我們相愛21年，秘訣就是永遠(yuǎn)不要結(jié)婚

I am often asked if I am married. Sometimes I lie and say that I am. Sometimes I lie and say that I am not. Neither answer feels entirely truthful to me.

常有人問我是不是已經(jīng)結(jié)婚了。有時(shí)候我會(huì)撒謊說結(jié)了。有時(shí)候我會(huì)撒謊說沒結(jié)。兩個(gè)回答對(duì)我而言都不算是完全準(zhǔn)確。

If I say I am not married, the true answer, people occasionally try to set me up with their offspring. They seem to think I would be a great daughter-in-law. Actually, I would be a great daughter-in-law. I send thank-you cards. I am a terrific conversationalist. I can bake a pie.

如果說我沒結(jié)婚，也就是如實(shí)回答，有的人就會(huì)試圖把他們的兒子介紹給我。他們似乎認(rèn)為，我應(yīng)該是個(gè)很不錯(cuò)的媳婦。事實(shí)上我的確應(yīng)該能當(dāng)個(gè)好媳婦。我會(huì)發(fā)致謝卡。我非常會(huì)聊天。我會(huì)烘焙。

I met the man I am not married to the second week of college.

我在上大學(xué)的第二周結(jié)識(shí)了這個(gè)沒有跟我結(jié)婚的男人。

“You’re wearing black,” Hans said. “I’m wearing black.”

“你穿黑的，”漢斯說。“我穿黑的。”

This was said with some irony; we were standing in a black box theater. Everyone was wearing black. He had a girlfriend, so we didn’t get together until several months later. We have been together ever since, 21 years.

這話是帶點(diǎn)諷刺的;我們當(dāng)時(shí)站在一個(gè)黑盒子劇場(chǎng)里。所有人都穿黑的。他有個(gè)女朋友，因此我們幾個(gè)月后才在一起。此后我們一直在一起，21年。

A year before I met Hans, a relative of his opened a credit card in his name and charged the better portion of another relative’s wedding. And then she forgot to pay the bill. For years. Forever, actually.

遇到漢斯一年前，他的一個(gè)親戚用他的名字開了張信用卡，用它支付了另一個(gè)親戚的婚禮的相當(dāng)一部分開銷。然后她就忘了還款。拖了很多年。事實(shí)上，始終沒還過。

Hans didn’t find out until two years after the crime, when he was applying to graduate school. Even after making arrangements to pay off the debt, his credit was ruined and he couldn’t get student loans. The credit card company told him the only way to clear his credit would be to take the relative to court. Identity theft is a serious crime, the company said, and she could possibly go to jail.

漢斯在兩年后才發(fā)現(xiàn)這一罪行，當(dāng)時(shí)他要申請(qǐng)讀研究生。盡管想方設(shè)法還掉了欠款，他的信用還是毀了，得不到學(xué)生貸款。信用卡公司告訴他，恢復(fù)信用的唯一辦法是把親戚告上法庭。公司說身份盜竊是嚴(yán)重的罪行，她可能會(huì)因此入獄。

Hans wouldn’t do it because the woman had a child, and he didn’t want the child to grow up without a mother. I liked that about him. He was in his early 20s and less than poor. But what difference did it make? He was a person of integrity, and we were in love. We had been together six months.

他不會(huì)那么做，因?yàn)槟莻€(gè)女人有一個(gè)孩子，他不想讓那個(gè)孩子在成長(zhǎng)過程中失去母親的陪伴。我愛這樣的他。二十幾歲的他，窮得不能再窮。但又有什么關(guān)系?他是一個(gè)正直的人，我們墜入了愛河。當(dāng)時(shí)我們已經(jīng)在一起六個(gè)月了。

It can be awkward to describe this situation to people I don’t know. They tend to ask follow-up questions: “Why didn’t you just clear the credit cards and then get married?”

向我不認(rèn)識(shí)的人描繪這種情況會(huì)有點(diǎn)尷尬。他們往往會(huì)問如下問題：“你為什么不結(jié)清卡債，然后結(jié)婚?”

“Why didn’t I?” I say lightly.

