雙語·面紗 第六十一章

61

Walter did not come back to dinner that evening. Kitty waited for him a little, for when he was detained in the city he always managed to send her word, but at last she sat down. She made no more than a pretense of eating the many courses which the Chinese cook, with his regard for propriety notwithstanding pestilence and the difficulty of provisioning, invariably set before her; and then, sinking into the long rattan chair by the open window, surrendered herself to the beauty of the starry night. The silence rested her.

She did not try to read. Her thoughts floated upon the surface of her mind like little white clouds reflected on a still lake. She was too tired to seize upon one, follow it up and absorb herself in its attendant train. She wondered vaguely what there was for her in the various impressions which her conversations with the nuns had left upon her. It was singular that, though their way of life so profoundly moved her, the faith which occasioned it left her untouched. She could not envisage the possibility that she might at any time be captured by the ardor of belief. She gave a little sigh: perhaps it would make everything easier if that great white light should illuminate her soul. Once or twice she had had the desire to tell the Mother Superior of her unhappiness and its cause; but she dared not: she could not bear that this austere woman should think ill of her. To her what she had done would naturally seem a grievous sin. The odd thing was that she herself could not regard it as wicked so much as stupid and ugly.

Perhaps it was due to an obtuseness in herself that she looked upon her connection with Townsend as regrettable and shocking even, but to be forgotten rather than to be repented of. It was like making a blunder at a party; there was nothing to do about it, it was dreadfully mortifying, but it showed a lack of sense to ascribe too much importance to it. She shuddered as she thought of Charlie with his large frame too well covered, the vagueness of his jaw, and the way he had of standing with his chest thrown out so that he might not seem to have a paunch. His sanguine temperament showed itself in the little red veins which soon would form a network on his ruddy cheeks. She had liked his bushy eyebrows: there was to her in them now something animal and repulsive.

And the future? It was curious how indifferent it left her; she could not see into it at all. Perhaps she would die when her baby was born. Her sister Doris had always been much stronger than she, and Doris had nearly died. (She had done her duty and produced an heir to the new baronetcy; Kitty smiled as she thought of her mother's satisfaction.) If the future was so vague it meant perhaps that she was destined never to see it. Walter would probably ask her mother to take care of the child--if the child survived; and she knew him well enough to be sure that, however uncertain of his paternity, he would treat it with kindness. Walter could be trusted under any circumstances to behave admirably. It was a pity that with his great qualities, his unselfishness and honor, his intelligence and sensibility, he should be so unlovable. She was not in the least frightened of him now, but sorry for him, and at the same time she could not help thinking him slightly absurd. The depth of his emotion made him vulnerable and she had a feeling that somehow and at some time she so could work upon it as to induce him to forgive her. The thought haunted her now that in thus giving him peace of mind she would make the only possible amends for the anguish she had caused him. It was a pity he had so little sense of humor: she could see them both, some day, laughing together at the way they had tormented themselves.

She was tired. She took the lamp into her room and undressed. She went to bed and presently fell asleep.

第六十一章

那天晚上，沃爾特沒有回來吃晚飯。凱蒂等了他一段時間，因為他如果在城里有事耽擱了，總是會想方設法派人給她個信兒。最后她還是一個人在桌邊坐了下來。她已經(jīng)不再吃中國廚子做的菜了，原因是這個廚子總是一成不變地按照規(guī)矩幾菜一湯地準備飯菜，一點兒也不考慮瘟疫的危險和食物供應的困難。簡單地用過飯后，她在窗邊的一個長條藤椅上躺了下去，四周是星光熠熠的夜空和一片沉寂。

她沒有試著去讀書，思緒浮在心頭，就好像朵朵白云映照在平靜的湖面。她太疲倦了，不能厘清這些思緒，無法集中注意力去思考伴隨這些思緒的問題。她在恍惚中想搞明白，和修女們交談后留下的印象到底對她意味著什么。很奇特，雖然她們的生活方式讓她深深地感動，但是引發(fā)如此生活方式的信仰卻沒有打動她。她不能設想這種可能性，即她在什么時候也能夠被信仰的熱情所征服。她輕輕地嘆了口氣，如果那道偉大的白光能夠照亮她的心靈，也許一切將變得簡單容易。有一兩次，她甚至有種沖動告訴院長嬤嬤她的不幸，但她又不敢這么做。她不能忍受這位純樸的女人對她產(chǎn)生不好的印象。對她而言，她以前的行為自然是一種深重的罪孽，可奇怪的是，她本人倒是沒把它看作是邪惡的行為，只不過把它看作是愚蠢和丑陋的行徑。

或許是由于她感覺遲鈍，她把自己和查理之間的關系看作是令人遺憾的，甚至讓人吃驚的，但是它也應該是需要忘記的，而不是有什么懊悔的。就像在一場聚會上所犯的無心之過，現(xiàn)在后悔也于事無補，事情本身是屈辱的，但是她自己缺少一種意識，認定事情是多么的重要。當她想到查理，心里也會咯噔一下。他對自己身材的缺點隱藏得恰到好處，他平常會把下巴收一下，使得大下巴不太明顯，站立的時候會挺著胸，這樣看上去，他的肚腩也會小一些。他樂觀自信的性情很容易表現(xiàn)出來，因為他的血管充血后，很快就能讓他面色紅潤起來。她曾經(jīng)喜歡他的濃眉，而現(xiàn)在她覺得那像動物的粗毛，讓人厭惡。

未來會怎么樣？奇怪的是她根本無所謂，也許她也根本無法預見。也許她會死于難產(chǎn)，她的妹妹多瑞絲身體比她好得多，可多瑞絲在生孩子時差點兒死去（她已經(jīng)盡到了自己的責任，已經(jīng)生下了準男爵爵位的繼承人。凱蒂想到她母親心滿意足的樣子，自己先笑了）。如果未來是那么模糊不清，也許意味著她注定無從預見。沃爾特可能會讓她的母親照料這個孩子——如果這個孩子能活下來的話。她了解他的個性，他肯定會這么做的，但她不能確定他對這孩子的父愛有多少，他可能還是會善待這個孩子的。沃爾特在任何情況下都值得信任，而且勇于擔當。他有著那么多可貴的品質(zhì)，他的無私和榮譽感，他的智慧和敏感，可就是很可惜，他可敬但不可親。至少她現(xiàn)在不再害怕他了，只是為他感到遺憾，同時，她忍不住覺得他有點兒荒唐。他深沉的感情使他變得脆弱，她有一種直覺，也許某一時刻，她會有某種辦法讓他能夠原諒她。這種想法現(xiàn)在總在她的腦海中盤旋，也許只有這樣才能讓他的內(nèi)心平靜下來，她也只能用這種方式才能彌補她給他帶來的痛苦。他沒有什么幽默感真是遺憾，有那么一天，她似乎能看見他們兩個人一起嘲笑他們曾經(jīng)彼此折磨對方的方式。

她覺得累了，把燈拿到房間里，脫了外衣，上了床以后很快進入了夢鄉(xiāng)。