雙語·《刀鋒》 第二章 七

CHAPTER TWO 7
第二章 七

During the next four weeks I saw little of Elliott and his relations. He did them proud.He took them for a week-end to a grand house in Sussex and for another week-end to an even grander one in Wiltshire.He took them to the royal box at the opera as guests of a minor princess of the House of Windsor.He took them to lunch and dine with the great.Isabel went to several balls.He entertained at Claridge's a series of guests whose names made a fine show in the paper next day.He gave supper parties at Ciro's and the Embassy.In fact he did all the right things and Isabel would have had to be much more sophisticated than she was not to have been a trifle dazzled by the splendour and elegance he provided for her delectation.Elliott could flatter himself that he was taking all this trouble from the purely unselfish motive of distracting Isabel's mind from an unfortunate love affair；but I had a notion he got besides a good deal of satisfaction out of letting his sister see with her own eyes how familiar he was with the illustrious and fashionable.He was an admirable host and he took a delight in displaying his virtuosity.
這以后的四個星期中，我很少見到艾略特和布雷德利夫人母女。他帶著她們四處亮相，去蘇塞克斯郡的一個大戶人家度一個周末，再到威爾特郡一戶更氣派的人家過上一個周末。他還帶她們坐在皇家包廂作為溫莎王室一個年輕公主的客人看歌?。粠齻兒痛笕宋飩円黄鸸策M午餐和晚餐。伊莎貝爾參加了好幾次舞會。他在克拉里奇酒店款待了一批批的客人，那些人的名字次日便出現(xiàn)在了報紙上顯眼的位置。他還在吉羅酒店和使館大設(shè)晚宴招待四方貴賓。事實上，他為了讓伊莎貝爾高興，該做的都做了——如果是一個涉世不太深的女孩，見了這紙醉金迷、高貴典雅的場面，免不了要感到眼花繚亂的。他可以自詡說他沒有一點私心，費盡千辛萬苦全都是為了伊莎貝爾，想讓她忘掉愛情上的不幸?？晌矣X得他恐怕別有一番用意，是想讓姐姐親眼看看他跟那些地位高貴的人以及炙手可熱的人關(guān)系是多么熟稔，從中獲得巨大的滿足感。他在待人接客方面可稱可贊，熱衷于展現(xiàn)自己的交際手腕。

I went to one or two of his parties myself and now and again I dropped in at Claridge's at six o'clock. I found Isabel surrounded by strapping young men in beautiful clothes who were in the Household Brigade or by elegant young men in less beautiful clothes from the Foreign Office.It was on one of these occasions that she drew me aside.
他舉辦的宴會我去參加過一兩次，也時常在下午六點鐘的時候去克拉里奇酒店他們的房間里坐坐。我發(fā)現(xiàn)伊莎貝爾身邊老圍著一群小伙子，有身材魁梧、衣著漂亮的御林軍軍官，也有文質(zhì)彬彬、衣著不太漂亮的外交部官員。一次這樣的場合，伊莎貝爾把我拉到了一邊。

“I want to ask you something，”she said.“Do you remember that evening we went to a drugstore and had an ice-cream soda?”
“我想問你點事?！彼f，“你可記得那天傍晚咱們倆去藥店喝冰淇淋蘇打水的事嗎？”

“Perfectly.”
“記得清清楚楚?！?/p>

“You were very nice and helpful then. Will you be nice and helpful again?”
“那次你對我很好，對我很有幫助。能不能再幫我一次呢？”

“I'll do my best.”
“愿意效力。”

“I want to talk to you about something. Couldn't we lunch one day?”
“我想和你說點事。咱們哪天一起吃頓午飯好嗎？”

“Almost any day you like.”
“你說哪一天都行?！?/p>

“Somewhere quiet.”
“找個清靜一點的地方?！?/p>

“What d'you say to driving down to Hampton Court and lunching there?The gardens should be at their best just now and you could see Queen Elizabeth's bed.”
“乘車到漢普頓宮，在那兒吃午飯怎么樣？花園里正是花開得盛的時候，還可以參觀一下伊麗莎白女王的寢室。”

The notion suited her and we fixed a day. But when the day came the weather, which had been fine and warm, broke；the sky was grey and a drizzling rain was falling.I called up and asked her if she wouldn't prefer to lunch in town.
我的建議很合乎她的心意，于是我們約定了日期?？墒堑搅四且惶?，本來晴暖的天氣突然變了臉，空中陰云密布，淅淅瀝瀝下起了小雨。我打電話給她，問她愿意不愿意在城里吃飯。

“We shouldn't be able to sit in the gardens and the pictures will be so dark, we shan't see a thing.”
“這下子，咱們沒法坐在花園里聊天了，室內(nèi)也黑乎乎的，那些畫是看不清的?！蔽艺f道。

“I've sat in lots of gardens and I'm fed to the teeth with old masters. Let's go anyway.”
“花園我去得多了，大師的名畫我也看膩煩了。還是按計劃去吧?！?/p>

