雙語(yǔ)·面紗 第五十四章

54

They sat on the steps of a little building (four lacquered columns and a high, tiled roof under which stood a great bronze bell) and watched the river flow sluggish and with many a bend towards the stricken city. They could see its crenellated walls. The heat hung over it like a pall. But the river, though it flowed so slowly, had still a sense of movement and it gave one a melancholy feeling of the transitoriness of things. Everything passed, and what trace of its passage remained? It seemed to Kitty that they were all, the human race, like the drops of water in that river and they flowed on, each so close to the other and yet so far apart, a nameless flood, to the sea. When all things lasted so short a time and nothing mattered very much, it seemed pitiful that men, attaching an absurd importance to trivial objects, should make themselves and one another so unhappy.

“Do you know Harrington Gardens?” she asked Waddington, with a smile in her beautiful eyes.

“No. Why?”

“Nothing; only it's a long way from here. It's where my people live.”

“Are you thinking of going home?”

“No.”

“I suppose you'll be leaving here in a couple of months. The epidemic seems to be abating and the cool weather should see the end of it.”

“I almost think I shall be sorry to go.”

For a moment she thought of the future. She did not know what plans Walter had in mind. He told her nothing. He was cool, polite, silent, and inscrutable. Two little drops in that river that flowed silently towards the unknown; two little drops that to themselves had so much individuality and to the onlooker were but an undistinguishable part of the water.

“Take care the nuns don't start converting you,” said Waddington, with his malicious little smile.

“They're much too busy. Nor do they care. They're wonderful and so kind; and yet--I hardly know how to explain it--there is a wall between them and me. I don't know what it is. It is as though they possessed a secret which made all the difference in their lives and which I was unworthy to share. It is not faith; it is something deeper and more--more significant: they walk in a different world from ours and we shall always be strangers to them. Each day when the convent door closes behind me I feel that for them I have ceased to exist.”

“I can understand that it is something of a blow to your vanity,” he returned mockingly.

“My vanity.”

Kitty shrugged her shoulders. Then, smiling once more, she turned to him lazily.

“Why did you never tell me that you lived with a Manchu princess?”

“What have those gossiping old women been telling you? I am sure that it is a sin for nuns to discuss the private affairs of the Customs officials.”

“Why should you be so sensitive?”

Waddington glanced down, sideways, so that it gave him an air of slyness. He faintly shrugged his shoulders.

“It's not a thing to advertise. I do not know that it would greatly add to my chances of promotion in the service.”

“Are you very fond of her?”

He looked up now and his ugly little face had the look of a naughty schoolboy's.

“She's abandoned everything for my sake, home, family, security, and self-respect. It's a good many years now since she threw everything to the winds to be with me. I've sent her away two or three times, but she's always come back; I've run away from her myself, but she's always followed me. And now I've given it up as a bad job; I think I've got to put up with her for the rest of my life.”

“She must really love you to distraction.”

“It's a rather funny sensation, you know,” he answered, wrinkling a perplexed forehead. “I haven't the smallest doubt that if I really left her, definitely, she would commit suicide. Not with any ill-feeling towards me, but quite naturally, because she was unwilling to live without me. It is a curious feeling it gives one to know that. It can't help meaning something to you.”

“But it's loving that's the important thing, not being loved. One's not even grateful to the people who love one; if one doesn't love them, they only bore one.”

“I have no experience of the plural,” he replied. “Mine is only in the singular.”

“Is she really an Imperial Princess?”

“No, that is a romantic exaggeration of the nuns. She belongs to one of the great families of the Manchus, but they have, of course, been ruined by the revolution. She is all the same a very great lady.”

He said it in a tone of pride, so that a smile flickered in Kitty's eyes.

“Are you going to stay here for the rest of your life then?”

“In China? Yes. What would she do elsewhere? When I retire I shall take a little Chinese house in Peking and spend the rest of my days there.”

“Have you any children?”

“No.”

She looked at him curiously. It was strange that this little bald-headed man with his monkey face should have aroused in the alien woman so devastating a passion. She could not tell why the way he spoke of her, notwithstanding his casual manner and his flippant phrases, gave her the impression so strongly of the woman's intense and unique devotion. It troubled her a little.

“It does seem a long way to Harrington Gardens,” she smiled.

“Why do you say that?”

“I don't understand anything. Life is so strange. I feel like some one who's lived all his life by a duck-pond and suddenly is shown the sea. It makes me a little breathless, and yet it fills me with elation. I don't want to die, I want to live. I'm beginning to feel a new courage. I feel like one of those old sailors who set sail for undiscovered seas and I think my soul hankers for the unknown.”

Waddington looked at her reflectively. Her abstracted gaze rested on the smoothness of the river. Two little drops that flowed silently, silently towards the dark, eternal sea.

“May I come and see the Manchu lady?” asked Kitty, suddenly raising her head.

