智能手機(jī)影響夫妻生活

Technology is destroying real intimacy in our relationships says Paul Levy

You know how it goes: you’re trying to talk to your grandchildren, but they’re constantly checking their beeping phones. ‘I’m listening . . . ’ they insist. Except you know only too well they’re not.

At home, over dinner, you want to catch up with your husband, but he’s busy checking his emails on his iPad. He says ‘Yes’ every so often but, again, his attention is obviously elsewhere.

Part of you wonders who is messaging him so often. You feel a pang of mistrust; maybe you don’t even kiss him goodnight.

Then it occurs to you that you put an ‘X’ at the end of your text messages to each other more often than you kiss in real life.

For many of us, this behaviour is slowly becoming the new normal. But it shouldn’t: because technology is destroying real intimacy in our relationships.

I have been studying the digital world as a senior researcher at the University of Brighton since 1990, but it was six years ago when I started to notice myself spending too long on my smartphone: hours online at night and constantly responding to it in the day, even when surrounded by friends.

I realised I was beginning to get addicted — and I wasn’t the only one. So, I began studying the effects of our virtual lives on our physical relationships, and have since spoken to hundreds of couples whose partnerships have been threatened by their addiction to technology.

For some, the cause is what I call ‘wretched contentment’: spending evenings watching TV, all the while constantly checking phones without talking. It’s pleasant, but it’s not fulfilling.

As the quality of our physical connections gets diluted over time, we adjust, expecting less. We forget what real romance is. And we forget that sending kisses by email can’t replace actual intimacy.

Studies the world over have proven the same. Researchers at the University of Missouri interviewed hundreds of Facebook users aged between 18 and 82, who believed their partner’s Facebook use increased conflict in their relationship.

As the use of the site increased, the study found, so did their jealousy, leading to break-ups, cheating and divorce.

The evidence is everywhere: the more we resort to digital intimacy, the less fluent our actual intimacy becomes.

One couple’s relationship suffered when they were both promoted, and spent every evening answering emails from work, even at 11pm.

‘At first, we were answering emails from the bedroom,’ says Anne. ‘Which meant our sex life suffered. Then, my husband started working from the study next door instead. When he started texting me goodnight, instead of walking to the bedroom, I knew I was no longer a priority.’

This distance breeds mistrust. Partners worry who their loved one is talking to — often with good reason.

And an Oxford University study of 24,000 married European couples found a direct, inverse link between use of social networking sites and marital satisfaction.

The more couples read about others’ exciting lives on social media, the more likely they were to view their own with disappointment and disdain.

People can fall into ‘text’ arguments in ways they never would face-to-face. Misunderstandings are all too easy when you can’t read someone’s body language. And friendships are affected as we replace meet-ups with online communication.

The more we get out of practice at being with other human beings, the scarier physical closeness becomes, chipping away at our happiness. We all need deep communication and we’re not getting it.

Many children now Skype relatives more regularly, but visit them less. Most grandparents would prefer a call and a visit.

Technology can be a beautiful way to keep in touch, but it should be an addition, not a replacement, to real relationships.

你可能會(huì)碰到這種情況：你想和兒孫們聊聊天，可不時(shí)震動(dòng)的手機(jī)吸引了他們?nèi)康淖⒁饬?，他們口中說(shuō)著“我正聽著呢……” 不過(guò)你心知肚明他們根本沒(méi)注意你說(shuō)了什么。

要么在家中，你想在晚餐時(shí)間跟丈夫談?wù)?，他卻一直忙著用平板收發(fā)郵件，他不時(shí)嗯嗯啊啊應(yīng)答著你，但顯然你說(shuō)什么他根本沒(méi)留意。

