(中英)現(xiàn)代散文:夢 Dreamlike Childhood

Dreamlike Childhood

夢①

◎ Bing Xin

◎　冰　心

Whenever she looks back on the past, her childhood always seems to be a mere dream! How in those days it used to fill her heart with great pleasure to find herself the very picture of magnificent beauty when, clad in a gold-threaded naval uniform and armed with a sabre at her waist, she ambled along with a loose rein on a giant of a white horse, little knowing that she would some day be reduced to being a solitary writer wielding the pen to depict her dreams and emotions!

她回想起童年的生涯，真是如同一夢罷了！穿著黑色帶金線的軍服，佩著一柄短短的軍刀，騎在很高大的白馬②上，在海岸邊緩轡徐行的時候，心里只充滿了壯美的快感③，幾曾想到現(xiàn)在的自己，是這般的靜寂，只拿著一枝筆兒，寫她幻想中的情緒呢？

She was always dressed like a male child until she was ten. Before that, her father would often take her with him when he attended dinner parties arranged for the recreation of servicemen. Her father's friends, the moment they saw her, would praise her by saying, "What a heroic little soldier! How old are you now?" Her father would end up the small talk smilingly with, "She's my son as well as my daughter."

她男裝到了十歲，十歲以前，她父親常常帶她去參與那軍人娛樂的宴會。朋友們一見都夸獎說，“她英武的一個小軍人！今年幾歲了？”父親先一面答應著，臨走時才微笑說，“她是我的兒子，但也是我的女兒④。”

She learned how to beat the drum for soldiers marching in parade and blow the bugle for fall-in. She was familiar with the mechanism of a Mauser. She also knew how to feed a big shell into the barrel of a cannon. True, the five to six years of military training she received inadvertently by the side of her father ended up in making a sprightly little soldier of her.

她會打走隊的鼓，會吹召集的喇叭。知道毛瑟槍里的機關⑤。也會將很大的炮彈，旋進炮腔里。五六年父親身畔無意中的訓練，真將她做成很矯健的小軍人了。

And what's more, she didn't share the same likes with ordinary girls. That was nothing unusual because, being the only little girl in the neighborhood, she had no female playmates at all. Occasionally she caught glimpses of some young country girls, dressed in bright green or red and with bound feet, trudging past below the mountain. But she had no way of knowing their day-to-day life, and nor did she give much thought to what she saw. The sabre, the horse — that was what she would like to have for lifelong company. Things about young females — how trivial and boring they seemed to her! With the boundless expanse of the ocean gleaming coldly now here and now there under the radiance of the searchlight, steadfast naval officers, standing in two rows under the light and flag, would solemnly raise their glasses in unison to drink to their motherland amidst the rattle of sabres. Fancy the very scene moving her to copious tears of joy!

別的方面呢？平常女孩子所喜好的事，她卻一點都不愛。這也難怪她，她的四圍并沒有別的女伴，偶然看見山下經(jīng)過的幾個村里的小姑娘，穿著大紅大綠的衣裳，裹著很小的腳。匆匆一面里，她無從知道她們平居的生活。而且她也不把這些印象，放在心上。一把刀，一匹馬，便堪過盡一生了！女孩子的事，是何等的瑣碎煩膩呵！當探海的電燈射在浩浩無邊的大海上，發(fā)出一片一片的寒光，燈影下，旗影下，兩排兒沉豪英毅的軍官，在劍佩鏘鏘的聲里，整齊嚴肅的一同舉起杯來，祝中國萬歲的時候，這光景，是怎樣的使人涌出慷慨的快樂的眼淚呢？⑥

Soon it was about time for her to wake up from the dream! After all, life is a dream, isn't it?