“我為什么沒這么做呢?”我輕聲說。

The answer is: many reasons. Because I was 18 when I met him and didn’t know how long the relationship would last. Because it was a lot of money and I was embarrassed to ask my parents for help. Because neither of us had regular jobs and we both wanted to be artists more than we wanted to be married people. Because one of us needed good credit in order to rent apartments and charge groceries. Because by the time we had the means to make honest people of ourselves, we felt as if we had been together too long to bother.

答案是：有許多原因。因?yàn)槲矣龅剿臅r(shí)候只有18歲，不知道這段關(guān)系能維持多久;因?yàn)槟鞘且淮蠊P錢，我不好意思讓父母幫忙;因?yàn)槲覀儌z都沒有固定工作，而且二人成為藝術(shù)家的意愿都強(qiáng)于成為已婚者的意愿;因?yàn)槲覀冎械囊粋€(gè)人得有良好的信用，以便租公寓、購(gòu)置雜貨;因?yàn)榈搅擞修k法把自己變成虔誠(chéng)老實(shí)的人的時(shí)候，我們又覺得在一起已經(jīng)太長(zhǎng)時(shí)間了，沒必要再費(fèi)事。

But I don’t say any of these things.

但是這些事我都沒有說。

“Don’t you like weddings?” someone will ask.

“你不喜歡婚禮嗎?”有人會(huì)問。

I love weddings. The odd mix of religion, government and pageantry moves me. It’s like theater, but with real people.

我喜歡婚禮。這種宗教、政府管理與盛典的奇異組合令我心動(dòng)。它就像一場(chǎng)戲劇，不過參與者都是生活中的人。

I have been to weddings. I have seen the white dresses. I have worn the bridesmaid dress. I have smelled the roses. I have never caught the bouquet, but I have watched its trajectory with enthusiasm. I have heard the wedding band play “Shout,” and I have gotten a little bit louder now.

我參加過婚禮。我見過白色的禮服。我也穿過伴娘禮服。我聞到過玫瑰的香氣。我從來沒有抓到過花束，但我曾經(jīng)熱切地注視它的軌跡。我聽過婚禮樂隊(duì)演奏《呼喚》(Shout)，現(xiàn)在我的聲音變得更響亮了一些。

I have shopped the registries, and I have sent the pasta makers, the towels, the knives and the vases. I am comfortable with the fact that as a person who has no plans to marry, I will not receive the pasta maker, the towel, the knives or the vase in return.

我為新人們買過東西，我送過他們意面機(jī)、毛巾、刀具和花瓶。作為一個(gè)沒有結(jié)婚計(jì)劃的人，我不會(huì)禮尚往來地收到意面機(jī)、毛巾、刀具或花瓶。對(duì)此，我感到無所謂。

Hans and I have been together a long time, and for better or for worse, we have those things already.

漢斯和我在一起已經(jīng)很久了，不管是好還是壞，這些東西我們都有了。

My accountant recently broached the subject of marriage with me. He has been my accountant for the last 13 years, and I feel as if he’s my second most important long-term relationship. We were discussing whether I should consider getting married now.

最近，我的會(huì)計(jì)師和我聊起結(jié)婚這個(gè)話題。過去13年來，他一直都是我的會(huì)計(jì)師，我覺得他是我第二重要的長(zhǎng)期關(guān)系。我們討論我現(xiàn)在該不該考慮結(jié)婚。

I said, “It feels like it has been too long.”

我說，“感覺時(shí)間已經(jīng)太長(zhǎng)了。”

I guess because I am turning 40 this year, he said, “Well, there are reasons to be married when you are old.” The reasons fell largely into two categories: What happens when I die? And what happens if I get sick and then die?

我猜是因?yàn)榻衲晡揖蜐M40歲了的緣故，他說：“等你老了，就會(huì)有很多結(jié)婚的理由。”這些原因大致可以分為兩類：我死時(shí)該怎么辦?如果我生病快死了該怎么辦?

Once, on the way back from Japan, a customs agent was furious at Hans and me for sharing a checked suitcase when we weren’t related. We were not family, which meant we needed to speak to customs separately. So how to deal with the problem of a shared suitcase? What was a customs agent to do?

