缺乏安全感嗎?這真的要怪你父母

缺乏安全感嗎?這真的要怪你父母

We live in a culture that celebrates individualismand self-reliance, and yet we humans are anexquisitely social species, thriving in goodcompany and suffering in isolation. More thananything else, our intimate relationships, or lackthereof, shape and define our lives.

我們的文化贊美個(gè)人主義和自力更生，但人類是一種敏感的群居物種，相處良好的關(guān)系讓人精神抖擻，孤獨(dú)的人則感到痛苦。有沒有親密的人際關(guān)系，對于塑造和定義我們生活具有非同一般的作用。

While there have been many schools of thought to help us understand what strains andmaintains human bonds, from Freudian to Gestalt, one of the most rigorously studied may bethe least known to the public.

從佛洛伊德到格式塔，有很多學(xué)派在幫助我們了解維系人際關(guān)系，導(dǎo)致關(guān)系緊張的因素，但有一種理論對這方面進(jìn)行了最為細(xì)致的研究，卻有可能是最不為人所知的一個(gè)。

It’s called attachment theory, and there’s growing consensus about its capacity to explainand improve how we function in relationships.

它就是依戀理論，人們對其解釋和改進(jìn)人際關(guān)系的能力正產(chǎn)生越來越多的共識。

Conceived more than 50 years ago by the British psychoanalyst John Bowlby and scientificallyvalidated by an American developmental psychologist, Mary S. Ainsworth, attachment theoryis now having a breakout moment, applied everywhere from inner-city preschools to executivecoaching programs. Experts in the fields of psychology, neuroscience, sociology and educationsay the theory’s underlying assumption — that the quality of our early attachmentsprofoundly influences how we behave as adults — has special resonance in an era when peopleseem more attached to their smartphones than to one another.

這個(gè)理論是50多年前英國心理學(xué)家約翰·巴比(British Bowlby)設(shè)想出來的，美國發(fā)展心理學(xué)家瑪麗·S·安斯沃思(Mary S. Ainsworth)以科學(xué)方法對其進(jìn)行了驗(yàn)證。依戀理論現(xiàn)在獲得了前所未有的普及，從老城區(qū)的幼兒園到企管培訓(xùn)課程，很多地方都運(yùn)用在這個(gè)理論。其基本假設(shè)是，我們的早期依戀的質(zhì)量深刻影響了我們的成年階段。心理學(xué)、神經(jīng)科學(xué)、社會學(xué)和教育領(lǐng)域的專家說，如今人們似乎更依戀智能手機(jī)而不是依戀彼此，依戀理論的基本假設(shè)在這個(gè)時(shí)代存在一種特別的反響。

By the end of our first year, we have stamped on our baby brains a pretty indelible template ofhow we think relationships work, based on how our parents or other primary caregivers treatus. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense, because we need to figure out earlyon how to survive in our immediate environment.

嬰兒一周歲的時(shí)候，大腦中就已經(jīng)形成了一個(gè)幾乎不可磨滅的對關(guān)系的思考模式，父母或其他看護(hù)者對待嬰兒的方式塑造了這個(gè)思考模式。從進(jìn)化的角度來看，這是有道理的，因?yàn)閶雰盒枰琰c(diǎn)弄清楚如何在當(dāng)前的環(huán)境中生存下去。

“If you’re securely attached, that’s great, because you have the expectation that if you aredistressed you will be able to turn to someone for help and feel you can be there for others,”said Miriam Steele, the co-director of the Center for Attachment Research at the New Schoolfor Social Research in New York.

“如果你能安全地依戀某人，那非常好，因?yàn)槟銜X得，在心情不好的時(shí)候，你可以向某人尋求幫助，而且覺得你也可以幫助別人，”紐約社會研究新學(xué)院依戀研究中心(Center for Attachment Research at the NewSchool for Social Research)聯(lián)合主任米里林·斯蒂爾(Miriam Steele)說。

It’s not so great if you are one of the 40 percent to 50 percent of babies who, a meta-analysisof research indicates, are insecurely attached because their early experiences were suboptimal(their caregivers were distracted, overbearing, dismissive, unreliable, absent or perhapsthreatening). “Then you have to earn your security,” Dr. Steele said, by later forming secureattachments that help you override your flawed internal working model.

一項(xiàng)綜合分析表明，40%到50%的嬰兒在這方面的狀況不佳，具有不安全的依戀模式，因?yàn)樗麄兊脑缙诮?jīng)歷不理想(看護(hù)者心不在焉、霸道專橫、不上心、不可靠、不在場，或者可能進(jìn)行了脅迫)。“這樣你就必須努力去爭取獲得安全感，”斯蒂爾說，晚一些時(shí)候形成的安全依戀風(fēng)格，可以幫助你改寫有缺陷的內(nèi)在運(yùn)作模式。

Given that the divorce rate is also 40 percent to 50 percent, it would seem that this is not aneasy task. Indeed, researchers said, people who have insecure attachment models tend to bedrawn to those who fit their expectations, even if they are treated badly. They maysubconsciously act in ways that elicit insensitive, unreliable or abusive behavior, whatever ismost familiar. Or they may flee secure attachments because they feel unfamiliar.

