《渺小一生》:“你的朋友怎么說？”

　 “Right,” he says. This has happened to him a few times before, and he always finds it unsettling. “I know exactly the one you mean; it’s from ‘Seconds, Minutes, Hours, Days’—the third series.”

這種事他以前也碰到過幾回，總是讓他很不安?！皼]錯?！彼f，“我知道你說的是哪一幅，那是‘秒，分，時，日’——他的第三次個展。”

　 “That’s right,” says Caleb, and smiles at him. “Are you and Marion close?”

“沒錯?！眲P萊布說，朝他微笑，“你跟馬里昂很熟嗎？”

　 “Not so much anymore,” he says, and as always, it hurts him to admit it. “But we were college roommates—I’ve known him for years.”

“現(xiàn)在沒什么來往了，”他說，一如往常地心痛，“不過我們是大學室友，我認識他很久了?！?

　 “It’s a great series,” Caleb says, and they talk about JB’s other work, and Richard, whose work Caleb also knows, and Asian Henry Young; and about the paucity of decent Japanese restaurants in London; and about Caleb’s sister, who lives in Monaco with her second husband and their huge brood of children; and about Caleb’s parents, who died, after long illnesses, when he was in his thirties; and about the house in Bridgehampton that Caleb’s law school classmate is letting him use this summer while he’s in L.A. And then there is enough talk of Rosen Pritchard, and the financial mess that Rothko has been left in by the departing CEO to convince him that Caleb is looking not just for a friend but potentially for representation as well, and he starts thinking about who at the firm should be responsible for the company. He thinks: I should give this to Evelyn, who is one of the young partners the firm nearly lost the previous year to, in fact, a fashion house, where she would have been their in-house counsel. Evelyn would be good for this account—she is smart and she is interested in the industry, and it would be a good match.

“那個系列很棒?！眲P萊布說，于是他們聊了杰比的其他作品，凱萊布也看過理查德的作品，還有亞裔亨利·楊；聊到倫敦好的日本餐廳實在很少；另外又聊到凱萊布的妹妹，現(xiàn)在跟她第二任丈夫和一大窩子女住在摩納哥；聊到凱萊布的父母，生了很久的病，在他三十來歲時過世；又聊到今年夏天凱萊布法學院的老同學去了洛杉磯，把位于長島漢普頓橋的那棟房子讓給他使用。另外，他們也聊了很多羅普克律師事務所，以及羅思科前任執(zhí)行長留下來的財務爛攤子，這讓他相信凱萊布不光是想找個朋友，也在物色他們公司的法律代表，于是他開始思索事務所里誰應該負責這家公司。他想著：應該交給艾芙琳，她是比較年輕的合伙人之一，前一年差點離開，打算跳槽去一家時裝公司當法務部主管。艾芙琳會表現(xiàn)得很好，她很聰明，而且對時裝業(yè)很有興趣，非常適合這家公司。

　 He is thinking this when Caleb abruptly asks, “Are you single?” And then, laughing, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

他正在想這件事，凱萊布忽然問：“你單身嗎？”然后笑了起來，“你干嗎那樣看我？”

　 “Sorry,” he says, startled, but smiling back. “I am, yes. But—I was just having this very conversation with my friend.”

“對不起?！彼f，很吃驚，但還是露出微笑，“沒錯，我是單身。不過我才剛跟我的朋友談過這件事。”

　 “And what did your friend say?”

“你的朋友怎么說？”

　 “He said—” he begins, but then stops, embarrassed, and confused by the sudden shift of topic, of tone. “Nothing,” he says, and Caleb smiles, almost as if he has actually recounted the conversation, but doesn’t press him. He thinks then how he will make this evening into a story to tell Willem, especially this most recent exchange. You win, Willem, he’ll say to him, and if Willem tries to bring up the subject again, he decides he’ll let him, and that this time, he won’t evade his questions.

