “Said with subtlety and grace, as always.”

“你講話真是一如往常，微妙又優(yōu)雅。”

　 “Whatever, Willem; you can’t afford to be cavalier about this.”

“隨便啦，威廉；這件事你可不能掉以輕心。”

　 “I’m not, Kit,” he said. “But I’m not a leading man.”

“我沒有啊，基特，”他說，“但我又不是一線男演員?！?

　 “You keep saying that! But you are, whether you like it or not. You’re just acting like your career is going to keep going on the same trajectory it’s been on—do you not remember what happened to Carl?” Carl was a client of a colleague of Kit’s, and one of the biggest movie stars of the previous decade. Then he had been forced out of the closet, and his career had faded. Ironically, it was Carl’s obsolescence, his sudden unpopularity, that had encouraged the rise of Willem’s own career—at least two roles that Willem had gotten were ones that would once have gone, reflexively, to Carl. “Now, look: you’re far more talented than Carl, and more diversified as well. And it’s a different climate now than when Carl came out—domestically, at least. But I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t tell you to prepare for a certain chill. You’re private as it is: Can’t you just keep this under wraps?”

“你總是這么說！但你就是，無論你喜不喜歡。你只是裝得好像你的事業(yè)會繼續(xù)在同一個軌道運行——你忘了卡爾的遭遇嗎？”卡爾是基特一個同事的客戶，也是十年前最紅的影星之一。他被迫出柜，事業(yè)也逐漸走下坡。諷刺的是，正因為卡爾被淘汰、突然不再受歡迎，才促成了威廉的崛起——威廉接到的角色中，至少有兩個原先一定會去找卡爾?！安贿^聽我說，你遠(yuǎn)比卡爾有才華，戲路也比較廣?，F(xiàn)在的氣氛跟卡爾當(dāng)年出柜時也不同了——至少國內(nèi)是這樣。但如果我不告訴你要準(zhǔn)備好會有某種冷淡的待遇，那我就是沒有盡到分內(nèi)的職責(zé)。你向來注重隱私，這件事難道就不能保密嗎？”

　 He didn’t reply, just reached for another sandwich, and Kit studied him. “What does Jude think?”

他沒回答，只是伸手又拿了一個三明治?；貙徱曋骸棒玫掠X得呢？”

　 “He thinks I’m going to end up performing in a Kander and Ebb revue on a cruise ship to Alaska,” he admitted.

“他覺得我最后會淪落到在阿拉斯加郵輪上演歌舞劇?！彼姓J(rèn)。

　 Kit snorted. “Somewhere between how Jude thinks and how you think is how you need to think, Willem,” he said. “After everything we’ve built together,” he added, mournfully.

基特冷哼一聲：“威廉，你必須想的，是把你和裘德的想法加起來除以二，”他說，“我們好不容易才一起建立起這一切啊?！彼^地說。