雙語·面紗第六十章

所屬教程:譯林版·面紗

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2022年04月24日

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60

Though the Mother Superior talked with Kitty not more than three or four times and once or twice for but ten minutes the impression she made upon Kitty was profound. Her character was like a country which on first acquaintance seems grand, but inhospitable; but in which presently you discover smiling little villages among fruit trees in the folds of the majestic mountains, and pleasant ambling rivers that flow kindly through lush meadows. But these comfortable scenes, though they surprise and even reassure you, are not enough to make you feel at home in the land of tawny heights and windswept spaces. It would have been impossible to become intimate with the Mother Superior; she had that something impersonal about her which Kitty had felt with the other nuns, even with the good-humored, chatty Sister St. Joseph, but with her it was a barrier which was almost palpable. It gave you quite a curious sensation, chilling but awe-inspiring, that she could walk on the same earth as you, attend to mundane affairs, and yet live so obviously upon a plane you could not reach. She once said to Kitty:

“It is not enough that a religious should be continually in prayer with Jesus; she should be herself a prayer.”

Though her conversation was interwoven with her religion, Kitty felt that this was natural to her and that no effort was made to influence the heretic. It seemed strange to her that the Mother Superior, with her deep sense of charity, should be content to leave Kitty in a condition of what seemed to her sinful ignorance.

One evening the two of them were sitting together. The days were shortening now and the mellow light of the evening was agreeable and a little melancholy. The Mother Superior looked very tired. Her tragic face was drawn and white; her fine dark eyes had lost their fire. Her fatigue perhaps urged her to a rare mood of confidence.

“This is a memorable day for me, my child,” she said, breaking from a long reverie, “for this is the anniversary of the day on which I finally determined to enter religion. For two years I had been thinking of it, but I had suffered as it were a fear of this calling, for I dreaded that I might be recaptured by the spirit of the world. But that morning when I communicated I made the vow that I would before nightfall announce my wish to my dear mother. After I had received the Holy Communion I asked Our Lord to give me peace of mind: Thou shalt have it only, the answer seemed to come to me, when thou hast ceased to desire it.”

The Mother Superior seemed to lose herself in thoughts of the past.

“That day, one of our friends, Madame de Viernot, had left for the Carmel without telling any of her relatives. She knew that they were opposed to her step, but she was a widow and thought that as such she had the right to do as she chose. One of my cousins had gone to bid farewell to the dear fugitive and did not come back till the evening. She was much moved. I had not spoken to my mother, I trembled at the thought of telling her what I had in mind, and yet I wished to keep the resolution I had made at Holy Communion. I asked my cousin all manner of questions. My mother, who appeared to be absorbed in her tapestry, lost no word. While I talked I said to myself: If I want to speak to-day I have not a minute to lose.

“It is strange how vividly I remember the scene. We were sitting round the table, a round table covered with a red cloth, and we worked by the light of a lamp with a green shade. My two cousins were staying with us and we were all working at tapestries to recover the chairs in the drawing-room. Imagine, they had not been recovered since the days of Louis ⅩIV, when they were bought, and they were so shabby and faded, my mother said it was a disgrace.

“I tried to form the words, but my lips would not move; and then, suddenly, after a few minutes of silence my mother said to me: ‘I really cannot understand the conduct of your friend. I do not like this leaving without a word all those to whom she is so dear. The gesture is theatrical and offends my taste. A well-bred woman does nothing which shall make people talk of her. I hope that if ever you caused us the great sorrow of leaving us you would not take flight as though you were committing a crime.’

“It was the moment to speak, but such was my weakness that I could only say:‘Ah, set your mind at rest, maman, I should not have the strength.’

“My mother made no answer and I repented because I had not dared to explain myself. I seemed to hear the word of Our Lord to St. Peter: ‘Peter, lovest thou me?' Oh, what weakness, what ingratitude was mine! I loved my comfort, the manner of my life, my family and my diversions. I was lost in these bitter thoughts when a little later, as though the conversation had not been interrupted, my mother said to me: ‘Still, my Odette, I do not think that you will die without having done something that will endure.’

“I was still lost in my anxiety and my reflections, while my cousins, never knowing the beating of my heart, worked quietly, when suddenly my mother, letting her tapestry fall and looking at me attentively, said: ‘Ah, my dear child, I am very sure that you will end by becoming a religious.’

“ ‘Are you speaking seriously, my good Mother,' I answered.‘You are laying bare the innermost thought and desire of my heart.’

“‘Mais oui,'cried my cousins without giving me time to finish,‘For two years Odette has thought of nothing else. But you will not give your permission, ma tante, you must not give your permission.’

“ ‘By what right, my dear children, should we refuse it,' said my mother, ‘if it is the Will of God?’

