你為什么不要孩子？這個(gè)問(wèn)題怎么答

Nothing could have prepared me for the invasiveness I face about my fertility plans as a married woman in my late 30s.

作為一名將近40歲的已婚婦女，我在生育計(jì)劃上面臨著的侵?jǐn)_是完全無(wú)法預(yù)防的。

What was once an occasional topic of conversation five years ago when I first dated Mike, now my husband, has become a full-blown speculative crisis since we tied the knot in April.

五年前，當(dāng)我第一次和邁克約會(huì)時(shí)，這只是一個(gè)偶然提起的話(huà)題，今年4月我們結(jié)了婚，自那之后，這件事就成了一場(chǎng)關(guān)于推測(cè)的全面危機(jī)。

I understand the concern. In our youth, many of us were taught, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in the baby carriage.” There’s no asterisk after the ditty clarifying “these milestones might never be accomplished in this order, or at all.”

我知道這件事的重要性。在我們小時(shí)候，很多人都被教導(dǎo)說(shuō)，“先是陷入愛(ài)河，然后就會(huì)結(jié)婚，然后嬰兒車(chē)上就會(huì)有小寶寶。”在這種順口溜后面，不會(huì)加上星號(hào)來(lái)說(shuō)明“可能順序不會(huì)是這樣，也可能某個(gè)階段永遠(yuǎn)無(wú)法達(dá)成”。

Well-meaning relatives touch my arm and ask when we’ll start a family. I bristle at the suggestion, as if me, my sweet fella and our delightful cat aren’t already a complete family. Their faces drop when I break the news that we plan to be child-free.

親戚拉著我的胳膊，好心地問(wèn)我們什么時(shí)候成家。這種暗示讓我很惱怒，好像我和我的帥小伙，以及我們可愛(ài)的貓咪不能算是組成了一個(gè)完整的家庭似的。當(dāng)我宣告了不生小孩的消息之后，他們的面色沉了下來(lái)。

“What a shame,” they say. “You’d make such a great mom.”

“太遺憾了，”他們說(shuō)。“你是一個(gè)當(dāng)好媽媽的材料。”

Acquaintances are more blunt: When are you going to pop out a kid? “Two minutes after never,” I reply, which sucks the air out of the room. I pretend I don’t notice them exchanging worried looks. Even my primary care physician has an opinion on the matter, advising me last year to “keep an open mind” about having kids.

熟人就比較直白了：你什么時(shí)候打算要小孩?“永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)，”我回答說(shuō)，房間里頓時(shí)就沉默下來(lái)。我假裝沒(méi)有注意到他們擔(dān)憂(yōu)地互相交換眼神。即使我的初級(jí)保健醫(yī)生對(duì)此也有意見(jiàn)，去年他建議我對(duì)生孩子一事“保持開(kāi)放心態(tài)”。

I was never sure what to say when people put me on the spot. After alternating between arguing, brooding and stewing, I now realize I don’t have to react in such a negative way. So when I want to keep my friendships (and my doctor), I take a breath and try to keep the following five things in mind:

當(dāng)人們把我置于這種處境時(shí)，我從來(lái)都不知道該說(shuō)什么。在爭(zhēng)論、生悶氣和冒火交替發(fā)生之后，現(xiàn)在我意識(shí)到，我沒(méi)有必要通過(guò)這種消極的方式作出反應(yīng)。所以，如果我想保住友誼(和醫(yī)生)時(shí)，我就先做個(gè)深呼吸，試圖記住以下五點(diǎn)。

Don’t get defensive

不要太自我防御

Most of my closest friends — all city-dwelling creative types — don’t have biological children. In fact, we rarely discuss our reasons for why we chose our child-free lifestyles.

我最好的朋友都屬于很有創(chuàng)造力的城市一族，在他們中，大部分沒(méi)有親生子女。事實(shí)上，我們很少討論為什么選擇不生孩子。

I assume it’s for some of the same reasons as me, which range from the inane to the intense: We cherish our flexible lifestyles, children are time-consuming and expensive, child care costs are prohibitive, and we all have varying degrees of anxiety about our future. Why take the leap when so many aspects of parenthood feel so risky?

