在性關(guān)系中，說出“同意”遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)不夠
當(dāng)成年人向年輕人談?wù)撔詴r(shí)，常規(guī)的說辭包括警告他們必須在進(jìn)入下一步親密關(guān)系之前獲得“同意”。問題就在這里：將重點(diǎn)放在“同意”上的指導(dǎo)意味著，可以被允許的性互動(dòng)的法律標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，同樣也是一個(gè)得體的，或者令人滿意的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。
Which it isn’t.
但并非如此。
So long as discussions of consent crowd out discussions of basic interpersonal sensitivity, we should not be surprised by reports of young men who (more often than the other way round) badger young women for sexual favors. It may be legal to wear someone down, but doing so is not the basis for healthy relationships between any two people, be they of the opposite or same sex.
只要對“同意”的討論過多，導(dǎo)致對基本的人際感性的討論沒有容身之地，我們就不應(yīng)該對年輕男子為了獲得性好處而糾纏年輕女性的報(bào)道感到驚訝(這類事通常是男對女，而不是反過來)。鍥而不舍征服某人可能是合法的，但這么做并非兩個(gè)人健康關(guān)系的基礎(chǔ)，無論是同性還是異性之間。
According to Emily Lauster, a 22-year-old recent graduate of George Washington University who now works in adolescent mental health, “You hear stories all the time of the girl not really being into it, or telling the guy she’s tired and the guy not giving her space. Maybe he’ll keep trying to initiate something physically, or take a few minutes to talk about something else before bringing it up again.”
根據(jù)22歲的艾米麗·勞斯特(Emily Lauster)所說，“你總是能聽到女孩不是很感興趣，或者告訴男生她累了，而男生卻不給她空間的故事。可能他會繼續(xù)嘗試開始肢體上的接觸，或者花幾分鐘說點(diǎn)別的，然后又提起這件事”。勞斯特近期從喬治·華盛頓大學(xué)(George Washington University)畢業(yè)，目前從事青少年心理健康方面的工作。
And so long as we normalize mere consent as an acceptable standard for sexual engagement, it will remain commonplace for young women (and sometimes, young men) to harbor feelings of confusion and regret after participating in sexual activity for which they technically gave consent, but only when pressured.
而且，只要我們將僅僅是“同意”這一點(diǎn)作為性接觸方面可以接受的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，將其正?；?，那么對年輕女人(有時(shí)也包括男人)來說，就免不了會在進(jìn)行了理論上有“同意”卻往往是迫于壓力的性活動(dòng)后，心里懷著困惑和遺憾的感受了。
Joe Berusch, a 19-year-old from Shaker Heights, Ohio, and a rising sophomore at the University of Chicago, said that in talking with friends about a recent New York Times article regarding sex and consent on campus, he was surprised to learn that several of his female friends “had repeated experiences of being asked over and over again.” He added that he didn’t want to think that women would sometimes “cave because it just made things easier. But I know it does happen.”
19歲的喬·伯奇(Joe Berusch)來自俄亥俄州莎克漢斯，是芝加哥大學(xué)(University of Chicago)即將升入大二的學(xué)生，他說自己在與朋友探討《紐約時(shí)報(bào)》近期一篇關(guān)于校園性行為和“同意”的文章時(shí)，他得知自己的幾位女性朋友“曾有過多次遭到反復(fù)要求的經(jīng)歷”，這讓他感到很驚訝。他還說他不愿去想女性有時(shí)候“會屈服，因?yàn)檫@會讓事情變得簡單點(diǎn)兒。但我知道這種事確實(shí)會發(fā)生。”
Sexual encounters ought to be pleasurable, mutual endeavors. They should advance as partners earnestly and happily agree, not because one party merely grants permission to the other. Too often, our advice to young people trains their attention on consent, the lowest possible bar for lawful sexual activity. We routinely spell out precisely what does, and doesn’t, constitute acquiescence but say little or nothing about tuning in to the desires of one’s partner. To put a very fine point on it, we essentially communicate, “When it comes to your sex life, don’t assault or rape anyone.”
性關(guān)系應(yīng)該是令人愉悅、經(jīng)過雙方許可的行為，應(yīng)該隨著雙方熱切、開心地同意后向前推進(jìn)，而不是僅僅因?yàn)槠渲幸环浇o了另一方許可。我們太常建議年輕人訓(xùn)練自己關(guān)注“同意”，而這只是合法發(fā)生性行為的最低標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。我們定期會明確說明什么構(gòu)成、什么不構(gòu)成默許，卻不怎么講、或者根本不講關(guān)于順從伴侶欲望的情況。要反復(fù)討論這一點(diǎn)的話，基本上我們溝通的內(nèi)容是，“在性生活方面，不要侵犯或強(qiáng)奸任何人。”
Donnovan Somera Yisrael, an emotional and sexual health educator at Stanford University, suggests that we should expand the discussions of consent to include conversations about “how you detect desire in your partner and verify that desire with consent.”
斯坦福大學(xué)(Stanford University)情感、性健康教育工作者唐諾文·索梅拉·以瑟列(Donnovan Somera Yisrael)建議，我們應(yīng)當(dāng)擴(kuò)大對“同意”的討論，將“如何感知你的伴侶的欲望，用同意證實(shí)它”這一問題納入其中。
What if we reserved the term consent for its more appropriate uses, such as in the courtroom or when submitting to a medical procedure? And what if, in the place of consent, we advised young people to check for nothing less than enthusiastic agreementfrom their sexual partners? We could add, “I get it that healthy sex can include some uncertainty. Feeling apprehensive yet eager is all right. But if you or your partner feels apprehensive and merely willing, that’s a no go.”
