《渺小一生》:你居然敢說(shuō)我瘋了

　 But “Yes,” Andy says. “I’ll do what I can, and then you need to go to the hospital. Lie back.” He does, and lets Andy irrigate the wound and clean and dress it, lets Andy apologize to him when he cries out.

“可以，”安迪說(shuō)，“我會(huì)盡量，不過(guò)你得去住院。躺下來(lái)?！彼上拢尠驳蠋退麤_洗傷口、清潔并包扎。他疼得大叫，安迪跟他道歉。

　 He is there for an hour, and when he is finally able to sit—Andy has given him a shot to numb the area—the two of them are silent.

他在那里待了一個(gè)小時(shí)，等他終于有辦法坐起身來(lái)（安迪給他打了局部麻醉針），兩個(gè)人都沒(méi)說(shuō)話。

　 “Are you going to tell me how you got a third-degree burn in such a perfect circle?” Andy asks him at last, and he ignores Andy’s chilly sarcasm, and instead recites to him his prepared story: the plantains, the grease fire.

“你打算告訴我，你是怎么燒出一個(gè)這么圓的三度燒傷的嗎？”最后安迪問(wèn)他，他沒(méi)理會(huì)安迪冰冷的嘲諷，只是背出他準(zhǔn)備好的故事：炸芭蕉，爐油引起了小火災(zāi)。

　 Then there is another silence, this one different in a way he cannot explain but does not like. And then Andy says, very quietly, “You’re lying, Jude.”

安迪又沉默了一會(huì)兒。這回的沉默不一樣，他無(wú)法解釋，但是不喜歡。然后安迪很輕地說(shuō)：“裘德，你在撒謊?！?

　 “What do you mean?” he asks, his throat suddenly dry despite the orange juice he has been drinking.

“你什么意思？”他問(wèn)，忽然覺(jué)得喉嚨發(fā)干，盡管剛剛一直在喝柳橙汁。

　 “You’re lying,” Andy repeats, still in that same quiet voice, and he slides off the examining table, the bottle of juice slipping from his grasp and shattering on the floor, and moves for the door.

“你在撒謊?！卑驳嫌终f(shuō)了一次，聲音一樣輕。于是他滑下診療臺(tái)，果汁瓶從他手里滑落，掉在地板上，摔碎了。他朝門走去。

　 “Stop,” Andy says, and he is cold, and furious. “Jude, you fucking tell me now. What did you do?”

“站住?！卑驳险f(shuō)，冷酷且怒不可遏，“裘德，你他媽的現(xiàn)在就告訴我。你做了什么？”

　 “I told you,” he says, “I told you.”

“我告訴你了，”他說(shuō)，“我告訴你了。”

　 “No,” Andy says. “You tell me what you did, Jude. You say the words. Say them. I want to hear you say them.”

“不，”安迪說(shuō)，“你告訴我你做了什么，裘德。把那些話說(shuō)出來(lái)。說(shuō)啊。我想聽(tīng)你說(shuō)出來(lái)。”

　 “I told you,” he shouts, and he feels so terrible, his brain thumping against his skull, his feet thrust full of smoldering iron ingots, his arm with its simmering cauldron burned into it. “Let me go, Andy. Let me go.”

“我告訴你了?！彼蠛穑杏X(jué)很糟糕，腦子抵著腦殼怦怦跳，雙腿周圍像塞滿了冒煙的鐵塊，手臂有如貼著沸騰的大鍋燒炙。“讓我走，安迪。讓我走?！?

　 “No,” Andy says, and he too is shouting. “Jude, you—you—” He stops, and he stops as well, and they both wait to hear what Andy will say. “You’re sick, Jude,” he says, in a low, frantic voice. “You’re crazy. This is crazy behavior. This is behavior that could and should get you locked away for years. You’re sick, you’re sick and you’re crazy and you need help.”

“不，”安迪也吼了起來(lái)，“裘德，你……你……”安迪停下，于是他也停下，兩人都等著聽(tīng)安迪接下來(lái)會(huì)說(shuō)什么?！澳阌胁?，裘德，”他說(shuō)，用一種低沉、狂亂的聲音說(shuō)，“你瘋了。這是瘋狂的行為。這種行為可以、也應(yīng)該讓你去精神病院住個(gè)幾年。你有病，你有病，而且你瘋了，你需要專業(yè)治療?！?

　 “Don’t you dare call me crazy,” he yells, “don’t you dare. I’m not, I’m not.”

“你居然敢說(shuō)我瘋了，”他大喊，“你居然敢！我沒(méi)瘋，我才沒(méi)有?！?

　 But Andy ignores him. “Willem gets back on Friday, right?” he asks, although he knows the answer already. “You have one week from tonight to tell him, Jude. One week. And after that, I’m telling him myself.”

