考研英語作文考場范文批改及點評(10)

From the picture we can see a young father died on the patient bed for the sake of(建議改為because of，for the sake of一般用來表示“為了”，后常接目的狀語) overwork and his wife is crying and mourning for him with extreme sadness,so it is with their child(改為so does their child).What a shocked scene and how thought provoking the phenomenon that the picture insinuates.What the picture intends to convey is the significance of the awareness of health.With the development of society,people commence to live in(改為live，live in表示“居住，住在”，后常跟地點狀語) a life of a rapid rate(改為a fast-paced life).They almost have no time to do some entertainments other than work.In(去掉)hence,they don’t have enough time to get enough rest.(語義和前一句重復(fù)，可刪除)Moreover,because of the life burden(改為burden of life),some husbands need to work hard to sustain their families.Some husbands even have more than one job and they are overwhelmed by the strains.Last but not least,some people don’t place an emphasis on their health and almost ignore it in daily lives(改為life，daily life為固定搭配).What they leave to their family members is grief.From my standpoint,it is imperative that effective measures should be taken to eliminate the phenomenon.For governments,they are supposed to make some accordingly policies to relieve the workers’ pressure.For workers,they must cultivate a good awareness of health and combine exertion and rest.

編輯點評

文章寫得還不錯!但是應(yīng)當(dāng)注意詞匯選擇的準(zhǔn)確性及句子的精簡。以后的寫作中，還是應(yīng)該加強基礎(chǔ)的語法知識，積累并模仿高分語言佳句，使自己的表達更地道更優(yōu)美。

參考分數(shù)：12分(滿分20分)