“She can't speak a word of English.”

“You've been very kind to me, you've done a great deal for me, perhaps I could show her by my manner that I had a friendly feeling towards her.”

Waddington gave a thin, mocking little smile, but he answered with good-humour.

“I will come and fetch you one day and she shall give you a cup of jasmine tea.”

She would not tell him that this story of an alien love had from the first moment strangely intrigued her fancy, and the Manchu Princess stood now as the symbol of something that vaguely, but insistently, beckoned to her. She pointed enigmatically to a mystic land of the spirit.

第五十四章

他們坐在一座小建筑物前的臺(tái)階上（四個(gè)上了漆的柱子和高高的傾斜屋頂，屋頂下矗立著一座巨大的銅鐘），遠(yuǎn)眺河水九曲十八彎地緩緩流向疫情嚴(yán)重的城鎮(zhèn)，有著垛口的城墻也歷歷在目，炎熱的空氣籠罩著城鎮(zhèn)，就像給城鎮(zhèn)穿了一層厚厚的柩衣一樣。但是，這條河流，雖然流動(dòng)得很慢，可仍然不失流動(dòng)的感覺(jué)，并給人以萬(wàn)物曇花一現(xiàn)的憂傷。一切都會(huì)流逝，會(huì)有什么痕跡留下來(lái)嗎？在凱蒂看來(lái)，所有人都像河流中的水滴，向前流動(dòng)，每一滴水彼此靠近，然后又相互遠(yuǎn)離，匯成無(wú)名的波濤奔向大海。一切都那么的短暫，那么的微不足道。人們把過(guò)眼云煙的東西看得如此之重，被無(wú)聊瑣碎的事情搞得痛苦不堪，真是可悲呀。

“你知道哈靈頓花園嗎？”她問(wèn)威廷頓，美麗的眼睛中帶著笑意。

“不知道，怎么了？”

“沒(méi)什么，只是那個(gè)地方離這兒很遠(yuǎn)，我的家人就住在那里?！?/p>

“你想回家鄉(xiāng)了？”

“沒(méi)有?！?/p>

“我以為你過(guò)不了幾個(gè)月就可以離開(kāi)這兒了。瘟疫似乎會(huì)減弱，涼爽的氣候應(yīng)該可以讓它滅絕。”

“我現(xiàn)在幾乎舍不得離開(kāi)這兒了?！?/p>

她想了一會(huì)兒自己的未來(lái)，不知道沃爾特心里做了怎樣的安排，他什么也沒(méi)告訴她。他總是那么不茍言笑、彬彬有禮、沉默寡言和神秘莫測(cè)。他們倆就像河里兩個(gè)小水滴安靜地流向了未知的將來(lái)。兩個(gè)小水滴從自己的角度上看，是那么個(gè)性迥異，而在外人看來(lái)，是河水無(wú)法區(qū)分的組成部分。

“跟那些修女在一起可得小心，別讓她們忽悠你入了教?！蓖㈩D說(shuō)道，嘴角帶著他壞壞的微笑。

“她們都特別忙，沒(méi)人顧得上干這種事。她們也都特別棒，人都很善良?？墒?，我?guī)缀醪恢涝趺慈ソ忉尅孟袼齻兒臀抑g有一堵墻，我不知道這堵墻是什么，就好像她們有一個(gè)秘密，使得她們的生活與眾不同，而我還沒(méi)有資格來(lái)分享這個(gè)秘密。它不是信仰，應(yīng)該是某種更深刻和更有意義的東西。她們?cè)谝粋€(gè)和我們不同的世界里行走，對(duì)于她們來(lái)說(shuō)，我們永遠(yuǎn)是陌生人。當(dāng)修道院的大門(mén)每天在我身后關(guān)上的時(shí)候，我覺(jué)得在她們的眼中，我已經(jīng)不復(fù)存在?！?/p>

“我能理解，這種東西對(duì)于你的虛榮是一個(gè)打擊?！彼芭鼗貜?fù)道。

“我的虛榮。”

凱蒂聳了聳肩，然后，又一次微笑著、懶洋洋地轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)頭去看著他。

“為什么你從來(lái)沒(méi)有告訴我，你和一個(gè)清朝的格格在同居？”

“這些嚼舌根的老女人都告訴了你些什么？我敢說(shuō)修女們?cè)诒澈笳務(wù)摵ｊP(guān)官員的私生活絕對(duì)是一種罪過(guò)?！?/p>

“你為什么那么敏感？”

威廷頓向下瞥了一眼，又向旁邊看去，讓他看上去很詭秘。他略微聳了一下肩。

“本來(lái)就不是什么值得嚷嚷的事，而且我也知道它會(huì)極大地影響我的職務(wù)升遷?！?/p>

“你真的很喜歡她嗎？”

