品茗經(jīng)典-Unit 10 Eleven 11歲
Eleven 11歲
By Sandra Cisneros
What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four, and three, and two, and one. And when you wake up on your eleventh birthday you expect to feel eleven, but you don't. You open your eyes and everything's just like yesterday, only it's today. And you don't feel eleven at all. You feel like you 're still ten. And you're—underneath the year that makes you eleven.
Like some days you might say something stupid, and that's the part of you that's still ten. Or maybe some days you might need to sit on your mama's lap because you're scared, and that's the part of you that's five. And maybe one day when you're all grown up maybe you will need to cry like if you're three, and that's okay. That's what I tell Mama when she's sad and needs to cry. Maybe she's feeling three.
Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like my little wood dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one. That's how being eleven years old is.
You don't feel eleven. Not right away. It takes a few days, weeks even, sometimes even months before you say Eleven when they ask you. And you don't feel smart eleven, not until you're almost twelve. That's the way it is.
Only today I wish I didn't have only eleven years rattling inside me like pennies in a tin Band-Aid box. Today I wish I was one hundred and two instead of eleven because if I was one hundred and two I'd have known what to say when Mrs. Price put the red sweater on my desk. I would've known how to tell her it wasn't mine instead of just sitting there with that look on my face and nothing coming out of my mouth.
"Whose is this?" Mrs. Price says, and she holds the red sweater up in the air for all the class to see. "Whose? It's been sitting in the coatroom for a month."
"Not mine?" says everybody. "Not me."
"It has to belong to somebody," Mrs. Price keeps saying, but nobody can remember. It's an ugly sweater with red plastic buttons and a collar and sleeves all stretched out like you could use it for a jump rope. It's maybe a thousand years old and even if it belonged to me I wouldn't say so.
Maybe because I'm skinny, maybe she doesn't like me, that stupid Sylvia Sald抳ar says, "I think it belongs to Rachel." An ugly sweater like that, all raggedy and old, but Mrs. Price believes her. Mrs. Price takes the sweater and puts it right on my desk, but when I open my mouth nothing comes out.
"That's not, I don't, you're not...Not mine," I finally say in a little voice that was maybe me when I was four.
"Of course it's yours," Mrs. Price says. "I remember you wearing it once." Because she's older and the teacher, she's right and I'm not.
Not mine, not mine, not mine. But Mrs. Price is already turning to page thirty-two, and math problem number four. I don't know why but all of a sudden I'm feeling sick inside, like the part of me that's three wants to come out of my eyes, only I squeeze them shut tight and bite down on my teeth real hard and try to remember today I am eleven, eleven. Mama is making a cake for me for tonight, and when papa comes home everybody will sing Happy birthday, happy birthday to you.
But when the sick feeling goes away and I open my eyes, the red sweater's still sitting there like a big red mountain. I move the red sweater to the corner of my desk with my ruler. I move my pencil and books and eraser as far from it as possible. I even move my chair a little to the right. Not mine, not mine, not mine.
In my head I'm thinking how long till lunchtime, how long till I can take the red sweater and throw it over the schoolyard fence, or leave it hanging on a parting meter, or bunch it up into a little ball and toss it in the alley. Except when math period ends Mrs. Price says loud and in front of everybody, "Now, Rachel, that's enough," because she sees I've shoved the red sweater to the tippy-tip corner of my desk and it's hanging all over the edge like a waterfall, but I don't care.
"Rachel, " Mrs. Price says. She says it like she's getting mad. "You put that sweater on right now and no more nonsense."
"But it's not—"
"Now!" Mrs. Price says.
This is when I wish I wasn't eleven, because all the years inside of me—ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one— are pushing at the back of my eyes when I put one arm through one sleeve of the sweater that smells like cottage cheese, and then the other arm through the other and stand there with my arms apart like if the sweater hurts me and it does, all itchy and full of germs that aren't even mine.
That's when everything I've been holding in since this morning, since when Mrs. Price put the sweater on my desk, finally lets go, and all of a sudden I'm crying in front of everybody. I wish I was invisible but I'm not. I'm eleven and it's my birthday today and I'm crying like I'm three in front of everybody. I put my head down on the desk and bury my face in my stupid clown-sweater arms. My face all hot and spit coming out of my mouth because I can't stop the little animal noises from coming out of me, until there aren't any more tears left in my eyes, and it's just my body shaking like when you have the hiccups, and my whole head hurts like when you drink milk too fast.
