《渺小一生》:然而，那些感覺(jué)依然持續(xù)著

　 “I don’t think you hate yourself enough for it, no,” he’d yelled back. “Why did you do that, JB? Why did you do that to him, of all people?”

“不，我覺(jué)得你恨自己還恨得不夠，”他喊，“為什么你要那樣做，杰比？你為什么要對(duì)他那樣？偏偏是他？”

　 And then, to his surprise, JB had sunk, defeated, to the curb. “Why didn’t you ever love me the way you love him, Willem?” he asked.

然后，他很驚訝，杰比竟然整個(gè)人垮了下去，坐在人行道邊緣?！巴?，為什么你從來(lái)不像愛(ài)他那樣愛(ài)我？”他問(wèn)。

　 He sighed. “Oh, JB,” he said, and sat down next to him on the chilled pavement. “You never needed me as much as he did.” It wasn’t the only reason, he knew, but it was part of it. No one else in his life needed him. People wanted him—for sex, for their projects, for his friendship, even—but only Jude needed him. Only to Jude was he essential.

他嘆了口氣?！鞍?，杰比，”他說(shuō)，然后坐在杰比旁邊寒冷的人行道上，“你從來(lái)不像他那么需要我啊。”那不是唯一的原因，他知道，但的確是其中的一部分。他的生活里沒(méi)有其他人需要他。人們都想要他——為了性愛(ài)，為了自己的新片，甚至為了他的友誼——但只有裘德需要他。只有對(duì)裘德而言，他才是不可或缺的。

　 “You know, Willem,” said JB, after a silence, “maybe he doesn’t need you as much as you think he does.”

“你知道，威廉，”杰比安靜了一會(huì)兒說(shuō)，“或許他不像你以為的那么需要你?！?

　 He had thought about this for a while. “No,” he said, finally, “I think he does.”

他想了一會(huì)兒?！安唬彼詈笳f(shuō)，“我想他就是那么需要我?！?

　 Now JB sighed. “Actually,” he had said, “I think you’re right.”

接下來(lái)，換杰比嘆氣了。“其實(shí)呢，”他說(shuō)，“我覺(jué)得你說(shuō)得沒(méi)錯(cuò)?！?

　 After that, things had, strangely, improved. But as much as he was—cautiously—learning to enjoy JB again, he wasn’t sure he was ready to discuss this particular topic with him. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear JB’s jokes about how he had already fucked everything with two X chromosomes and so was now moving on to the Ys, or about his abandonment of heteronormative standards, or, worst of all, about how this attraction he thought he was feeling for Jude was really something else: a misplaced guilt for the suicide attempt, or a form of patronization, or simple, misdirected boredom.

很奇怪，之后狀況就改善了。盡管他（小心翼翼地）努力學(xué)著再度享受與杰比相處，但他不確定自己準(zhǔn)備好要跟他談這個(gè)特定的話(huà)題。他不確定自己想聽(tīng)到杰比打趣說(shuō)，他已經(jīng)上過(guò)一切有兩條X染色體的，所以現(xiàn)在要換到有Y染色體的，或者開(kāi)玩笑說(shuō)他放棄了異性戀霸權(quán)的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，或是最糟糕的，說(shuō)他感覺(jué)自己被裘德吸引，其實(shí)是出于其他的原因：因?yàn)轸玫伦詺⑽此於a(chǎn)生的錯(cuò)誤內(nèi)疚，或是某種施恩的心態(tài)，或者不過(guò)是無(wú)聊而已。

　 So he did nothing and said nothing. As the months passed, he dated, casually, and he examined his feelings as he did. This is crazy, he told himself. This is not a good idea. Both were true. It would be so much easier if he didn’t have these feelings at all. And so what if he did? he argued with himself. Everyone had feelings that they knew better than to act upon because they knew that doing so would make life so much more complicated. He had whole pages of dialogue with himself, imagining the lines—his and JB’s, both spoken by him—typeset on white paper.