“All right.”
“那好吧?！?/p>

I fetched her and we drove down. I knew a small hotel where one ate tolerably and we went straight there.On the way Isabel talked with her usual vivacity of the parties she had been to and the people she had met.She had been enjoying herself, but her comments on various acquaintances she had made suggested to me that she had shrewdness and a quick eye for the absurd.The bad weather kept visitors away and we were the only occupants of the dining-room.The hotel specialized in homely English fare and we had a cut off a leg of excellent lamb with green peas and new potatoes and a deep-dish apple pie with Devonshire cream to follow.With a tankard of pale ale it made an excellent lunch.When we had finished I suggested that we should go into the empty coffee-room where there were armchairs in which we could sit in comfort.It was chilly in there, but the fire was laid, so I put a match to it.The flames made the dingy room more companionable.
我去接她，然后我們就乘汽車走了。我知道一家小旅館，里邊提供的飯菜還可以，于是我們便直接去了那里。路上，伊莎貝爾跟平時一樣健談，講述著她所參加過的宴會以及所遇到的人。她玩得很開心?？墒?，她對自己所結(jié)交的形形色色的人卻缺乏好評，認為他們荒唐可笑，這讓我覺得她有主見、眼光獨到。下雨天，餐廳里沒人，只有我們兩個吃客。這家旅館以家常的英國菜最拿手，所以我們點了一塊好羊腿，配菜是綠豌豆和新馬鈴薯，還有用深盤子烘焙的蘋果餡餅，上面抹一些德文郡奶油。我們還喝了一大杯啤酒，叫這頓午餐頗顯豐盛。飯后，我建議去空咖啡室坐坐，那兒有扶手椅，比較舒服?？Х仁依锖畾庖u人，不過壁爐里有煤和木柴，于是我擦一根火柴將其點著。火焰讓這個陰冷的房間有了宜人的生氣。

“That's that，”I said.“Now tell me what you want to talk to me about.”
“言歸正傳吧，”我說，“把你想對我說的話講一講吧。”

“It's the same as last time，”she chuckled.“Larry.”
“要說的跟上次一樣，”她笑嘻嘻地說，“還是拉里?！?/p>

“So I guessed.”
“我猜就是這樣的?！?/p>

“You know that we've broken off our engagement.”
“你一定也知道我們解除了婚約?！?/p>

“Elliott told me.”
“艾略特跟我講了?！?/p>

“Mamma's relieved and he's delighted.”
“媽媽松了口氣，而舅舅十分開心。”

She hesitated for a moment and then embarked upon the account of her talk with Larry of which I have done my best faithfully to inform the reader. It may surprise the reader that she should have chosen to tell so much to someone whom she knew so little.I don't suppose I had seen her a dozen times and, except for that one occasion at the drugstore, never alone.It did not surprise me.For one thing, as any writer will tell you, people do tell a writer things that they don't tell others.I don't know why, unless it is that having read one or two of his books they feel on peculiarly intimate terms with him；or it may be that they dramatize themselves and, seeing themselves as it were as characters in a novel, are ready to be as open with him as they imagine the characters of his invention are.And I think that Isabel felt that I liked Larry and her, and that their youth touched me, and that I was sympathetic to their distresses.She could not expect to find a friendly listener in Elliott who was disinclined to trouble himself with a young man who had spurned the best chance a young man ever had of getting to society.Nor could her mother help her.Mrs.Bradley had high principles and common sense.Her common sense assured her that if you wanted to get on in this world you must accept its conventions, and not to do what everybody else did clearly pointed to instability.Her high principles led her to believe that a man's duty was to go to work in a business where by energy and initiative he had a chance of earning enough money to keep his wife and family in accordance with the standards of his station, give his sons such an education as would enable them on reaching man's estate to make an honest living, and on his death leave his widow adequately provided for.
說到這里，她猶豫了一下，然后就切入正題，把她和拉里的那場談話講述了一遍。關(guān)于那場談話，我已向讀者進行了如實的陳述。讀者也許會感到奇怪：她為什么會向一個自己了解不深的人傾吐心事呢？我見她也只不過有十來次，除了藥店的那次接觸，我們從未單獨交談過。其實，我對此并不感到意外。就這一點而論，恐怕所有的作家都有體會——人們不愿隨便吐露心事，卻愿意向作家敞開心扉。原因不得而知。也許是他們看了某個作家的一兩本書，便覺得跟他親密無間了，要不就是他們將自己戲劇化了，自認為是小說里的主人公，因此愿意像他杜撰的那些人物一樣對他推心置腹。還有，我覺得伊莎貝爾認為我喜歡拉里和她，認為他們的青春令我動了惻隱之心，同情他們不幸的境況。她不能指望艾略特有耐心聽她傾訴。拉里有過步入社會的絕佳機會，卻被他白白放棄了——對于這樣的一個年輕人，艾略特是不愿浪費自己的時間的。她母親也幫助不了她。布雷德利夫人有著自己的處世原則和做事標準。根據(jù)她的做事標準，一個人要想在這個世界站住腳跟，就應(yīng)該按常規(guī)行事，而非拒絕聽別人的勸告，去做一些不牢靠的事情。她的處世原則使她堅信：一個男人有責(zé)任去一家公司工作，靠自身的聰明才智積累一筆財富，按照符合自己地位的生活標準養(yǎng)家糊口，使兒子們受到適當教育，讓他們長大后能體面地生活，自己死后能叫妻子過上衣食無憂的日子。

Isabel had a good memory and the various turns of the long discussion had engraved themselves upon it. I listened in silence till she had finished.She only interrupted herself once to ask me a question.
伊莎貝爾記性好，把那次長談中的許多細節(jié)都記得一清二楚。我默默地聽她娓娓道來，一直聽到最后。中間，她僅僅中斷了一次，問了我一個問題。

“Who was Ruysdael?”
“勒伊斯達爾是什么人？”

“Ruysdael?He was a Dutch landscape painter. Why?”
“勒伊斯達爾？他是荷蘭的一個風(fēng)景畫家。怎么啦？”

She told me that Larry had mentioned him. He had said that Ruysdael at least had found an answer to the questions he was asking, and she repeated to me his flippant reply when she had inquired who he was.
她說拉里在談話中提到了此人。根據(jù)拉里的說法，勒伊斯達爾至少對他關(guān)心的問題找到了一個答案。當時，伊莎貝爾曾問此人是誰，拉里的回答卻輕描淡寫。伊莎貝爾把拉里的回答對我重復(fù)了一遍。

