雙語|現(xiàn)代散文:巴金 再憶蕭珊

More Memories of Xiao Shan 再憶蕭珊

◎ Ba Jin ◎ 巴金

Last night I met Xiao Shan[1] again in a dream．She held me by the hand and asked，“What's up，dear？You're a wreck.”“I'm all right，”I answered consolingly．Then she wept．And I woke up with grief in my heart.

昨夜夢(mèng)見蕭珊，她拉住我的手，說：“你怎么成了這個(gè)樣子？”我安慰她：“我不要緊。”她哭起來。我心里難過，就醒了。

The lamplight was dim in my hospital ward．Every night，my son or son-in-law，who had been allowed to stay in the ward to look after me，would have my bedside lamp on until I fell asleep．The quiet of the night was disturbed probably by a noisy cement mixer at a nearby construction site．Besides，I heard the singing noise of cicadas．But how could there be cicadas in the depth of winter？Ah，it turned out to be the tingle in my own ears！

病房里有淡淡的燈光，每夜臨睡前陪伴我的兒子或者女婿總是把一盞開著的臺(tái)燈放在我的床腳。夜并不靜，附近通宵施工，似乎在攪拌混凝土。此外我還聽見知了的叫聲。在數(shù)九的冬天哪里來的蟬叫？原來是我的耳鳴。

It was then my son's turn to look after me．He was sleeping quietly on a camp-bed close to a wall．Then，after a long while，he turned over in bed.

這一夜我兒子值班，他靜靜地睡在靠墻放的帆布床上。過了好一陣子，他翻了一個(gè)身。

I lay awake，recalling Xiao Shan's weeping sound．Then the ringing in my ears became even louder…I managed to call her quietly by her original name，“Yun Zhen！”Then，when I shut my eyes，the hospital ward suddenly changed.

我醒著，我在追尋蕭珊的哭聲。耳朵倒叫得更響了。……我終于輕輕地喚出了蕭珊的名字：“蘊(yùn)珍”。我閉上眼睛，房間馬上變換了。

I was at home，in my bedroom downstairs．She was on another bed beside me，whispering her advice to me，“If you have any grievance，don't keep it from me．In no case should you swallow it alone.”…

在我們家中，樓下寢室里，她睡在我旁邊另一張床上，小聲囑咐我：“你有什么委屈，不要瞞我，千萬不能吞在肚里??！”……

I stood beside her bed in a ward at Zhongshan Hospital．She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said，“I can't find it in my heart to leave you．Without me，who is to look after you？”…

在中山醫(yī)院的病房里，我站在床前，她含淚地望著我說：“我不愿離開你。沒有我，誰來照顧你啊？！”……

In the Zhongshan Hospital mortuary，I bent down to repeatedly pat with my hand a white cloth bag assuming the human shape．I uttered silent words tearfully，“Yun Zhen，I'm here，I'm here…”

在中山醫(yī)院的太平間，擔(dān)架上一個(gè)帶人形的白布包，我彎下身子接連拍著，無聲地哭喚：“蘊(yùn)珍，我在這里，我在這里……”

I buried my face in a bed sheet．How I felt like uttering a couple of loud yells to give vent to my agony！I was just suffocating.“Where on earth can I ever find her again？”I kept asking myself．Then I was back in my Huadong Hospital，my ears tingling as usual.

我用鋪蓋蒙住臉。我真想大叫兩聲。我快要給憋死了。“我到哪里去找她？！”我連聲追問自己。于是我又回到了華東醫(yī)院的病房。耳邊仍是早已習(xí)慣的耳鳴。

It's twelve years since she left me．Ah，twelve long years with its countless days and nights！Every time when I approach my gate on returning home，I will see her in my mind's eye greeting me with a smiling face and a gentle voice．But，when I step into the courtyard，I will see nothing but some flowerless green trees of various heights．Whenever I stand looking about on the steps leading to the room，the sight of her saying goodbye to our home for the last time will invariably appear vividly before my eyes：Neatly dressed，she looked somewhat impatient and melancholy and meanwhile also seemed to feel quite hopeful about things to come．When she was at the gate，she turned her head to give a look around…It seems like the car carrying her away has just left and the gate has just shut．No，she didn't leave by the two big green iron leaves of the gate．And the doorbell at that time wasn't so musical either．Twelve years ago，there wasn't a little girl entering the gate with a satchel on her back．why shouldn't Xiao Shan's face reappear at the gate？Why shouldn't she be here to see our lovely granddaughter Little Duan Duan？