有一次從日本回來的時(shí)候，一個(gè)海關(guān)工作人員對(duì)我和漢斯大發(fā)脾氣，我倆之間沒有任何親屬關(guān)系，但我們卻共用一個(gè)托運(yùn)行李箱。我們不是家人，這意味著我們需要和海關(guān)單獨(dú)交談。該怎樣處理共用一個(gè)手提箱的問題呢?海關(guān)工作人員要怎么辦?

“Well, you see,” I remember saying, “when he was in college, a relative opened up this credit card, and. ...”

“嗯，你看，”我記得我當(dāng)時(shí)說，“他上大學(xué)的時(shí)候，一個(gè)親戚開了張信用卡，然后……”

Basically, this encounter encapsulated the reason to get married at this peaceful midpoint of our lives. Because as you get old, per my accountant, life becomes a series of skirmishes with customs agents.

基本上，這次經(jīng)歷可以概括在我們平靜的中年時(shí)光結(jié)婚的理由。因?yàn)槟憷狭?，我的?huì)計(jì)師說，生活就成了同海關(guān)工作人員之間的一系列小規(guī)模沖突。

I know he is right. At this point, though, the math bothers me. I don’t want to start over again at Year 1. I worry that if Hans and I were to get married now, it would somehow be like saying the last two decades didn’t count.

我知道他是對(duì)的。然而，在這個(gè)時(shí)候，相關(guān)數(shù)字令我感到困擾。我不想從“第一年”從頭開始計(jì)數(shù)。我擔(dān)心，如果我和漢斯現(xiàn)在結(jié)婚，就好像是在說過去20年根本不算數(shù)一樣。

I have had four dogs with the man I am not married to. I have dedicated several of my books to him, but really, they all could be. He is my most important reader and creative collaborator. We have traveled the world with one suitcase. We have cooked more than 100 Blue Apron meals without killing each other. We have shared a dozen different addresses. We have built a life. But we are not married. We live in California, which means we are not even common-law married.

我擁有四條狗，以及一個(gè)沒有和我結(jié)婚的男人。我寫的好幾本書都是題獻(xiàn)給他的，但其實(shí)我所有的書都可以題獻(xiàn)給他。他是我最重要的讀者與創(chuàng)意合作者。我們共用一個(gè)行李箱走遍了世界。我們用藍(lán)圍裙服務(wù)(Blue Apron)外送的配菜做了100多頓飯，還沒有把對(duì)方殺掉。我們共享過十幾個(gè)各種各樣的地址。我們已經(jīng)建立了共同的生活。但我們沒有結(jié)婚。我們住在加利福尼亞，這意味著我們甚至不是民事意義上的婚姻關(guān)系。

Some time ago — we had not been married for 15 years — when we had an apartment by Riverside Park in New York, Hans woke up, looked out the window and said with boyish, almost biblical conviction, “Everything is telling me that’s Kristen Schaal.”

前段時(shí)間——二人保持不結(jié)婚的關(guān)系滿15年的時(shí)候——我們住紐約河濱公園的公寓里，漢斯有一次醒來時(shí)眼望著窗外，用孩子氣的，幾乎是宗教般的堅(jiān)定口吻說：“一切都告訴我，她肯定是克里斯汀·沙爾(Kristen Schaal)。”

She was on one of our favorite shows, “The Flight of the Conchords.” We went down to walk our dog and the woman was still sitting in the park.

她是我們最喜歡的電視劇《弦樂航班》(The Flight of the Conchords)里的演員。我們下去遛狗，那女人還坐在公園里。

It was not Kristen Schaal. It could not have been less Kristen Schaal. And now we say this to each other all the time: “Everything is telling me that’s Kristen Schaal.” It is amazing how often this can be worked into conversation. This won’t be funny to anyone but the man I am not married to.

那不是克里斯汀·沙爾。她和克里斯汀·沙爾一點(diǎn)都不像。直到現(xiàn)在，我們一直拿他的話打趣：“一切都告訴我，她肯定是克里斯汀·沙爾。”我們經(jīng)常說起這句話，簡(jiǎn)直是太逗了。換了別人根本不會(huì)覺得有意思，只除了這個(gè)沒有和我結(jié)婚的男人。

Our friends recently got divorced. They had been together as long as we had, and I had thought they were happy. But you can never know what goes on between two people. I asked her, “What percentage of time would you say you were happy?”

