英語(yǔ)幽默故事

　　Midway Tactics

　　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.

　　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

　　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

　　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".

　　中間戰(zhàn)術(shù)

　　三個(gè)互相爭(zhēng)生意的商店老板在一條商業(yè)街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。

　　右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書(shū)：“大減價(jià)!”“特便宜!”

　　左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價(jià)!”“大折扣!”

　　中間的商人隨后準(zhǔn)備了一個(gè)大招牌，上面只簡(jiǎn)單地寫(xiě)著：“入口處”。

　　Very Pleased to Meet You

　　During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.

　　One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.

　　Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.

　　Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."

　　"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.

　　"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."

　　"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"

　　在第二次世界大戰(zhàn)中，有許多年輕的婦女在軍營(yíng)中服役。瓊.飛利浦斯是其中之一。她在一個(gè)大軍營(yíng)中工作，當(dāng)然遇到了許多男士，包括軍官和士兵。

　　一天晚上她在舞會(huì)上遇到了軍官漢弗雷斯。他對(duì)她說(shuō)，“我明天就要出國(guó)，但如果我們能夠相互寫(xiě)信，我會(huì)很高興。”瓊同意了，于是他們幾個(gè)月里一直通著信。

　　后來(lái)，他再?zèng)]有來(lái)信。她收到了另一個(gè)軍官的信，告訴她，他受傷了，住在英格蘭的某個(gè)部隊(duì)醫(yī)院里。

　　瓊到了醫(yī)院，她對(duì)護(hù)士長(zhǎng)說(shuō)，“我來(lái)看望軍官漢弗雷斯。”

　　“這里只有親屬可以探望病人。”護(hù)士長(zhǎng)說(shuō)。

　　“噢，是的，”瓊說(shuō)，“我是他的妹妹。”

　　“很高興認(rèn)識(shí)你，”護(hù)士長(zhǎng)說(shuō)，“我是他的母親。”

　　Two Soldiers

　　Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"

　　Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.

　　Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.

　　Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"

　　Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.

　　George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.

　　"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.

　　George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"

　　軍營(yíng)里有二名士兵，一個(gè)叫喬治，一個(gè)叫比爾。喬治問(wèn)：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”

　　比爾說(shuō)：“有。”然后把信紙和信封給了喬治。

　　喬治又說(shuō)：“我還沒(méi)有筆呢。”比爾又把自己的筆給了他。喬治開(kāi)始寫(xiě)信。寫(xiě)完后把信放進(jìn)信封里，又問(wèn)：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。

　　這時(shí)比爾站起來(lái)，向門(mén)口走去。喬治問(wèn)：“你要出去嗎?”

　　比爾說(shuō)：“是的。”隨即打開(kāi)了門(mén)。

　　喬治說(shuō)：“請(qǐng)幫我把這封信投進(jìn)辦公室的信箱里，還有...”他停住了。

　　“你還要什么?”比爾問(wèn)。

　　喬治看著信封說(shuō)：“你女朋友的地址是-?”

　　Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　大五個(gè)月

　　第二次世界大戰(zhàn)開(kāi)始了，約翰想?yún)④?，可他只有十六歲，當(dāng)時(shí)規(guī)定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫(yī)給他進(jìn)行體檢時(shí)，他說(shuō)他已經(jīng)十八歲了。

　　可約翰的哥哥剛?cè)胛闆](méi)幾天，而且也是這個(gè)軍醫(yī)給他做的檢查。這位醫(yī)生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當(dāng)他看到約翰的表格時(shí)，感到非常驚奇。

　　“你多大了?”軍醫(yī)問(wèn)。

　　“十八，長(zhǎng)官。”約翰說(shuō)。

　　“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”

　　約翰臉紅了，說(shuō)：“哦，不是，長(zhǎng)官，我哥哥比我大五個(gè)月。”

　　West Point

　　My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."

　　One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."

　　父親、哥哥和我到西點(diǎn)軍校去觀看一場(chǎng)陸軍與波士頓大學(xué)之間的橄欖球賽。開(kāi)始之前，我們到處轉(zhuǎn)了轉(zhuǎn)，碰到許多穿著整齊制服的學(xué)員。幾名游客問(wèn)新兵是否愿意擺出軍姿來(lái)讓他們攝。“好讓我們的兒子知道，如果他到西點(diǎn)軍校來(lái)學(xué)習(xí)會(huì)得到什么。”

　　一對(duì)中年夫婦走近一名非常漂亮的女學(xué)員，問(wèn)她是否愿意擺個(gè)姿勢(shì)照相。他們解釋說(shuō)：“我們想讓兒子知道他沒(méi)來(lái)西點(diǎn)軍校錯(cuò)過(guò)了什么。”

　　(6)Present for Girlfriend

　　At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.