“What d'you suppose he meant?”
“你覺得他是什么意思呢？”

I had an inspiration.
我忽然若有所悟。

“Are you sure he didn't say Ruysbroek?”
“你看他會不會說的是魯斯布魯克？”

“He might have. Who was he?”
“也許是吧。他是什么人？”

“He was a Flemish mystic who lived in the fourteenth century.”
“是一個生活在十四世紀的佛蘭芒神秘主義者?！?/p>

“Oh，”she said with disappointment.
“噢，原來如此?！币辽悹栍悬c失望地說。

It meant nothing to her. But it meant something to me.That was the first indication I had of the turn Larry's reflection was taking, and while she went on with her story, though still listening attentively, part of my mind busied itself with the possibilities that reference of his had suggested.I did not want to make too much of it, for it might be that he had only mentioned the name of the Ecstatic Teacher to make an argumentative point；it might also have a significance that had escaped Isabel.When he answered her question by saying Ruysbroek was just a guy he hadn't known in college he evidently meant to throw her off the scent.
這一細節(jié)對伊莎貝爾倒沒有什么，對我卻有所啟示。我總算找到了一點線索，有益于把握拉里的思想脈絡(luò)。我一邊注意聽她講述，一邊琢磨著拉里提及此人究竟意味著什么。我不愿過度解讀此事，因為拉里當時提到那位狂熱的精神導(dǎo)師，很可能僅僅是借他以引證自己的觀點。也許其中自有深意，伊莎貝爾沒聽出來罷了。拉里回答她的提問時，說魯斯布魯克是學(xué)校里的一個人，他并不認識，這顯然是不想叫伊莎貝爾再追問下去。

“What do you make of it all?”she asked when she had come to an end.
“此事你怎么看？”伊莎貝爾講述完之后問我。

I paused before replying.
我想了想，然后才說道：

“D'you remember his saying that he was just going to loaf?If what he tells you is true his loafing seems to involve some very strenuous work.”
“你還記得他說過自己要逛大街嗎？假如告訴你的那些話屬實，那么，這種‘逛大街’就是漫長而艱苦的過程了?！?/p>

“I'm sure it's true. But don't you see that if he'd worked as hard at any productive form of work he'd be earning a decent income?”
“我敢肯定他說的是實話。但你不覺得他如果把這么大的精力都花在有意義的工作上，就能有可觀的收入嗎？”

“There are people who are strangely constituted. There are criminals who'll work like beavers to contrive schemes that land them in prison and they no sooner get out than they start all over again and again land in prison.If they put as much industry, as much cleverness, resource, and patience into honest practices they could make a handsome living and occupy important positions.But they're just made that way.They like crime.”
“有些人生性就是那樣古怪。一些罪犯苦心經(jīng)營，機關(guān)算盡，結(jié)果鋃鐺入獄，可一出來他們又故態(tài)復(fù)萌，到頭來還是吃牢飯。以他們的勤奮、聰明、意志和耐心，如果干正當?shù)臓I生，完全可以招財進寶，在社會上占據(jù)重要的位置。可是，江山易改，本性難移。他們就喜歡作奸犯科。”

“Poor Larry，”she giggled.“You're not going to suggest that he's learning Greek to cook up a bank robbery.”
“可憐的拉里。”她咯咯笑了起來，“你不是在說他學(xué)習(xí)希臘語，目的是為了搶銀行吧？”

I laughed too.
我也笑了。

“No, I'm not. What I'm trying to tell you is that there are men who are possessed by an urge so strong to do some particular thing that they can't help themselves, they've got to do it.They're prepared to sacrifice everything to satisfy their yearning.”
“不，我不是這個意思。我是想說有些人做事像走火入魔，不能夠自已，不達目的誓不罷休。為了滿足內(nèi)心的渴望，他們什么都可以犧牲?！?/p>

“Even the people who love them?”
“連愛他們的人都可以拿來作為犧牲品？”

“Oh, yes.”
“哦，是這么回事?！?/p>

“Is that anything more than plain selfishness?”
“這不明明是自私的表現(xiàn)嘛。除此之外，還會是什么呢？”

“I wouldn't know，”I smiled.
“我也弄不清。”我笑笑說。

“What can be the possible use of Larry's learning dead languages?”
“拉里學(xué)習(xí)僵死的語言能有什么用處？”

“Some people have a disinterested desire for knowledge. It's not an ignoble desire.”
“有些人追求知識沒有功利目的。說來這種欲望也沒什么可指責(zé)的。”

“What's the good of knowledge if you're not going to do anything with it?”
“學(xué)了知識卻不打算利用，那有什么意義呢？”

“Perhaps he is. Perhaps it will be sufficient satisfaction merely to know, as it's a sufficient satisfaction to an artist to produce a work of art.And perhaps it's only a step towards something further.”
“他的情況也許就是這樣的。學(xué)習(xí)知識也許僅僅是為了心理上的滿足，就跟藝術(shù)家能創(chuàng)造一件藝術(shù)品而感到心里充實一樣。或者將其視為階梯，以后謀求長足的發(fā)展?！?/p>

“If he wanted knowledge why couldn't he go to college when he came back from the war?It's what Dr. Nelson and Mamma wanted him to do.”
“如果他渴望追求知識，那他從戰(zhàn)場歸來時，為什么不上大學(xué)呢？納爾遜醫(yī)生和我媽媽就是這樣勸他的?！?/p>

