雙語有聲 | 伍迪單口相聲：不幸福的童年

I was talking about this on TV last week. I escape always into a rich fantasy life, that comes from an unhappy childhood.

上周我就在電視里談?wù)撨^這個。我總是逃離現(xiàn)實生活而沉浸于絢麗多姿的幻界，這是由于我不幸福的童年導(dǎo)致的。

I come from a poor family. My father worked at Coney Island. He had a concession on the boardwalk, where you knock over milk bottles with baseballs, which I could never do for my entire childhood.

我來自于一個貧窮的家庭。我父親在科尼島上工作，他在博德沃克大街上經(jīng)營著一小塊游樂場，就是那種你可以在里面拿著棒球擊倒牛奶瓶的地方。可是在我整個童年中，我一次也沒有擊倒過。

There was a tidal wave at Coney Island, when I was a child, ripped up the boardwalk and did about a million dollars worth of damage, houses and everything.

有一次巨浪沖上了科尼島，那時我還是個孩子，沖毀了整條博德沃克大街，造成了約一百萬美元的損失，房屋等等的一切被沖個干凈。

The only thing left standing was those little milk bottles, y'know.

你知道，唯一屹立不倒的東西就是那些小小的奶瓶。

I was, I would say, over-disciplined which is really humiliating. I had to be home nine thirty, prom night.

可以這么說，我被管教得過于服服帖帖，這真的很丟人。我必須九點半回家，還是畢業(yè)舞會的晚上。

I made a reservation at the Copa Cabana for five o'clock.

我在“科巴卡巴納夜總會”預(yù)訂了一個五點鐘的桌子。

I took my date and we watched them set up.

我?guī)еs好的女生去那里，看他們布置場地。

I was, as a matter of fact, when I think of it, terrorized as an adolescent. I was not that young when it happened, I was...I guess about thirteen or so at the time, and was on my way to an amateur music contest.

說實話，回想起那件事我當(dāng)時真的嚇壞了，我還是個青少年，也不算很小了，我想當(dāng)時大概十三歲左右，事情發(fā)生在我去參加業(yè)余音樂比賽的路上。

And, my family is musical, you should know that, my father used to play the tuba as a young man, he tried to play the tuba, he tried to play "Flight of the Bumblebee", and blew his liver out through the horn.

我們家很喜歡音樂，你們應(yīng)該知道，我父親在他年輕的時候吹過大號，他想學(xué)吹大號，他想吹《野蜂飛舞》，差點沒把肝臟從喇叭口吹出來。

Now I'm on the subway with my clarinet Jerry jazz musician style, unwrapped and everything, and these twelve guys come running through the subway. Really hairy-knuckled types, y'know,raced through there.

我當(dāng)時正坐在地鐵里，帶著我的單簧管，學(xué)著杰瑞爵士音樂家的樣子。這時有十二個家伙在地鐵上跑了過來，真的是那種連指關(guān)節(jié)上都長毛的家伙，爭先恐后。

Apparently they just come from a settlement house, y'know' as they were dribbling a social worker as they went through the car.

顯然他們是剛從“社團之家”【1】出來，你知道，因為當(dāng)他們跑過車廂時，拿一個社會義工當(dāng)運球玩。

They stop right over me, y'know, because I was conspicuous, 'cause I had just eaten a sea-food lunch, I had forgotten to remove the lobster bib, y'know.

他們到我跟前就停住了，因為我看上去比較搶眼，因為我中飯剛吃了海鮮，忘了把圍兜摘下來。

So I looked like a farmer with a fat tie, y'know, with Neptune on it.

因此我看起來就像個鄉(xiāng)巴佬，戴著一條碩大的領(lǐng)帶，上面還畫著海神尼普頓。

They stand over me, they start cursing and smoking and tearing up seats, y'know.

他們站在我旁邊，開始罵罵咧咧，一邊抽著煙一邊撕扯坐墊。

I don't say anything, y'know, I just sit there, look down, continue reading 'Heidi'.

我一聲不響坐在那里，低著頭，繼續(xù)讀我的《海蒂》【2】。

All of a sudden the leader puts his finger under my neck, like this, and goes...

突然之間，他們的頭目把手指放到了我脖子下面，就像這樣，然后一提。

I got up. He snapped his knee up, quickly, and I refused to give him the satisfaction of doubling over.

我站起身。他彎曲膝蓋，猛地一抬，動作非常快。我拒絕朝前彎下身子，讓他看我的笑話。

But I did one of the greatest imitations of Lily Ponds, you've ever heard. I hit an M over high C.

不過我的確發(fā)出了你可能聽到過的最厲害的對莉麗·龐斯【3】的模仿。我觸到了高音C之上的M調(diào)。

Showed up an hour late for the music contest. Came in second anyhow.

音樂比賽遲到了一個小時，不過我仍然拿了個第二。

I won two weeks at Interfaith Camp, where I was sadistically beaten by boys of all races and creeds.

我贏得了參加兩周“信仰交互營”【4】的機會，在那里我被所有不同種族和不同信仰的男孩們暴打。

【1】英國和美國的社會慈善組織，舉辦社交、教育和藝術(shù)等的活動。

【2】瑞士兒童文學(xué)女作家約翰娜·施畢利的代表作，被改編成各種藝術(shù)形式而歷久不衰。

【3】莉麗·龐斯，法裔美籍花腔女高音歌唱家。

【4】為了給具有不同背景、不同信仰的青少年提供同吃、同住、同玩、共同成長的機會而舉辦的集體營。