“My cousins then, wishing to make a jest of the conversation, asked me what I intended to do with the trifles that belonged to me and quarrelled gaily about which should take possession of this and which of that. But these first moments of gaiety lasted a very little while and we began to weep. Then we heard my father come up the stairs.”

The Mother Superior paused for a moment and sighed.

“It was very hard for my father. I was his only daughter and men often have a deeper feeling for their daughters than they ever have for their sons.”

“It is a great misfortune to have a heart,” said Kitty, with a smile.

“It is a great good fortune to consecrate that heart to the love of Jesus Christ.”

At that moment a little girl came up to the Mother Superior and confident in her interest showed her a fantastic toy that she had somehow got hold of. The Mother Superior put her beautiful, delicate hand round the child's shoulder and the child nestled up to her. It moved Kitty to observe how sweet her smile was and yet how impersonal.

“It is wonderful to see the adoration that all your orphans have for you, Mother,” she said. “I think I should be very proud if I could excite so great a devotion.”

The Mother Superior gave once more her aloof and yet beautiful smile.

“There is only one way to win hearts and that is to make oneself like unto those of whom one would be loved.”

第六十章

雖然院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤和凱蒂談話不超過三四次，其中也就有一兩次能談個(gè)十分鐘，但她給凱蒂留下的印象很深。她的性格就像一個(gè)國(guó)家，剛結(jié)識(shí)它時(shí)，能感受到它的宏大，但缺乏好客的熱情。隨著了解的深入，你可以漸漸發(fā)現(xiàn)在雄偉的大山的山谷之中，在無數(shù)果樹的遮擋之下有著對(duì)你笑臉相迎的小村莊，還有讓你神清氣爽的河流，緩緩地在繁茂的草叢中流過。但是這些賞心悅目的景色，雖然讓你驚奇，甚至讓你坦然和放松，但它們還不足以讓你覺得賓至如歸，只有黃褐色的高地和風(fēng)呼嘯過的平原，才是自己的故土家園。和院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤關(guān)系變得親密無間似乎不太可能，她身上有種缺乏人情味的東西，這是凱蒂和別的修女在一起也能感受到的，甚至在好脾氣、愛聊天的圣約瑟夫修女身上也能感受到，和院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤在一起，這種感覺就更加明顯了。它能讓你有一種奇妙的感覺，寒冷而令人敬畏，她和你一樣在同一片土地上行走，處理世俗的事務(wù)，但是她的生活狀態(tài)顯而易見是你無法達(dá)到的層面。她曾經(jīng)有一次對(duì)凱蒂說：

“一個(gè)有宗教信仰的人不斷地向耶穌禱告是不夠的，她應(yīng)該向自己的內(nèi)心禱告?！?/p>

雖然她的談話中交織著她的信仰，凱蒂覺得這很正常，不費(fèi)勁就影響了不信教的人。但似乎讓她感到不可思議的是，院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤盡管很有慈愛之心，卻能很安心地讓凱蒂處于罪孽深重的愚昧狀況中。

一天晚上，她們兩人正坐在一起，白天變得越來越短，夜晚柔和的光線讓人愜意之中有著些許憂郁。院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤看上去很疲憊，她悲天憫人的面孔顯得憔悴和蒼白，炯炯有神的黑眼睛失去了往日的激情，她的疲乏或許是在敦促她尋求更為難得的信心。

“這對(duì)我來說是值得紀(jì)念的一天，我的孩子?！彼f道，仿佛從長(zhǎng)時(shí)間的幻想中醒來，“就是在多年前的這一天，我最后決定皈依宗教。我用了兩年的時(shí)間一直在考慮這個(gè)問題，但是我很痛苦，因?yàn)閷?duì)于這種召喚我很害怕，而且還因?yàn)閾?dān)心自己很可能會(huì)再次被這個(gè)世界上的俗念所俘虜?？删驮谀翘煸缟?，當(dāng)我在與意念交流時(shí)，我發(fā)了誓，我要在夜晚降臨之前向母親宣布我的決定，在圣餐禮[1]后，我請(qǐng)求上帝給我思想上的安寧。這時(shí)，我似乎找到了答案，只有當(dāng)你已經(jīng)放棄得到它的欲念，你才會(huì)真正擁有它?！?/p>

院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤似乎陷入了對(duì)過去的回憶中，有點(diǎn)兒忘我。

“那一天，我的一位朋友，維爾諾女士已經(jīng)動(dòng)身去了卡梅爾而沒有告訴她的家人，她知道他們會(huì)反對(duì)她的行動(dòng)，但是她是一位寡婦，覺得有權(quán)利去做自己愿意做的事。我的一位表姐去送這位親愛的逃亡者，直到晚上才回來，而且對(duì)這位逃亡者的行為特別感動(dòng)。我還沒有把我的想法告訴母親，一想到我要把自己內(nèi)心的想法向她和盤托出，我就禁不住顫抖。然而，我還是希望就按我在圣餐禮上的決定去做。我問了表姐各種各樣的問題，我的母親好像集中了全部的注意力在織她的掛毯，沒有說話。我自言自語地說，如果我想今天就說，當(dāng)下就是機(jī)會(huì)。