如果我們把“同意”這個(gè)詞留在更合適的場合使用，例如在法庭或在走醫(yī)療程序的時(shí)候?而且，如果在同意的情況下，我們建議年輕人看看他們的性伴侶有沒有給出完全熱情的同意?我們還可以補(bǔ)充說，“我明白健康的性會包括一些不確定性。感到不安的同時(shí)卻很急切是可以的。但如果你，或者你的伴侶感到不安卻不怎么愿意，那就是不可以。”
When drinking is involved, even enthusiastic agreement might be too low a bar for consent, but it’s still an improvement upon the standard we hold now.
當(dāng)其中涉及飲酒，即使是熱情的同意對“同意”來說也標(biāo)準(zhǔn)也可能太低，但對于我們現(xiàn)在的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)來說，仍是一個(gè)進(jìn)步。
We can continue to raise consent as an issue, but let’s not suggest that healthy romantic activity typically involves situations when consent might be unclear. Instead, we could say, “If you’re unsure about whether you have a green light in the bedroom, you may or may not have a legal concern. But you definitely have a relational one. You should not feel comfortable proceeding if your partner says no more than ‘O.K. … fine,’ to something you suggest.”
我們可以繼續(xù)把“同意”作為一個(gè)問題提出來，但我們可別暗示，正常的浪漫行為往往會涉及“同意”不見得很明確的情形。相反，我們可以說，“如果你無法確定自己在臥室里是否得到了許可，你可能有、可能沒有法律上的顧慮。你一定會有相關(guān)的顧慮。如果你的伴侶只是說‘OK ……好吧’，你就不應(yīng)該坦然地繼續(xù)做你所建議的事情。”
“An effective lesson on consent,” said Nicole Cushman, executive director of Answer, an organization in the United States that promotes sex education for youth, “is not just about providing a legal definition and a script that young people need to follow.” In Ms. Cushman’s experience, teaching about consent should address “communication skills, decision making and respect for personal boundaries.”
“一個(gè)關(guān)于同意的有效教訓(xùn)，”美國推廣青少年性教育的機(jī)構(gòu)“回答”(Answer)的總干事妮可·庫什曼(Nicole Cushman)說，“不只是向年輕人提供法律定義和劇本。”根據(jù)庫什曼的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，教授“同意”應(yīng)該涉及“溝通技巧、決策和尊重個(gè)人邊界”。
Our surprising comfort with the term consent grows out of a reluctance to acknowledge that women have libidos, too. Only if we ignore female desire can we go along with the troublesome premise that, in heterosexual interactions, men will play offense and women will play defense.
我們對“同意”這個(gè)術(shù)語出奇地放心，源于我們不愿意承認(rèn)女性也有性欲。只有忽視了女性的欲望，我們才能贊同這樣一個(gè)棘手前提，即在異性間的交往中，男性是進(jìn)攻角色，女性是防御角色。
“You can consent to having sex, but is that all we should expect from our sexual experiences?” asked Anna Rosenfeld, 23, a recent graduate of the University of Pennsylvania and a former peer educator for Planned Parenthood. “As women, we should be taught to expect pleasure and reciprocation — that is a higher bar than what we are necessarily taught to think about.”
“你可以同意發(fā)生性行為，但這就是我們從性經(jīng)驗(yàn)中應(yīng)該期待的全部嗎?”23歲的安娜·羅森菲爾德(Anna Rosenfeld)問道;她最近剛從賓夕法尼亞大學(xué)畢業(yè)，之前曾在計(jì)劃生育聯(lián)合會(Planned Parenthood)任同伴教育者。“作為女性，我們應(yīng)該被教導(dǎo)去期待快樂和回報(bào)——這高于目前必定教給我們?nèi)ニ伎嫉哪切〇|西。”
To remind young people that sex is about shared enjoyment, we might say to both our daughters and our sons, “Know what you want and learn what your partner wants. Good sex happens where those two agendas meet.”
為了提醒年輕人性是雙方共有的一種享受，我們對自己的兒女都可以說這樣的話：“知道你自己想要什么，并且了解你的伴侶想要什么。當(dāng)兩個(gè)議程有了交集，才會有美好的性。”
Of course as parents, we often feel reluctant to communicate with our children about their emerging sexual lives. Or we may be so busy warning kids about the potential downsides of sex that we forget to let them know that it also has the potential for intimacy and joy.
當(dāng)然，作為父母，我們往往不愿意和子女談?wù)撍麄兗磳⒌絹淼男陨??；蛘?，我們只顧提醒他們性行為可能存在的?fù)面影響，而忘了讓他們知道，性也有可能帶來親密和快樂。
“The hookup culture has reinforced the lack of respect,” Ms. Lauster said. “It suggests that you’re not supposed to think of the person in terms of a relationship — you don’t necessarily have to respect the person you’re hooking up with. And I think that goes both ways — that girls don’t necessarily respect the guys they’re hooking up with.”
“勾搭文化強(qiáng)化了尊重的缺乏，”勞斯特說。“它意味著，你不用從一段感情關(guān)系的角度來考慮對方——你不一定要尊重那個(gè)你勾搭的對象。而且我認(rèn)為這是雙向的——女孩也不一定尊重勾搭她們的男性。”
Given that most young people are considerate of their friends, adults giving advice could say, “What goes for your friendships goes the same for your romances: You should be kind and caring toward anyone you’re with and expect the same in return.”
考慮到絕大多數(shù)年輕人都很看重朋友間的友誼，給予建議的成年人可以這樣說：“愛情跟友情一樣，你應(yīng)該善待、關(guān)心跟你在一起的人，并且期待得到同樣的回報(bào)。”