　　The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."

　　送給女友的禮物

　　在一家珠寶店里，一位年輕人買(mǎi)了一個(gè)貴重的小金盒作為送給女友的禮物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面嗎?”珠寶商問(wèn)道。

　　那名顧客想了一會(huì)兒，然后說(shuō)道：“不--在上面刻‘給我唯一的愛(ài)’。這樣，如果我們鬧崩了，我還可以再用到它。”

　　Be Careful What You Wish For

　　A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

　　During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

　　The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

　　Next, it was the husband‘s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

　　The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

　　慎重許愿

　　一對(duì)結(jié)婚25周年的夫妻在慶祝他們六十歲的生日。他們恰好在同一天出生。

　　慶?；顒?dòng)中，一位仙女出現(xiàn)了。她說(shuō)，由于他們是已經(jīng)結(jié)婚25年的恩愛(ài)夫妻，因此她給許給這對(duì)夫妻每個(gè)人一個(gè)愿望。

　　妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一聲，她的手中出現(xiàn)了一張票。

　　接下來(lái)該丈夫許愿了。他猶豫片刻，害羞地說(shuō)，“那我想要一位比我年輕30歲的女人。”

　　仙女拾起了魔術(shù)棒。“呯!”，他變成了90歲。

　　Wood Fire

　　One woman lectured her best friend on the nature of the male animal. "Husbands are like wood fires; they go out if left unattened."

　　"Does that mean," asked the other, "that they make ashes of themselves?"

　　森林之火

　　一名婦女向她最好的朋友大談雄性動(dòng)物的特性：“丈夫們就像是森林里的火，一不注意，他們就會(huì)燃燒起來(lái)。”

　　“那是不是意味著，”另一個(gè)問(wèn)道，“他們將自己燒成灰燼?”

　　Best Reward

　　A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.

　　"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I‘d pulled you out, they‘d chuck me in."

　　最好的獎(jiǎng)賞

　　一名海軍軍官?gòu)募装迳系羧牒Ｖ?。他被一名甲板水手救起。這位軍官問(wèn)如何才能酬謝他。

　　“最好的辦法，長(zhǎng)官，”這名水手說(shuō)，“是別聲張這事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會(huì)把我扔下去的。”

　　Napoleon Was Ill

　　Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university. However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.

　　"He‘s a good boy," said Jack‘s father, "and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well."

　　"No, no, that‘s quite impossible," replied the professor immediately. "Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!"

　　"Please, sir, give him another chance," said Jack‘s father. "You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill."

　　拿破侖病了

　　杰克到一所大學(xué)去學(xué)歷史。第一學(xué)期結(jié)束時(shí)，歷史課教授沒(méi)讓他及格。學(xué)校讓他退學(xué)。然而，杰克的父親決定去見(jiàn)教授，強(qiáng)烈要求讓杰克繼續(xù)來(lái)年的學(xué)業(yè)。

　　“他是個(gè)好孩子，”杰克的父親說(shuō)：“您要是讓他這次及格，我相信他明年會(huì)有很大進(jìn)步，學(xué)期結(jié)束時(shí)，他一定會(huì)考好的。”

　　“不，不，那不可能，”教授馬上回答。“你知道嗎?上個(gè)月我問(wèn)他拿破侖什么時(shí)候死的，他都不知道。”

　　“先生，請(qǐng)?jiān)俳o他一次機(jī)會(huì)吧。”杰克的父親說(shuō)：“你不知道，恐怕是因?yàn)槲覀兗覜](méi)有訂報(bào)紙。我們家的人連拿破侖病了都不知道。”

　　He Was Only Wrong by Two

　　Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enought to be accepted by the college.

　　One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination. "Well," the dean said after some persuasion, "I‘d better ask him a few questions first."

　　Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.

　　At last the dean said, "Well, what‘s five times seven?"

　　The student thought for a long time and then answered, "Thirty-six."

　　The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, "Oh, please let him in, sir! He was only wrong by two."

　　他的得數(shù)只比正確答案多二

　　杰克霍金斯是美國(guó)一所學(xué)院的橄欖球隊(duì)教練，他竭力想物色好球員。但是好球員學(xué)業(yè)不行，院方不愿錄取。

　　有一天，教練帶著一位優(yōu)秀的年輕球員去見(jiàn)院長(zhǎng)，希望院方同意他免試入學(xué)。經(jīng)過(guò)一番勸說(shuō)后院長(zhǎng)說(shuō)：“那我最好先問(wèn)問(wèn)他幾個(gè)問(wèn)題。”

　　然后他轉(zhuǎn)向?qū)W生，問(wèn)了幾個(gè)非常簡(jiǎn)單的問(wèn)題?？墒悄莻€(gè)學(xué)生一個(gè)也答不上來(lái)。

　　最后院長(zhǎng)說(shuō)：“那么，五乘七得多少?”

