人生不設限·我應該是抽到下下簽了吧

在自尊與自我形象非常重要的青春期，憂慮和恐懼淹沒了我，我出差錯的地方徹底壓過了一切好事。

At that critical age of adolescence when self-esteem and self-image are so important, I let my worries and fears overtake me. Everything that was wrong with me overpowered all that was right.

我就是抽到下下簽了。我要如何過一個有工作、有太太、有小孩的正常生活?

I drew the short straw. How will I ever lead a normal life with a job, a wife, and kids?

我永遠都會是周遭人的負擔。

I will always be a burden to those around me.

直到失去盼望，我才成了一個殘障者。相信我，失去盼望的損失遠超過失去四肢。如果你經(jīng)歷過悲痛或沮喪，就會知道絕望有多糟。我從未如此憤怒、受傷和困惑。

I was never crippled until I lost hope. Believe me, the loss of hope is far worse than the loss of limbs. If you have ever experienced grief or depression, you know just how bad despair can be. More than ever I felt angry, hurt, and confused.

我禱告，問上帝他給其他人的那些東西為什么就是不能給我。我祈求手和腳，你都不理我，是因為我做錯了什么嗎?你為什么不幫我?你為什么要讓我受苦?

I prayed, asking God why He couldn't give me what He'd given everyone else. Did I do something wrong? Is that why you don't answer my prayers for arms and legs? Why won't you help me? Why do you make me suffer?

上帝或醫(yī)生都無法解釋為何我一出生就沒手沒腳，而缺乏一個解釋(就連科學的理由都沒有)讓我感覺更糟。我一直在想，如果有個理由，不管是屬靈的、醫(yī)學上的或其他的，都會讓我好過一點，說不定我就不會那么痛苦。

Neither God nor my doctors could explain to me why I'd been born without arms or legs. The lack of an explanation, even a scientific one, only made me feel worse. I kept thinking that if there was some reason, spiritual, medical, or otherwise, it might be easier to handle. The pain might not be so great.

很多時候，我心情低落到不想去學校。在那之前，自憐從來不是個問題，我一直很努力克服身體障礙，參與各種正?；顒?，像其他孩子一樣玩耍。大多數(shù)時候，我的堅定和自立讓父母、老師和同學印象深刻，然而，我是把傷痛深藏于內。

Many times I felt so low that I refused to go to school. Self-pity hadn't been a problem before. I had been constantly striving to overcome my disability, to do normal activities, to play as other kids played. Most of the time I impressed my parents, my teachers, and my classmates with my determination and self-suffi ciency. Yet I harbored hurt inside.

我被當作個屬靈的孩子扶養(yǎng)長大，總是去教會，并深信禱告和上帝醫(yī)治的大能。我對耶穌很著迷，吃飯時，想到他正與我們同桌而坐，我就微笑了起來。我向上帝祈求手和腳，有段時間，我真的期望早上一起來就發(fā)現(xiàn)自己已經(jīng)有了四肢，就算一次只有一只手或一只腳都好。當它們沒有出現(xiàn)時，我對上帝愈來愈憤怒。

I'd been raised as a spiritual kid. I'd always gone to church and believed in prayer and God's healing power. I was so into Jesus that when we had dinner, I'd smile, thinking of Him with us there at the table, sitting in our empty chair while we ate. I prayed for arms and legs. For a while I expected to wake up some morning with arms and legs. I'd settle for just getting one arm or leg at a time. When they did not appear, I grew angry with God.

那時我自以為了解上帝造我的目的，是要在一項奇跡中作為他的搭檔，這樣世人就會知道上帝是真實存在的。我會如此祈求：“上帝啊，如果你給我手和腳，我會到世界各地分享這項奇跡，會在全國的電視上告訴所有人發(fā)生在我身上的奇妙事件，然后全世界都會看見上帝的大能。”我告訴他我知道了，而且愿意堅持完成我的目標。我還記得自己這樣禱告：“上帝啊，我知道你把我造成這樣，是因為當你給我手和腳時，這個奇跡就可以向世人證明你的力量和愛。”

I thought I'd figured out God's purpose in creating me, which was to be His partner in a miracle so the world would recognize that He was real. I would pray: "God, if you gave me arms and legs, I would go around the world and share the miracle. I would go on national television and tell everyone what had happened, and the world would see the power of God." I was telling Him that I got it and was willing to follow through on my end. I remember praying, God, I know You made me this way so You could give me arms and legs and the miracle would prove to people Your power and love.

小時候我就知道上帝會用各種不同的方式跟人說話，我想，他可能會讓我“感覺到”他的回應吧，但我感受到的只有沉默，沒有別的。

As a child, I learned that God speaks to us in many ways. I felt he might answer me by placing a feeling in my heart. But there was only silence. I felt nothing.

父母跟我說：“只有上帝知道為什么你生出來會是這樣。”那我就去問上帝，但他又不告訴我。這些沒有得到滿足的請求和沒有得到答案的問題，深深地傷害了我，因為我以前一直認為自己跟上帝很親近。

My parents would tell me, "Only God knows why you were born this way." Then I'd ask God, and He wouldn't tell me. These unfulfilled appeals and unanswered questions hurt me deeply because I had felt so close to God before.

