《渺小一生》:“你認(rèn)為他們會(huì)收我這樣的人嗎？”

　 “Enough,” she said, “to convince me that there’s a hell and those men need to be in it.” She didn’t sound angry, but her words were, and he closed his eyes, impressed and a little scared that the things that had happened to him—to him!—could inspire such passion, such vitriol.

“夠多了，”她說(shuō)，“足以讓我相信地獄的存在。那些男人都該待在里頭?！彼目跉獠⒉粦嵟挠米趾軕嵟?。于是他閉上眼睛，很感動(dòng)，還有點(diǎn)害怕，那些曾經(jīng)發(fā)生在他身上（在他身上！）的事情竟能引起這樣的憤怒、這樣的刻薄和無(wú)情。

　 She oversaw his transfer into his new home, his final home: the Douglasses’. They had two other fosters, both girls, both young—Rosie was eight and had Down syndrome, Agnes was nine and had spina bifida. The house was a maze of ramps, unlovely but sturdy and smooth, and unlike Agnes, he could wheel himself around without asking for assistance.

她負(fù)責(zé)監(jiān)督他轉(zhuǎn)到新家去，這也是他最后一個(gè)家：道格拉斯家。他們還有另外兩個(gè)寄養(yǎng)兒童，都是女孩，年紀(jì)很小。蘿西是8歲的唐氏兒，阿格尼絲是9歲的脊柱裂患者。那棟房子里面充滿了坡道，不怎么好看，但平滑結(jié)實(shí)，而且他可以自己操縱輪椅行動(dòng)，不像阿格尼絲需要?jiǎng)e人的協(xié)助。

　 The Douglasses were evangelical Lutherans, but they didn’t make him attend church with them. “They’re good people,” Ana said. “They won’t bother you, and you’ll be safe here. You think you can manage grace at the table for a little privacy and guaranteed security?” She looked at him and smiled. He nodded. “Besides,” she continued, “you can always call me if you want to talk sin.”

道格拉斯夫婦是福音路德會(huì)教友，但他們沒(méi)逼他一起上教堂?！八麄兪呛萌??！卑材日f(shuō)，“他們不會(huì)煩你，你在這里會(huì)很安全。你覺(jué)得你可以接受飯前禱告，換來(lái)一點(diǎn)隱私和安全的保障嗎？”她看著他微笑，他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭?！昂螞r，”她繼續(xù)說(shuō)，“如果你想談罪行，隨時(shí)都可以打電話給我?！?

　 And indeed, he was in Ana’s care more than in the Douglasses’. He slept in their house, and ate there, and when he was first learning how to move on his crutches, it was Mr. Douglass who sat on a chair outside the bathroom, ready to enter if he slipped and fell getting into or out of the bathtub (he still wasn’t able to balance well enough to take a shower, even with a walker). But it was Ana who took him to most of his doctor’s appointments, and Ana who waited at one end of her backyard, a cigarette in her mouth, as he took his first slow steps toward her, and Ana who finally got him to write down what had happened with Dr. Traylor, and kept him from having to testify in court. He had said he could do it, but she had told him he wasn’t ready yet, and that they had plenty of evidence to put Dr. Traylor away for years even without his testimony, and hearing that, he was able to admit his own relief: relief at not having to say aloud words he didn’t know how to say, and mostly, relief that he wouldn’t have to see Dr. Traylor again. When he at last gave her the statement—which he’d written as plainly as possible, and had imagined while writing it that he was in fact writing about someone else, someone he had known once but had never had to talk to again—she read it through once, impassive, before nodding at him. “Good,” she said briskly, and refolded it and placed it back in its envelope. “Good job,” she added, and then, suddenly, she began to cry, almost ferociously, unable to stop herself. She was saying something to him, but she was weeping so hard he couldn’t understand her, and she had finally left, though she had called him later that night to apologize.