“I talked to him about that in Chicago. A degree would be of no use to him.I have an inkling that he had a definite idea of what he wanted and felt he couldn't get it at a university.You know, in learning there's the lone wolf as well as the wolf who runs in the pack.I think Larry is one of those persons who can go no other way than their own.”
“我在芝加哥時跟他談過。學(xué)位對他沒有用處。我有一種感覺，認為他對自己的目標是胸有成竹的，他覺得上大學(xué)實現(xiàn)不了自己的目標。要知道，在求知的道路上，有獨行者，也有結(jié)伴而行的人。我認為拉里這種人寧愿走自己的獨木橋，也不愿走別人的陽光道?！?/p>

“I remember once asking him if he wanted to write. He laughed and said he had nothing to write about.”
“記得有一次我問他想不想寫作。他付之一笑，說他沒有素材可寫。”

“That's the most inconclusive reason for not writing that I've ever heard，”I smiled.
“若論不情愿寫作，那是我所聽到過的最站不住腳的理由?！蔽倚α诵φf。

Isabel made a gesture of impatience. She was in no mood even for the mildest jest.
伊莎貝爾動了動身子，顯得有點不耐煩。她沒心聽我說笑，哪怕是最輕松的調(diào)侃也不愿聽。

“What I can't make out is why he should have turned out like this. Before the war he was just like everybody else.You wouldn't think it, but he plays a very good game of tennis and he's quite a decent golfer.He used to do all the things the rest of us did.He was a perfectly normal boy and there was no reason to suppose he wouldn't become a perfectly normal man.After all you're a novelist, you ought to be able to explain it.”
“他成了今天這種樣子，實在叫人費解。戰(zhàn)爭爆發(fā)前，他跟別的人是沒有什么兩樣的。說出來你也不會相信——他網(wǎng)球打得很好，打高爾夫球也是一把好手。大家干什么，他也干什么，完全是個很正常的孩子。那樣的孩子將來不可能不成長為一個正正常常的男子漢。你是個小說家嘛，應(yīng)該能夠解釋得清楚?！?/p>

“Who am I to explain the infinite complexities of human nature?”
“人性極其復(fù)雜，我才疏學(xué)淺，怎么能解釋得清呢？”

“That's why I wanted to talk to you today，”she added, taking no notice of what I said.
“今天我約你來，就是想聽聽你的見解?！彼龥]理會我的話，自顧自地說道。

“Are you unhappy?”
“你是不是感到不開心？”

“No, not exactly unhappy. When Larry isn't there I'm all right；it's when I'm with him that I feel so weak.Now it's just a sort of ache, like the stiffness you get after a long ride when you haven’t been on a horse for months；it’s not pain, it’s not at all unbearable, but you’re conscious of it.I shall get over it all right.I hate the idea of Larry making such a mess of his life.”
“不，不能說是不開心。拉里不在跟前，我也挺好的。和他在一起，我老覺得自己很軟弱?，F(xiàn)在我只感到有些不舒服，就好像數(shù)月沒騎馬，這次卻騎馬跑了很遠的路，渾身發(fā)硬。這不是那種疼痛感，也并非忍受不了，但是卻在折磨著你。我終究會挺過去的。我所無法容忍的是，拉里把他的生活搞得一團糟。”

“Perhaps he won't. It's a long, arduous road he's starting to travel, but it may be that at the end of it he'll find what he's seeking.”
“也許并非如此。他踏上了一條漫長、艱辛的道路，踽踽而行，但最終他會找到自己所追求的東西的?！?/p>

“What's that?”
“那是什么呢？”

“Hasn't it occurred to you?It seems to me that in what he said to you he indicated it pretty plainly. God.”
“你難道沒有想到過？從他告訴你的那些話看來，他的意思已經(jīng)很明顯了。他要找的是上帝?！?/p>

“God！”she cried. But it was an exclamation of incredulous surprise.Our use of the same word, but in such a different sense, had a comic effect, so that we were obliged to laugh.But Isabel immediately grew serious again and I felt in her whole attitude something like fear.“What on earth makes you think that?”
“上帝！”她叫出了聲?？墒?，她這一句是驚嘆語，表達的是意外和難以相信的心情。我們用了同一字眼，但是，意義卻完全兩樣，因此而產(chǎn)生了一種喜劇效果，使得我們都笑了起來。但是，伊莎貝爾立刻又嚴肅起來。我覺得她的整個表情里帶有一種恐懼?！澳阍趺磿氲竭@個？”

“I'm only guessing. But you asked me to tell you what I thought as a novelist.Unfortunately you don't know whatexperience he had in the war that so profoundly moved him.I think it was some sudden shock for which he was unprepared.I suggest to you that whatever it was that happened to Larry filled him with a sense of the transiency of life, and an anguish to be sure that there was a compensation for the sin and sorrow of the world.”
“我只是猜想罷了。你不是要我談?wù)勛约鹤鳛橐粋€小說家的看法嘛?？上悴⒉涣私猓趹?zhàn)爭中究竟是什么樣的經(jīng)歷深深觸動了他。我認為他是突然經(jīng)受了某種打擊，一種出乎他意料之外的打擊。依我看，不管他發(fā)生了什么事情，反正他因此而感到人生無常，也因此而感到痛苦。他相信總會有一種救世良方，使這個世界擺脫罪惡和痛苦。”

I could see that Isabel didn't like the turn I had given the conversation. It made her feel shy and awkward.
我看得出伊莎貝爾不喜歡我把話頭轉(zhuǎn)到這上面，這使得她忐忑不安。

“Isn't all that awfully morbid?One has to take the world as it comes. If we're here, it's surely to make the most of life.”
“這恐怕有點太不正常了吧？應(yīng)該以現(xiàn)實的眼光看待問題才對。既然來到這個世上，就應(yīng)該想著把日子過好。”

“You're probably right.”
“也許你是對的?！?/p>

“I don't pretend to be anything but a perfectly normal, ordinary girl. I want to have fun.”
“老實說，我只是一個普通女孩，一個再普通不過的女孩。我只想把日子過得開心一些?！?/p>

