人生不設(shè)限·只差一點(diǎn)，我就把自己淹死在浴缸里了

有一天下午放學(xué)后，我問(wèn)媽媽可不可以把我放在浴缸里泡一會(huì)兒。當(dāng)她離開(kāi)浴室時(shí)，我請(qǐng)她把門(mén)帶上，然后就把耳朵浸入水里。在寂靜之中，沉重的思緒在我心里奔騰，其實(shí)我是計(jì)劃好要這么做的。

One afternoon after school I asked my mother if she could put me in the bath to soak for a while. I asked her to shut the door when she left the bathroom. Then I put my ears under water. In the silence, very heavy thoughts ran through my mind. I had planned in advance what I wanted to do.

如果上帝不帶走我的痛苦，如果我的生命根本沒(méi)有意義……如果我到人世走一遭只是為了體驗(yàn)被排斥和孤獨(dú)的感覺(jué)……我是每個(gè)人的包袱，我沒(méi)有未來(lái)……我現(xiàn)在就應(yīng)該結(jié)束一切。

If God will not take away my pain and if there is no purpose for me in this life . . . if I'm here only to experience rejection and loneliness . . . I'm a burden to everyone and I have no future . . . I should just end it now.

前面提過(guò)，我剛開(kāi)始學(xué)游泳時(shí)，是把肺里裝滿(mǎn)空氣，好讓自己仰著漂浮。現(xiàn)在我試著估計(jì)在翻過(guò)來(lái)之前，肺里要保留多少空氣：翻身之前要屏住氣嗎?我是要深深吸氣，還是只吸一半?是不是干脆把肺放空，直接翻沉算了?

As I mentioned when I described learning to swim, I'd float on my back by filling my lungs with air. Now I tried to gauge how much air to keep in my lungs before I flipped over. Do I hold my breath before I turn over? Do I take a full deep breath, or do I just do half? Should I just empty my lungs and fl ip over?

最后我直接轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)去，把臉沉入水中。我本能地屏住氣，而因?yàn)榉位盍繅?，我漂浮了一段?yīng)該不算短的時(shí)間。

I finally just turned and plunged my face under water. Instinctively, I held my breath. Because my lungs were strong, I stayed afloat for what seemed like a long time.

當(dāng)空氣沒(méi)了，我又翻了回來(lái)。

When my air gave out, I flipped back over.

我辦不到。

I can't do this.

但陰暗的念頭還在堅(jiān)持：“我要離開(kāi)這里。我只想消失。”

But the dark thoughts persisted: I want to get out of here. I just want to disappear.

我吐出肺里大部分的空氣，然后又翻了過(guò)去。我知道自己至少可以撐個(gè)十秒，所以我開(kāi)始倒數(shù)：“10、9、8、7、6、5、4、3……”

I blew most of the air out of my lungs and flipped over again. I knew I could hold my breath for at least ten seconds, so I counted down . . . 10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . . 7 . . . 6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . .

我繼續(xù)算著，然后，一個(gè)影像飛快閃過(guò)我心頭：父母在我的墳?zāi)惯吙奁?歲的弟弟亞倫也在哭，他們悲嘆地說(shuō)都是他們的錯(cuò)，他們應(yīng)該為我做更多。

As I counted, an image flashed in my mind of my dad and mum standing at my grave crying. I saw my seven-year-old brother, Aaron, crying too. They were all weeping, saying it was their fault, that they should have done more for me.

我無(wú)法忍受讓他們終身悔恨，覺(jué)得應(yīng)該為我的死負(fù)責(zé)。

I couldn't stand the thought of leaving them feeling responsible for my death for the rest of their lives.

我太自私了。

I'm being selfish.

我又翻過(guò)身來(lái)，大大吸了一口氣。我辦不到。

I flipped back over and drew a deep breath. I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave my family with such a burden of loss and guilt.

我不能讓家人背負(fù)這種失落和內(nèi)疚的重?fù)?dān)，但我的痛苦真的難以忍受。那天晚上，我在我們共用的房間里跟亞倫說(shuō)：“我打算在21歲時(shí)自殺。”

But my anguish was unbearable. That night in our shared bedroom, I told Aaron, "I'm planning to commit suicide when I'm twenty-one."

