雙語讀?。篊all me by ...（一）41:我只好不動聲色，不再動作

I described her naked body, which I’d seen two years before. I wanted him aroused. It didn’t matter what he desired so long as he was aroused. I described him to her too, because I wanted to see if her arousal took the same turns as mine, so that I might trace mine on hers and see which of the two was the genuine article.
“Are you trying to make me like her?”
“What would the harm be in that?”
“No harm. Except I like to go it alone, if you don’t mind.”
 
我描述兩年前看到過奇亞拉的裸體。我想挑逗他。他欲望的對象是誰不重要，只要他被挑動就好。我也對奇亞拉描述他，想看她欲望被挑起時，是否和我有同樣的轉變，好讓我根據她的反應來查探我自己的，看看誰才是真材實料。
“你想讓我喜歡她？”
“有什么不好？”
“沒什么不好。只是我想自己來，如果你不介意的話。”
 
It took me a while to understand what I was really after. Not just to get him aroused in my presence, or to make him need me, but in urging him to speak about her behind her back, I’d turn Chiara into the object of man-to-man gossip. It would allow us to warm up to one another through her, to bridge the gap between us by admitting we were drawn to the same woman.
Perhaps I just wanted him to know I liked girls.
 
我花了好一陣子才了解我真正想要的是什么，不僅要讓他在我面前起反應，或讓他需要我，而是要煽動奧利弗背著她談論她。我要把奇亞拉變成男人之間八卦的對象。通過她讓我們之間熱絡起來，借著承認我們受同一個女人吸引，來搭起彼此間的橋梁。
或許我只是想讓他知道我喜歡女生。
 
“Look, it’s very nice of you—and I appreciate it. But don’t.”
His rebuke told me he wasn’t going to play my game. It put me in my place.
No, he’s the noble sort, I thought. Not like me, insidious, sinister, and base. Which pushed my agony and shame up a few notches. Now, over and above the shame of desiring him as Chiara did, I respected and feared him and hated him for making me hate myself.
 
“聽著，你是好意，我心領了?？墒莿e這么做。”
他的指責讓我明白他不打算玩我的游戲。我只好不動聲色，不再動作。
我想，不，他是高貴的那類人。不像我，陰險、惡毒、下流。我的痛苦與羞愧因此加劇了好幾級。這么一來。除了因和奇亞拉一樣對他抱有欲望而產生的羞恥，我對他既敬又畏，并且憎恨他——因為他令我厭惡自己。