《渺小一生》:他笑了：“你真這么覺得？”

　 He laughs. “You really think so?”

他笑了：“你真這么覺得？”

　 “I know so. He was really, really happy, Jude. He loves you.”

“我非常肯定。裘德，他真的非常、非常高興。他愛你?！?

　 He smiles into the dark. He wants to hear Willem say such things over and over, an endless loop of promises and avowals, but he knows such wishes are self-indulgent, and so he changes the subject, and they talk of little things, nothings, until first Willem, and then he, fall asleep.

他對著黑暗微笑。他想聽威廉一次又一次說著這樣的話，不斷地保證與確認，但他知道這樣的愿望太自我耽溺了，于是改變了話題，兩人聊起了一些瑣碎小事，直到威廉睡著，接著是他。

　 A week later, his giddiness has mellowed into something else: a contentment, a stillness. For the past week, his nights have been unbroken stretches of sleep in which he dreams not of the past but of the present: silly dreams about work, sunnily absurd dreams about his friends. It is the first complete week in the now almost two decades since he began cutting himself that he hasn’t woken in the middle of the night, since he’s felt no need for the razor. Maybe he is cured, he dares to think. Maybe this is what he needed all along, and now that it’s happened, he is better. He feels wonderful, like a different person: whole and healthy and calm. He is someone’s son, and at times the knowledge of that is so overwhelming that he imagines it is manifesting itself physically, as if it’s been written in something shining and gold across his chest.

一個星期后，他的暈眩感轉(zhuǎn)變成了一種滿足的寧靜。過去一周，他每晚都一覺到天亮，夢到的不是過去，而是現(xiàn)在：有關(guān)工作的蠢夢，關(guān)于朋友的可笑荒唐夢。自從他學會割自己，這是將近二十年來，他頭一次整整一個星期沒在半夜醒來，頭一次覺得他不需要刮胡刀片，于是他有勇氣這么想：或許他痊愈了，或許他一直需要的就是這個；現(xiàn)在發(fā)生了，他就好轉(zhuǎn)了。他覺得很棒，自己像是變了一個人：完整、健康又冷靜。他是某人的兒子，有時這件事太難以抗拒了，他想象這件事是有形的，會顯現(xiàn)出來，仿佛有金黃發(fā)亮的東西寫在他的胸膛上。

　 He is back in their apartment. Willem is with him. He has brought back with him a second statue of Saint Jude, which they keep in the kitchen, but this Saint Jude is bigger and hollow and ceramic, with a slot chiseled into the back of his head, and they feed their change through it at the end of the day; when it’s full, they decide, they’ll go buy a really good bottle of wine and drink it, and then they’ll begin again.

他回到了他們的公寓，威廉跟他在一起。他帶回來的第二尊圣裘德像放在廚房里，但這個圣裘德比較大，是中空的瓷制塑像，后腦勺有一道窄窄的開口。他們每天回家都會把零錢塞進去；他們決定，等到滿了，就要去買一瓶很好的葡萄酒來喝，然后再從頭開始存。

　 He doesn’t know this now, but in the years to come he will, again and again, test Harold’s claims of devotion, will throw himself against his promises to see how steadfast they are. He won’t even be conscious that he’s doing this. But he will do it anyway, because part of him will never believe Harold and Julia; as much as he wants to, as much as he thinks he does, he won’t, and he will always be convinced that they will eventually tire of him, that they will one day regret their involvement with him. And so he will challenge them, because when their relationship inevitably ends, he will be able to look back and know for certain that he caused it, and not only that, but the specific incident that caused it, and he will never have to wonder, or worry, about what he did wrong, or what he could have done better. But that is in the future. For now, his happiness is flawless.

此時他還不知道，接下來幾年他會一次又一次地測試哈羅德對他宣稱的種種關(guān)愛，會不惜拼上性命去考驗他的種種承諾，看這些承諾有多么堅定。他甚至不會意識到自己在這么做。反正他就是會，因為一部分的他永遠不會相信哈羅德和朱麗婭；就算他很想相信他們，而且覺得自己相信，但他就是不會，他永遠認為他們最終會厭倦他，有一天會后悔收養(yǎng)他。所以他會挑戰(zhàn)他們，因為當他們的關(guān)系無可避免地終止時，他就可以回顧過去，確定是自己造成的，不僅如此，連造成的確切事件都清楚。這樣他永遠不必好奇或擔心他做錯了什么，或是該如何做得更好。不過那是未來的事情了，眼前，他的幸福完美無瑕。

　 That first Saturday after he returns from Boston, he goes up to Felix’s house as usual, where Mr. Baker has requested he come a few minutes early. They talk, briefly, and then he goes downstairs to find Felix, who is waiting for him in the music room, plinking at the piano keys.

從波士頓回來的第一個星期六，他如常去菲利克斯家當家教，貝克先生請他提早幾分鐘來。他們短暫談了一下，然后他去音樂室，菲利克斯正在里頭等他，一邊叮咚彈著琴鍵。

　 “So, Felix,” he says, in the break they take after piano and Latin but before German and math, “your father tells me you’re going away to school next year.”