我們的一對(duì)朋友最近離婚了，他倆的戀愛史和我倆一樣長(zhǎng)，我一直以為他們很開心。但你永遠(yuǎn)不可能知道另外兩個(gè)人之間發(fā)生的事。我問她：“你有百分之多少的時(shí)間是快樂的?”

“Twenty percent,” she said. Several weeks later, she revised her estimate: “Maybe 2 percent.”

“百分之二十，”她說。幾星期后，她更正了自己的估計(jì)：“也許百分之二吧。”

“Two!” I said. “How can a person live in a state of 2 percent happiness?”

“百分之二!”我說。 “只有百分之二的時(shí)間是幸福的，這日子還怎么過?”

“Perhaps 3,” she revised again.

“也許百分之三吧，”，她再次更正。

Hans and I are happy together most of the time. We have the usual domestic squabbles. Our most frequent argument ends with him throwing up his hands and saying, “I’m not a handyman!”

漢斯和我大部分時(shí)間都很開心。我們有也有家庭生活中常見的口角。我們的爭(zhēng)論往往以他舉起雙手說：“我可不是居家能手!”而告終。

Sometimes I think the secret to a long and happy marriage is never to get married in the first place, although there are surely married couples that are as happy as we are.

有時(shí)候我覺得，要想維持長(zhǎng)久幸福的婚姻，秘訣就是永遠(yuǎn)不要結(jié)婚，盡管肯定也有其他已婚夫婦能和我們一樣開心。

Not long ago, when a woman asked me the marriage question, I stumbled on what I believed to be the correct answer: “I have been with the same man for more than two decades, but I am not sure either of us believes in marriage.” I felt clever for stating my situation so concisely.

不久前，當(dāng)一個(gè)女人問我關(guān)于婚姻的問題時(shí)，我遲疑地說出了我自認(rèn)為正確的答案：“我同一個(gè)男人在一起已經(jīng)有二十多年了，但我不確定我倆是否相信婚姻。”我居然能夠如此簡(jiǎn)明扼要地表述自己的情況，不禁覺得自己很聰明。

“Belief,” she scoffed. “Belief is for little children and Santa Claus.” “相信，”她嗤之以鼻。 “這是為小孩和圣誕老人預(yù)備的。”

She was right. It’s just words to say I don’t believe in marriage. Having stayed with a person for more than 20 years, I must believe in marriage. I must believe that life is better in a pair than it is single.

她是對(duì)的。我只是在口頭上說自己不相信婚姻。同另一個(gè)人在一起生活了二十多年，我肯定還是相信婚姻的。我肯定是相信兩個(gè)人在一起生活要比單身生活好一點(diǎn)。

When I say I don’t believe in marriage, what I mean to say is: I understand the financial and legal benefits, but I don’t believe the government or a church or a department store registry can change the way I already feel and behave.

當(dāng)我說自己不相信婚姻的時(shí)候，我的意思是：我明白財(cái)務(wù)和法律方面的好處，但我不相信政府、教堂或百貨公司里的婚姻登記處可以改變我對(duì)事物的感受或行為方式。

Or maybe it would. Because when the law doesn’t bind you as a couple, you have to choose each other every day. And maybe the act of choosing changes a relationship for the better. But successfully married people must know this already.

或者也會(huì)吧。因?yàn)槿绻刹⒉荒軐⒛銈冏鳛榉驄D永遠(yuǎn)捆綁在一起，你們就必須每天都選擇對(duì)方。也許這種選擇的行為可以改善親密關(guān)系。 但擁有成功婚姻的人們肯定早就清楚這一點(diǎn)了。

I wake up in the morning and I look at Hans and think, I love you. I choose you above any other person. I chose you 21 years ago and I choose you today. I believe you to be a constant in my life, and I, a constant in yours. Loving you is the closest thing I have to faith. Everything is telling me that’s Kristen Schaal.

我在早晨醒來，看著漢斯，心想：我愛你，在所有人當(dāng)中，我選擇了你。我在21年前選擇了你，我在今天同樣選擇你。 我相信我的生活中永遠(yuǎn)有你，你的生活中也永遠(yuǎn)有我。愛你是我最接近于信仰的事。 一切都告訴我，她肯定是克里斯汀·沙爾。