雙語·面紗 第五十九章

59

Kitty fell again into the comfortable routine of her work and though in the early morning feeling far from well she had spirit enough not to let it discompose her. She was astonished at the interest the nuns took in her: sisters who, when she saw them in a corridor, had done no more than bid her good morning now on a flimsy pretext came into the room in which she was occupied and looked at her, chatting a little, with a sweet and childlike excitement. Sister St. Joseph told her with a repetition which was sometimes tedious how she had been saying to herself for days past: “Now, I wonder,” or: “I shouldn't be surprised;” and then, when Kitty fainted: “There can be no doubt, it jumps to the eyes.” She told Kitty long stories of her sister-in-law's confinements, which but for Kitty's quick sense of humor would have been not a little alarming. Sister St. Joseph combined in a pleasant fashion the realistic outlook of her upbringing (a river wound through the meadows of her father's farm and the poplars that stood on its bank trembled in the faintest breeze) with a charming intimacy with religious things. One day, firmly convinced that a heretic could know nothing of such matters, she told Kitty of the Annunciation.

“I can never read those lines in the Holy Writ without weeping,” she said. “I do not know why, but it gives me such a funny feeling.”

And then in French, in words that to Kitty sounded unfamiliar and in their precision a trifle cold, she quoted:

“And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail full of grace, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.”

The mystery of birth blew through the convent like a little fitful wind playing among the white blossoms of an orchard. The thought that Kitty was with child disturbed and excited those sterile women. She frightened them a little now and fascinated them. They looked upon the physical side of her condition with robust common sense, for they were the daughters of peasants and fishermen; but in their childlike hearts was awe. They were troubled by the thought of her burden and yet happy and strangely exalted. Sister St. Joseph told her that they all prayed for her, and Sister St. Martin had said what a pity it was she was not a Catholic; but the Mother Superior had reproved her; she said that it was possible to be a good woman--une brave femme, she put it--even though one was Protestant and le Bon Dieu would in some way or other arraneg all that.

Kitty was both touched and diverted by the interest she aroused, but surprised beyond measure when she found that even the Mother Superior, so austere in her saintliness, treated her with a new complaisance. She had always been kind to Kitty, but in a remote fashion; now she used her with a tenderness in which there was something maternal. Her voice had in it a new and gentle note and in her eyes was a sudden playfulness as though Kitty were a child who had done a clever and amusing thing. It was oddly moving. Her soul was like a calm, grey sea rolling majestically, awe-inspiring in its sombre greatness, and then suddenly a ray of sunshine made it alert, friendly, and gay. Often now in the evening she would come and sit with Kitty.

“I must take care that you do not tire yourself, mon enfant,” she said, making a transparent excuse to herself, “or Dr. Fane will never forgive me. Oh, this British self-control! There he is delighted beyond measure and when you speak to him of it he becomes quite pale.”

She took Kitty's hand and patted it affectionately.

“Dr. Fane told me that he wished you to go away, but you would not because you could not bear to leave us. That was kind of you, my dear child, and I want you to know that we appreciate the help you have been to us. But I think that you did not want to leave him either, and that is better, for your place is by his side, and he needs you. Ah, I do not know what we should have done without that admirable man.”

“I am glad to think that he has been able to do something for you,” said Kitty.

“You must love him with all your heart, my dear. He is a saint.”

Kitty smiled and in her heart sighed. There was only one thing she could do for Walter now and that she could not think how to. She wanted him to forgive her, not for her sake any more, but for his own; for she felt that this alone could give him peace of mind. It was useless to ask him for his forgiveness, and if he had a suspicion that she desired it for his good rather than hers his stubborn vanity would make him refuse at all costs (it was curious that his vanity now did not irritate her, it seemed natural and only made her sorrier for him);and the only chance was that some unexpected occurrence might throw him off his guard. She had an idea that he would welcome an uprush of emotion which would liberate him from his nightmare of resentment, but that, in his pathetic folly, he would fight when it came with all his might against it.

Was it not pitiful that men, tarrying so short a space in a world where there was so much pain, should thus torture themselves?

第五十九章

凱蒂再次投入到每天例行的工作之中，這讓她覺得很踏實(shí)，雖然每天一大早，能夠感覺到身體有所不適，但她有精神和毅力不受干擾。她很吃驚地發(fā)現(xiàn)，修女們開始對(duì)她格外關(guān)注起來。當(dāng)她在走廊上遇見這些修女時(shí)，以前不過是跟她簡單地打個(gè)招呼，而現(xiàn)在會(huì)有一搭沒一搭地找個(gè)借口去她待的房間看望一下她，帶著甜蜜的和孩子般的興奮和她聊會(huì)兒天。圣約瑟夫修女反復(fù)地說——有時(shí)甚至有些啰唆，她可能一直自己叨叨了好幾天了——“現(xiàn)在，我想知道……”或者“我一點(diǎn)兒也不奇怪……”，當(dāng)凱蒂有點(diǎn)兒虛弱時(shí)，圣約瑟夫修女又會(huì)說：“毫無疑問，它逃不過我的眼睛?！彼鷦P蒂講了很多她弟妹懷孕時(shí)的故事，這些故事只是讓凱蒂覺得好笑，沒有一丁點(diǎn)兒借鑒作用。圣約瑟夫修女能夠把自己成長的背景（一條小河蜿蜒流過她父親農(nóng)莊的草地，矗立在岸邊的楊樹在微風(fēng)中擺動(dòng)）和對(duì)宗教有關(guān)東西的親密，用一種令人愉快的方式結(jié)合起來。有一天，她堅(jiān)定地宣稱異教徒是無法理解此類事情的，她向凱蒂講述了天使報(bào)喜節(jié)[1]。

