《渺小一生》:比方說，他知道凱萊布討厭他

　 He stays at the office for another two hours, tidying and sorting papers, attempting to batten down the constant detritus. He feels no sense of relief, or victory, after these outcomes: just a tiredness, but a simple, well-earned tiredness, as if he has completed a day’s worth of physical labor. Eleven months: interviews, research, more interviews, fact-checking, writing, rewriting—and then, in an instant, it is over, and another case will take its place.

他又在辦公室待了兩小時(shí)，把文件整理分類，設(shè)法把零碎的東西收拾好。每回一個(gè)案子的結(jié)果出來，他都沒有解脫或勝利的感覺：只有疲倦，一種單純、應(yīng)有的疲倦，好像他做完了一天該做的體力勞動(dòng)。十一個(gè)月的工作，包括訪談、調(diào)查、更多訪談、事實(shí)查核、撰寫、重寫……然后，剎那間就結(jié)束了，另一個(gè)案子又要開始。

　 Finally he goes home, where he is suddenly so exhausted that he stops on the way to his bedroom to sit on the sofa, and wakes an hour later, disoriented and parched. He hasn’t seen or talked to most of his friends in the past few months—even his conversations with Willem have been briefer than usual. Part of this is attributable to Malpractice and Bastard, and the frantic preparations they had demanded; but the other part is attributable to his ongoing confusion over Caleb, about whom he has not told Willem. This weekend, though, Caleb is in Bridgehampton, and he is glad of the time alone.

最后他終于回到家。走向臥室途中，他忽然疲倦得停下來，坐在沙發(fā)上就睡著了，一個(gè)小時(shí)后醒來，他既茫然又口渴得要命。過去這幾個(gè)月，他跟大部分朋友都沒見面，也沒談話，就連跟威廉的通話都比平常簡(jiǎn)短。這一部分要怪弊端加混蛋，這個(gè)案子要準(zhǔn)備的東西太多了；但另一部分則歸因于他對(duì)凱萊布的事一直很困惑，而且還沒跟威廉提起過他。不過這個(gè)周末凱萊布都在漢普頓橋，他很高興自己能獨(dú)處幾天。

　 He still doesn’t know how he feels about Caleb, even three months later. He is not altogether certain that Caleb even likes him. Or rather: he knows he enjoys talking to him, but there are times when he catches Caleb looking at him with an expression that borders on disgust. “You’re really handsome,” Caleb once said, his voice perplexed, taking his chin between his fingers and turning his face toward him. “But—” And although he didn’t finish, he could sense what Caleb wanted to say: But something’s wrong. But you still repel me. But I don’t understand why I don’t like you, not really.

他們交往三個(gè)月了，他還是不知道自己對(duì)凱萊布有什么感覺，他甚至不太確定凱萊布是不是喜歡他?；蛘邞?yīng)該說：他知道他很喜歡跟他聊天，但有時(shí)他會(huì)不小心看到凱萊布用一種近乎厭惡的表情看他?！澳阏娴暮苡⒖?，”凱萊布有回說，口氣似乎茫然不解，手指抬起他的下巴，把他的臉轉(zhuǎn)向自己，“可是……”凱萊布沒講完，但他感覺得出凱萊布想說：可是有什么不對(duì)勁，可是你還是讓我受不了，可是我不懂為什么我沒法真正喜歡你。

　 He knows Caleb hates his walk, for example. A few weeks after they had started seeing each other, Caleb was sitting on the sofa and he had gone to get a bottle of wine, and as he was walking back, he noticed Caleb staring at him so intently that he had grown nervous. He poured the wine, and they drank, and then Caleb said, “You know, when I met you, we were sitting down, so I didn’t know you had a limp.”

比方說，他知道凱萊布討厭他的跛行。他們開始交往幾周后，有一天凱萊布坐在沙發(fā)上，他去拿一瓶葡萄酒。走回來時(shí)，他注意到凱萊布很專心地看著他，讓他緊張起來。他倒了酒，兩人開始喝，然后凱萊布說：“你知道，我認(rèn)識(shí)你的時(shí)候，我們都坐著，所以我不知道你走路會(huì)一跛一跛的。”

　 “That’s true,” he said, reminding himself that this was not something for which he had to apologize: he hadn’t entrapped Caleb; he hadn’t intended to deceive him. He took a breath and tried to sound light, mildly curious. “Would you not have wanted to go out with me if you’d known?”