我覺(jué)得自己可以撐過(guò)高中和大學(xué)，再往后就沒(méi)辦法了。我不覺(jué)得自己可以像其他男人一樣，找到一份工作，然后結(jié)婚。有哪個(gè)女人會(huì)想嫁給我?所以，21歲看來(lái)就是結(jié)束我生命的時(shí)候了。當(dāng)然，對(duì)那時(shí)的我來(lái)說(shuō)，21歲還很遙遠(yuǎn)。

I thought I could stick it out through high school and university maybe, but I couldn't see myself beyond that. I didn't feel like I could ever get a job or get married like other men. What woman would want to marry me? So the age of twenty-one seemed like the end of the road for me. At my age, of course, it also seemed like a long time away.

“我要告訴爸爸你這樣說(shuō)。”弟弟回答。

"I'm telling Dad you said that," my little brother replied.

我叫他別告訴任何人，然后就閉上眼睛睡了。接下來(lái)，我就感覺(jué)到爸爸的重量，他坐在我的床上。

I told him not to tell anyone and closed my eyes to sleep. The next thing I knew, I felt the weight of my father as he sat down on my trundle bed.

“你說(shuō)要自殺?這是怎么回事?”他問(wèn)道。

"What is this about you wanting to kill yourself?" he asked.

爸爸用溫暖安定的語(yǔ)氣，告訴我還有許多美好的事在等著我。他一邊說(shuō)，一邊用手指梳理我的頭發(fā)——每次他這么做，我都好喜歡。

In a warm and reassuring tone, he talked to me about all the good things awaiting me. As he spoke, he combed my hair with his fingers. I always loved it when he did that.

“我們永遠(yuǎn)都會(huì)和你在一起，”爸爸保證，“一切都會(huì)沒(méi)事的。我答應(yīng)你，我們會(huì)一直在你身旁。你會(huì)好好的，兒子。”

"We will always be here for you," he reassured me. "Everything is going to be okay. I promise we will always be here for you. You are going to be fine, son."

有時(shí)只需要愛(ài)的碰觸與關(guān)懷的凝視，就能讓一個(gè)心亂如麻的孩子放松下來(lái)。在那個(gè)關(guān)頭，聽(tīng)到爸爸保證說(shuō)一切都會(huì)很順利，那就夠了。他用安撫的語(yǔ)調(diào)和觸摸讓我相信，他們一定會(huì)為我找到一條路。每個(gè)兒子都想信任父親，那天晚上，爸爸給了我某樣?xùn)|西，讓我可以緊緊握住。

A loving touch and caring gaze is sometimes all it takes to put a child's troubled heart and confused mind at ease. My father's reassurance that things would be okay was enough in that moment. He convinced me with his comforting tone and touch that he believed we would find a path for me. Every son wants to trust his father, and that night he gave me something to hold on to.

一個(gè)父親給孩子的保證是世上最強(qiáng)的，在這方面，我爸爸一向非常大方，也善于表達(dá)對(duì)兒女的愛(ài)與支持。我還是不了解事情會(huì)如何發(fā)展，但因?yàn)榘职终f(shuō)終究會(huì)解決，我就相信。

To a child, there is no assurance like a father's. My dad was generous with such things and good at expressing his love and support for all of us. I still didn't understand how everything would work out for me, but because my daddy told me they would, I believed they would.

和爸爸談過(guò)之后，我睡了個(gè)好覺(jué)。偶爾有些日子，我還是不太好過(guò)，但在我對(duì)未來(lái)有自己的夢(mèng)想之前，我信任父母，并長(zhǎng)久持守盼望。有些時(shí)刻，甚至是一長(zhǎng)段時(shí)間，我會(huì)有懷疑和恐懼，但幸好我人生的最低點(diǎn)也就是那一次了。即使現(xiàn)在，我還是跟其他人一樣會(huì)有低潮，但我再也沒(méi)想過(guò)要自殺了。

I slept soundly after our talk. I still had occasional bad days and nights. I trusted my parents and held on to hope for a long time before I actually formed any vision of how my life might unfold. There were moments and even longer periods of doubt and fear, but fortunately this was the lowest point for me. Even now I have my down times like anyone else, but I never again considered suicide.

回首當(dāng)時(shí)，并思考之后一路走來(lái)的人生，我只能感謝上帝將我從絕望中拯救出來(lái)。

When I look back on that moment and reflect on my life since, I can only thank God for rescuing me from my despair.