“It looks as though there were complete incompatibility of temper between you. It's much better that you should have found it out before marriage.”
“看來你們倆在性情上完全不般配。在結(jié)婚之前能發(fā)現(xiàn)這一點是非常好的?！?/p>

“I want to marry and have children and live—”
“我想結(jié)婚生孩子，生活得……”

“In that state of life in which a merciful Providence has been pleased to place you，”I interrupted, smiling.
“仁慈的上帝很高興為你安排這樣的生活?！蔽掖驍嗨脑挘χf道。

“Well, there's no harm in that, is there?It's a very pleasant state and I'm quite satisfied with it.”
“哦，這樣的生活沒有什么不好的，是不是？這是一種愉快的生活，叫我心滿意足?！?/p>

“You're like two friends who want to take their holiday together, but one of them wants to climb Greenland's icy mountains while the other wants to fish off India's coral strand. Obviously it's not going to work.”
“你們就像兩個朋友要一起去度假期，可是，一個要爬格陵蘭的雪山，另一個要到印度的珊瑚礁上去釣魚。這顯然是行不通的?！?/p>

“Anyway, I might get a sealskin coat off Greenland's icy mountains, and I think it's very doubtful if there are any fish off India's coral strand.”
“不管怎么說，我去格陵蘭爬雪山，說不定能獲得一件海豹皮大衣，至于在印度的珊瑚礁上能不能釣到魚，恐怕就很值得懷疑了?！?/p>

“That remains to be seen.”
“那得等著看了。”

“Why d'you say that?”she asked, frowning a little.“All the time you seem to be making some sort of mental reservation. Of course I know that I'm not playing the star part in this.Larry's got that.He's the idealist, he's the dreamer of a beautiful dream, and even if the dream doesn’t come true, it’s rather thrilling to have dreamt it.I’m cast for the hard, mercenary, practical part.Common sense is never very sympathetic, is it?But what you forget is that it’s I who’d have to pay.Larry would sweep along, trailing clouds of glory, and all there’d be left for me would be to tag along and make both ends meet.I want to live.”
“你為什么這樣說呢？”她微微皺了皺眉頭問道，“一直以來，你好像說話喜歡留半句。我當然心里有數(shù)，知道自己并非唱主角的。唱主角的是拉里。他是個理想主義者，懷揣最美麗的夢想，即便是空夢一場，也會叫追夢人心曠神怡。我的角色是個唯利是圖、庸俗不堪的小人。人們一般是不會同情這種人的，對不對？但請別忘了，吃虧的是我。拉里會昂首前行，夢游彩云間，讓我跟在后邊苦熬歲月。我所需要的是正常的生活。”

“I don't forget that at all. Years ago, when I was young, I knew a man who was a doctor, and not a bad one either, but he didn't practise.He spent years burrowing away in the library of the British Museum and at long intervals produced a huge pseudo-scientific, pseudo-philosophical book that nobody read and that he had to publish at his own expense.He wrote four or five of them before he died and they were absolutely worthless.He had a son who wanted to go into the army, but there was no money to send him to Sandhurst, so he had to enlist.He was killed in the war.He had a daughter too.She was very pretty and I was rather taken with her.She went on the stage, but she had no talent and she traipsed around the provinces playing small parts in second-rate companies at a miserable salary.His wife, after years of dreary, sordid drudgery, broke down in health and the girl had to come home and nurse her and take on the drudgery her mother no longer had the strength for.Wasted, thwarted lives and all to no purpose.It's a toss-up when you decide to leave the beaten track.Many are called but few are chosen.”
“我哪能忘了呢。多年前，當我還年輕的時候，我認識一個醫(yī)生，醫(yī)術(shù)不錯，但他并不開業(yè)行醫(yī)，卻經(jīng)年泡在大英博物館的圖書館里，隔上一段時間就寫出一本厚書來，既不像科學(xué)書也不像哲學(xué)書，由于沒人看，只好自費印刷。離開人世之前，他寫了四五本這樣的書，沒有任何價值。他有個兒子想進軍界，可他沒有錢送兒子進桑赫斯特軍事學(xué)院學(xué)習(xí)，那孩子只好報名入伍，后來戰(zhàn)死于疆場。他還有個女兒，長得很漂亮，叫我很是著迷。她是個演戲的，卻沒有演戲的天賦，只好跟著二流劇團跑江湖，在戲里邊演演配角，掙的錢少得可憐。他的妻子操勞多年，干的是牛馬活，身體完全崩潰了，女兒只好回家照料她，代替她做她已無力支撐的繁重的家務(wù)活。這樣的日子苦難接連不斷，浪費了大好光陰，最后一無所得。當你決定偏離眾人所走的道路，另辟蹊徑時，就等于是一場賭博。標新立異者為數(shù)不少，成功者寥寥無幾。”

“Mother and Uncle Elliott approve of what I've done. Do you approve too?”
“我的決定，媽媽和艾略特舅舅是贊成的。你呢？”

“My dear, what can that matter to you?I'm almost a stranger to you.”
“親愛的，我怎么看對你有什么關(guān)系呢？我對你幾乎可以說是個陌生的人?！?/p>

“I look upon you as a disinterested observer，”she said, with a pleasant smile.“I should like to have your approval. You do think I've done right, don't you?”
“我把你看作是一個不偏不倚的觀察者。”她嫣然一笑說，“我還是想得到你的認可的。你覺得我這樣做對不對？”

“I think you've done right for you，”I said, fairly confident that she would not catch the slight distinction I made in my reply.
“為了你自己，你算是做對了?！蔽一卮饡r，深信她不會聽出我話中有話。