所以他什么也沒(méi)做，什么也沒(méi)說(shuō)。幾個(gè)月過(guò)去了，他草率地跟其他女人約會(huì)，每次都會(huì)檢視自己的感覺(jué)。這太瘋狂了，他告訴自己。這不是個(gè)好主意。這兩句話(huà)都沒(méi)錯(cuò)。如果他沒(méi)有這些感覺(jué)，那就簡(jiǎn)單得多了。但是有這些感覺(jué)又怎樣？每個(gè)人都知道，有些事情最好不要按照自己的感覺(jué)去做，否則人生會(huì)變得復(fù)雜不已。他不斷跟自己長(zhǎng)篇對(duì)話(huà)，想象出一句又一句的臺(tái)詞——他的跟杰比的，但兩者都是他自己的話(huà)。

　 But still, the feelings persisted. They went to Cambridge for Thanksgiving, the first time in two years that they’d done so. He and Jude shared his room because Julia’s brother was visiting from Oxford and had the upstairs bedroom. That night, he lay awake on the bedroom sofa, watching Jude sleep. How easy would it be, he thought, to simply climb into bed next to him and fall asleep himself? There was something about it that seemed almost preordained, and the absurdity was not in the fact of it but in his resistance to the fact of it.

然而，那些感覺(jué)依然持續(xù)著。他們到劍橋市過(guò)感恩節(jié)，這是兩年來(lái)的頭一回。晚上他和裘德同房，因?yàn)橹禧悑I的哥哥從英國(guó)牛津來(lái)訪(fǎng)，住在樓上的臥室。當(dāng)天夜里，他躺在臥室沙發(fā)上還沒(méi)睡著，看著裘德睡覺(jué)。他心想，如果能爬到那張床上，躺在他旁邊睡著，那該有多簡(jiǎn)單？他覺(jué)得整件事似乎有種命中注定的意味，而荒謬的不是這件事本身，而是他的抗拒。

　 They had taken the car to Cambridge, and Jude drove them home so he could sleep. “Willem,” Jude said as they were about to enter the city, “I want to ask you about something.” He looked at him. “Are you okay? Is something on your mind?”

他們是開(kāi)車(chē)到劍橋的，回程由裘德開(kāi)車(chē)，好讓他在車(chē)上補(bǔ)眠。“威廉，”即將進(jìn)入紐約市區(qū)時(shí)，裘德說(shuō)，“我有件事要問(wèn)你?！彼粗?，“你還好嗎？有什么心事嗎？”

　 “Sure,” he said. “I’m fine.”

“沒(méi)問(wèn)題啊，”他說(shuō)，“我很好。”

　 “You’ve seemed really—pensive, I guess,” Jude said. He was quiet. “You know, it’s been a huge gift having you live with me. And not just live with me, but—everything. I don’t know what I would have done without you. But I know it must be draining for you. And I just want you to know: if you want to move back home, I’ll be fine. I promise. I’m not going to hurt myself.” He had been staring at the road as he spoke, but now he turned to him. “I don’t know how I got so lucky,” he said.

“你最近好像蠻……憂(yōu)心忡忡吧，我想?！濒玫抡f(shuō)。他沒(méi)吭聲?！澳阒?，你跟我住真的是很大的恩情。而且不光是跟我住，而是……一切。要是沒(méi)有你，我真不知道該怎么辦。但我知道你一定累壞了。我只是希望你知道：如果你想搬回家，我不會(huì)有事的。我保證。我不會(huì)再傷害自己了?！濒玫抡f(shuō)的時(shí)候一直看著前面的路，但現(xiàn)在轉(zhuǎn)向他，“我不知道自己怎么這么幸運(yùn)?！濒玫抡f(shuō)。

　 He didn’t know what to say for a while. “Do you want me to move home?” he asked.

有好一會(huì)兒，他不知道該說(shuō)什么。“你希望我搬回家嗎？”他問(wèn)。

　 Jude was silent. “Of course not,” he said, very quietly. “But I want you to be happy, and you haven’t seemed very happy recently.”

裘德沉默了一會(huì)兒?！爱?dāng)然不希望，”他很小聲地說(shuō)，“但是我希望你快樂(lè)，而你最近好像不是很快樂(lè)?！?