的確，安娜給他的照顧遠(yuǎn)超過(guò)道格拉斯夫婦。他在道格拉斯家睡覺(jué)、吃飯，他第一次學(xué)習(xí)怎么使用兩根拐杖行動(dòng)時(shí)，道格拉斯先生就坐在浴室外頭的椅子上守著，要是他進(jìn)出浴缸時(shí)滑倒，可以馬上進(jìn)去（他還是站不太穩(wěn)，即使用助行支架，還是沒(méi)辦法沖澡）。不過(guò)，是安娜帶著他去大部分的約診；是安娜等在她家后院的一角，嘴里銜著香煙，看著他第一次開(kāi)始走路，緩緩走向她；是安娜最后終于讓他寫(xiě)下有關(guān)特雷勒醫(yī)師的事，而且讓他不必上法庭作證。他說(shuō)過(guò)他可以，但她說(shuō)他還沒(méi)準(zhǔn)備好，還說(shuō)就算他不作證，他們也有很多證據(jù)可以把特雷勒醫(yī)師關(guān)上很多年。聽(tīng)到這里，他才有辦法承認(rèn)自己松了一口氣，因?yàn)榭梢圆槐卣f(shuō)出那些他不知道該怎么說(shuō)的話，更主要的是，這么一來(lái)他就不必再看到特雷勒醫(yī)師了。當(dāng)他終于把自己寫(xiě)下來(lái)的證詞交給她——他盡量寫(xiě)得平鋪直敘，想象他在寫(xiě)另外一個(gè)人，是他曾經(jīng)認(rèn)識(shí)、但永遠(yuǎn)不必再跟他說(shuō)話的人——她從頭到尾看了一次，面無(wú)表情，然后對(duì)他點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，“很好。”她干練地說(shuō)，然后把那份證詞折回去，放回信封里?！澳阕龅煤芎??！彼a(bǔ)了一句，然后忽然間哭了起來(lái)，簡(jiǎn)直是痛哭，完全停不下來(lái)。她跟他說(shuō)了一些話，但因?yàn)榭薜锰珒戳?，他根本?tīng)不懂她在說(shuō)什么。最后她終于離開(kāi)了，不過(guò)那天晚上稍晚的時(shí)候，她打電話來(lái)跟他道歉。

　 “I’m sorry, Jude,” she said. “That was really unprofessional of me. I just read what you wrote and I just—” She was silent for a period, and then took a breath. “It won’t happen again.”

“對(duì)不起，裘德。”她說(shuō)，“我那樣真是太不專業(yè)了。只是看了你寫(xiě)的，我就……”她沉默了一會(huì)兒，然后吸口氣，“這種事不會(huì)再發(fā)生了?！?

　 It was also Ana who, after the doctors determined he wouldn’t be strong enough to go to school, found him a tutor so he could finish high school, and it was she who made him discuss college. “You’re really smart, did you know that?” she asked him. “You could go anywhere, really. I talked to some of your teachers in Montana, and they think so as well. Have you thought about it? You have? Where would you want to go?” And when he told her, preparing himself for her to laugh, she instead only nodded: “I don’t see why not.”

也是安娜在醫(yī)師們判定他身體太虛弱、沒(méi)辦法上學(xué)時(shí)，幫他找了家教，讓他完成了高中學(xué)業(yè)，而且也是安娜逼著他討論上大學(xué)的事情?！澳阏娴暮苈斆鳎阒绬幔俊彼龁?wèn)他，“你想去哪所大學(xué)都可以，真的。我跟你在蒙大拿州的一些老師談過(guò)，他們也這么認(rèn)為。你有沒(méi)有想過(guò)上大學(xué)？想過(guò)嗎？你想去哪里？”等到他說(shuō)出來(lái)，以為她會(huì)大笑，沒(méi)想到她只是點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭：“我看不出有什么不可以。”

　 “But,” he began, “do you think they’d take someone like me?”

“可是，”他開(kāi)口說(shuō)，“你認(rèn)為他們會(huì)收我這樣的人嗎？”

　 Once again, she didn’t laugh. “It’s true, you haven’t had the most—traditional—of educations”—she smiled at him—“but your tests are terrific, and although you probably don’t think so, I promise you know more than most, if not all, kids your age.” She sighed. “You may have something to thank Brother Luke for after all.” She studied his face. “So I don’t see why not.”