“Then why have I a bad conscience?”
“那我為什么總覺得良心不安呢？”

“Have you?”
“是嗎？”

With a smile still on her lips, but a slightly rueful smile now, she nodded.
她點點頭。她嘴邊仍掛著微笑，但那微笑中含著幾分悲傷。

“I know it's only horse sense. I know that every reasonable person would agree that I've done the only possible thing.I know that from every practical standpoint, from the standpoint of worldly wisdom, from the standpoint ofcommon decency, from the standpoint of what's right and wrong, I've done what I ought to do.And yet at the bottom of my heart I've got an uneasy feeling that if I were better, if I were more disinterested, more unselfish, nobler, I’d marry Larry and lead his life.If I only loved him enough I’d think the world well lost.”
“我知道這是合乎常理的。任何有理性的人，都會認為這是我唯一可行的路。不管是從實際情況的角度看，從人情世故的角度看，從道德規(guī)范的角度看，抑或是以是非的標準衡量，我的決定都是理所應(yīng)當?shù)摹Ｈ欢?，在我的?nèi)心深處，我卻有一種惴惴不安的感覺，覺得我如果對拉里好一些，少幾分斤斤計較，少幾分自私，多一些高尚，我就會和他結(jié)婚，過他的那種生活。如果我真的愛他，就會淡視世俗利益?！?/p>

“You might put it the other way about. If he loved you enough he wouldn't have hesitated to do what you want.”
“也可以把話倒過來說——如果他真的愛你，他就會毫不猶豫地按你的意思行事了?！?/p>

“I've said that to myself too. But it doesn't help.I suppose it's more in woman's nature to sacrifice herself than in a man's.”She chuckled.“Ruth and the alien corn and all that sort of thing.”
“我也這么想過。可這是行不通的。我覺得與男性相比，女性天生更富于自我犧牲的精神。”她說完嘻嘻一笑，“就像路得到異鄉(xiāng)謀生時那樣?！?/p>

“Why don't you risk it?”
“那你為什么不試一下呢？”

We had been talking quite lightly, almost as if we were having a casual conversation about people we both knew but in whose affairs we were not intimately concerned, and even when she narrated to me her talk with Larry, Isabel had spoken with a sort of breezy gaiety, enlivening it with humour, as if she did not want me to take what she said too seriously. But now she went pale.
我們的談話一直是在很輕松的氣氛中進行的，語氣隨隨便便的，仿佛在談?wù)撘粋€雙方都認識的熟人，卻對那個熟人并不是特別關(guān)心在意。伊莎貝爾甚至在向我陳述她跟拉里的那次談話時，也顯得樂呵呵的，時不時還加一些幽默的話語進去，就好像并不想讓我把她的話太當真似的?？墒乾F(xiàn)在聽我這么一問，她的臉色變了。

“I'm afraid.”
“我怕呀?！?/p>

For a while we were silent. A chill went down my spine as it strangely does when I am confronted with deep and genuine human emotion.I find it terrible and rather awe-inspiring.
我們倆沉默了一會兒，誰都沒有吱聲。我的脊梁骨起了一陣涼意——每當遇到深刻、真實的感情問題時，我都會有這種奇怪的反應(yīng)。我覺得這是一個可怕的時刻，一個震撼靈魂的時刻。

“Do you love him very much?”I asked at last.
“你非常愛他嗎？”末了，我問了她這么一句。

“I don't know. I'm impatient with him.I'm exasperated with him.I keep longing for him.”
“我不知道。我對他很不耐煩，生他的氣，但是卻渴望和他在一起?！?/p>

Silence again fell upon us. I didn't know what to say.The coffee-room in which we sat was small, and heavy lace curtains over the window shut out the light.On the walls, covered with yellow marbled paper, were old sporting prints.With its mahogany furniture, its shabby leather chairs, and its musty smell, it was strangely reminiscent of a coffee-room in a Dickens novel.I poked the fire and put more coal on it.Isabel suddenly began to speak.
說到這里，我們又沉默了下來。我真不知道再說什么好。我們坐的咖啡室面積很小，厚厚的花邊窗簾遮住了外面的光線。墻上糊著黃顏色的大理石花紋壁紙，掛著幾幅陳舊的游獵圖。再加上幾件紅木家具、寒磣的皮椅和一股霉味，會叫人莫名其妙地聯(lián)想到狄更斯小說里的咖啡室。我用撥火棍撥了撥壁爐里的火，又添了些煤。這時，伊莎貝爾突然開了口。

“You see, I thought when it came to a showdown he'd knuckle under. I knew he was weak.”
“當時，我以為向他攤了牌，他就會服輸，因為我知道他是很軟弱的。”

“Weak?”I cried.“What made you think that?A man who for a year withstood the disapproval of all his friends and associates because he was determined to go his own way.”
“軟弱？”我叫出了聲，“你怎么會有這種想法？他這種人一旦決定走自己的路，就會義無反顧，根本不理會親友的反對之聲。”

“I could always do anything I wanted with him. I could turn him round my little finger.He was never a leader in the things we did.He just tagged along with the crowd.”
“過去只要我叫他做什么，他就做什么。我能夠輕而易舉地指揮他。不管干什么事情，他都屈居別人之下，跟在別人的后邊轉(zhuǎn)?！?/p>

I had lit a cigarette and watched the smoke ring I had made. It grew larger and larger and then faded away into the air.
我點著一根煙，吐了個煙圈，看著那煙圈越變越大，最后消失在空氣里。