　 He sighed. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’ve been distracted, you’re right. But it’s certainly not because I’m living with you. I love living with you.” He tried to think of the right, the perfect next thing to add, but he couldn’t. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

他嘆氣?！皩?duì)不起，”他說(shuō)，“你猜得沒(méi)錯(cuò)，我最近是有別的心事。但絕對(duì)不是因?yàn)槲腋阋黄鹱　Ｎ蚁矚g跟你一起住。我很愛(ài)跟你一起住?！彼O(shè)法想著接下來(lái)該講什么正確、完美的話(huà)，但是想不出來(lái)?！皩?duì)不起。”他又說(shuō)了一次。

　 “Don’t be,” Jude said. “But if you want to talk about any of it, ever, you always can.”

“不必道歉，”裘德說(shuō)，“但是如果你想談?wù)勀愕男氖拢S時(shí)都可以的。”

　 “I know,” he said. “Thanks.” They were quiet the rest of the way home.

“我知道，”他說(shuō)，“謝了?！敝髢蓚€(gè)人一路沉默到家。

　 And then it was December. His run finished. They went to India on holiday, the four of them: the first trip they’d taken as a unit in years. In February, he began filming Uncle Vanya. The set was the kind he treasured and sought but only rarely found—he had worked with everyone before, and they all liked and respected one another, and the director was shaggy and mild and gentle, and the adaptation, which had been done by a novelist Jude admired, was beautiful and simple, and the dialogue was a pleasure to get to speak.

接下來(lái)是十二月，他的舞臺(tái)劇演完了。他們四個(gè)人一起去印度度假，這是多年來(lái)的頭一回。二月時(shí)，他開(kāi)始拍《凡尼亞舅舅》。拍片現(xiàn)場(chǎng)是他很珍惜也一直在尋找、但很少碰到的組合——他跟每個(gè)人都合作過(guò)，每個(gè)人都喜歡并尊敬彼此，導(dǎo)演滿(mǎn)頭亂發(fā)，個(gè)性和善而溫柔，編劇是一位裘德很欣賞的作家，把劇本改編得完美而簡(jiǎn)單，能有機(jī)會(huì)講出那些對(duì)白讓他覺(jué)得愉快極了。

　 When Willem was young, he had been in a play called The House on Thistle Lane, which had been about a family that was packing up and leaving a house in St. Louis that had been owned by the father’s family for generations, but which they could no longer afford to maintain. But instead of a set, they had staged the play on one floor of a dilapidated brownstone in Harlem, and the audience had been allowed to wander between the rooms as long as they remained outside a roped-off area; depending on where you stood to watch, you saw the actors, and the space itself, from different perspectives. He had played the eldest, most damaged son, and had spent most of the first act mute and in the dining room, wrapping dishes in pieces of newspaper. He had developed a nervous tic for the son, who couldn’t imagine leaving his childhood house, and as the character’s parents fought in the living room, he would put down the plates and press himself into the far corner of the dining room near the kitchen and peel off the wallpaper in shreds. Although most of that act took place in the living room, there would always be a few audience members who would remain in his room, watching him, watching him scraping off the paper—a blue so dark it was almost black, and printed with pale pink cabbage roses—and rolling it between his fingers and dropping it to the floor, so that every night, one corner would become littered with little cigars of wallpaper, as if he were a mouse inexpertly building its tiny nest. It had been an exhausting play, but he had loved it: the intimacy of the audience, the unlikeliness of the stage, the small, detailed physicality of the role.