我還得面對其他挑戰(zhàn)。我們往北遷移了一千六百多公里到昆士蘭，離開了我的大家族——叔伯姨舅和26個堂、表兄弟姊妹給我的保護繭被奪走了。而搬家的壓力也加在父母身上，盡管他們保證一切都會很好，也給我滿滿的愛與支持，但我就是甩不開認為自己是他們巨大的負擔這種感覺。

I had other challenges to face. We were moving a thousand miles north, up the coast to Queensland, away from my huge family. My protective cocoon of aunts and uncles and twenty-six cousins was being stripped away. The stress of moving was wearing on my parents too. Despite their assurances and their love and support, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was a tremendous burden to them.

我仿佛戴上眼罩，看不到生命里的任何亮光。我看不出自己會對任何人有幫助，覺得自己只是個錯誤，是自然界的怪物、上帝遺忘的孩子。爸爸、媽媽努力告訴我事情不是這樣，他們?yōu)槲依首x《圣經(jīng)》、帶我去教會，但我就是沒辦法從痛苦和憤怒中走出來。

It was as though I'd put on dark blinders that prevented me from seeing any light in my life. I couldn't see how I could ever be of use to anyone. I felt I was just a mistake, a freak of nature, God's forgotten child. My dad and mum did their best to tell me otherwise. They read to me from the Bible. They took me to church. My Sunday school teachers taught that God loves us all. But I couldn't move beyond my pain and anger.

當然也有比較光明的時候。上主日學時，我跟同學一起唱著：“耶穌喜愛一切小孩，世上所有的小孩，無論紅黃黑白種，都是耶穌心愛的寶貝。耶穌喜愛世上所有的小孩。”那時，我心里覺得很高興。被支持我、愛我的人包圍著，這首贊美詩唱進了我的心坎里，讓我得到安慰。

There were brighter moments. In Sunday school I felt joy when I joined my classmates singing, " ‘Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, red and yellow black and white, they are precious in His sight, and Jesus loves the little children of the world.' " Surrounded by people who supported and loved me, I took that hymn to heart. It comforted me.

我很想相信上帝深深顧念著我，但是當我覺得疲累或身體不太舒服時，陰郁的念頭又鉆了進來。在學校操場中，我坐在輪椅上思考：如果上帝真的愛我，像愛其他小孩一樣，那他為什么不給我手和腳?為什么他要讓我跟其他的孩子那么不同?

I wanted to believe that He cared for me deeply, but then when I was tired or not feeling well, the dark thoughts would creep in. I'd sit in my wheelchair on the playground wondering: If God really loves me like all the other children, then why didn't He give me arms and legs? Why did He make me so different from His other children?

這種想法甚至在白天和很開心的場合也會入侵。我一直被絕望和“人生一定會非常艱難”這種感受所苦，而上帝似乎沒有回應我的祈禱。

Those thoughts began to intrude even during the day and in normally happy circumstances. I'd been struggling with feelings of despair and the sense that my life was always going to be difficult. God didn't seem to answer my prayers.

有一天，我正坐在流理臺上看媽媽煮飯，通常這會讓我感到安定和放松，但突然間，負面想法完全占據(jù)我的心：“我不想一直黏著媽媽，成為她的負擔。”我有一股沖動，很想把自己從流理臺上扔下去。于是我往下看，試著找出從哪個角度掉下去才可以扭斷脖子，成功地自殺。

One day I sat on the high kitchen countertop, watching my loving mum cook dinner, which I usually found reassuring and relaxing. But suddenly these negative thoughts overcame me. It struck me that I didn't want to stick around and be a burden to her. I had the urge to throw myself off the counter. I looked down.I tried to work out what angle I should use to make sure I snapped my neck and killed myself.

但是我說服自己別這么做，最主要是因為假如沒死成，我就得跟別人解釋我為何如此絕望。這么接近自戕邊緣這件事讓我感到害怕，其實我應該讓媽媽知道我曾經(jīng)有這種想法，但實在難以啟齒，我不想嚇她。

But I talked myself out of doing it, mostly because if I failed to kill myself, I'd have to explain why I was in such despair. The fact that I came so close to hurting myself that way frightened me. I should have told my mother what I'd been thinking, but I was embarrassed. I didn't want to scare her.

我還年輕，而且雖然身邊圍繞著愛我的人，但我并沒有去找他們，并說出自己最深沉的想法。我擁有資源，卻沒有善加利用，這真是個錯誤。

I was young, and even though I was surrounded by people who loved me, I didn't reach out and tell them the depth of my feelings. I had resources but didn't use them, and that was a mistake.

如果你覺得被陰暗的情緒壓倒了，不必只靠自己的力量處理，那些愛你的人真的想幫你，他們不會覺得有負擔。如果你沒辦法向熟人傾吐，就去找學校、工作場所和社區(qū)里的專業(yè)咨詢人員。你我都不是獨自一個人，現(xiàn)在我已經(jīng)知道了，所以我不希望你像我一樣，如此接近那個致命的錯誤。

If you feel overcome by dark moods, you don't have to handle it yourself. Those who love you won't feel burdened. They want to help you. If you feel you can't confide in them, reach out to professional counselors at school, at work, in your community. You are not alone. I was not alone. I see that now, and I don't want you to ever come as close as I did to making a fatal mistake.

但那個時候，我被絕望橫掃，認為只有結束自己的生命才能結束痛苦。

But at that time I was becoming swept up in hopelessness. I decided that to end my pain, I had to end my life.