人生不設限·成功與幸福所需的人際能力

“人際關系能力”這個詞被廣泛使用，但其實定義不太明確。我們都以為自己的社交技巧不錯，但其實你我的人際能力都還有進步的空間。

"People skills" is a widely used term but is rarely well defined. We all like to think we have great people skills, just like most of us are under the illusion that we are great drivers. My brother teases that I'm the world's worst backseat driver even though I've never had a legal driver's license. According to him, my people skills are a work in progress. Yours should be a work in progress too.

獲得成功與幸福所需要的技巧，我們不是理所當然就會的。你的生命可以不受限，但你不能過一個無法與他人建立信任關系的人生。這就是為什么你應該自我監(jiān)測、評估，并且努力鍛煉、琢磨你跟周遭人打交道的方式。心理學家指出，要建立信任聯(lián)結(jié)及互相支持的關系，必須仰賴幾種基本的人際關系能力，包括：

No one should take for granted skills that are critical to success and happiness. You can live a life without limits, but you can't live a life without trusting relationships. That is why you should always self-monitor, assess, and work to develop and refine the ways in which you engage with those around you. Psychologists say that our ability to build bonds of trust and mutually supportive relationships depends on a few primary people skills. These include the ability to:

覺察他人的情緒和心情

● Read emotions and moods

仔細聆聽他人說話的內(nèi)容及方式

● Listen attentively to what others say and how they say it

評估、理解他人的非言語信號，并有所回應

● Assess, comprehend, and react to nonverbal signals from others

主導社交聚會

● Navigate any social setting or gathering

快速與他人建立聯(lián)結(jié)

● Bond quickly with others

在任何情境下都能發(fā)揮魅力

● Turn on the charm in any situation

練習得體的態(tài)度與自我控制

● Practice tact and self-control

以行動展現(xiàn)對他人的關懷

● Demonstrate care for others with actions

現(xiàn)在，就讓我們仔細地逐一檢視這些基本的人際能力。

Now let's look at each of those basic people skills in more detail.

讀人

Taking a Read

每個人多少都具備閱讀肢體語言、聲調(diào)、臉部表情及眼神的技能。我們總是不由自主地抓到這些信號，大部分人甚至可以看出某人正在假裝生氣，或者假裝疼痛，為的是引起注意。心理學家說，讀人的能力會隨著年紀增長而進步，而且女人往往比男人厲害，尤其是有小孩的女性——這并不讓我感到意外。我媽媽讀我跟讀書一樣，好像常常事先就知道我不舒服、受傷害、受挫折，或是覺得難過。

Reading body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, and the look in someone's eyes is a skill we all have to some degree. We really can't help but pick up these signals. Most people can even tell when someone is pretending to be angry but isn't, or is faking pain just for attention. Psychologists say this skill improves as we age, and women are generally better at it than men. I wasn't surprised to learn that women with children are especially good at it. My mum could read me like a book. She often seemed to know before I did when I felt sick, hurt, frustrated, or sad.

聆聽以了解他人

Listening to Understand

許多父母常說：“上帝只給了你一張嘴，但給了你兩只耳朵，所以你聽別人講的話，應該兩倍于你自己所說的話。”但我們常常沒有仔細聆聽，以了解別人在說些什么，反而稍微聽一下就忙著回應。想要真正與別人產(chǎn)生聯(lián)結(jié)，就必須考慮到言語背后的情緒，而不是只聽到言語本身。我不是兩性關系專家，不過倒是看過不少男性朋友為此所苦。女人的直覺力較強，所以常常被實事求是的男人氣到，因為男人比較容易接收到話語，而不是情緒。

This is what your parents were talking about when they said "God gave you just one mouth but He gave you two ears, so you should listen twice as much as you speak." Too often we don't listen to understand. Instead, we listen just enough so we can respond. To really connect, you have to take into account the feeling behind the words, not just the words themselves. I'm no relationship expert, but I've seen my fellow men struggle with this. Women are known to be more intuitive and can become frustrated with men, who tend to be more literal. They tune in to the words rather than the emotions.

掌握信息，適當反應

Get It and Go with It

仔細聆聽與觀察很重要，但更重要的是準確評估聽到和觀察到的內(nèi)容，然后采取適當行動。擅長此道的人通常擁有較好的人際關系，在工作上也有比較高的成就，而這也可能是一種生存技能。《紐約時報》報道過一個故事：兩名駐伊拉克的美軍有次在巡邏時看見一輛停著的車子，里面有兩個年輕人，雖然外面氣溫高達約49攝氏度，但車窗是緊閉的。其中一個士兵問另一個——一名陸軍中士——他可不可以拿點水給那兩個男孩喝，順便靠近那輛車子。

It's one thing to listen and observe carefully, but it's even more important to take what you hear and observe, accurately assess it, and then act upon it. The people who do this well tend to have the best relationships and to be high achievers in their work. It can also be an important survival skill. The New York Times reported a story about two American soldiers on patrol in Iraq who saw a parked car with two young boys inside. The windows were rolled up even though it was 120 degrees outside. One of the soldiers asked the other, his patrol sergeant, if he could offer the boys some water and took steps toward the car.