　　學(xué)生想了很久，然后回答說(shuō)：“三十六。”

　　院長(zhǎng)攤開(kāi)雙手失望地看了看教練?？墒墙叹氄J(rèn)真地說(shuō)，“噢，錄取他吧，先生。他的答案只比正確答案多二。”

　　Real Play

　　When I taught the introduction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University, I required my students to attend the university theater‘s current production and write a critique. After viewing a particularly fine performance, one student wrote: "The play was so real, I thought I was actually sitting on my couch at home, watching it on television."

　　逼真的戲劇

　　我在北達(dá)科他州立大學(xué)教戲劇入門(mén)課時(shí)，要求學(xué)生們?nèi)タ磳W(xué)校劇團(tuán)當(dāng)時(shí)的演出，并寫(xiě)一篇評(píng)論?？戳艘粓?chǎng)極為精彩的演出后，一名學(xué)生寫(xiě)道：“這部戲劇是如此逼真，以致于我認(rèn)為我自己是坐在家里的沙發(fā)上，從電視上看到的。”

　　A Fine Match

　　One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."

　　The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.

　　Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

　　勢(shì)均力敵

　　有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過(guò)。她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公共汽車(chē)直奔商店。在那兒，她買(mǎi)了一只老鼠夾。店主告訴她：“放點(diǎn)奶酪在里面，很快你就會(huì)逮住那只老鼠的。”

　　這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家里，但她沒(méi)有在碗櫥里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因?yàn)橐呀?jīng)很晚了。于是，她就從一份雜志中剪下一幅奶酪的圖片放進(jìn)了夾子。

　　令人稱奇的是，這畫(huà)有奶酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)鼠夾里奶酪圖片旁有一張畫(huà)有老鼠的圖片!

　　Gardening Gloves

　　For months I hinted that I needed a new wedding ring, since I had developed an allergy to gold. On my birthday, while I was gardening, my husband asked me for gift suggestions. I held my hands up and said, "Well, you‘ll notice that my hands are bare."

　　Later that evening I opened my present with enthusiasm. "Happy birthday," he said, as I unwrapped a new pair of gardening gloves.

　　園藝手套

　　幾個(gè)月以來(lái)，我一直在向丈夫暗示我需要一枚新的結(jié)婚戒指，因?yàn)槲覍?duì)黃金有點(diǎn)過(guò)敏。生日那天，我正在干園藝活時(shí)，丈夫問(wèn)我想要什么禮物。我舉起雙手說(shuō)：“嗯，你肯定看到了，我的兩手都是光光的。”

　　那天晚上，我滿懷熱情地拆開(kāi)了丈夫送的禮物。“生日快樂(lè)!”他說(shuō)。我打開(kāi)一看：里面包著一雙園藝手套。

　　Warning

　　Several weeks after our son began his freshman year at Alma College in Michigan, my husband and I decided to visit him. I was careful to call him a few days in advance to "warn" him that we would be coming. When we arrived at the dorm, however, I was taken aback by the disarray of his room. "Forgot we were coming, didn‘t you?" I teased.

　　"Are you kidding?" he replied, "Why else would I have bothered to clean?"

　　提醒

　　我們的兒子是密歇根州阿爾馬大學(xué)的新生，開(kāi)學(xué)幾個(gè)星期之后，我和丈夫決定去看看他。我特意提前給他打電話，“提醒”他我們將光臨。但是當(dāng)我們來(lái)到宿舍時(shí)，他的房間凌亂不堪，我非常吃驚。“忘了我們要來(lái)，是吧?”我取笑他。

　　“開(kāi)什么玩笑?“，他回答說(shuō)，“要不我憑什么費(fèi)神打掃?”

　　Ground Rules

　　One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor. Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don‘t mind if you look at your watches during class. I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they‘re still running."

　　基本原則

　　位于吉拉多海角的密蘇里東南州立大學(xué)有一位我非常喜歡的老師，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在對(duì)一個(gè)新生班級(jí)講解他的基本原則時(shí)，他說(shuō)：“我知道我的講課可能經(jīng)常會(huì)枯燥乏味，了無(wú)生趣，所以如果你們?cè)谏险n時(shí)看表我并不介意。不過(guò)我堅(jiān)決反對(duì)你們將表在課桌上猛敲看它們是不是還在走。”