雙語讀劇：Call me by ...（一）56:那個討厭鬼可是有副菩薩心腸呢

Then there are the exceptions: the stormy afternoon when we sat in the living room, listening to the music and to the hail pelting every window in the house. The lights would go out, the music would die, and all we had was each other’s faces. An aunt twittering away about her dreadful years in St. Louis, Missouri, which she pronounced San Lui, Mother trailing the scent of Earl Grey tea, and in the background, all the way from the kitchen downstairs, the voices of Manfredi and Mafalda—spare whispers of a couple bickering in loud hisses. In the rain, the lean, cloaked, hooded figure of the gardener doing battle with the elements, always pulling up weeds even in the rain, my father signaling with his arms from the living room window, Go back, Anchise, go back.
“That man gives me the creeps,” my aunt would say.
“That creep has a heart of gold,” my father would say.
 
還有些特殊的：暴風雨的下午，我們坐在客廳里，聽音樂和冰雹重重拍打每扇窗戶的聲音。燈光熄滅，音樂停止，我們擁有的只是彼此的臉。某個阿姨把“圣路易”念成“三盧伊”，喊喊喳喳講述她在密蘇里州圣路易度過的可怕歲月。母親聞著伯爵茶氣味去找傳來這氣味的源頭，背景是曼弗雷迪和瑪法爾達從樓下廚房一路傳來的額外聲響——夫妻倆壓低聲音拌嘴的嘈雜嘶嘶聲。雨中，園丁披著斗篷戴著兜帽的消瘦身影正與大自然搏斗，即使下雨也總要去拔雜草。父親從客廳的窗口撣揮手臂示意著：回去，安喀斯，回去。
“那人真是讓我起雞皮疙瘩。”阿姨會這么說。
“那個討厭鬼可是有副菩薩心腸呢。”父親回答說。
 
But all of these hours were strained by fear, as if fear were a brooding specter, or a strange, lost bird trapped in our little town, whose sooty wing flecked every living thing with a shadow that would never wash. I didn’t know what I was afraid of, nor why I worried so much, nor why this thing that could so easily cause panic felt like hope sometimes and, like hope in the darkest moments, brought such joy, unreal joy, joy with a noose tied around it. The thud my heart gave when I saw him unannounced both terrified and thrilled me. I was afraid when he showed up, afraid when he failed to, afraid when he looked at me, more frightened yet when he didn’t. The agony wore me out in the end, and, on scalding afternoons, I’d simply give out and fall asleep on the living room sofa and, though still dreaming, know exactly who was in the room, who had tiptoed in and out, who was standing there, who was looking at me and for how long, who was trying to pick out today’s paper while making the least rustling sound, only to give up and look for tonight’s film listings whether they woke me or not.
 
但這些美好時光都因為恐懼而變得緊張，仿佛恐懼是盤旋逼近的幽靈，或受困于這座小城的珍禽，它烏黑的羽翼給所有生物覆上永遠洗不掉的陰影斑點。我不知道我害怕什么，也不知道我為什么這么擔心，更不知道這般輕易造成恐慌的事，為何有時感覺像最黑暗的希望，帶來不真實的喜悅，似一個陷阱般的喜悅。與他不期而遇，我的心怦然一跳，讓我恐懼又興奮。我怕他出現(xiàn)、怕他不出現(xiàn)，怕他看我、更怕他不看我。這痛苦的掙扎終于讓我耗盡心力了。灼熱的午后，我簡直精疲力竭，在客廳的沙發(fā)上睡著了。雖然做著夢，卻清楚知道誰在房里，誰躡手躡腳進來又出去，誰站在那里，誰盯著我看了多久，誰盡可能在不發(fā)出沙沙聲以免吵醒我的狀況下找出今天的報紙，后來卻放下，改找今晚的電影放映表。