考研英語作文考場范文批改及點評(8)

The undergraduate, who is on his way to a job interview, is stunned after hearing a ridiculous condition: the position is only for the man born in the year of dog. More ironically, a dog is eager to try. Conspicuously, that is a horrible depiction concerning the discrimination in job market.Over the past years, all kinds of discriminations(改為discrimination，它是一個不可數(shù)名詞) have been condemned or made illegal, but one insidious form continue to thrive: some harsh conditions some employers imposed when recruit new,(句子成分不清，建議改為some harsh conditions are imposed on the employers when a company recruit new) ranging from height to household registration. So, what cause(改為causes) these problems? Firstly, thetremendous number of graduates- still mounting each year- make organizations powerless to screen out right candidates. (本句話說服力不夠強)For which(改為this) reason, numerous bizarre approaches were came out to find “the right person”. Moreover, the current state of affairs may have been encouraged by lack of severe penalty and punishment to those arrogant organizations who(改為which) shrink the obligation of selecting eligible staff. A good case in point is one of my roommates, with excellent performance in the job interview, failed to obtain the occupation(本句話可改為who performs excellently in the job interview, but fails to obtain the occupation,若要按作者的寫法，應該在failed之前加but，用來連接兩個簡單句，且將failed改為fail) as a consequence of inadequate height.The clear message is that we should get moving to launch a war against those irresponsible companies. Just as rejecting those duty-shrinking corporations, making complaint to administrator as long as we meet this situation.(整句話沒有謂語動詞，且administrator使用不當，本句話可改為：To reject the duty-shrinking corporations, we should report the situation to the relevant authorities) More significantly, the authorities should charge with the obligation of laying down associate-effective discipline which seems appropriate in the light of current situation. By these methods, we will surely get through this tough period before long.

編輯點評

文章結(jié)構(gòu)完整，符合考研寫作的要求。但是美中不足的是，作者在選詞方面不夠精確，句子表達方面也有所欠缺。望作者在以后的寫作中，應該注重句子的組成，并選用強有力的論據(jù)來支撐自己的觀點;應該多積累經(jīng)典詞句，練習模仿句子，一周練習兩篇作文即可。其余時間可強化自己的基礎知識，鍛煉自己的語言組織能力，相信你能夠取得成功，加油哦!

參考分數(shù)：12分(滿分20分)