“是啊。”他說，提醒自己不必為這種事道歉。他沒有設(shè)圈套給凱萊布，他沒有故意欺騙他。他吸了口氣，設(shè)法讓自己的語調(diào)輕松、帶著一點(diǎn)好奇：“要是當(dāng)初知道的話，你就不會(huì)想跟我交往了嗎？”

　 “I don’t know,” Caleb said, after a silence. “I don’t know.” He had wanted to vanish, then, to close his eyes and reel back time, back to before he had ever met Caleb. He would have turned down Rhodes’s invitation; he would have kept living his little life; he would have never known the difference.

“不知道，”凱萊布沉默了一會(huì)兒說，“我不知道。”他當(dāng)時(shí)很想消失，很想閉上眼睛讓時(shí)光倒流，回到遇見凱萊布之前。他會(huì)婉拒羅茲的邀約；他會(huì)繼續(xù)過著他渺小的人生；他永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)知道有什么不同。

　 But as much as Caleb hates his walk, he loathes his wheelchair. The first time Caleb had come over in daylight, he had given him a tour of the apartment. He was proud of the apartment, and every day he was grateful to be in it, and disbelieving that it was his. Malcolm had kept Willem’s suite—as they called it—where it had been, but had enlarged it and added an office at its northern edge, close to the elevator. And then there was the long open space, with a piano, and a living-room area facing south, and a table that Malcolm had designed on the northern side, the side without windows, and behind it, a bookcase that covered the entire wall until the kitchen, hung with art by his friends, and friends of friends, and other pieces that he had bought over the years. The whole eastern end of the apartment was his: you crossed from the bedroom, on the north side, through the closet and into the bathroom, which had windows that looked east and south. Although he mostly kept the shades in the apartment lowered, you could open them all at once and the space would feel like a rectangle of pure light, the veil between you and the outside world mesmerizingly thin. He often feels as if the apartment is a falsehood: it suggests that the person within it is someone open, and vital, and generous with his answers, and he of course is not that person. Lispenard Street, with its half-obscured alcoves and dark warrens and walls that had been painted over so many times that you could feel ridges and blisters where moths and bugs had been entombed in its layers, was a much more accurate reflection of who he is.

凱萊布討厭他的跛行，但更厭惡他的輪椅。凱萊布第一次白天來他家時(shí)，他帶著他參觀了一圈。他很以這間公寓為榮，每天都很慶幸自己住在里面，同時(shí)又不敢相信這里是他的。馬爾科姆把威廉的套房（他們都這樣稱呼）留在原來的位置，但把它加大了，還在靠北的角落加了一間辦公室，離電梯很近。公寓中間的長(zhǎng)形開放空間放了一架鋼琴，起居空間朝南，還有一張馬爾科姆設(shè)計(jì)的餐桌放在沒有窗子的北邊，餐桌再過去是占滿一整墻的書架，直到廚房。上頭掛著藝術(shù)作品，有他朋友的，也有朋友的朋友的，或是他這些年買的其他作品。公寓的整個(gè)東頭是他的：靠北邊是臥室，往南經(jīng)過衣物間，就來到浴室，里面有窗子，開向東邊和南邊。雖然大部分時(shí)間他都把公寓里的遮光簾拉下來，但也可以一口氣全部打開，整個(gè)空間就像純粹的光線構(gòu)成的長(zhǎng)方形，人在里面，和外面的世界只隔著一層迷離的薄紗簾。他常覺得這個(gè)公寓仿佛是個(gè)騙局：暗示住在里面的是個(gè)開放、地位重要且樂意回答所有問題的人，但他當(dāng)然不是那樣。利斯本納街的舊居，有著黯淡的凹室和昏黑的狹窄通道，墻壁因?yàn)槠徇^太多次，可以摸到蟲子在里頭產(chǎn)卵而形成的突起和破洞。那樣的地方，才更能準(zhǔn)確地反映他這個(gè)人。

　 For Caleb’s visit, he had let the place shimmer with sunlight, and he could tell Caleb was impressed. They walked slowly through it, Caleb looking at the art and asking about different pieces: where he had gotten them, who had made them, noting the ones he recognized.