But the worst part is right before the bell rings for lunch. That stupid Phyllis Lopez, who is even dumber than Sylvia Saldivar, says she remembers the red sweater is hers! I take it off right away and give it to her, only Mrs. Price pretends like everything's okay.
Today I'm eleven. There's a cake Mama's making for tonight, and when Papa comes home from work we'll eat it. There'll be candles and presents and everybody will sing Happy birthday, happy birthday to you, Rachel, only it's too late.
I'm eleven today, I'm eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one, but I wish I was one hundred and two. I wish I was anything but eleven, because I want today to be far away already, far away like a runway balloon, like a tiny o in the sky, so tiny-tiny you have to close your eyes to see
大人們不明白而且也不會(huì)告訴你的是，當(dāng)你到了11歲生日時(shí)，你也同時(shí)是10歲，9歲，8歲，7歲，6歲，5歲，4歲，3歲，2歲，1歲。你11歲生日那天醒來(lái)，期望能感到自己已11歲了，但沒有。你睜開雙眼，一切宛如昨日，只是已到了今天，你根本感覺不到你已經(jīng)11歲了，相反還覺得自己是10歲——確實(shí)也是，還沒過完11歲這一年呢。
比如有些時(shí)候你可能會(huì)說(shuō)些傻話，那是還只有10歲的你?；蛘呤裁磿r(shí)候你嚇壞了，得到媽媽腿上坐著，那是5歲的你。也許哪一天你已經(jīng)長(zhǎng)大了，卻想要像3歲時(shí)那樣地哭，這沒什么，當(dāng)媽媽覺得悲傷想哭時(shí)我就是這樣對(duì)她說(shuō)的，也許那時(shí)她感覺自己像個(gè)3歲小孩。
因?yàn)槟汩L(zhǎng)大的過程就像一個(gè)洋蔥，像樹干上的年輪或者像我那個(gè)一個(gè)套一個(gè)的小木偶玩具一樣，一年套著一年，那就是你11歲的樣子。
你感覺不到自己已11歲，至少不是馬上就會(huì)感到。你得花上幾天、幾周，有時(shí)甚至幾個(gè)月才能在別人問你多大時(shí)回答說(shuō)已經(jīng)11歲了。你只有在快到12歲時(shí)，才會(huì)感覺到11歲的可愛，就是這樣。
只是今天我真的不希望我只有11歲，就像11枚硬幣在一個(gè)錫制邦迪罐里亂蹦一樣。今天我希望自己不是11歲而是102歲，因?yàn)橐?02歲，那普賴斯夫人把那件紅毛衣放到我桌上時(shí)我就會(huì)知道該說(shuō)什么了。那樣我就會(huì)知道該怎樣告訴她毛衣不是我的，而不是坐在那兒，一臉驚愕，卻什么也說(shuō)不出來(lái)。
“這是誰(shuí)的？”普賴斯夫人問道，在全班面前舉著紅毛衣。“誰(shuí)的？它扔在衣帽間里整整一個(gè)月了。”
“不是我的，”所有的人都說(shuō)。“不是我。”
“肯定是誰(shuí)的吧。”普賴斯夫人接著說(shuō)，但誰(shuí)也想不起來(lái)。這是一件丑丑的毛衣，釘著紅色塑料紐扣，領(lǐng)口和袖子松松垮垮地耷著，都可以拿它來(lái)跳繩。也許它已經(jīng)有1000年歷史了，就算真是我的，我也不會(huì)承認(rèn)。