她離開我十二年了。十二年，多么長的日日夜夜！每次我回到家門口，眼前就出現(xiàn)一張笑臉，一個(gè)親切的聲音向我迎來，可是走進(jìn)院子，卻只見一些高高矮矮的沒有花的綠樹。上了臺(tái)階，我環(huán)顧四周，她最后一次離家的情景還歷歷在目：她穿得整整齊齊，有些急躁，有點(diǎn)傷感，又似乎充滿希望，走到門口還回頭張望。……仿佛車子才開走不久，大門剛剛關(guān)上。不，她不是從這兩扇綠色大鐵門出去的。以前門鈴也沒有這樣悅耳的聲音。十二年前更不會(huì)有開門進(jìn)來的挎書包的小姑娘。……為什么偏偏她的面影不能在這里再現(xiàn)？為什么不讓她看見活潑可愛的小端端？

I seem to be standing all the time on the doorstep waiting for the arriving car and someone to come back．I've been waiting for twelve long years！I can't hear even in a dream her ringing laughter．I only remember how my children came home holding the cinerary casket in their hands．It was at first placed on top of a chest of drawers by my bedside in the downstairs bedroom．Later，at the end of the Cultural Revolution，when her upstairs bedroom，which had been sealed for ten years，was finally opened，I moved upstairs together with the cinerary casket，thus having her keep me company again during the long，long nights．So far I've been unable to rid myself of the endless dreams，in which I always see the same tearful eyes and the same worried look and knitted forehead，and hear the same words of advice uttered with the deepest concern for me．As though I'd been keeping untold grievances from her，or I'd fallen into a quagmire without being able to extricate myself，or I'd been again knocked down onto the ground and that with a foot put on me into the bargain[2]…Every night，every night，I hear her calling me in a low voice from the bedside casket and sobbing away.

我仿佛還站在臺(tái)階上等待車子的駛近，等待一個(gè)人回來。這樣長的等待！十二年了！甚至在夢(mèng)里我也聽不見她那清脆的笑聲。我記得的只是孩子們捧著她的骨灰盒回家的情景。這骨灰盒起初給放在樓下我的寢室內(nèi)床前五斗櫥上。后來，“文革”收?qǐng)觯忾]了十年的樓上她的睡房啟封，我又同骨灰盒一起搬上二樓，她仍然伴著我度過無數(shù)的長夜。我擺脫不了那些做不完的夢(mèng)?？偸悄且浑p淚汪汪的眼睛！總是那一副前額皺成“川”字的愁顏！總是那無限關(guān)心的叮嚀勸告！好像我有滿腹的委屈瞞住她，好像我摔倒在泥淖中不能自拔，好像我又給打翻在地讓人踏上一腳。……每夜，每夜，我都聽見床前骨灰盒里她的小聲呼喚，她的低聲哭泣。

Why do I still have dreams like this？Why am I still in spiritual chains of all descriptions？…It's no use lamenting．I should put an end to all dreams．I should pull myself up，even for the last time．The cinerary casket is in my home．I still cherish her beloved look in my heart．She'll be with me，as ever．Having been labelled as“monster”or“demon”[3] for ten years，I nevertheless don't feel isolated at all．I'm still courageous enough to march forward towards my final objective—the grave．After I die，I'll have all my personal effects donated to the State．My ashes，mixed with hers，shall be sprinkled over the garden to fertilize trees and flowers.

怎么我今天還做這樣的夢(mèng)？怎么我現(xiàn)在還甩不掉那種種精神的枷鎖？……悲傷沒有用。我必須結(jié)束那一切夢(mèng)景。我應(yīng)當(dāng)振作起來，即使是最后的一次。骨灰盒還放在我的家中，親愛的面容還印在我的心上，她不會(huì)離開我，也從未離開我。做了十年的“牛鬼”，我并不感到孤單。我還有勇氣邁步走向我的最終目標(biāo)——死亡，我的遺物將獻(xiàn)給國家，我的骨灰將同她的骨灰攪拌在一起，灑在園中，給花樹作肥料。

…The alarm clock went off．I opened my wearied eyes wide．The alarm clock on the small bedside cabinet had been brought by myself from my home to the hospital ward．I was to get up at 6:30 according to the winter daily schedule．My son helped me put on my clothes and get out of bed，not knowing what dreams I had had on the previous night and how many times I had waked up from my dreams.

……鬧鐘響了。聽見鈴聲，我疲倦地睜大眼睛，應(yīng)當(dāng)起床了。床頭小柜上的鬧鐘是我從家里帶來的。我按照冬季的作息時(shí)間：六點(diǎn)半起身。兒子幫忙我穿好衣服，扶我下床。他不知道前一夜我做了些什么夢(mèng)，醒了多少次。

《再憶蕭珊》是當(dāng)代中國文學(xué)大師巴金寫于1984年1月的一篇散文，選自他的散文集《隨想錄病病中集》。蕭珊為巴金的愛妻，在文革時(shí)期受到迫害，身心交瘁，以致得病未能及時(shí)治療而逝世。粉碎“四人幫”后，巴金曾寫了第一篇悼念她的文章《悼念蕭珊》。蕭珊去世十二年后，巴金再度寫了悼念亡妻的文章，題名《再憶蕭珊》。全文寫得事細(xì)情深，深沉含蓄，余味不盡。