我猜有些原因和我的一樣，有的無(wú)關(guān)緊要，有的至關(guān)重要：我們珍惜自己靈活的生活方式、養(yǎng)孩子耗時(shí)且費(fèi)用昂貴、照顧孩子的成本令人望而卻步，以及我們對(duì)未來(lái)都有不同程度的焦慮。在為人父母的很多方面都給人感覺(jué)風(fēng)險(xiǎn)很高的情況下，為什么還要跨出這一步?

I’m lucky to be surrounded by so many like-minded women. If I still lived in my hometown, a tiny suburb outside of Albany, I’m not sure I’d have the same support. I moved away the summer before eighth grade and haven’t been back since. A quick scroll through my Facebook feed shows all my childhood friends with little ones in tow. I imagine the pressure to have children would’ve been much stronger if I’d stayed.

幸運(yùn)的是，我身邊有這么多志同道合的女性。如果還生活在家鄉(xiāng)奧爾巴尼郊區(qū)的那個(gè)小地方，我不確定自己能不能得到同樣的支持。我在上八年級(jí)之前的那個(gè)夏天離開(kāi)了那里，之后再未回去過(guò)?？焖贊L動(dòng)我的Facebook推送會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)，我童年時(shí)期的所有朋友都有孩子了。我想，如果還留在那里，生孩子的壓力會(huì)大得多。

But when strangers ask about my plans for a child-free life, it can come off as if they’re really asking what kind of person I am.

但陌生人問(wèn)我對(duì)不生孩子的生活的安排時(shí)，可能會(huì)讓我覺(jué)得他們其實(shí)是在問(wèn)我是一個(gè)什么樣的人。

It takes effort to keep my cool. After a few deep breaths, I run through my usual answers in a measured tone: Yes, I love children, but I don’t feel an urgent need to have my own. No, it’s not because I’m a selfish jerk.

這讓保持冷靜頗為不易。深呼吸幾下后，我會(huì)慎重地說(shuō)出自己常備的答案：是的，我喜歡孩子，只是覺(jué)得不用著急生孩子。不，不是因?yàn)槲沂莻€(gè)自私鬼。

I then politely assert that my husband and I are making decisions based on what’s right for us as a couple. I don’t elaborate more than that if I don’t want to.

然后，我會(huì)禮貌地表示我和丈夫是根據(jù)什么適合我們夫妻做決定的。如果沒(méi)心情的話(huà)，我不會(huì)再多做解釋。

For some, staying childless contradicts their worldview

不生孩子抵觸了有些人的世界觀(guān)

When people push back about it, they seem to be more upset at having their sense of order questioned. Sometimes that can lead to interactions that feel hostile.

當(dāng)人們?nèi)滩蛔√岢霎愖h時(shí)，他們似乎對(duì)自己的秩序感受到質(zhì)疑感到更加生氣。有時(shí)候，這可能會(huì)引發(fā)給人感覺(jué)不友善的對(duì)話(huà)。

Many people assume that having children after marriage is the natural progression of life. They may even see my reluctance to have kids as a personal affront, as if I’m criticizing their choices.

很多人以為，結(jié)婚后生孩子是自然而然的生活節(jié)奏。他們甚至?xí)盐也辉干⒆涌醋魇菍?duì)他們個(gè)人的侮辱，好像我在批評(píng)他們的選擇似的。

Not only is it exasperating to justify myself to people who have no stake in the process, but people have rarely been enthusiastic about my decision unless they’ve decided to be child-free too.

不僅是向無(wú)關(guān)緊要的人解釋令人惱火，而且人們很少對(duì)我的決定做出積極回應(yīng)，除非他們也決定不要孩子。

“Sometimes one needs to remove oneself from situations where this is likely to come up,” said Dr. Maureen Kelly, medical director of Society Hill Reproductive Medicine. “So many patients over the years have told me that they avoid certain family gatherings because they are sure someone will ask dreaded questions.”

“有時(shí)候，需要擺脫可能會(huì)出現(xiàn)這種情況的環(huán)境，”希爾生殖醫(yī)學(xué)會(huì)(Society Hill Reproductive Medicine)的醫(yī)學(xué)主任莫琳·凱利(Maureen Kelly)說(shuō)。“這些年來(lái)，很多患者對(duì)我說(shuō)，他們避免參加某些家庭聚會(huì)就是因?yàn)樗麄冎?，肯定?huì)有人問(wèn)起令自己不安的問(wèn)題。”

Trends are changing

趨勢(shì)正在改變

It gives me comfort to know more women than ever are choosing the same course as me.