也許因?yàn)槲姨萘?，也許因?yàn)樗幌矚g我，呆頭呆腦的塞爾維亞·薩爾蒂娃說(shuō)：“我覺得是萊琪的。”這么丑的一件毛衣，那么破那么舊，但是普賴斯夫人相信了她的話，她拿著這件毛衣徑直放到了我桌上，我張了張嘴但什么也說(shuō)不出來(lái)。
“那不是，我沒有，你不是……不是我的。”我最后小聲地用也許是4歲時(shí)的聲音說(shuō)道。
“就是你的，”普賴斯夫人說(shuō)，“我記得你還穿過一次。”因?yàn)樗情L(zhǎng)輩又是老師，所以她是對(duì)的，錯(cuò)的是我。
不是我的，不是我的，不是我的，但是普賴斯夫人已經(jīng)把書翻到了32頁(yè)的第4道數(shù)學(xué)題。不知為什么，我心里突然覺得很難受，3歲的那個(gè)我要哭出來(lái)了，但我強(qiáng)忍住眼淚，咬緊牙關(guān)，努力提醒自己今天11歲，11歲，今晚媽媽會(huì)給我做一個(gè)蛋糕。爸爸回家時(shí)，每人都會(huì)對(duì)我唱“祝你生日快樂，祝你生日快樂！”
但當(dāng)難受暫隱時(shí)，我睜開雙眼，那紅色毛衣還在那兒，像座紅色大山，我用尺把紅毛衣推向書桌的一角，把鉛筆、書和橡皮移得離它遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)的，我甚至把椅子也向右移了一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)。不是我的，不是我的，不是我的。
我正想著還有多久到中午，還有多久我可以把它扔出校園柵欄或者把它掛在一個(gè)停車計(jì)費(fèi)器上，或者把它卷成一個(gè)小球扔進(jìn)胡同。這時(shí)數(shù)學(xué)課結(jié)束了，普萊斯老師在全班同學(xué)面前大聲說(shuō)：“喂，萊琪，夠了吧。”因?yàn)樗匆娢野鸭t色毛衣推到了書桌的尖角，它掛在那兒像個(gè)瀑布，但我不在乎。“萊琪！”普萊斯老師說(shuō)，她似乎發(fā)火了，“別再?gòu)U話，你馬上把那毛衣穿上！”
“但它不是——”
“馬上穿好！”普萊斯老師說(shuō)。
這時(shí)我真不希望是11歲，因?yàn)樗械哪隁q——10，9，8，7，6，5，4，3，2，1都在爭(zhēng)相想從我眼中流出。我兩手套著散發(fā)著鄉(xiāng)村干酪氣味的毛衣袖子，兩臂張開，站在那兒，就好像它傷著了我，確實(shí)已經(jīng)傷著了我，癢極了，滿是細(xì)菌，而這壓根不是我的。
今天早上當(dāng)普萊斯老師把毛衣放在我桌上時(shí)，我什么都一直忍著，現(xiàn)在終于再也忍不住了，一下子我在全班面前大哭起來(lái)，我希望我能夠消失，但這不可能。我11歲了，今天是我生日，而我卻像3歲的小孩一樣在大家面前大哭，我一屁股坐了下來(lái)，把頭埋在傻傻的小丑般的兩只毛衣袖子下。臉發(fā)燙，口水也流了出來(lái)。我實(shí)在忍不住抽搭，我一直哭到了眼淚流干。不停地抽泣就像打嗝一樣，頭疼極了就像牛奶喝得太快時(shí)的感覺一樣。
但是在午餐鈴就要響起來(lái)的時(shí)候，最糟糕的事情發(fā)生了。 那個(gè)比塞爾維亞·薩爾蒂娃還蠢的菲莉絲·絡(luò)帕茲說(shuō)她想起來(lái)了，那件毛衣是她的。我馬上脫下來(lái)丟給她，普萊斯老師裝著什么也沒看見。
今天我11歲了，這時(shí)媽媽正在為我做今晚的蛋糕，爸爸下班回來(lái)時(shí)，我們都會(huì)享受它的美味，會(huì)有生日蠟燭和好多禮物，每人都會(huì)唱“萊琪，祝你生日快樂，祝你生日快樂。”只是這一切都太遲了。
今天我11歲了，我11歲了，10歲，9歲，8歲，7歲，6歲，5歲，4歲，3歲，2歲，甚至1歲。但我希望我是102歲，我希望我什么年齡都行，只要不是11歲，因?yàn)槲蚁Ｍ裉炜禳c(diǎn)結(jié)束，像一個(gè)脫手的氣球飛向遠(yuǎn)方，像空中的一個(gè)小圓圈，越來(lái)越小，以至于你只有閉上眼睛才能看見它。
