《渺小一生》:那個女孩一直在跟你放電。

　 Jude’s sex life, his sexuality, had been a subject of ongoing fascination for everyone who knew him, and certainly for Willem’s girlfriends. Occasionally, it had come up among the three of them—he and Malcolm and JB—when Jude wasn’t around: Was he having sex? Had he ever? With whom? They had all seen people looking at him at parties, or flirting with him, and in every case, Jude had remained oblivious.

裘德的性生活和性傾向對認識他的每個人來說，一直是引人好奇的話題，對威廉的女友來說更是如此。偶爾，裘德不在場時，他們三個（他、馬爾科姆、杰比）也會聊起來：他有性生活嗎？他有過性經驗嗎？跟誰？他們都看過派對上有人留意裘德或跟他調情，而每一回裘德都沒注意。

　 “That girl was all over you,” he’d say to Jude as they walked home from one party or another.

“那個女孩一直在跟你放電?！迸蓪笞呗坊丶視r，他會跟裘德說。

　 “What girl?” Jude would say.

“哪個女孩？”裘德會說。

　 They talked about it with one another because Jude had made it clear he wouldn’t discuss it with any of them: when the topic was raised, he would give them one of his stares and then change the subject with a declarativeness that was impossible to misinterpret.

他們三個談過，因為裘德早就表明不肯跟任何一個人談。每次一談起，他就會狠狠瞪他們一眼，然后刻意改變話題，讓你絕對不可能誤解他的意思。

　 “Has he ever spent the night away from home?” asked JB (this was when he and Jude were living on Lispenard Street).

“他曾經晚上沒回家過嗎？”杰比問（他和裘德還住在利斯本納街的時候）。

　 “Guys,” he’d say (the conversation made him uncomfortable), “I don’t think we should be talking about this.”

“兩位，”他會說（這番談話讓他很不自在），“我不認為我們應該討論這個。”

　 “Willem!” JB would say. “Don’t be such a pussy! You’re not betraying any confidences. Just tell us: yes or no. Has he ever?”

“威廉！”杰比會說，“別那么膽小了！你沒有泄漏什么機密。只要告訴我們：有或沒有。有過嗎？”

　 He’d sigh. “No,” he’d say.

他嘆了口氣。“沒有。”他說。

　 There would be a silence. “Maybe he’s asexual,” Malcolm would say, after a while.

然后三個人會沉默一會兒。“或許他沒有性欲?！边^一會兒馬爾科姆會說。

　 “No, that’s you, Mal.”

“不，沒性欲的是你，馬爾[1]?！?

　 “Fuck off, JB.”

“去你的，杰比。”

　 “Do you think he’s a virgin?” JB would ask.

“你覺得他是處男嗎？”杰比會問。

　 “No,” he’d say. He didn’t know why he knew this, but he was certain he wasn’t.

“不是?！彼麜f。他不知道自己為什么知道，但他很確定裘德不是處男。

　 “It’s such a waste,” JB would say, and he and Malcolm would look at each other, knowing what was coming next. “His looks’ve been wasted on him. I should’ve gotten his looks. I would’ve had a good time with them, at least.”

“太浪費了?！苯鼙葧f，他和馬爾科姆會互看對方，知道接下來杰比會說什么?！澳莻€長相在他身上太浪費了。他的長相應該給我，至少我會好好享受?！?

　 After a while, they grew to accept it as part of who Jude was; they added the subject to the list of things they knew not to discuss. Year after year passed and he dated no one, they saw him with no one. “Maybe he’s living some hot double life,” Richard once suggested, and Willem had shrugged. “Maybe,” he said. But really, although he had no proof of this, he knew that Jude wasn’t. It was in this same, proof-less way that he assumed Jude was probably gay (though maybe not), and probably hadn’t ever had a relationship (though he really hoped he was wrong about this). And as much as Jude claimed otherwise, Willem wasn’t ever convinced that he wasn’t lonely, that he didn’t, in some small dark part of himself, want to be with someone. He remembered Lionel and Sinclair’s wedding, where it had been Malcolm with Sophie and he with Robin and JB—though they hadn’t been speaking then—with Oliver, and Jude with no one. And although Jude hadn’t seemed bothered by this, Willem had looked at him across the table and had felt sad for him. He didn’t want Jude to get old alone; he wanted him to be with someone who would take care of him and be attracted to him. JB was right: it was a waste.

