讓陌生人迅速相愛(ài)的36個(gè)問(wèn)題

No. 37: Big Wedding or Small?

讓陌生人迅速相愛(ài)的36個(gè)問(wèn)題

In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.

曼迪·萊恩·卡特隆(Mandy Len Catron)為“現(xiàn)代愛(ài)情”專欄寫(xiě)了一篇文章《如何快速與陌生人相愛(ài)》，她在文中提到心理學(xué)家阿瑟·亞倫(Arthur Aron)等人的研究成果：兩個(gè)陌生人之間的親密關(guān)系或許可以通過(guò)彼此詢問(wèn)一些特別的個(gè)人化問(wèn)題而快速升溫。這36個(gè)問(wèn)題分為三組，一組比一組來(lái)得尋根究底。

The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

這個(gè)理論的核心是，共同的脆弱能促進(jìn)親近感。這項(xiàng)研究的作者們稱：“同伴之間發(fā)展親密關(guān)系的關(guān)鍵模式在于持續(xù)、逐步升級(jí)、相互且個(gè)人化的袒露自我。”允許自己和另一個(gè)人共享脆弱可能非常困難，下面這個(gè)練習(xí)能迫使你做到這一點(diǎn)。

The final task Ms. Catron and her friend try — staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes — is less well documented, with the suggested duration ranging from two minutes to four. But Ms. Catron was unequivocal in her recommendation. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” she told me. “Four really goes somewhere.”

卡特隆和她的朋友在文中嘗試的最后一件事是彼此對(duì)視四分鐘，這個(gè)過(guò)程沒(méi)有被詳細(xì)記錄(其實(shí)可以從兩分鐘到四分鐘不等)。但是卡特隆毫不遲疑地推薦這件事。“兩分鐘的效果已經(jīng)很驚人了，”她告訴我，“四分鐘真的非常有效。”

Set I

第一組

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

1. 如果可以在世界上所有人中任意選擇，你想邀請(qǐng)誰(shuí)共進(jìn)晚餐?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

2. 你想成名嗎?想以什么方式成名?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

3. 打電話之前你會(huì)先排練一下要說(shuō)什么嗎，為什么?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

4. 對(duì)你來(lái)說(shuō)，“完美”的一天是什么樣的?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

5. 你上次自己唱起歌來(lái)是在什么時(shí)候，給別人唱呢?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

6. 如果你能活到90歲，同時(shí)可以一直保持30歲時(shí)的心智或身體，你會(huì)選擇保持哪一種呢，心智還是身體?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

7. 你是否曾經(jīng)秘密地預(yù)感到自己會(huì)以怎樣的方式死去?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

8. 說(shuō)出三件你和你的伴侶看上去相同的特征。

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

9. 人生中的什么東西最令你感激?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

10. 如果你能改變被撫養(yǎng)成人過(guò)程中的一件事，會(huì)是哪一件。

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

11. 花四分鐘時(shí)間，盡可能詳細(xì)告訴伴侶你的人生經(jīng)歷。

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

12.如果你明天一覺(jué)醒來(lái)就能擁有某種才能或能力，你希望那會(huì)是什么能力呢?

Set II

第二組

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

13. 如果有一個(gè)水晶球可以告訴你關(guān)于自己、人生，未來(lái)乃至任何事情的真相，你會(huì)想知道嗎?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

14. 有沒(méi)有什么事是你一直夢(mèng)想去做而沒(méi)有去做的，為什么沒(méi)有做?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

15. 你人生中最大的成就是什么?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

16. 在一段友誼之中你最珍視的是什么?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

17. 你最寶貴的記憶是什么?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

18. 你最糟糕的記憶是什么?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

19. 假如你知道自己在一年內(nèi)就會(huì)突然死去，你會(huì)改變現(xiàn)在的生活方式嗎?為什么?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

20. 友誼對(duì)于你來(lái)說(shuō)意味著什么?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

21. 愛(ài)與情感在你生活中扮演著什么樣的角色?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

22. 和你的伴侶輪流說(shuō)出心目中對(duì)方的一個(gè)好品質(zhì)，每人說(shuō)五條。

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

23. 你的家人之間關(guān)系是否親密而溫暖，你覺(jué)得自己的童年比其他人更快樂(lè)嗎?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

24. 你和母親之間的關(guān)系是怎樣的?

Set III

第三組

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

25. 每人用“我們”造三個(gè)句子，并含有實(shí)際情況，比如“我們倆在屋子里，感覺(jué)……”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

26. 補(bǔ)完這個(gè)句子：“我希望和某人在一起，分享……”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

27. 如果你想和對(duì)方成為親近的朋友，請(qǐng)告訴對(duì)方有什么重要的事情是他或她需要知道 的。

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

28. 告訴對(duì)方你喜歡他或她身上的什么東西，要非常誠(chéng)實(shí)，說(shuō)些你不會(huì)對(duì)萍水之交說(shuō)的東西。

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

29. 和對(duì)方分享生命中那些尷尬的時(shí)刻。

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

30. 你上次在別人面前哭是什么時(shí)候?自己哭呢?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

31. 告訴對(duì)方，你已經(jīng)喜歡上了他或她身上的什么品質(zhì)。

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

32. 你覺(jué)得什么東西是嚴(yán)肅到不能開(kāi)玩笑的，假如有的話。

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

33. 如果你今晚就將死去，而且沒(méi)有機(jī)會(huì)同任何人聯(lián)絡(luò)，你會(huì)因?yàn)橹皼](méi)有對(duì)別人說(shuō)什么話而感到遺憾，你為什么到現(xiàn)在都沒(méi)有對(duì)他們說(shuō)這些話呢?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

34. 假設(shè)你擁有的全部東西都在你的房子里，現(xiàn)在房子著了火，救出家人和寵物之后，你還有機(jī)會(huì)安全地沖進(jìn)去最后一次，取出最后一件東西，你會(huì)拿什么，為什么?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

35. 你的家人中，誰(shuí)去世了會(huì)令你最難過(guò)，為什么?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

36. 說(shuō)出一件你的個(gè)人問(wèn)題，問(wèn)對(duì)方如果遇到此事要如何解決。另外，也要讓對(duì)方如實(shí)告訴你，在他或她眼中，你對(duì)于這個(gè)問(wèn)題的感受是怎樣的。