雙語讀劇：Call me by ...（一）57:但我要付出什么代價(jià)？

The fear never went away. I woke up to it, watched it turn to joy when I heard him shower in the morning and knew he’d be downstairs with us for breakfast, only to watch it curdle when, rather than have coffee, he would dash through the house and right away set to work in the garden. By noon, the agony of waiting to hear him say anything to me was more than I could bear. I knew that the sofa awaited me in an hour or so. It made me hate myself for feeling so hapless, so thoroughly invisible, so smitten, so callow. Just say something, just touch me, Oliver. Look at me long enough and watch the tears well in my eyes. Knock at my door at night and see if I haven’t already left it ajar for you. Walk inside. There’s always room in my bed.
 
恐懼從未離開。我醒來時(shí)它就在。早上聽到他淋浴的聲音，就知道他會(huì)下樓跟我們吃早餐，眼見它化為喜悅；然而，在他不喝咖啡，而是迅速走出屋外，立刻在花園里工作時(shí)，又只能眼見它變得悶悶不樂。到了中午，等待他給我只字片語的痛苦超乎我所能承受。我知道再過大約一小時(shí)，我只能獨(dú)自躺在沙發(fā)上午睡。感覺如此無助、如此毫不起眼、如此迷戀、如此不成熟，令我憎惡自己。你就說句話吧，你就碰碰我吧，奧利弗?？次揖靡稽c(diǎn)，看淚水從我眼中涌出。夜里來敲我的門，看我是否為你打開一條小縫。走進(jìn)來。我的床永遠(yuǎn)有空。
 
What I feared most were the days when I didn’t see him for stretches at a time—entire afternoons and evenings sometimes without knowing where he’d been. I’d sometimes spot him crossing the piazzetta or talking to people I’d never seen there. But that didn’t count, because in the small piazzetta where people gathered around closing time, he seldom gave me a second look, just a nod which might have been intended less for me than for my father, whose son I happened to be.
 
我最恐懼的是整個(gè)下午或晚上不見他蹤影的日子，不知道他上哪兒去了。有時(shí)候我看到他橫越小廣場(chǎng)，或跟我從來沒在那里見過的人說話?？赡歉舅悴簧弦娒妗＝蜢葧r(shí)間，大伙兒總會(huì)聚集到小廣場(chǎng)上，他很少多看我一眼，只會(huì)點(diǎn)個(gè)頭。那致意的對(duì)象與其說是我，不如說是父親，而我正好是他兒子。
 
My parents, my father especially, couldn’t have been happier with him. Oliver was working out better than most of our summer residents. He helped my father organize his papers, managed a good deal of his foreign correspondence, and was clearly coming along with his own book. What he did in his private life and his time was his business—If youth must canter, then who’ll do the galloping? was my father’s clumsy adage. In our household, Oliver could do no wrong.
 
我的父母，尤其是父親，對(duì)他再滿意不過。奧利弗顯然比其他許多夏天住客還要能干。他幫父親整理文稿，處理許多外國(guó)寄來的信件，而他自己的書顯然也有進(jìn)展。他的私生活和他在私人時(shí)間做什么，是他的事。“如果年輕人只能慢慢跑，那誰還來飛奔？”這是父親自創(chuàng)的笨拙格言。在我們家，奧利弗永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)錯(cuò)。
 
Since my parents never paid any attention to his absences, I thought it was safer never to show that they caused me any anxiety. I mentioned his absence only when one of them wondered where he’d been; I would pretend to look as startled as they were. Oh, that’s right, he’s been gone so long. No, no idea. And I had to worry not to look too startled either, for that might ring false and alert them to what was eating at me. They’d know bad faith as soon as they spotted it. I was surprised they hadn’t already. They had always said I got too easily attached to people. This summer, though, I finally realized what they meant by being too easily attached. Obviously, it had happened before, and they must have already picked up on it when I was probably too young to notice anything myself. It had sent alarming ripples through their lives. They worried for me. I knew they were right to worry. I just hoped they’d never know how far things stood beyond their ordinary worries now. I knew they didn’t suspect a thing, and it bothered me—though I wouldn’t have wanted it otherwise. It told me that if I were no longer transparent and could disguise so much of my life, then I was finally safe from them, and from him—but at what price, and did I want to be so safe from anyone?
 
因?yàn)槲腋改笍膩聿魂P(guān)心他在不在家，我覺得我最好別表現(xiàn)出對(duì)此多么焦慮。我只在父親或母親想知道他的下落時(shí)，才會(huì)提到他的缺席。我裝出跟他們一樣驚訝的樣子。哦，對(duì)呀，他出去好久了。不，不知道。我也得注意別顯得太驚訝，太過虛假會(huì)讓他們警覺到有什么正在啃噬著我。他們總能一眼識(shí)破謊言，可到現(xiàn)在還沒發(fā)現(xiàn)我真正的情感，真令我吃驚。他們總說我“太容易依戀”，然而直到今年夏天，我才總算了解他們所謂“太容易依戀”的意思。顯然，我過去也是這樣，在我或許還太年幼，難以自察的時(shí)候，他們已經(jīng)注意到了。于是使他們感覺到了一絲引人擔(dān)憂的漣漪。他們?yōu)槲覔?dān)憂。我知道他們絲毫不疑，這一點(diǎn)令我困擾，即使我也不希望事情往反方向發(fā)展。我因此知道，如果我不再透明，能夠這樣隱瞞我的生活，那么我也終于不用再怕被他們或他輕易看穿。但我要付出什么代價(jià)？我真的希望這樣避開每個(gè)人嗎？