貶低自己抬高別人會(huì)帶來意想不到的后果

By now we know that when we praise kids, we should focus less on natural ability or intelligence and more on effort. As in, "You worked so hard on that homework!" versus "You're so smart!" But adults have another way of complimenting kids that we should also do away with—insulting our own ability by comparing it to theirs.

如今我們都知道，表揚(yáng)孩子時(shí)，不應(yīng)執(zhí)著于他們與身俱來的能力或智力，而應(yīng)更多的關(guān)注他們的努力。例如，“這門功課你學(xué)得很用功哦!”而不是“你真聰明!”但成年人還應(yīng)避免另一種表揚(yáng)方式——貶低自己，抬高孩子。

Reddit用戶u/Luke_7寫道：

I work in a school and often hear adults say things like, "Wow, you're such a good artist! I can't draw anywhere near that well," or "You're so good at math, I could never do my times tables that fast." Using phrasing like that teaches kids (or anyone) that 1. All talent is competitive—how good you are at something is defined by how much better you are than others and 2. That their success makes others feel bad about themselves, and by extension they should feel bad about others' success.

我在學(xué)校工作，經(jīng)常聽到孩子的父母說：“哇，你真是個(gè)有天分的藝術(shù)家!我可畫不到你這么好，”或者“你的數(shù)學(xué)真好，我背乘法口訣表都沒有你快。”這種措辭會(huì)讓孩子(或任何人)覺得1.所有才能都是可比較的——對(duì)某事的擅長程度取決于你是否比他人更優(yōu)秀;2.他們的成功會(huì)讓其他人產(chǎn)生挫敗感，引申開來，別人的成功也會(huì)讓他們感到失敗。

I have probably been guilty of this because, well, I can't draw as well as my son and he does intuitively understand math in a way I never have. But their success is not a success because of someone else's failure; it's because of the effort they've put in. So instead, u/Luke_7 offers this improved script:

我可能會(huì)因?yàn)楫嫯?數(shù)學(xué)不如兒子而感到慚愧，但他們的成功并不能反映別人的失敗;他們之所以成功是因?yàn)樗麄兏冻隽伺ΑＫ?，用戶u/Luke_7建議家長這樣說：

Model positive effort-based comments, like, "Wow you're so good at art! I hope I can be that good someday if I keep practicing!" Or non-comparative positive statements, like, "Wow you're so good at art! It's so fun to use your imagination to make something new."

表揚(yáng)孩子付出努力的正面模板，例如：“哇，你畫的真好!如果我繼續(xù)練習(xí)的話，總有一天會(huì)畫得和你一樣棒!”非攀比性的正面評(píng)論，例如“哇，你畫的真好!你發(fā)揮了想象力，創(chuàng)造出的新畫作真是太有趣了。”

This goes for adults, too. I can tell you how lovely your home is without mentioning what a disaster mine happens to be at the moment. Putting ourselves down to raise up others can have the unintended consequence of making everyone feel a little worse.

這也適用于成年人。夸贊他人房子的同時(shí)無需提及自己家里一團(tuán)糟。貶低自己抬高別人會(huì)帶來意想不到的后果，最終導(dǎo)致心情變差。