“菲利克斯，”他說，此時他們剛上完鋼琴課和拉丁語，要休息一下再學德語和數(shù)學，“你父親跟我說，你明年要離家去住校了?！?

　 “Yeah,” says Felix, looking down at his feet. “In September. Dad went there, too.”

“是啊，”菲利克斯說，低頭看著自己的雙腳，“九月。我爸以前也讀那個學校?！?

　 “I heard,” he says. “How do you feel about it?”

“我聽說了?！彼f，“你覺得怎么樣？”

　 Felix shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says, at last. “Dad says you’re going to catch me up this spring and summer.”

菲利克斯聳聳肩：“不知道?！彼聊艘粫翰耪f，“我爸說你今年春夏會幫我補課，讓我趕上進度。”

　 “I will,” he promises. “You’re going to be so ready for that school that they won’t know what hit them.” Felix’s head is still bent, but he sees the tops of his cheeks fatten a little and knows he’s smiling, just a bit.

“沒錯?！彼ＷC，“我會幫你準備得很好，嚇得他們都不明白是怎么回事。”菲利克斯還是垂著頭，但他看到他的臉頰上方微微鼓起，知道他笑了，只是微微地笑。

　 He doesn’t know what makes him say what he does next: Is it empathy, as he hopes, or is it a boast, an alluding aloud to the improbable and wondrous turns his life has taken over the past month? “You know, Felix,” he begins, “I never had friends, either, not for a very long time, not until I was much older than you.” He can sense, rather than see, Felix become alert, can feel him listening. “I wanted them, too,” he continues, going slowly now, because he wants to make sure his words come out right. “And I always wondered if I would ever find any, and how, and when.” He traces his index finger across the dark walnut tabletop, up the spine of Felix’s math textbook, down his cold glass of water. “And then I went to college, and I met people who, for whatever reason, decided to be my friends, and they taught me—everything, really. They made me, and make me, into someone better than I really am.

他不知道是什么促使他說了接下來的話：是他希望的移情作用，或者只是在炫耀、刻意地宣告他人生過去一個月來所經(jīng)歷的難以置信并且奇妙的轉(zhuǎn)折?！胺评怂?，你知道，”他說，“我以前也沒有朋友，很長一段時間都沒有，直到我比你大好幾歲的時候?！彼床坏椒评怂梗梢愿杏X到他警覺起來，而且在認真聽，“當時我也一直想交朋友，”他繼續(xù)說著，而且說得很慢，因為他想確保他正確傳達了自己的意思，“而且我一直很好奇自己會不會找到朋友，會怎么找到、什么時候找到?！彼氖持笓徇^深色的胡桃木桌面，往上劃過菲利克斯數(shù)學課本的書脊，再往下停在裝了冷水的玻璃杯上，“然后我去上大學，碰到一些人。不論出于什么原因，他們決定當我的朋友，而且他們教了我所有的事——真的，他們讓我成為更好的人，到今天還是如此。

　 “You won’t understand what I mean now, but someday you will: the only trick of friendship, I think, is to find people who are better than you are—not smarter, not cooler, but kinder, and more generous, and more forgiving—and then to appreciate them for what they can teach you, and to try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad—or good—it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But the best, as well.”

“你現(xiàn)在不會了解我的意思，但有一天你會懂的。我想友誼的唯一訣竅，就是找到比你更好的人——不是更聰明、更酷的人，而是更善良、更慷慨，也更寬容的人——然后為他們能教你的一切而感激他們。當他們建議你做一些事情，無論是壞是好，都要認真聽，同時要信任他們。這是最難的，但也是最棒的?！?

　 They’re both quiet for a long time, listening to the click of the metronome, which is faulty and sometimes starts ticking spontaneously, even after he’s stopped it. “You’re going to make friends, Felix,” he says, finally. “You will. You won’t have to work as hard at finding them as you will at keeping them, but I promise, it’ll be work worth doing. Far more worth doing than, say, Latin.” And now Felix looks up at him and smiles, and he smiles back. “Okay?” he asks him.

他們兩個人都沉默了好一會兒，聽著節(jié)拍器的滴答聲；這個節(jié)拍器有點毛病，有時關(guān)掉后，還是會隨時動起來?！胺评怂?，你會交到朋友的?！弊詈笏K于又開口，“你會的。你不必太努力去尋找，不像日后要維系那么努力。不過我跟你保證，這是值得付出的努力。比很多其他事都更值得努力，比方拉丁語?！贝藭r菲利克斯抬頭看著他，露出微笑，他也對他笑?！昂脝?？”他問他。

　 “Okay,” Felix says, still smiling.

“好?！狈评怂拐f，還在微笑。

　 “What do you want to do next, German or math?”

“那接下來你要先學什么，德語還是數(shù)學？”

　 “Math,” says Felix.

“數(shù)學?！狈评怂拐f。

　 “Good choice,” he says, and pulls Felix’s math book over to him. “Let’s pick up where we left off last time.” And Felix turns to the page and they begin.

“選得好?！彼f，然后把菲利克斯的數(shù)學課本拉過來，“看上回教到哪里，我們接著上吧?！庇谑欠评怂狗侥且豁?，他們開始上課。