再一次，她沒(méi)有嘲笑。“沒(méi)錯(cuò)，你沒(méi)怎么受過(guò)正規(guī)教育，”她露出微笑，“但是你的考試成績(jī)好極了，而且就算你不這么想，我保證你懂得的事情可能比這個(gè)年齡所有的小孩都要多，至少是大部分的小孩?！彼龂@了口氣，“或許盧克修士畢竟做了點(diǎn)讓你可以感謝的事情?！彼龑徱曀哪槪八晕铱床怀鲇惺裁床豢梢?。”

　 She helped him with everything: she wrote one of his recommendations, she let him use her computer to type up his essay (he didn’t write about the past year; he wrote about Montana, and how he’d learned there to forage for mustard shoots and mushrooms), she even paid for his application fee.

她幫他處理一切：她寫(xiě)了其中一封推薦信，讓他用她的電腦寫(xiě)自我介紹短文（他沒(méi)寫(xiě)過(guò)去一年的事；只寫(xiě)有關(guān)蒙大拿，還有他在那里如何學(xué)會(huì)尋找野生油菜和菇類），她甚至幫他出了申請(qǐng)費(fèi)。

　 When he was accepted—with a full scholarship, as Ana had predicted—he told her it was all because of her.

他被錄取了，而且一如安娜的預(yù)測(cè)，拿到了全額獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金。他那時(shí)跟她說(shuō)，一切都是有她幫忙的緣故。

　 “Bullshit,” she said. She was so sick by that point that she could only whisper it. “You did it yourself.” Later he would scan through the previous months and see, as if spotlit, the signs of her illness, and how, in his stupidity and self-absorption, he had missed one after the next: her weight loss, her yellowing eyes, her fatigue, all of which he had attributed to—what? “You shouldn’t smoke,” he’d said to her just two months earlier, confident enough around her now to start issuing orders; the first adult he’d done so to. “You’re right,” she’d said, and squinted her eyes at him while inhaling deeply, grinning at him when he sighed at her.

“胡說(shuō)?！彼f(shuō)。那時(shí)，她已經(jīng)病得只能發(fā)出氣音，“是你自己辦到的?！比蘸笏屑?xì)回顧前幾個(gè)月，才看出種種她生病的跡象，清楚得有如聚光燈照射，也看出他有多愚蠢，只關(guān)心自己，竟然一個(gè)接一個(gè)錯(cuò)過(guò)了：她迅速消瘦、她發(fā)黃的雙眼、她的疲倦，他原先竟然把這一切都?xì)w因于——“你不該抽煙的。”兩個(gè)月前他這么跟她說(shuō)，那時(shí)他跟她相處已經(jīng)夠放心，還會(huì)指揮她這個(gè)那個(gè)，這是他生平頭一回敢這么對(duì)待成人?！澳阏f(shuō)得對(duì)?！彼f(shuō)，瞇著眼睛看他，同時(shí)深深吸一口煙，看到他對(duì)她嘆氣，她咧嘴笑了。

　 Even then, she didn’t give up. “Jude, we should talk about it,” she’d say every few days, and when he shook his head, she’d be silent. “Tomorrow, then,” she’d say. “Do you promise me? Tomorrow we’ll talk about it.”

即使在那時(shí)，她還是沒(méi)有放棄?！棒玫?，我們應(yīng)該談?wù)勀愕倪^(guò)去了?！彼扛魩滋炀蜁?huì)說(shuō)，而當(dāng)他搖頭，她就打住?！澳蔷兔魈彀伞！彼龝?huì)說(shuō)，“你答應(yīng)我了喔，明天我們要談?wù)??！?

　 “I don’t see why I have to talk about it at all,” he muttered at her once. He knew she had read his records from Montana; he knew she knew what he was.