但安迪不理他?！巴瞧谖逡貋?lái)，對(duì)吧？”他問(wèn)，他明明知道答案，“從今天晚上開(kāi)始，你有一星期的時(shí)間告訴他，裘德。一星期。之后，我會(huì)自己告訴他?！?

　 “You can’t legally do that, Andy,” he shouts, and everything spins before him. “I’ll sue you for so much that you won’t even—”

“安迪，你這樣做是犯法的，”他大喊，覺(jué)得眼前一切都在旋轉(zhuǎn)，“我會(huì)告你，讓你賠錢賠到你根本……”

　 “Better check your recent case law, counselor,” Andy hisses back at him. “Rodriguez versus Mehta. Two years ago. If a patient who’s been involuntarily committed attempts serious self-injury again, the patient’s doctor has the right—no, the obligation—to inform the patient’s partner or next of kin, whether that patient has fucking given consent or not.”

“你最好去查一下最近的判例，大律師。”安迪也氣呼呼地反擊，“兩年前，‘羅德里格斯控告梅塔案’。如果病患因?yàn)槠髨D嚴(yán)重自殘?jiān)俣缺粡?qiáng)制住院，病患的醫(yī)生有權(quán)利——不，有義務(wù)——通知病患的伴侶或近親，他媽的不管病人同意與否?！?

　 He is struck silent then, reeling from pain and fear and the shock of what Andy has just told him. The two of them are still standing in the examining room, that room he has visited so many, so many times, but he can feel his legs pleating beneath him, can feel the misery overtake him, can feel his anger ebb. “Andy,” he says, and he can hear the beg in his voice, “please don’t tell him. Please don’t. If you tell him, he’ll leave me.” As he says it, he knows it is true. He doesn’t know why Willem will leave him—whether it will be because of what he has done or because he has lied about it—but he knows he is correct. Willem will leave him, even though he has done what he has done so he can keep having sex, because if he stops having sex, he knows Willem will leave him anyway.

他頓時(shí)啞口無(wú)言，覺(jué)得天旋地轉(zhuǎn)，因?yàn)樘弁春秃ε?，也因?yàn)榘驳蟿倓偰欠捲斐傻恼痼@。他們兩個(gè)還站在檢查室里，這個(gè)房間他來(lái)過(guò)那么多次，太多次了，但他可以感覺(jué)到自己雙腿發(fā)軟，悲慘降臨，同時(shí)自己的怒氣消退。“安迪，”他說(shuō)，聽(tīng)得出自己聲音中的乞求，“拜托不要告訴他。拜托不要。如果你告訴他，他會(huì)離開(kāi)我的?！彼f(shuō)的時(shí)候，很確定這是真的。他不清楚威廉為什么會(huì)離開(kāi)他（不管是因?yàn)樗龅氖拢€是因?yàn)樗鲋e），但他知道自己的判斷不會(huì)有錯(cuò)。威廉會(huì)離開(kāi)他。盡管他做這些事，是為了讓自己有辦法繼續(xù)做愛(ài)；要是他不肯做愛(ài)，他知道威廉無(wú)論如何都會(huì)離開(kāi)他。

　 “Not this time, Jude,” says Andy, and although he isn’t yelling any longer, his voice is grim and determined. “I’m not covering for you this time. You have one week.”

“這回不行，裘德，”安迪說(shuō)，沒(méi)再吼了，但聲音嚴(yán)厲而堅(jiān)定，“這回我不會(huì)幫你隱瞞了。給你一個(gè)星期?！?

　 “It’s not his business, though,” he says, desperately. “It’s my own.”

“可是這不關(guān)他的事。”他絕望地說(shuō)，“這是我的事啊?！?

　 “That’s the thing, though, Jude,” Andy says. “It is his business. That’s what being in a goddamned relationship is—don’t you understand that yet? Don’t you get that you just can’t do what you want? Don’t you get that when you hurt yourself, you’re hurting him as well?”

“但這才是重點(diǎn)，裘德，”安迪說(shuō)，“這就是他的事。因?yàn)樗麐尩陌閭H關(guān)系就是這樣——你還不明白嗎？你還不明白你現(xiàn)在就是不能任性亂來(lái)？你還不明白當(dāng)你傷害自己的時(shí)候，你也是在傷害他？”

　 “No,” he says, shaking his head, gripping the side of the examining table with his right hand to try to remain upright. “No. I do this to myself so I won’t hurt him. I’m doing it to spare him.”

“不，”他說(shuō)，搖著頭，右手抓著診療臺(tái)邊緣，試圖站直，“不。我對(duì)自己這樣做，就不會(huì)傷害他了。我這么做是為了放過(guò)他?！?