雙語讀?。篊all me by ...（一）58:我恐怕傾聽的那個人必須是你……

There was no one to speak to. Whom could I tell? Mafalda? She’d leave the house. My aunt? She’d probably tell everyone. Marzia, Chiara, my friends? They’d desert me in a second. My cousins when they came? Never. My father held the most liberal views—but on this? Who else? Write to one of my teachers? See a doctor? Say I needed a shrink? Tell Oliver?
Tell Oliver. There is no one else to tell, Oliver, so I’m afraid it’s going to have to be you…
 
沒人能傾訴。我能對誰說？瑪法爾達？她會出門去。我阿姨？她可能告訴每一個人?，旂餮?？奇亞拉？我的朋友？他們會立刻棄我而去。等堂表親來的時候?qū)λ麄冋f？免談。父親的見解最開明——可是談這種事？還有誰？寫信給我的老師？看醫(yī)生？說我需要心理醫(yī)生？告訴奧利弗？
告訴奧利弗。不可能對其他任何人說。奧利弗，所以我恐怕傾聽的那個人必須是你……

 
One afternoon, when I knew that the house was totally empty, I went up to his room. I opened his closet and, as this was my room when there were no residents, pretended to be looking for something I’d left behind in one of the bottom drawers. I’d planned to rifle through his papers, but as soon as I opened his closet, I saw it. Hanging on a hook was this morning’s red bathing suit which he hadn’t swum in, which was why it was hanging there and not drying on the balcony. I picked it up, never in my life having pried into anyone’s personal belongings before. I brought the bathing suit to my face, then rubbed my face inside of it, as if I were trying to snuggle into it and lose myself inside its folds—So this is what he smells like when his body isn’t covered in suntan lotion, this is what he smells like, this is what he smells like, I kept repeating to myself, looking inside the suit for something more personal yet than his smell and then kissing every corner of it, almost wishing to find hair, anything, to lick it, to put the whole bathing suit into my mouth, and, if I could only steal it, keep it with me forever, never ever let Mafalda wash it, turn to it in the winter months at home and, on sniffing it, bring him back to life, as naked as he was with me at this very moment. On impulse, I removed my bathing suit and began to put his on. I knew what I wanted, and I wanted it with the kind of intoxicated rapture that makes people take risks they would never take even with plenty of alcohol in their system. I wanted to come in his suit, and leave the evidence for him to find there. Which was when a crazier notion possessed me. I undid his bed, took off his suit, and cuddled it between his sheets, naked. Let him find me—I’ll deal with it, one way or another. I recognized the feel of the bed. My bed. But the smell of him was all around me, wholesome and forgiving, like the strange scent which had suddenly come over my entire body when an elderly man who happened to be standing right next to me in a temple on Yom Kippur25 placed his tallis over my head till I had all but disappeared and was now united with a nation that is forever dispersed but which, from time to time, comes together again when one being and another wrap themselves under the same piece of cloth. I put his pillow over my face, kissed it savagely, and, wrapping my legs around it, told it what I lacked the courage to tell everyone else in the world. Then I told him what I wanted. It took less than a minute.
 
有一天下午，我發(fā)現(xiàn)屋里空無一人，于是我上樓走進他房間，打開他的衣柜——沒有住客的時候，這里是我的房間，我假裝想找我落在底層抽屜的東西。我原本打算快速翻找他的文件，但一打開衣柜，我就看見那個。吊在掛鉤上的，是今天早上他沒穿去游泳的紅色泳褲，所以吊在衣柜里，而不是晾在陽臺上。我這輩子從沒窺看過他人的私人物品。我拿起他的泳褲，拿到面前，原來這就是他身上沒涂防曬乳液時的味道啊。這就是他的味道，這就是他的味道，但愿我能偷走它，永遠放在身邊，永遠不讓瑪法爾達洗，在冬天離開這兒的那幾個月求助于它，嗅著它，讓奧利弗重生，像他此刻一樣赤裸裸與我在一起。一陣沖動之下，我脫掉我的泳褲，穿上他的。我知道我想要什么，而且我是抱著一種沉醉的狂喜想要這個東西，我想要冒險，一個人即使在爛醉時也絕對不愿意冒的險。我想穿著他的泳褲達到高潮，留下證據(jù)讓他發(fā)現(xiàn)。這時一個更瘋狂的念頭攫住了我的心。我攤開他的被褥，脫下他的泳褲，一絲不掛地躺在他的被單下?lián)е挠狙?。讓他發(fā)現(xiàn)我吧——我會面對他，總有辦法的。我認得這張床的感覺。我的床。但他的氣味圍繞著我，健康、寬容，就像在猶太教贖罪日那天，一個碰巧站在我旁邊的陌生人把他的祈禱披肩披在我頭上蓋住我時，我突然聞到的怪味，那氣味與那個族人四散的國家合為一體，只有當一個人與另一個人將自己包裹在同一塊布里時，這個民族會再度聚合起來。我拿起他的枕頭蓋在自己臉上，粗野地吻它，雙腿夾著它，告訴它我沒有勇氣對世界上其他人說的事。我告訴它我想要什么。只花不到一分鐘。