“我不懂為什么要談?！彼谢氐吐暩г?。他知道她看過(guò)他在蒙大拿的檔案，他知道她了解他的過(guò)去。

　 She was quiet. “One thing I’ve learned,” she said, “you have to talk about these things while they’re fresh. Or you’ll never talk about them. I’m going to teach you how to talk about them, because it’s going to get harder and harder the longer you wait, and it’s going to fester inside you, and you’re always going to think you’re to blame. You’ll be wrong, of course, but you’ll always think it.” He didn’t know how to respond to that, but the next day, when she brought it up again, he shook his head and turned away from her, even though she called after him. “Jude,” she said, once, “I’ve let you go on for too long without addressing this. This is my fault.”

她沉默了一會(huì)兒?！拔覍W(xué)到的一件事，”她說(shuō)，“就是你要趁這些事情還新鮮的時(shí)候談，否則就永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)談了。我一定要教你怎么談這些事情，因?yàn)槟阃系迷骄?，就?huì)越難開(kāi)口，那些事就會(huì)在你心底潰爛化膿，而且你總會(huì)覺(jué)得一切都該怪自己。當(dāng)然，這是不對(duì)的，但你會(huì)一直這么想?！彼恢涝撊绾位卮?，但次日當(dāng)她再度提起，他搖搖頭轉(zhuǎn)身離開(kāi)，即使她在他后頭喊。“裘德，”有次她說(shuō)，“我讓你拖太久都沒(méi)有處理這件事。這是我的錯(cuò)?！?

　 “Do it for me, Jude,” she said at another point. But he couldn’t; he couldn’t find the language to talk about it, not even to her. Besides, he didn’t want to relive those years. He wanted to forget them, to pretend they belonged to someone else.

“那就為了我吧，裘德?！庇钟幸换厮@么說(shuō)。但他沒(méi)辦法，即使是對(duì)她，他都找不出談那些事的語(yǔ)言。何況，他不想重溫那些年的經(jīng)歷。他想忘掉那一切，假裝那些都是別人的記憶。

　 By June she was so weak she couldn’t sit. Fourteen months after they’d met, she was the one in bed, and he was the one next to her. Leslie worked the day shift at the hospital, and so often, it was just the two of them in the house. “Listen,” she said. Her throat was dry from one of her medications, and she winced as she spoke. He reached for the jug of water, but she waved her hand, impatiently. “Leslie’s going to take you shopping before you leave; I made a list for her of things you’ll need.” He started to protest, but she stopped him. “Don’t argue, Jude. I don’t have the energy.”

到了六月，她虛弱得連坐起來(lái)都沒(méi)辦法。兩人認(rèn)識(shí)十四個(gè)月后，現(xiàn)在換她躺在床上，他在床邊陪伴。萊斯莉白天在醫(yī)院值班，因此屋里常常只有他們兩個(gè)人?！奥?tīng)我說(shuō)，”她說(shuō)，她的喉嚨因?yàn)榉玫哪撤N藥物而發(fā)干，講話時(shí)難受得皺起臉。他伸手去拿水壺，但她不耐煩地?fù)]揮手，“你離開(kāi)之前，萊斯莉會(huì)帶你去買(mǎi)東西，我?guī)退龑?xiě)了張單子，列出你會(huì)需要的東西?！彼_(kāi)口想反對(duì)，但她阻止了，“別跟我爭(zhēng)，裘德。我沒(méi)那個(gè)力氣?！?

　 She swallowed. He waited. “You’re going to be great at college,” she said. She shut her eyes. “The other kids are going to ask you about how you grew up, have you thought about that?”

她吞咽著，他只能等待?！澳阍诖髮W(xué)里會(huì)表現(xiàn)得很好?！彼f(shuō)，閉上眼睛，“其他小孩會(huì)問(wèn)你是怎么長(zhǎng)大的。你想過(guò)這個(gè)問(wèn)題嗎？”

　 “Sort of,” he said. It was all he thought about.

“算是想過(guò)吧?！彼f(shuō)，其實(shí)他滿腦子都在想。

　 “Mmph,” she grunted. She didn’t believe him either. “What are you going to tell them?” And then she opened her eyes and looked at him.

“嗯?！彼緡伭艘宦暎膊幌嘈潘?，“那你打算怎么說(shuō)？”她睜開(kāi)眼睛看著他。

　 “I don’t know,” he admitted.

“我不曉得。”他承認(rèn)。