你很想知道是誰(shuí)在這么頻繁地聯(lián)絡(luò)他，于是因此而猜疑煩惱，連晚安吻都無(wú)心相贈(zèng)。

現(xiàn)在的你在短信最后寫“吻你”甚至比兩個(gè)人真正的親吻次數(shù)還要多。

上面提到的那些現(xiàn)在正在悄然改變著你我的生活，日積月累，漸成習(xí)慣。但是，我們不該讓科技破壞我們的正常生活。

1990年以來(lái)，我在布萊頓大學(xué)開始了我對(duì)數(shù)字技術(shù)的相關(guān)研究，但在六年前，我發(fā)現(xiàn)我開始沉迷于智能手機(jī)，那種迷戀甚至到了不分時(shí)間和場(chǎng)合的地步。

我意識(shí)到我已然上癮，但我絕非個(gè)例。于是我開始研究這種虛擬行為對(duì)人與人之間關(guān)系的影響，并著手調(diào)查了幾百對(duì)因?yàn)橹悄軝C(jī)之癮而遭遇婚姻危機(jī)的夫婦。

我通常把這種狀態(tài)稱作“可悲式滿足”。一晚上都開著電視，而夫妻二人卻相對(duì)無(wú)言，頻看手機(jī)，這或許能帶給人一時(shí)的愉快滿足，卻難填人類真正的空虛。

而因此日漸冷漠的現(xiàn)實(shí)關(guān)系，我們反到逐步適應(yīng)，以至彼此之間期待漸少。我們漸漸忘卻浪漫的真諦，卻可悲的未曾意識(shí)到現(xiàn)實(shí)世界的親密是電子郵件中的“吻”所不能代替的。

相關(guān)研究也取得了同樣的結(jié)果，密蘇里州立大學(xué)的研究人員調(diào)查了幾百名年齡在18歲至82歲的Facebook用戶，這些用戶認(rèn)為由于伴侶們使用Facebook這種社交網(wǎng)絡(luò)導(dǎo)致了彼此失和。

研究人員發(fā)現(xiàn)，使用Facebook越頻繁，他們之間的嫉妒情緒就愈發(fā)高漲，從而導(dǎo)致分手，出軌甚至離婚。

很顯然，我們沉浸在虛擬世界的時(shí)間越多，就勢(shì)必導(dǎo)致在現(xiàn)實(shí)中親密的次數(shù)越少。

如果夫妻雙雙升職，并因此每晚回復(fù)工作郵件到深夜，就必然會(huì)妨害到夫妻關(guān)系。

“一開始，我們還在臥室回復(fù)郵件，這使我們的夫妻生活受到影響，”安娜說(shuō)，“然后我丈夫開始移到了隔壁房間工作，接著他連臥室都不進(jìn)來(lái)了，直接用短信道晚安，我明白他已經(jīng)不在乎我了。”

距離產(chǎn)生猜疑，人們難免擔(dān)心他們的伴侶正在同別人打得火熱。

牛津大學(xué)通過(guò)對(duì)2.4萬(wàn)對(duì)歐洲已婚夫婦的調(diào)查發(fā)現(xiàn)，社交網(wǎng)絡(luò)的使用頻率與婚姻滿意度稱反比。

若情侶們經(jīng)常在網(wǎng)站上看到別人大秀恩愛(ài)，他們就會(huì)反觀自己的不如意于是更加不滿。

人們極易于沉迷在互不見(jiàn)面的短信交流中，而在無(wú)法看到肢體語(yǔ)言的情況下，產(chǎn)生誤會(huì)輕而易舉。這種在線交流也會(huì)對(duì)友情有一定影響。

人類如果長(zhǎng)時(shí)間離群索居，很容易自我封閉，消減幸福感。故而我們需要深度交流。

如今的許多孩子通常用Skype(一種網(wǎng)絡(luò)電話軟件)與親人溝通，卻極少親自看望親人，但大部分的長(zhǎng)輩更喜歡他們本人來(lái)看他們。

技術(shù)本是溝通的美麗橋梁，然而對(duì)人與人之間的關(guān)系而言，它終究只是附屬，并非代替。