“我每次讀圣經(jīng)都會(huì)淚流滿面?！彼又f道，“我不知道為什么，但它給了我一種特有意思的感覺。”

然后她又用法語開始說了，這些詞語凱蒂聽上去不太熟悉，但一字一句顯得很準(zhǔn)確，她用冷靜的語氣引用道：

“天使降臨，對(duì)她說，瑪利亞，不要害怕，上帝與你同在，你在萬千婦女中得到賜福。”

關(guān)于生育的神秘的傳聞在修道院中傳播，猶如一陣陣的風(fēng)在果園盛開的白色花朵中刮過。凱蒂懷孕的事實(shí)讓那些不能生育的修女們既困擾又激動(dòng)，她讓她們害怕，又讓她們著迷。她們看著她身體的變化充滿了好奇，因?yàn)樗齻兪寝r(nóng)民或者漁夫的女兒，在她們孩子般天真的心靈中對(duì)生育之事很敬畏。她們想到她的肚子一天比一天大，覺得很麻煩，但也高興和莫名的興奮。圣約瑟夫修女告訴她，她們都在為她祈禱，圣馬丁修女甚至還說，她不是一個(gè)天主教徒真是可惜。但是院長嬤嬤為此還斥責(zé)過她，說不是天主教徒也可能是個(gè)好女人——一位勇敢的女人，院長還說即使一個(gè)人是新教教徒，上帝也會(huì)用某種方式或其他方式安排好一切的。

凱蒂對(duì)她所引起的關(guān)注既感動(dòng)又有點(diǎn)兒分心，但是更多的是吃驚，因?yàn)樗l(fā)現(xiàn)就連院長嬤嬤，這么一個(gè)恪守清規(guī)戒律的圣徒，也在用一種新的殷勤態(tài)度對(duì)待她。她本來一直就對(duì)凱蒂很好，但總保持著一定的距離，而現(xiàn)在她對(duì)凱蒂非常體貼溫柔，里面還帶有母愛的成分。她對(duì)凱蒂說話時(shí)總是和顏悅色，輕聲細(xì)語，看著凱蒂時(shí)，好像她是一個(gè)小孩子正在做一件聰明而有趣的事情，目光中突然帶有了某種覺得好玩的神色。真是奇怪而又令人感動(dòng)。她的心靈就像一片灰色的平靜大海，雄偉壯觀而即使陰沉?xí)r，也能激起人們的敬畏。然而，突然一縷陽光使它變得活躍、友好和快樂起來?，F(xiàn)在在傍晚的時(shí)候，她經(jīng)常也會(huì)過來和凱蒂坐一會(huì)兒。

“我必須過來關(guān)照一下你，可別累著自己，我親愛的孩子?！彼f道，而且還為自己找了一個(gè)明顯的借口，“否則的話，費(fèi)恩醫(yī)生絕不會(huì)原諒我。哦，他這個(gè)英國人的自制力可真強(qiáng)！明明他的喜悅無法估量，可你跟他談到這個(gè)話題時(shí)，他的臉色會(huì)變得蒼白。”

她拿起凱蒂的手，充滿憐愛地拍著它。

“費(fèi)恩醫(yī)生告訴我說，他希望你離開這兒，但是你不愿意，因?yàn)槟悴幌敫覀兎珠_。你真是太好了，我親愛的孩子，我想讓你知道，我們大家都很感激你一直以來對(duì)我們的幫助，我也覺得你舍不得我們，而且，你能陪在他身邊，是比較好的選擇，他也需要你。哈，我真不知道如果沒有這位令人欽佩的男人，我們應(yīng)該怎么辦了。”

“看到他能夠?yàn)槟銈冏鲆恍┦虑槲液芨吲d。”凱蒂說道。

“你必須全心全意地愛他，我親愛的，他是個(gè)圣人呢?！?/p>

凱蒂微笑著，但心里嘆了口氣。現(xiàn)在她只能為沃爾特做一件事，可她又不知道怎么去做。她想得到他的諒解，不再是為她自己，而是為了沃爾特。因?yàn)樗X得只有這樣，才能讓他的內(nèi)心安寧。向他求得原諒也沒有用，如果他懷疑她希望得到原諒是為了他，而不是為了自己，他執(zhí)拗的虛榮心會(huì)讓他不惜一切代價(jià)拒絕的（她納悶為什么他的虛榮心現(xiàn)在不會(huì)讓她生氣了，它似乎是很自然的事，只是讓她更為他感到遺憾）。唯一的機(jī)會(huì)就是有某件出乎意料的事情發(fā)生，讓他失去自我防衛(wèi)。她有了一個(gè)主意，他會(huì)歡迎感情的迸發(fā)，從而使他從怨恨的噩夢(mèng)中解脫出來，但是，在他令人同情的傻勁兒中，他可能會(huì)把自己封閉起來，并全力抵抗感情的進(jìn)攻。

在一個(gè)充滿痛苦的世界中，男人作為匆匆過客，還在自我折磨，這難道不可悲嗎？

* * *

[1]天使報(bào)喜（Annunciation），指的是圣母瑪利亞被告知將做基督的母親。