過了一陣子，他們就逐漸接受這是裘德的一部分，把這個話題加入不能討論的清單里。一年又一年過去，裘德從沒跟誰約會過，也從沒看到他跟誰交往。“或許他瞞著我們，過著另一種火辣的生活?！崩聿榈掠谢卣f，而威廉只是聳聳肩?！盎蛟S吧。”他說。但其實，即使沒有任何證據(jù)，他也知道裘德沒有。以同樣缺乏證據(jù)的方式，他認為裘德大概是同性戀者（或許不是），而且大概沒有談過戀愛（他真的希望這點自己猜錯了）。盡管裘德一再宣稱不是那樣，威廉卻從不相信他不孤單、從不相信他心底某個小小的黑暗角落里不想有個伴。他還記得在萊昂內爾和辛克萊的婚禮上，馬爾科姆帶著蘇菲，他帶著羅賓，杰比（雖然當時他們斷交了）帶著奧利弗，而裘德還是獨自出席。裘德似乎不受困擾，但威廉看著桌子對面的他，還是很替他難過。他不希望裘德孤獨終老，他希望裘德有個照顧他、被他吸引的伴。杰比說得沒錯，這樣真的太浪費了。

　 And so was this what this was, this attraction? Was it fear and sympathy that had morphed itself into a more palatable shape? Was he convincing himself he was attracted to Jude because he couldn’t stand to see him alone? He didn’t think so. But he didn’t know.

所以他被裘德吸引，就是伴侶之間的吸引嗎？或是擔心與同情轉化為另一種比較可以接受的形式？是他說服自己他被裘德吸引，只是因為他受不了看著裘德孤單一個人嗎？他不認為是這樣。但他也不知道。

　 The person he would’ve once discussed this with was JB, but he couldn’t speak to JB about this, even though they were friends again, or at least working toward friendship. After they had returned from Morocco, Jude had called JB and the two of them had gone out for dinner, and a month later, Willem and JB had gone out on their own. Oddly, though, he found it much more difficult to forgive JB than Jude had, and their first meeting had been a disaster—JB showily, exaggeratedly blithe; he seething—until they had left the restaurant and started yelling at each other. There they had stood on deserted Pell Street—it had been snowing, lightly, and no one else was out—accusing each other of condescension and cruelty; irrationality and self-absorption; self-righteousness and narcissism; martyrdom and cluelessness.

換作從前，他唯一會一起討論這件事的人是杰比，但現(xiàn)在他沒辦法跟杰比談了，即使他們又成為朋友，或至少努力在恢復友誼。他們從摩洛哥旅行回來后，裘德曾打電話給杰比，兩人一起出去吃晚餐，一個月后，威廉和杰比也一對一吃了晚餐。不過奇怪的是，他覺得自己比裘德更難原諒杰比，于是他們的會面變成一場災難：杰比一直炫耀、夸張地擺出歡樂的姿態(tài)，而他一直在生悶氣，直到兩個人離開餐廳，就開始罵對方。他們站在空蕩的培爾街上（當時下著小雪，沒有其他人出門），指控彼此高傲又殘忍，不理性又只顧自己，自以為是又自戀，假圣人又搞不清楚狀況。

　 “You think anyone hates themselves as much as I do?” JB had shouted at him. (His fourth show, the one that documented his time on drugs and with Jackson, had been titled “The Narcissist’s Guide to Self-Hatred,” and JB had referenced it several times during their dinner as proof that he had punished himself mightily and publicly and had now been reformed.)

“你認為有誰會像我這么恨自己嗎？”杰比吼道（他的第四次個展，記錄他嗑藥以及跟杰克森在一起的那段日子，標題就是“自戀者的自我憎恨指南”，而杰比在他們的晚餐中好幾次提到，證明他已經狠狠地公然懲罰過自己，改過自新了）。

　 “Yeah, JB, I do,” he’d shouted back at him. “I think Jude hates himself far more than you could ever hate yourself, and I think you knew that and you made him hate himself even more.”

“沒錯，杰比，我認為有，”他也吼，“我認為裘德恨自己遠遠超過你可能恨你自己的程度，而且我認為你明知道，還害他更恨自己?！?

　 “You think I don’t know that?” JB had yelled. “You think I don’t fucking hate myself for that?”

“你以為我不知道嗎？”杰比大喊，“你以為我他媽的不因此恨自己嗎？”