雙語·老屋子 第十二章

Chapter 12

When Cordt had fnished telling the story of the old room, he sat by the window and looked across the square, where the dusk was gathering about the newly-lighted lamps.

The servant entered noiselessly and lit the chandelier and went out noiselessly again. And the light flled the whole of the room and fell upon Cordt, who sat and gazed before him, and upon Finn, who stood by him with his eyes fxed on his face.

But Finn and Cordt were not where the light found them.

They were in the wonderful mystery of the old room. They heard the rippling of the fountain outside in the silent square; they saw the blaze of the red fowers on the balcony. The slender notes of the spinet sounded in their ears; Fru Adelheid's white gown rustled over the foor.

And, when Cordt turned his face towards his son, he appeared to Finn as a very big, old man; and Finn seemed to Cordt the little child that once lay and laughed in the cradle and fought with its little fat fsts.

Then Cordt stood up and took Finn's arm and they walked to and fro, silent, overcome with what they had seen and afraid lest they should shatter the dream by speaking.

They walked for some time. And, when, at length, they stopped before the window, which was dewed with the heat, so that theycould see nothing through it, Cordt remembered that there was still something which Finn ought to know and which he could not ask about.

He looked at Finn and remembered how he had loved his mother.

It was her eyes, but more restful-looking; her mouth, but paler and tired, as though it had tried a thousand times to say something which it never could. He had her slender waist and he was taller than Cordt, but carried his height like a burden. Then he also had Fru Adelheid's pale cheeks and forehead, but Cordt's hair, only thicker still and blacker.

“Finn,”said Cordt and laid his hands on his shoulders.

Finn started and could not look at him. But Cordt took him under the chin and lifted his head and looked with a sad smile into his frightened eyes:

“There is only one thing left to tell you, Finn…Fru Adelheid did not take a lover.”

His smile widened when he saw his son's sudden and great joy; and he drew him to him and kissed him.

But then he suddenly left him and sat down somewhere in the room, with his back to him. Finn followed him and stood by him for a while and thought kindly and fondly of him and could fnd nothing to say.

The thoughts rushed through Cordt's head.

Now that he had lived through it all anew, the scab broke which the silence of many years had placed upon the wound in his will. His eyes grew hard and angry, he wanted to speak as he used to speak when he fought his hopeless fght for Fru Adelheid.

But then his glance fell upon Finn.

He sat as he liked best to sit, with bent head and his hands open upon his knees.

And Cordt grew gentle again and said, softly:

“You are glad, of course. For, you see, she is your mother.”

He crossed the room and came back and stood with his arm over the back of the chair and looked at Finn, who was lost in his thoughts. It was silent in the room and silent outside, for it was Sunday. They could hear the bells ringing for evening service.

“She never secured the red flowers in the place of the blue which she valued so little,”said Cordt,“I don't know…I often thought…”

The bells rang out.

There was one that was quite close and one that was farther away, but louder, nevertheless. And there was a sound of distant bells which could not be distinguished from one another, but which sang in the air.

It sounded louder than it was, because they were thinking of it; and the ringing grew and flled the room with its deafening clamor.

Then there came a rumbling in the gateway. The carriage drove out in the soft snow, where they could not hear it.

“That's Fru Adelheid going to church,”said Cordt.

He sat down by his son and began to talk in a low voice and without looking at him.

The bells rang and then suddenly stopped and increased the silence a hundredfold.

“There was a night at Landeck when the bells caught her, a night following upon a day of sunshine and merriment and manypeople. She was the gayest of us all and, in the evening, all at once, she became silent and tired, as so often happened, without any cause that I knew of…. You were with us. You were ten years old then; you lay and slept. We had been standing together by your bed and looking at you and she began to cry and I could do nothing but hold her hand in mine and stop speaking.”

Finn listened, as he had just listened to the bells, without making out what the words had to tell him. He only knew that his mother was without blame and that his father had been able to tell it him all on that day and to leave it to him to pronounce judgment between himself and her. His joy at this sang within him and made all the rest easy and light and indifferent.