“Mamma and Elliott thought it very wrong of me to go about with him afterwards as though nothing had happened, but I didn't take it very seriously. I kept on thinking up to the end that he'd yield.I couldn't believe that when he'd got it into his thick head that I meant what I said he wouldn't give in.”She hesitated and gave me a smile of roguish, playful malice.“Will you be awfully shocked if I tell you something?”
“媽媽和艾略特舅舅認為我絕對不該在解除婚約后還跟著他到處亂跑，像沒事人似的。而我覺得這并沒有什么大不了的。我一直心懷希望，指望著拉里最終會服輸。我不相信，當他那死腦袋瓜意識到我講的話算數(shù)時，他會不讓步?！闭f到此處，她停頓了一下，然后沖我一笑，樣子又頑皮又狡黠，“我告訴你一件事情，你不會感到吃驚吧？”

“I think it very unlikely.”
“我想不會的?！?/p>

“When we decided to come to London I called Larry and asked him if we couldn't spend my last evening in Paris together. When I told them, Uncle Elliott said it was most improper and Mamma said she thought it unnecessary.When Mamma says something is unnecessary it means she thoroughly disapproves.Uncle Elliott asked me what the idea was and I said we were going to dine somewhere and then make a tour of the night clubs.He told Mamma she ought to forbid me to go.Mamma said，‘Will you pay any attention if I forbid you to go?'‘No, darling，'I said，‘none.'Then she said，‘That is what I imagined.In that case there doesn't seem to be much point in my forbidding it.’”
“在我們決定來倫敦之后，我去見了拉里，請他和我一道度過在巴黎的最后一個晚上。當我把此事告訴家里人時，艾略特舅舅說這非常不得體，媽媽則說沒這個必要，意思就是她完全不贊成。艾略特舅舅問我究竟想干什么，我說只不過和拉里在一起吃頓飯，然后去夜總會看看。他建議媽媽禁止我去。于是媽媽對我說：‘如果我禁止你去，你會聽嗎？’我回答說：‘親愛的媽媽，我不會聽的?！酉聛碚f：‘我猜著你就不會聽。既然如此，我禁止你去，好像意義就不大了?！?/p>

“Your mother appears to be a woman of enormous sense.”
“你母親像是個很有頭腦的人。”

“I don't believe she misses much. When Larry called for me I went into her room to say good night to her.I'd made up a bit；you know, you have to in Paris or else you look so naked, and when she saw the dress I had on, I had an uneasy suspicion from the way she took me in from top to toe that she had a pretty shrewd idea what I was after.But she didn't say anything.She just kissed me and said she hoped I'd have a good time.”
“我敢說很少有事情能逃過她的眼睛。拉里來接我時，我到她房間里跟她說再見。當時，我稍微打扮了一下。你知道，在巴黎非得如此不可，不然的話看上去就像光著身子。她看見我身上穿的那身衣服時，把我從頭到腳掃了幾眼，弄得我局促不安。我懷疑她有一雙慧眼，看穿了我的心思。不過，她什么也沒有說，只是吻了我一下，說她希望我玩得開心?！?/p>

“What were you after?”
“你有什么心思？”

Isabel looked at me doubtfully, as though she couldn't quite decide how frank she was prepared to be.
伊莎貝爾遲疑地望著我，好像決定不了是不是對我應(yīng)該再坦誠一些。

“I didn't think I was looking too bad and it was my last chance. Larry had reserved a table at Maxim's.We had lovely things to eat, all the things I particularly liked, and we had champagne.We talked our heads off, at least I did, and I made Larry laugh.One of the things I've liked about him is that I can always amuse him.We danced.When we'd had enough of that we went on to the Chateau de Madrid.We found some people we knew and joined them and we had more champagne.Then we all went to the Acacia.Larry dances quite well, and we fit.The heat and the music and the wine-I was getting a bit light-headed.I felt absolutely reckless.I danced with my face against Larry’s and I knew he wanted me.God knows I wanted him.I had an idea.I suppose it had been at the back of my mind all the time.I thought I’d get him to come home with me and once I’d got him there, well, it was almost inevitable that the inevitable should happen.”
“我當時感到自己看上去還是挺不錯的，覺得那是我的最后一次機會了。拉里在馬克西姆飯店預(yù)訂了一張桌子。我們大快朵頤，吃了很多美味，都是我特別喜歡吃的，還喝了香檳酒。我們海闊天空地談著——至少我是這樣的，引得拉里哈哈大笑。我就喜歡他這一點——一聽我說話，他就開心得不得了。然后，我們倆就跳舞，跳夠了便跑到馬德里堡玩。在那兒碰見幾個熟人，大家一起碰杯把盞，喝了些香檳酒。后來，我們又去了金合歡歌舞廳。拉里的舞跳得很棒，我們倆配合默契。大廳里很熱，再加上音樂聲和酒勁，我感到暈暈乎乎的，心里有些躁動不安。跳舞時，我和拉里臉貼著臉。我知道他想得到我。老天爺清楚，我也想得到他。我心生一計。其實那種想法早就藏在我的心里了。我覺得應(yīng)該帶他回酒店。到了那里，就不可避免地會出現(xiàn)一些插曲?！?/p>

“Upon my word you couldn't put it more delicately.”
“我敢肯定，你這樣說是很含蓄的了。”