他抬起頭來(lái)，丑陋的小臉上浮現(xiàn)出男人調(diào)皮的神情。

“因?yàn)槲业木壒仕龗仐壛艘磺?，家庭、親人、安全和自尊。自從她把一切都拋到九霄云外跟我在一起之后，已經(jīng)過(guò)去好多年了。我曾經(jīng)把她送回去過(guò)兩三次，但是最終她又跑回來(lái)了，我自己還離家出走過(guò)好幾次，但她總能找到我?，F(xiàn)在我已經(jīng)徹底投降了，我想余生都得忍受著和她一起過(guò)下去了。”

“她一定愛(ài)你愛(ài)得發(fā)瘋?！?/p>

“那真是一種相當(dāng)可笑的感覺(jué)，你知道?！彼卮鸬溃济蠐P(yáng)，面露困惑，“我絲毫也不懷疑，如果我真的離開(kāi)了她，她絕對(duì)會(huì)自殺，而且并不怨恨我，反而覺(jué)得是理所應(yīng)當(dāng)?shù)氖?，因?yàn)槿绻麤](méi)有我，她不愿意活在世上。人們會(huì)知道，竟然還有這樣一種奇怪的感情，對(duì)每個(gè)人來(lái)說(shuō)，這種感情多少會(huì)有些意義的?！?/p>

“但是，這種感情是愛(ài)，是很重要的東西，被人愛(ài)反而不重要。一個(gè)人甚至不會(huì)對(duì)愛(ài)自己的人心存感激的。要是一個(gè)人并不愛(ài)她們，就只會(huì)覺(jué)得她們厭煩。”

“我沒(méi)有和多個(gè)人談戀愛(ài)的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，”他回答說(shuō)，“我只有這樣一個(gè)?！?/p>

“她真的是清朝的格格嗎？”

“不是，這種說(shuō)法是修女們的演繹和夸張，她確實(shí)出身于清朝的一個(gè)貴族家庭。當(dāng)然，清朝已經(jīng)被革命推翻了，但不管怎么說(shuō)，她還是一個(gè)很了不起的女人。”

他用一種驕傲的口吻說(shuō)道，使得凱蒂的眼中閃過(guò)一絲笑意。

“那么你將在這里度過(guò)你的余生嗎？”

“在中國(guó)嗎？是的，在別處我還能干什么？等我退休了，我會(huì)去北平買(mǎi)一處小的宅院，在那兒度過(guò)我的下半輩子?！?/p>

“你有孩子嗎？”

“沒(méi)有?！?/p>

她好奇地看著他，就這樣一個(gè)小個(gè)兒光頭，長(zhǎng)著一張猴子臉的男人，怎么會(huì)在一個(gè)異國(guó)的女人心中激起那么巨大的感情波瀾呢，真是不可思議。她也搞不清楚他談?wù)撍龝r(shí)，為什么會(huì)用那樣一種說(shuō)話方式。盡管他說(shuō)話時(shí)顯得隨隨便便，用的詞語(yǔ)也顯得油嘴滑舌，但還是能給凱蒂一種強(qiáng)烈的感覺(jué)，那個(gè)女人對(duì)他是一往情深、忠貞不貳的，這倒是讓她覺(jué)得很困擾。

“回到哈靈頓花園似乎有很長(zhǎng)一段路要走?！彼χf(shuō)。

“你為什么要說(shuō)這個(gè)？”

“我什么都不明白。生活是如此奇怪。我覺(jué)得好像一個(gè)人一輩子都生活在一個(gè)小水塘邊，突然有一天他面朝大海。要換了我，我會(huì)有些喘不上氣來(lái)，但還是會(huì)興高采烈的。我覺(jué)得好像一名老水手，揚(yáng)帆海上去探索未知的海域，我覺(jué)得我的靈魂也在渴求探索未知的領(lǐng)域。”

威廷頓若有所思地看著她，而她則出神地凝視著平靜的河面。兩個(gè)小水滴靜靜地、靜靜地向著黑色的、永恒的大海流去。

“我能有機(jī)會(huì)見(jiàn)到那位滿族女士嗎？”凱蒂忽然抬起了頭問(wèn)道。

“她一句英語(yǔ)也不會(huì)說(shuō)。”

“你一直都很關(guān)照我，幫了我很多忙，也許我應(yīng)該向她表示感謝，并和她交個(gè)朋友?！?/p>

威廷頓略帶諷刺地笑了笑，但還是心情愉快地回答道：

“找一天我過(guò)來(lái)接你，她會(huì)給你沏茉莉花茶的?！?/p>

她沒(méi)有告訴他，這個(gè)異國(guó)愛(ài)情的故事在她第一次聽(tīng)說(shuō)時(shí)就激起了她無(wú)盡的想象，那位清朝的格格站立在那兒，就像某個(gè)象征性的東西，雖然模模糊糊看不清，但堅(jiān)持不懈地召喚著她，難以理解地把她指到了一個(gè)神秘的精神之地。