“他說……”他開口，隨即停了下來，覺得很尷尬；凱萊布忽然改變話題及口氣，讓他很困惑，“沒什么?！彼f。凱萊布微笑，沒繼續(xù)逼問他。此時，他想著要怎么把今晚的事告訴威廉，尤其是剛剛這段。他會告訴他，你贏了，威廉。如果威廉又提起這個話題，他決定就讓他提吧。這回，他不會再逃避他的提問了。

　 He pays and they walk outside, where it is raining, not heavily, but steadily enough so that there are no cabs, and the streets gleam like licorice. “I have a car waiting,” Caleb says. “Can I drop you somewhere?”

他付了賬，兩人走到外頭，發(fā)現(xiàn)正下著雨。雖然不大，但已經(jīng)下了好一陣子，所以沒有出租車，而且街道閃著微光，像是甘草繩糖。“我有輛車在等，”凱萊布說，“要不要我送你一程？”

　 “You don’t mind?”

“你不介意嗎？”

　 “Not at all.”

“一點也不?！?

　 The car takes them downtown, and by the time they’ve reached Greene Street it’s pouring, so hard that they can no longer discern shapes through the window, just colors, spangles of red and yellow lights, the city reduced to the honking of horns and the clatter of rain against the roof of the car, so loud that they can barely hear each other over the din. They stop and he’s about to get out when Caleb tells him to wait, he has an umbrella and will walk him into the building, and before he can object, Caleb is getting out and unsnapping an umbrella, and the two of them huddle beneath it and into the lobby, the door thudding shut behind him, leaving them standing in the darkened entryway.

那輛車載著他們到下城，抵達格林街時，已經(jīng)是傾盆大雨，大到看不出車窗外的任何形狀，只看得到顏色，亮片般的紅色和黃色的燈，整個城市只剩下喇叭聲和打在車頂?shù)膰W啦雨聲，吵得他們幾乎聽不到彼此講話。車子停下來，他正要下車，但凱萊布叫他等一下，說他有雨傘，要陪他走進去。他還來不及反對，凱萊布已經(jīng)下車打開雨傘，兩個人擠在雨傘下走進大樓，門在他后方轟然關上，他們站在黑暗的走廊上。

　 “This is a hell of a lobby,” Caleb says, dryly, looking up at the bare bulb. “Although it does have a sort of end-of-empire chic,” and he laughs, and Caleb smiles. “Does Rosen Pritchard know you’re living in a place like this?” he asks, and then, before he can answer, Caleb leans in and kisses him, very hard, so that his back is pressed against the door, and Caleb’s arms make a cage around him.

“這個大廳還真特別呢?！眲P萊布諷刺地說，抬頭看著那個電燈泡，“不過的確有種帝國末日的雅致?！彼笮ζ饋?，凱萊布也笑了，“羅普克知道你住在這樣的地方嗎？”凱萊布問。他還沒來得及回答，凱萊布就靠過來吻他，力道之大，讓他整個背部靠在門上，而凱萊布用雙臂圈住他。

　 In that moment, he goes blank, the world, his very self, erasing themselves. It has been a long, long time since anyone has kissed him, and he remembers the sense of helplessness he felt whenever it happened, and how Brother Luke used to tell him to just open his mouth and relax and do nothing, and now—out of habit and memory, and the inability to do anything else—that is what he does, and waits for it to be over, counting the seconds and trying to breathe through his nose.

那一刻，他腦中一片空白，整個世界，還有他自己，全部自行消失。已經(jīng)好久好久沒有人親吻他了，他想起以前被親吻時那種無助的感覺，還有盧克修士總是告訴他只要張開嘴放松就好，于是現(xiàn)在——出于習慣和記憶，并且無能為力做其他事——他就張開嘴放松，等著這個吻結束，數(shù)著一秒秒過去，設法用鼻子呼吸。

　 Finally, Caleb steps back and looks at him, and after a while, he looks back. And then Caleb does it again, this time holding his face between his hands, and he has that sensation he always had when he was a child and was being kissed, that his body was not his own, that every gesture he made was predetermined, reflex after reflex after reflex, and that he could do nothing but succumb to whatever might happen to him next.

終于，凱萊布往后退，看著他，過了一會兒，他才抬頭迎視。然后凱萊布又吻他，這回用雙手捧著他的臉，他又有了小時候每次被吻會有的那種感覺，覺得身體不是自己的，每個姿勢都是預先決定的，是一個接一個的反射動作，不管接下來發(fā)生什么，他都只能屈服。

　 Caleb stops a second time and steps back again, looking at him and raising his eyebrows the way he had at Rhodes’s dinner, waiting for him to say something.