鑒于離婚率也是40%至50%，這看上去不像是一個(gè)容易的任務(wù)。事實(shí)上，研究人員說，如果你的依戀模式屬于不安全的類型，你容易被符合你的期望的人吸引，即使他們對你并不好。你可能會在潛意識的驅(qū)使下做一些事情，引起不敏感、不可靠或虐待行為，這些是你最熟悉的行為。你也可能會逃離安全的依戀關(guān)系，因?yàn)檫@讓你感到陌生。

“Our attachment system preferentially sees things according to what has happened in thepast,” said Dr. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist at Columbia University and the co-author of thebook “Attached,” which explores how attachment behaviors affect the neurochemistry of thebrain. “It’s kind of like searching in Google where it fills in based on what you searched before.”

哥倫比亞大學(xué)的精神病學(xué)家阿米爾·列文(Amir Levine)和《依戀》(Attached)一書的合著者說：“我們的依戀系統(tǒng)優(yōu)先看到過去發(fā)生的事情。這就像是谷歌搜索服務(wù)會根據(jù)你之前搜索的內(nèi)容進(jìn)行自動(dòng)填充一樣。”《依戀》探索了依戀行為如何影響大腦的神經(jīng)化學(xué)機(jī)制。

But again, history is not necessarily destiny. Intervention programs at the New School and theUniversity of Delaware are having marked success helping at-risk groups like teenage motherschange their attachment behaviors (often passed down through generations) and establishmore secure relationships. Another attachment-based intervention strategy called Circle ofSecurity, which has 19,000 trained facilitators in 20 countries, has also proved effective.

但是，歷史不一定就會決定命運(yùn)。新學(xué)院和特拉華大學(xué)的干預(yù)項(xiàng)目取得了顯著的成功，這些項(xiàng)目幫助少女母親這樣的高危群體改變依戀行為(通常會代代相傳)，并建立更安全的關(guān)系。另一個(gè)稱為安全圈(Circle ofSecurity)的項(xiàng)目也被證明是有效的，這是一個(gè)基于依戀的干預(yù)項(xiàng)目，在20個(gè)國家有1.9萬名訓(xùn)練有素的協(xié)調(diào)員。

What these protocols have in common is promoting participants’ awareness of theirattachment style, and their related sabotaging behaviors, as well as training on how tobalance vulnerability and autonomy in relationships.

這些協(xié)議的共同點(diǎn)是促進(jìn)參與者對自己的依戀風(fēng)格及其相關(guān)破壞行為的認(rèn)識，訓(xùn)練他們?nèi)テ胶怅P(guān)系中的脆弱性和自主性。

One reason attachment theory has “gained so much traction lately is its ideas andobservations are so resonant with our daily lives,” said Kenneth Levy, an associate professorof psychology at Pennsylvania State University who researches attachment-orientedpsychotherapy.

賓夕法尼亞州立大學(xué)依戀心理療法的心理學(xué)副教授肯尼思·利維(Kenneth Levy)說，依戀理論“獲得了這么多的關(guān)注的一個(gè)原因是，它的理念和觀點(diǎn)與我們的日常生活存在很多共鳴。”

Indeed, if you look at the classic categories of attachment styles — secure; insecureanxious; insecure avoidant; and insecure disorganized — it’s pretty easy to figure out whichone applies to you and others in your life. The categories stem from tens of thousands ofobservations of babies and toddlers whose caregivers leave them briefly, either alone or with astranger, and then return, a test known as the “strange situation.” The labels can also apply tohow adults behave toward loved ones in times of stress.

事實(shí)上，如果你看看經(jīng)典的依戀風(fēng)格類型——安全型、不安全焦慮型、不安全回避型，和不安全紊亂型——很容易看出你和你遇見過的人屬于哪種類型。這種分類來自于對數(shù)以千計(jì)的嬰兒和幼兒的觀察，他們的看護(hù)者離開一會兒，留下他們獨(dú)自一人或者是和陌生人待一起，然后看護(hù)者再返回，這稱為“陌生情景”的測試。而成年人在遇到壓力的時(shí)候如何對待他們喜歡的人，也可以分為這些類型。

Secure children get upset when their caregivers leave, and run toward them with outstretchedarms when they return. They fold into the caregiver and are quickly soothed. A securelyattached adult similarly goes to a loved one for comfort and support when they, say, arepassed over for a promotion at work or feel vulnerable or hurt. They are also eager toreciprocate when the tables are turned.

安全型的孩子在看護(hù)者離開時(shí)表現(xiàn)出不安，并在看護(hù)者回來時(shí)伸出手臂向他們跑去。他們抱住看護(hù)者，情緒很快就舒緩下來。類似地，安全型的成年人如果錯(cuò)過晉升，或感覺脆弱受傷時(shí)，也會向親人尋求安慰和支持。而當(dāng)親人遇到問題時(shí)，他們也樂于提供安慰和支持。

Children high on the insecure anxious end of the spectrum get upset when caregivers leaveand may go to them when they return. But these children aren’t easily soothed, usually becausethe caregiver has proved to be an unreliable source of comfort in the past. They may kickand arch their back as if they are angry. As adults, they tend to obsess about theirrelationships and may be overly dramatic in order to get attention. They may hound romanticinterests instead of taking it slow.