那名中士看了一下周遭環(huán)境，預測到危險，于是下令巡邏兵趕快退后。就在士兵轉(zhuǎn)過身時，有枚炸彈在車里爆炸了，兩個年輕人當場被炸死，而那位本來想去幫助他們的士兵則被碎片擊中，所幸生命無礙。

The sergeant looked at the entire scene around them and sensed danger. He ordered the patrol to fall back. Just as his soldier turned around, a bomb exploded inside the car. The two boys were killed. The soldier who wanted to help them was hit by shrapnel but survived.

后來那名中士回憶說，當他看見士兵靠近那輛車子時，“我的身體起了一陣涼意——你知道的，就是那種‘危險’的感覺。”其他細微的線索則是更早就觸動了他的天線——當天早上沒有人對他們開槍，這頗不尋常。再說，那天街上比平常安靜了許多。

Later the sergeant would recall that when he saw his soldier move toward the car, "My body got cooler; you know that danger feeling." Other subtle clues had tweaked his antennae earlier. No shots had been fired at them that morning, which was unusual, and overall the streets had been quieter than they were on a typical day.

針對退伍軍人的研究顯示，他們十分依賴感覺、肢體語言和反常現(xiàn)象(“就是有點怪怪的”)來迅速解讀周遭環(huán)境。這種能力不只對人際關系很重要，對生存也是。不只對退伍軍人很重要，對我們也是。

Studies of veteran soldiers have shown how they rely on their ability to quickly read and interpret their surroundings based on sensations, body language, or anomalies that "just don't fi t." This is critical not just for relationships but for survival, for them and for us.

搞定一屋子人

Work the Room

知道什么是合宜的舉止，并融入周圍情境——無論是在教會、私人鄉(xiāng)村俱樂部、公司野餐，或者只是一頓簡單的晚餐，是另一個重要的社交技能。你必須尊重所處的環(huán)境。每次到國外訪問，我通常會請主辦單位或翻譯人員幫助我了解當?shù)氐牧晳T和傳統(tǒng)，以免犯下讓聽眾對我產(chǎn)生敵意的錯誤。

Knowing how to act appropriately and fit in—whether at a church social, a private country club, an employee picnic, or a simple dinner—is another important people skill. You have to respect where you are. When visiting foreign lands, I often ask my host or interpreter to help me understand local customs and traditions so that I don't make a mistake that alienates my audience.

有些事在自己家里做沒關系，但在某些國家就不可以了。例如吃飯時打嗝在大多數(shù)地方都被認為是很沒禮貌的行為，不過在某些地方，打個響亮的飽嗝可是對廚師的贊美。更嚴格地來說，有些話題你在某些情境下要避免提及，例如過去的對立沖突和政治議題，或者在某些情況下，連宗教話題也會惹上麻煩。

There are certain actions you do while dining at home that you should never do during meals in certain countries. In most places belching is considered the height of rudeness, but in some places a good raucous burp is considered a compliment to the chef. On a more serious note, there are topics you should avoid in certain settings. Mentioning old conflicts, politics, and in some cases, even religion can only lead to trouble.

然而，有些與人互動之道是放諸四海皆準的。長大之后我了解到，與他人打交道時，聆聽是最有用的技巧，特別是當你要“搞定一屋子人”時。

But you can always find common ground for engaging with others. As I've matured, I've learned that listening is the most valuable skill for engaging others, especially when you are "working the room" in a large crowd.

與他人建立聯(lián)結(jié)的能力

Bond Ability

我們不只通過言語，也會憑借表情和肢體語言來與人建立聯(lián)結(jié)，這包括與其他人互動時，我們會把自己擺在哪個位置。通常是直到有人闖進我們的個人空間，才會讓我們注意到這件事。例如，“喜歡挨得很近說話的人”或許正試著跟人產(chǎn)生聯(lián)結(jié)，卻往往只會讓人想逃。很難斷言講話時雙方到底要保持什么樣的距離，因為我們會歡迎某些人進入我們的個人空間，對某些人則不。有一次在一場派對上，某個朋友向我投來十分恐慌的眼神，因為有四個人爭著要引起他的注意，把他擠到角落去了。他們的氣勢強過他，讓我的朋友看起來就像一只被獵犬逼到絕境的狐貍。

We bond with others not just through words but through our expressions and body language, which includes how we position ourselves in relation to others. We often aren't aware of our positioning until someone who is spatially impaired invades our personal space. Close talkers, for example, may be trying to bond, but they tend to send people fleeing. It's a difficult line to judge, because we welcome some people into our personal space more than others. A friend once shot me a look of utter panic at a party because he'd been backed into a corner by four people vying for his attention. They towered over him, and he looked a bit like a fox cornered by the hounds.