威廉年輕時(shí)曾演過(guò)一出舞臺(tái)劇《薊草巷大宅》，劇情描述一個(gè)正在打包，要搬離圣路易斯一棟大宅的家庭，這棟房子在父親家已經(jīng)傳了好幾代，但現(xiàn)在他們沒(méi)辦法繼續(xù)負(fù)擔(dān)龐大的維修費(fèi)用。這出戲不是單一布景，而是在哈林區(qū)找來(lái)的一棟荒廢的褐石公寓里上演，舞臺(tái)就設(shè)在一樓，觀(guān)眾可以在各個(gè)房間來(lái)去，只要?jiǎng)e進(jìn)入繩子圍起的區(qū)域就行；你可以從各個(gè)不同的角度觀(guān)賞，看到不同的演員和空間。他當(dāng)時(shí)飾演心理?yè)p傷最嚴(yán)重的長(zhǎng)子，第一幕的大部分時(shí)間都沉默地待在餐廳里，用報(bào)紙把盤(pán)子包起來(lái)。他為這個(gè)兒子想出一種緊張的抽搐動(dòng)作，因?yàn)檫@個(gè)角色無(wú)法想象離開(kāi)自己童年的房子，當(dāng)父母在客廳吵架時(shí)，他就放下盤(pán)子，整個(gè)人貼在餐廳的另一頭、靠近廚房的那面墻上，開(kāi)始摳壁紙。雖然大部分表演都發(fā)生在客廳，但總是有少數(shù)幾個(gè)觀(guān)眾會(huì)留在他的餐廳，看著他摳下壁紙（是深藍(lán)色的壁紙，近乎全黑，上頭印著淡藍(lán)色的百葉薔薇）在手里捻揉著，扔到地上。所以每天晚上，餐廳一角就會(huì)散落著小小的壁紙卷，好像他是只笨拙的老鼠，正在蓋自己的小巢穴。那出戲演起來(lái)很累，但是他非常喜歡：那種跟觀(guān)眾的親密，和不可思議的舞臺(tái)設(shè)定，還有他為那個(gè)角色創(chuàng)造出來(lái)的小小的、細(xì)微的肢體動(dòng)作。

　 This production felt very much like that play. The house, a Gilded Age mansion on the Hudson, was grand but creaky and shabby—the kind of house his ex-girlfriend Philippa had once imagined they’d live in when they were married and ancient—and the director used only three rooms: the dining room, the living room, and the sunporch. Instead of an audience, they had the crew, who followed them as they moved through the space. But although he relished the work, part of him also recognized that Uncle Vanya was not exactly the most helpful thing he could be doing at the moment. On set, he was Dr. Astrov, but once he was back at Greene Street, he was Sonya, and Sonya—as much as he loved the play and always had, as much as he loved and pitied poor Sonya herself—was not a role he had ever thought he might perform, under any circumstance. When he had told the others about the film, JB had said, “So it’s a gender-blind cast, then,” and he’d said, “What do you mean?” and JB had said, “Well, you’re obviously Elena, right?” and everyone had laughed, especially him. This was what he loved about JB, he had thought; he was always smarter than even he knew. “He’s far too old to play Elena,” Jude had added, affectionately, and everyone had laughed again.

這回的《凡尼亞舅舅》在感覺(jué)上就很接近那出舞臺(tái)劇。那棟房子是哈德遜河畔鍍金年代[2]的豪宅，當(dāng)年富麗堂皇，但如今已經(jīng)朽爛而破?。ň褪撬那芭逊汽惻烈欢认胂笏麄兡昀蠒r(shí)會(huì)住的那種房子），導(dǎo)演只用到三個(gè)房間：餐廳、客廳，還有陽(yáng)光房。這回沒(méi)有觀(guān)眾，取而代之的是劇組，跟著他們?cè)谀切┛臻g內(nèi)移動(dòng)。他很喜歡這部作品，但一部分的他也知道《凡尼亞舅舅》不是現(xiàn)階段對(duì)他最有幫助的作品。在拍片現(xiàn)場(chǎng)，他是阿斯特洛夫醫(yī)生，但回到格林街，他就成了桑妮婭，而桑妮婭（他以前就很喜歡這出戲，也很喜歡、很同情桑妮婭）在任何情況下，都從來(lái)不是他想過(guò)自己會(huì)飾演的角色。他跟其他人談起這部電影時(shí)，杰比說(shuō)：“所以這是一部性別盲（gender-blind）電影了?！比缓笏麊?wèn)：“什么意思？”杰比說(shuō)：“唔，你顯然是伊蓮娜嘛，對(duì)吧？”大家笑了起來(lái)，尤其是他。他當(dāng)時(shí)心想，這就是他最喜歡杰比的一點(diǎn)，杰比總是比他所知道的更聰明?！八菀辽從忍狭死?。”裘德充滿(mǎn)感情地補(bǔ)充，他們又笑了起來(lái)。