凱萊布又停下來，再度往后退，看著他，像在羅茲家晚餐桌上那樣抬起雙眉，等著他開口說話。

　 “I thought you were looking for legal representation,” he says at last, and the words are so idiotic that he can feel his face get hot.

“我以為你是要找法律代表。”最后他終于說。這句話實在太白癡了，他覺得臉燙起來。

　 But Caleb doesn’t laugh. “No,” he says. There is another long silence, and it is Caleb who speaks next. “Aren’t you going to invite me up?” he asks.

可是凱萊布沒笑，“不是?！彼f。兩人又沉默了好一會兒，最后是凱萊布開口：“你不打算邀請我上樓嗎？”他問。

　 “I don’t know,” he says, and he wishes, suddenly, for Willem, although this is not the sort of problem that Willem has helped him with before, and in fact, probably not the sort of problem that Willem would even consider a problem at all. He knows what a stolid, careful person he is, and although that stolidity and sense of caution guarantee he will never be the most interesting, or provocative, or glittery person in any gathering, in any room, they have protected him so far, they have given him an adulthood free of sordidness and filth. But sometimes he wonders whether he has insulated himself so much that he has neglected some essential part of being human: maybe he is ready to be with someone. Maybe enough time has passed so it will be different. Maybe he is wrong, maybe Willem is right: maybe this isn’t an experience that is forbidden to him forever. Maybe he is less disgusting than he thinks. Maybe he really is capable of this. Maybe he won’t be hurt after all. Caleb seems, in that moment, to have been conjured, djinn-like, the offspring of his worst fears and greatest hopes, and dropped into his life as a test: On one side is everything he knows, the patterns of his existence as regular and banal as the steady plink of a dripping faucet, where he is alone but safe, and shielded from everything that could hurt him. On the other side are waves, tumult, rainstorms, excitement: everything he cannot control, everything potentially awful and ecstatic, everything he has lived his adult life trying to avoid, everything whose absence bleeds his life of color. Inside him, the creature hesitates, perching on its hind legs, pawing the air as if feeling for answers.

“我不知道?！彼f，突然希望威廉能幫他，雖然這不是威廉常幫他解決的那類問題。事實上，威廉大概根本不覺得這是問題。他知道自己是個多么淡漠、小心的人，盡管這種淡漠和警覺害他絕對不會成為任何聚會、任何房間里最有趣、最興奮或最受矚目的人，但到目前為止都保護了他，給他一段遠離丑惡和污穢的成年時光。但有時他不免納悶是否把自己保護過頭了，忽視了身為人類的某些基本要素?；蛟S他現(xiàn)在準備好有個伴了?；蛟S已經(jīng)隔了夠久的時間，往后會不一樣?；蛟S他錯了，或許威廉對了?；蛟S他不需要永遠禁絕這種經(jīng)驗?；蛟S他不像自己想的那么令人厭惡?；蛟S這回他真的可以?；蛟S到頭來他不會被傷害。那一刻，凱萊布似乎是魔法變出來的，像阿拉伯神話中的精靈，是他最嚴重的恐懼和最大的希望催生出來的，在這個時刻降臨到他的生活里來考驗他：一邊是他所熟知的一切，是他既有的模式，規(guī)律而平淡乏味得像是漏水的水龍頭發(fā)出的叮咚聲響，他獨自一人但很安全，把所有可能傷害他的事物擋在外面；另一邊則是波濤、騷動、暴風雨、刺激，他無法控制的一切，有可能變得非常糟糕或令他狂喜的一切，他成年生活試圖避開的一切，因為缺失而讓他的生活失去色彩的一切。在他心中，那個活物猶豫著，立起兩只前腿扒著空氣，像是要尋找答案。

　 Don’t do it, don’t fool yourself, no matter what you tell yourself, you know what you are, says one voice.

別去做，別欺騙自己了，無論你怎么告訴自己，你都知道自己是什么，一個聲音說。