為了凱萊布的來訪，他提前打開了所有遮光簾，讓整個(gè)空間充滿陽(yáng)光。他看得出凱萊布的確印象深刻。他們緩緩走過去，凱萊布仔細(xì)審視著那些藝術(shù)作品，問起他是如何得到的、創(chuàng)作的藝術(shù)家是誰，也注意到某些他看過的。

　 And then they came to the bedroom, and he was showing Caleb the piece at the far end of the room—a painting of Willem in the makeup chair he had bought from “Seconds, Minutes, Hours, Days”—when Caleb asked, “Whose wheelchair is that?”

然后他們進(jìn)入臥室，他正要介紹房間另一頭的那件作品（畫作里，威廉坐在化妝師前的椅子上，是從“秒，分，時(shí)，日”的展覽里買來的），凱萊布忽然問：“那是誰的輪椅？”

　 He looked where Caleb was looking. “Mine,” he said, after a pause.

他看向凱萊布的視線。“我的?！彼D了一下回答。

　 “But why?” Caleb had asked him, looking confused. “You can walk.”

“可是為什么？”凱萊布問他，一臉困惑，“你可以走路啊。”

　 He didn’t know what to say. “Sometimes I need it,” he said, finally. “Rarely. I don’t use it that often.”

他不知道該說什么。“有時(shí)候我需要輪椅?！弊詈笏K于說，“少數(shù)時(shí)候，我沒那么常用?！?

　 “Good,” said Caleb. “See that you don’t.”

“很好，”凱萊布說，“看起來你不需要?！?

　 He was startled. Was this an expression of concern, or was it a threat? But before he could figure out what he should feel, or what he should answer, Caleb had turned, and was heading into his closet, and he followed him, continuing his tour.

他很吃驚。這是表示關(guān)心，還是一種威脅？但他還沒搞清楚自己該有什么感覺，或者該怎么回答，凱萊布已經(jīng)轉(zhuǎn)身進(jìn)入他的衣物間，他跟在后面，繼續(xù)為他介紹。

　 A month after that, he had met Caleb late one night outside his office in the far western borderland of the Meatpacking District. Caleb too worked long hours; it was early July and Rothko would present their spring line in eight weeks. He had driven to work that day, but it was a dry night, and so he got out of the car and sat in his chair under a streetlamp until Caleb came down, talking to someone else. He knew Caleb had seen him—he had raised his hand in his direction and Caleb had given him a barely perceptible nod: neither of them were demonstrative people—and watched Caleb until he finished his conversation and the other man had begun walking east.

一個(gè)月后，有天晚上很晚了，他們約在凱萊布的辦公室外碰面，就在肉品包裝區(qū)的西端。凱萊布的工時(shí)也很長(zhǎng)；這是七月初，再過八周羅思科就要推出他們的春裝秀。他那天開車去上班，但是晚上沒下雨，所以他下車后坐上輪椅，在一盞路燈下等待，直到凱萊布下來，在跟某個(gè)人講話。他知道凱萊布看到他了——他朝他舉了下手，凱萊布微微點(diǎn)了個(gè)頭：他們兩個(gè)都不喜歡公然表達(dá)感情——就這么觀察著，直到凱萊布講完話，那個(gè)人開始朝東走。

　 “Hi,” he said, as Caleb came over to him.

“嗨。”他說，看著凱萊布走向他。

　 “Why are you in your wheelchair?” Caleb demanded.

“你為什么坐輪椅？”凱萊布問道。

　 For a moment, he couldn’t speak, and when he did, he stammered. “I had to use it today,” he finally said.

一時(shí)之間，他說不出話來，等到終于開口，他囁嚅道：“我今天有需要。”

　 Caleb sighed, and rubbed at his eyes. “I thought you didn’t use it.”

凱萊布嘆氣，揉揉眼睛：“我還以為你沒在用輪椅?！?

　 “I don’t,” he said, so ashamed that he could feel himself start to sweat. “Not really. I only use it when I absolutely have to.”

“我是沒在用啊?！彼f，羞愧得都可以感覺到自己在冒汗了，“只有很偶爾，絕對(duì)需要的時(shí)候才用。”