不安全焦慮型的兒童在看護(hù)人離開時(shí)會感到不安，并且可能在看護(hù)人回來的時(shí)候走向他們。但是這些孩子的焦慮情緒不容易緩解，這通常是因?yàn)檫^去的一些事情已經(jīng)證明看護(hù)者作為安慰的來源不太可靠。孩子可能會有踢打、弓背等動(dòng)作，好像在生氣。作為成年人，這種類型傾向于對關(guān)系過于沉迷，可能會做出過度戲劇化的事情，以便獲得注意。他們可能會迅速升溫戀情，而不是慢慢發(fā)展。

Insecure avoidant children don’t register distress when their caregivers leave (although theirstress hormones and heart rate may be sky high) and they don’t show much interest whencaregivers return, because they are used to being ignored or rebuffed. Alternatively, a parentmay have smothered them with too much attention. Insecure avoidant adults tend to havetrouble with intimacy and are more likely to leave relationships, particularly if they are goingwell. They may not return calls and resist talking about their feelings.

不安全回避型的孩子在看護(hù)者離開時(shí)，沒有表現(xiàn)出痛苦(盡管他們的壓力激素和心率可能大大升高)，并且在看護(hù)者回來時(shí)，他們也不會表現(xiàn)出很大的興趣，可能因?yàn)樗麄兞?xí)慣了被忽略或拒絕，或者可能是父母太多的關(guān)注讓他們感到窒息。不安全回避型成年人容易在親密關(guān)系中感到別扭，離開一段關(guān)系的可能性更大，特別是在關(guān)系發(fā)展順利的時(shí)候。他們可能會不回電話，拒絕談?wù)撟约旱母杏X。

Finally, insecure disorganized children and adults display both anxious and avoidantbehaviors in an illogical and erratic manner. This behavior is usually the lingering result ofsituations where a childhood caregiver was threatening or abusive.

最后，不安全紊亂型兒童和成人會用不合邏輯、不穩(wěn)定的方式來表現(xiàn)焦慮和回避行為。這通常是兒童遭到看護(hù)者威脅或虐待的長期結(jié)果。

Tools to determine your dominant attachment style include the Adult Attachment Interview,which is meant to be administered by a clinician, or self-report questionnaires like theAttachment Styles and Close Relationships Survey. But critics said their accuracy depends onthe skill and training of the interviewer in the case of the former and the self-awareness of thetest taker in the latter, which perhaps explains why you can take both tests and end up indifferent categories.

要確定你的主要依戀風(fēng)格，可以到臨床醫(yī)生那里進(jìn)行成人依戀面談(Adult Attachment Interview)，或者是填寫自我調(diào)查問卷，比如《依戀風(fēng)格和緊密關(guān)系調(diào)查問卷》(Attachment Styles and Close RelationshipsSurvey)。但批評者說，該工具的準(zhǔn)確性在前一種情況下取決于受訪者的技能和受過的訓(xùn)練，后一種情況下取決于測試者的自我意識，這也許可以解釋為什么你參加的這兩種測試結(jié)果可能會不一樣。

“It can also be possible that people should be viewed as along a continuum in all categories,”said Glenn I. Roisman, the director of the Relationships Research Lab at the University ofMinnesota in Minneapolis.

“我們可能也應(yīng)該把所有類別看成漸變的連續(xù)帶，”明尼阿波利斯明尼蘇達(dá)大學(xué)關(guān)系研究實(shí)驗(yàn)室主任格倫·I·若斯曼(Glenn I. Roisman)說。

It’s worth noting that just as people in the insecure categories can become more secure whenthey form close relationships with secure people, secure people can become less so if pairedwith people who are insecure. “You need social context to sustain your sense of security,”said Peter Fonagy, a professor of psychoanalysis at University College London.

值得注意的是，正如一個(gè)不安全類別的人，在與安全型的人建立密切關(guān)系時(shí)可以變得更趨向于安全型，那些安全型的人在與不安全類別的人交往時(shí)，也可能會變得缺乏安全感。倫敦大學(xué)學(xué)院心理分析教授彼得·方納吉(Peter Fonagy)說：“你需要社交背景來維持安全感。

He added that having secure attachments is not about being a perfect parent or partner butabout maintaining communication to repair the inevitable rifts that occur. In the dailybattering of any relationship, Dr. Fonagy said, “if free flow of communication is impaired, therelationship is, too.”

他說，擁有安全型的依戀風(fēng)格，重點(diǎn)并不在于成為完美的父母或伴侶，而是在于維持溝通、修復(fù)難以避免的裂痕。任何關(guān)系都會有日常的磕磕碰碰，方納吉說，“如果自由的交流溝通受到損害，關(guān)系也會蒙受損失。”