知道越來(lái)越多的女性選擇和我一樣的道路，讓我感到安慰。

According to the latest data by the National Center for Health Statistics, the American fertility rate has fallen to 62 births per 1,000 women between the ages of 15 to 44. Living in a society that offers few safety nets for mothers (and considerable economic penalties), it’s becoming more common to either delay having children until your 30s or avoid having them altogether.

國(guó)家衛(wèi)生統(tǒng)計(jì)中心(National Center for Health Statistics)公布的最新數(shù)據(jù)顯示，美國(guó)15至44歲的人群中生育率已跌至每1000名女性生育62個(gè)孩子。處在一個(gè)針對(duì)母親的福利保障少之又少(并且經(jīng)濟(jì)上的不利之處相當(dāng)嚴(yán)重)的社會(huì)，推遲到30多歲生育或根本不生孩子的現(xiàn)象越來(lái)越普遍。

And while I feel compelled to articulate my reasons more than my husband does to other people, to be clear, this is a decision we arrived at together.

盡管我比丈夫更覺(jué)得必須向其他人解釋原因，但要明確的一點(diǎn)是，這是我們共同做出的決定。

Fertility is a sensitive subject, for everyone

生育是每個(gè)人的敏感話(huà)題

“People should not ask women about their fertility choices,” Dr. Kelly said. “This includes mothers, sisters, close friends, acquaintances and other family members. This is a highly personal topic and should be considered off limits unless someone brings it up.”

“人們不應(yīng)該詢(xún)問(wèn)女性的生育選擇，”凱利說(shuō)。“這里包括母親、姐妹、密友、點(diǎn)頭之交和其他家庭成員。這是一個(gè)非常私人的話(huà)題，應(yīng)該被當(dāng)作禁忌，除非有人主動(dòng)提起。”

In light of the subject’s sensitive nature, Dr. Kelly recommends following the lead of the individual: “If she wants to discuss, do so on her terms and remain highly supportive and free of judgment.”

鑒于這個(gè)話(huà)題的敏感性質(zhì)，凱利建議跟隨當(dāng)事人的腳步：“如果她想聊，就按照她的說(shuō)話(huà)方式聊并保持高度支持，不做評(píng)價(jià)。”

“If someone does confide” in you, she said, “do not bring up how easy it was for you or compare that individual’s struggles or decisions to yourself or anyone else.”

“如果有人向你吐露心聲，”她說(shuō)。“不要提起當(dāng)初這個(gè)問(wèn)題對(duì)你來(lái)說(shuō)多么容易，也不要把對(duì)方的斗爭(zhēng)或決定和你或其他任何人比較。”

Having these painful discussions has heightened my sympathy for my loved ones struggling with their own fertility issues. I do my best to offer unconditional support for whatever outcome they are hoping for.

進(jìn)行這些痛苦的討論增加了我對(duì)那些同自己的生育問(wèn)題作斗爭(zhēng)的至親的同情。不管他們希望得到什么結(jié)果，我都會(huì)盡全力提供無(wú)條件的支持。

Honor the path taken

尊重人生道路的選擇

Sometimes I picture another version of me with children living in a parallel universe. She juggles play dates, organizes nap schedules and indulges requests to screen “Moana” several times in a row.

有時(shí)候，我會(huì)想象另一個(gè)自己和孩子們生活在一個(gè)平行宇宙里。她要兼顧玩樂(lè)約會(huì)、安排小睡時(shí)間并滿(mǎn)足連續(xù)放幾遍《海洋奇緣》(Moana)的請(qǐng)求。

I imagine this woman in a quiet moment wondering what her life would’ve been like if she’d never had kids.

我會(huì)想象她在四周安靜下來(lái)時(shí)，好奇如果不生孩子的話(huà)，自己的生活會(huì)是什么樣子。

I would tell her as fulfilled as she is being a parent, I’m as satisfied with the child-free path I’ve chosen too.

我會(huì)告訴她，和為人父母帶給她滿(mǎn)足感一樣，我對(duì)自己選擇的不生孩子的道路也感到很滿(mǎn)意。