魅力大進攻

Charisma Campaign

要讓人注意到我不是個問題，不過讓注意力持續(xù)就是另一回事了。人們看到我的身體時會很好奇，但要他們盯著看就不太自在了，所以我只有幾秒鐘可以展現(xiàn)魅力，以扭轉(zhuǎn)局勢。特別是面對小孩或青少年時，我會開個玩笑說“請借我一只手”[22]，或是“有個東西花了我一只胳膊和一條腿呢”[23]。我讓他們知道，其實我聽得見他們的議論，而我可以跟他們一起一笑置之。我想魅力的秘訣就在于：讓你所遇到的每個人都覺得跟你說話時，你把全部的注意力都放在他們身上。

I don't have a problem capturing anyone's attention, but holding on to it is another challenge altogether. When I meet people, they are intrigued by my body but not always comfortable looking at it. I have just a few seconds to overcome that by turning on the charm. With kids and teens especially, I'll make jokes about "lending a hand" or something costing me "an arm and a leg," so they can see that I've heard all the comments and that I can laugh along with them. I think the real secret to charisma is making each person you meet feel that they have your complete attention when they speak to you.

得體的態(tài)度與自我控制

Tactical Unit

我們總以為自己對別人得體又細心，但我知道，有時我還是有不足之處。我弟弟亞倫很愛提醒我，小時候我總是對他頤指氣使，他對我可是忍耐多多。就算爸爸、媽媽都在家，他還是像我的保姆一樣，因為我們倆老是在一起。亞倫會告訴你，我這個人是個指揮狂。例如，有一天早上他的朋友菲爾來我們家，他在早餐時間走進我們的廚房，我就問亞倫和菲爾要不要來點培根和蛋。

We all tend to think we are tactful and thoughtful of other people, but I know I sometimes fall short. My brother loves to remind me that I bossed him around when we were younger. Aaron had to put up with a lot. Even when my parents were both home, he served as my caregiver because we were always together. He'll tell you that I could get a little crazy with my demands. One morning, for example, his friend Phil visited us. He walked into the kitchen at breakfast time, so I asked Aaron and Phil if they wanted some bacon and eggs.

“好啊。謝了，力克。”菲爾說。

"Sure, thanks, Nick!" Phil said.

然后我就開始準備給他培根和蛋了，方法是用叫的：“亞倫，你可不可以幫我拿幾顆蛋?噢，還有平底鍋。好，現(xiàn)在把鍋子放到爐子上，把蛋打在鍋子里，熟了我會接手。”

I set about fixing him bacon and eggs. I did this by yelling, "Okay, Aaron, can you get me some eggs, and I also need you to fetch the pan. Oh, and put the pan on the stove. Crack the eggs in the pan, and I'll take over once they're cooked."

當亞倫年齡漸大，長得愈來愈高大之后，終于找到辦法對付我這種喜歡指使別人的個性。每當他認為我要求太多時，就會威脅說要把我丟進柜子的抽屜里，然后關起來，把我留在那里。所以呢，我必須好好養(yǎng)成得體的社交技巧，否則就會被鎖起來，永久歸檔了。

As Aaron got older and bigger, he found a way to deal with my bossy ways. Whenever he decided that I was being too demanding, he'd threaten to put me in a cabinet drawer, shut it, and leave me there. So I had to develop tactful people skills, or I would have been filed away forever!

說到做到

Walk the Talk

我們常聽說有人是“說一套，做一套”。你或許善于傾聽，有高度的同理心，熱忱且有魅力，做人又很得體，但如果有人需要時，你卻不愿挺身而出、伸出援手，那么你其他的人際能力都沒有意義了。只會說“我感同身受”是不夠的，因為行動勝于空談。

We've all heard of those who "talk the talk but don't walk the walk." You can be a great listener, a highly empathetic, engaging, charming, and tactful person, but if you don't step up and reach out to other people when the situation requires it, then all your other skills are meaningless. Just saying "I feel for you" doesn't cover it. Your actions speak louder than your words.

在職場上，這表示你不只要將自己分內(nèi)的工作做好，努力追求成功，也要幫助別人做好他們的工作，并在他們努力邁向成功時提供支援。

In your work relationships, this means not only doing your job and striving to be successful but helping others do their jobs and supporting them in their efforts to succeed.