她這夢也應當?shù)搅诵延X的時候了！人生就是一夢么？

After she returned to her native place at the age of ten, she began to dress like a girl and, through associating with her young female relatives, gradually learned the girlish ways of thinking and behaviour. For instance, silk thread of all colours was fancied for beautiful needlework; fragrant brilliant flowers should be put in the hair for decoration; dressing should be followed by taking a look in a mirror; when sitting among a crowd, a girl should speak in a soft and delicate tone; she should be lachrymose and normally somewhat petulant like a pampered child.

十歲回到故鄉(xiāng)去，換上了女孩子的衣服，在姊妹群中，學到了女兒情性：五色的絲線，是能做成好看的活計的；香的，美麗的花，是要插在頭上的；鏡子是妝束完時要照一照的；在眾人中間坐著，是要說些很細膩很溫柔的話的；眼淚是時常要落下來的。女孩子是總有點脾氣，帶點嬌貴的樣子的。

The new surroundings, however, were also conducive to her upbringing. But the sabre, given her by her father, was still hanging by her window. She would be struck by its cold gleam whenever she unsheathed it. Ah, the white horse, the seashore, the soldiers carrying rifles on their shoulders ... how the vague memories would bring her infinite anxiety and sadness! When her young female relatives called to her from outside the window, she would refuse to leave her room. She would instead stand inside for hours, nostalgic tears trickling down in drops.

這也是很新穎，很能造就她的環(huán)境——但她父親送給她的一把佩刀，還長日掛在窗前。拔出鞘來，寒光射眼，她每每呆住了。白馬呵，海岸呵，荷槍的軍人呵……模糊中有無窮的悵惘。姊妹們在窗外喚她，她也不出去了。站了半天，只掉下幾點無聊的眼淚。

Was she overcome with regret? Maybe, but who knows! How the military life had shaped her disposition! How rhythmical and plaintive the bugle sounded from the barracks at twilight! Were tender feelings and soft passions exclusive to young girls? Imagine on a starry night on the moonlit sea, a lone soldier on duty at the watch tower, gun in hand and head up. And all was quiet under the dark sky and the sea was sound asleep. "Home beyond the sea and sky!" At a moment like this, the poet and the soldier in her would co-exist like two spectacular strands of silk twisted together!

她后悔么？也許是，但有誰知道呢！軍人的生活，是怎樣的造就了她的性情??！黃昏時營幕里吹出來的軍號聲，不更是抑揚凄婉么？世界上軟款溫柔的境地，難道只有女孩兒可以占有么？海上的月夜，星夜，眺臺獨立倚槍翹首的時候：沉沉的天幕下，人靜了，海也濃睡了，——“海天以外的家！”這時的情懷，是詩人的還是軍人的呢？是兩縷悲壯的絲交糾之點呵！⑦

What else could she do except weep a few futile heroic tears? She had to reconcile herself to the present way of life. How nice it would be if she could have her life to live over again! But that was mere fantasy!

除了幾點無聊的英雄淚，還有什么？她安于自己的境地了！生命如果是圈兒般的循環(huán)，或者便從“將來”，又走向“過去”的道上去，但這也是無聊呵！

Now what the ten unforgettable years has left her is a strong character. She is still fond of watching soldiers march in step and hearing the solemn and stirring call of a bugle. Nay, that's not what she is so much fond as afraid of watching.

十年深刻的印象，遺留于她現(xiàn)在的生活中的，只是矯強的性質了——她依舊是喜歡看那整齊的步伐，聽那悲壯的軍號。但與其說她是喜歡看，喜歡聽，不如說她是怕看，怕聽罷。

Whether wielding a sword on a galloping horse or holding a pen in deep thought, she is the same person. Only time has made all the difference ...

橫刀躍馬，和執(zhí)筆沉思的她，原都是一個人，然而時代將這些事隔開了……

Childhood! It's an indelible dream, isn't it?

童年！只是一個深刻的夢么？

《夢》是冰心于1921年11月寫的一篇小品，初載1923年4月《小說月報》雜志。作者用第三人稱深情回憶了她童年時代隨父母居住在煙臺、直到11歲才回故鄉(xiāng)福州的美好情景。