“My room was quite a way from Uncle Elliott's and Mamma's, so I knew there was no risk. When we were back in America I thought I'd write and say I was going to have a baby.He'd be obliged to come back and marry me, and when I'd got him home I didn’t believe it would be hard to keep him there, especially with Mamma ill.‘What a fool I am not to have thought of that before，’I said to myself.‘Of course that’ll settle everything.’When the music stopped I just stayed there in his arms.Then I said it was getting late and we had to take the train at noon, so we’d better go.We got into a taxi.I nestled close to him and he put his arms around me and kissed me.He kissed me, he kissed me-oh, it was heaven.It hardly seemed a moment before the taxi stopped at the door.Larry paid it. “‘I shall walk home，'he said. “The taxi rattled off and I put my arms round his neck. “‘Won't you come up and have one last drink?'I said. “‘Yes, if you like，'he said. “He'd rung the bell and the door swung open. He switched on the light as we stepped in.I looked into his eyes.They were so trusting, so honest, so-so guileless;he so obviously hadn't the smallest idea that I was laying a trap for him;I felt I couldn't play him such a dirty trick.It was like taking candy off a child.D'you know what I did?I said，‘Oh well, perhaps you'd better not.Mamma’s not very well tonight and if she’s fallen asleep I don’t want to wake her up.Good night.’I put my face up for him to kiss and pushed him out of the door.That was the end of that.”
“我的房間距離艾略特舅舅的房間以及媽媽的房間都隔著一段路，因此我認為沒有危險。等我們回到美國之后，我想我可以寫信告訴拉里，就說我懷孕了。那時他就只好回去和我結(jié)婚了。我敢說把他留在美國并不難，特別是有媽媽患病在身這個理由。我當時心里嘀咕：‘我真蠢，怎么以前沒想到這一計。這樣一來，所有的問題都會迎刃而解的?！诟栉鑿d里，音樂停下來時，我仍依偎在他的懷里。后來我說時間晚了，明天中午我們還要趕火車呢，最好回去吧。我們坐進了一輛出租車。我緊靠在他身上，他用胳膊摟緊我，吻了吻我。他吻了又吻，吻了又吻——啊，那感覺真好。好像沒多大一會兒，出租車就停在了酒店門前。拉里付了車費。這時只聽他說：‘等會兒我走路回去?！嚱^塵而去，我伸出胳膊摟緊他的脖子說：‘進去再喝一杯怎么樣？’他回答說：‘恭敬不如從命?！麚辶碎T鈴，大門打開了。待我們進了大廳，他把電燈扭亮。我看看他的眼睛——那雙眼睛充滿了信任，那樣誠實，那樣天真無邪。顯而易見，他絲毫沒有覺察到我為他設(shè)了個圈套。我覺得自己不能對他玩如此卑鄙的花招，這就像用糖果欺騙一個小孩一樣。你猜我后來是怎么處理的？我對他說：‘哦，也許你還是別上去了的好。媽媽今晚不太舒服。如果她睡著了，我不愿把她吵醒。晚安！’我仰起臉讓他吻了吻，然后把他推出了門。這就是結(jié)局?！?/p>

“Are you sorry?”I asked.
“你感到遺憾嗎？”我問。

“I'm neither pleased nor sorry. I just couldn't help myself.It wasn't me that did what I did.It was just an impulse that took possession of me and acted for me.”She grinned.“I suppose you'd call it my better nature.”
“既不高興，也不遺憾。我只是身不由己罷了。我那樣做，并非出自我的意愿，而是有一種力量左右了我，驅(qū)使著我行事?！彼笭栆恍Γ耙苍S你會稱之為良心發(fā)現(xiàn)吧?！?/p>

“I suppose you would.”
“我想你可以這樣說。”

“Then my better nature must take the consequences. I trust in the future it'll be more careful.”
“那么，我的良心就只好自食其果了。我相信，它以后會倍加小心的?！?/p>

That was in effect the end of our talk. It may be that it was some consolation to Isabel to have been able to speak to someone with entire freedom, but that was all the good I had been able to do her.Feeling I had been inadequate, I tried to say at least some small thing that would give her comfort.
我們的談話實際上就這樣結(jié)束了。能敞開心扉跟人交談，這對伊莎貝爾多少是一種安慰。而我?guī)筒簧厦?，只能聽她講講而已。我覺得自己有愧于她的信任，想找?guī)拙湓挵参堪参克?/p>

“You know, when one's in love，”I said，“and things go all wrong, one's terribly unhappy and one thinks one won't ever get over it. But you'll be astounded to learn what the sea will do.”
“要知道，一旦墜入愛河，”我說道，“你會覺得不可自拔，陷入深深的苦惱之中，好像永無擺脫之日?？墒?，看看大海，你就會心有所悟的?！?/p>

“What do you mean?”she smiled.
“此話怎講？”她笑著問。

“Well, love isn't a good sailor and it languishes on a sea voyage. You'll be surprised when you have the Atlantic between you and Larry to find how slight the pang is that before you sailed seemed intolerable.”
“哦，愛情就像一個很差勁的水手，一旦航行，它便痛苦不堪?？墒?，如果你抵達大西洋彼岸，跟拉里隔海相望，你會意外地發(fā)現(xiàn)啟航前那種無法忍受的痛苦突然變得微不足道了。”

“Do you speak from experience?”
“這是你的經(jīng)驗之談嗎？”

“From the experience of a stormy past. When I suffered from the pangs of unrequited love I immediately got on an ocean liner.”
“這是一個歷盡滄桑的人的經(jīng)驗之談。一旦情場失意，陷入痛苦之中時，我就立刻乘船遠航?！?/p>

The rain showed no sign of letting up, so we decided that Isabel could survive without seeing the noble pile of Hampton Court or even Queen Elizabeth's bed, and drove back to London. I saw her two or three times after that, but only when other people were present, and then, having had enough of London for a while, I set off for the Tyrol.
雨仍在淅淅瀝瀝下個不停。我們覺得就是不去參觀漢普頓宮的那些皇家宮殿，甚至不去看伊麗莎白女王的寢室，伊莎貝爾照樣能夠活下去，于是我們乘車返回了倫敦城。這以后，我又見過伊莎貝爾兩三次面，但都有他人在場。等到在倫敦住了一段時間后，我便啟程到蒂羅爾去了。