“很奇怪我現(xiàn)在還能清清楚楚地記得當(dāng)時(shí)的情景。我們坐在一張圓桌旁，圓桌上蓋著紅色的桌布，我們?cè)谝槐K有著綠罩的燈下工作。我的兩個(gè)表姐和我們一起，正在織著坐墊，坐墊是準(zhǔn)備放在客廳的那幾把椅子上的。試想，從路易十四時(shí)代起，這幾把椅子就沒有坐墊，它們被買回來時(shí)又破舊又褪色，我母親說這太不體面了。

“我試圖想厘清我要說的話，但發(fā)現(xiàn)還是無法張口。接下來，經(jīng)過了幾分鐘的沉默之后，我母親突然對(duì)我說道：‘我真的不能理解你朋友的行為，我不喜歡她這種對(duì)所有的親人都不告而別的方式，這和我的處事理念是格格不入的。一個(gè)教養(yǎng)良好的女人不應(yīng)該去做讓人們說三道四的事情。我希望如果有一天你想離開我們，雖然我們會(huì)很難過，但你千萬不要匆匆出逃，好像你犯了什么罪似的?！?/p>

“這一刻我該開口了，但是我太軟弱了，說出口的話卻是：‘啊，您放心，媽媽，我還沒有那種勇氣?！?/p>

“我母親沒有回答，我暗自懊悔，因?yàn)槲也桓叶嗾f幾句，為自己的想法解釋一下。我似乎聽到了上帝對(duì)圣彼得所說的話：‘彼得，你不愛我嗎？’哦，我是多么的軟弱，多么的忘恩負(fù)義呀！我愛舒適的生活方式，愛我的家人和平常的消遣娛樂。我正迷失在胡思亂想中，沒過一會(huì)兒，好像剛才的對(duì)話沒有被打斷一樣，我母親對(duì)我說：‘冷靜，我的奧黛特，如果不去做那些不得不做的事，我覺得你也死不了?！?/p>

“我仍然在我的焦慮和思索中不知所措，而我的表姐妹們，全然不知我心跳得有多厲害，她們?cè)陟o靜地穿針走線。這時(shí)，我的母親，突然把她手中的織物放下了，認(rèn)真地看著我說：‘呃，我親愛的孩子，我敢肯定，你最終的結(jié)局就是成為一名修女?！?/p>

“‘此話可當(dāng)真，我親愛的母親？’我答道，‘您把我內(nèi)心深處的想法和我多年來的愿望明白無誤地說出來了?！?/p>

“‘是啊?！业谋斫忝脗兒暗?，沒給我時(shí)間讓我說完，‘這兩年時(shí)間，奧黛特沒想別的，成天想的就是去做修女，您不會(huì)同意的吧，姑姑，您一定不會(huì)同意的?！?/p>

“‘我親愛的孩子們，我有什么權(quán)利拒絕她呢？’我母親說道，‘如果那是上帝的旨意?！?/p>

“然后，我的表姐妹們開玩笑似的搶著跟我說話，問我打算怎么處理我的東西，快樂地爭(zhēng)吵著哪件東西應(yīng)歸誰。但這些歡鬧的氣氛沒持續(xù)多久，我們就開始哭泣了。這時(shí)，我們聽見樓梯上傳來的父親的腳步聲?！?/p>

院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤停了一會(huì)兒，嘆了口氣。

“我父親一時(shí)無法接受，我是他唯一的女兒，男人們通常對(duì)女兒的感情要比對(duì)兒子的更深?！?/p>

“人有感情真是一件大不幸的事?！眲P蒂笑著說道。

“把愛奉獻(xiàn)給耶穌基督又是一件多么幸運(yùn)的事?！?/p>

就在這時(shí)，一個(gè)小姑娘跑到院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤的身邊，興致勃勃地給嬤嬤看一個(gè)她剛剛得到的玩具。院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤用她漂亮、纖細(xì)的手摟著孩子的肩膀，孩子小鳥依人般地貼著嬤嬤。讓凱蒂感動(dòng)的是，她看到嬤嬤臉上的微笑是那么的甜蜜，又是那么的神圣。

“您能讓所有的孤兒都那么喜歡您真是太了不起了，嬤嬤?！彼f道，“如果我也能喚起別人對(duì)我的愛，也會(huì)非常自豪的?！?/p>

院長(zhǎng)嬤嬤再一次露出超然、美麗的微笑。