And Cordt continued:

“Then I went out on the verandah with my cigar and she stood in the doorway and listened to the bell of a little chapel up in the mountains, where we had been during the day. We had heard the story when we were there. Once, in the old days, a pious man had built the chapel in expiation of a sin and, since then, the bell had rung two hours after midnight every day…She asked whether it would go on ringing till the end of the world and we came to talk of all the bells that ring over the earth, by day and by night, sun up and sun down, and comfort weary mortals…. Sometimes she was silent. But the bell rang up there constantly. And she constantly began to talk again and constantly about the same thing. About the bells that sounded so eternally and so identically over the whole world…about those who heard them for the first time, one day when they were running like wild heathens in the endless wood…about those whose will suddenly broke in the midst of the modern crowd, so thatthey fell on their knees and crept away where the bells summoned them.”

Finn looked up. The words now caught his mind and he woke from his dreams.

“I see her before me still, as she stood on the night when she carried her soul to God. Her strange eyes lifted to the stars…h(huán)er white face…h(huán)er hands…and her words, which came so quickly, as though her life depended upon their coming, and so heavily, as though every one of them caused her pain. She never gave it a thought that I was there: she spoke as though she were doing public penance in the church-porch…. And then she declared that it was over…. It had become empty around her and cold and dark to anguish and despair, there where her glad eyes had beamed upon the lights and the crowd of the feast. Despair had come long since and slowly and she had closed her eyes to it and denied it. It had grown and come nearer to her and she had run away from it, as though she were running for her life. Now it was there and reached from earth to heaven, in her, around her, far and wide. And, if the bells could not conquer it, then she must die.”

Cordt spoke so softly that Finn could hardly catch his words.

“Then the bell up there ceased. Soon after, the day dawned and the sun shone on her white, moist cheeks. She was still now and silent, but her thoughts were the same. When things began to stir around us, in the town and at the hotel, she went out, I did not know where, but I daresay she was at the chapel. Towards evening, she returned and, at midnight, we sat on the verandah again and listened to the church-bell…. A week passed thus. I often feared for her reason. She always talked of the same thing and it was almost worsewhen she was silent. I sent old Hans home with you and, the next day, we left. But it was long before we reached home. She wanted to travel by the same road which we had taken on the journey out. She said she wanted to pray in every church which she had passed on her hunt for happiness through the world.”

Finn half raised himself in his chair:

“And did you?”he asked.

“I did as she wished. It became a pilgrimage to every region where life lies nakedest in its pleasure. Restlessly we travelled from place to place. She omitted none, afraid lest there should remain a single sin which she had not prayed away, a single memory which the bells had not rung into the grave.”

“And then did you come home?”

Cordt looked at his son as if he had forgotten that he was in the room. He suddenly awoke to the consciousness of what lay between those days and these; and his face became so gloomy and his eyes so serious that Finn was frightened.

“Then we came home. And then…”

He rose quickly and stood with his arms crossed on his breast and looked at Finn:

“Then we came home. And the years passed and Fru Adelheid recovered her peace of mind. She found herself again and became the same as in the old days. Her thoughts waver restlessly, her desires yearn insatiably. Her carriage now rattles through the streets as before…only it stops at the church instead of the theatre.”

Finn wanted to speak, but could not, because Cordt stood in front of him and looked at him fxedly and nodded to him, once, as if to say that he knew what it was and that it was no use.

“She goes to Heaven's table,”said Cordt,“and Heaven comes to her parties.”

Finn sank back in his chair.

He was surprised and ashamed that he was not grieved with his father for saying that, nor with his mother, if it were true. He knew that he ought to rouse himself to protest or sympathy, but could not, because he understood it all so well.

But Cordt crossed the room with a frm stride:

“Heaven is not what Fru Adelheid thinks, nor where she seeks it,”he said.“Perhaps you will not understand me until you have lived longer in the world; but look here, Finn…what I have seen of God in my life I have seen most in those who denied Him. In their sense of responsibility, in their humanity…in their pride I have seen God's splendor. The others, those who confess His name and fll His house…they masked Him from me so closely, when they ought to glorify Him, made Him so small, when they praised His might…”

He talked about this for a time. Finn sat dumb and helpless in his chair and wished his father would cease. He felt like one who has inadvertently witnessed something he ought not to see, or like one who is receiving a confdence under a false pretence.

And deep down within him lay a little ironical astonishment at the fre and authority with which his father was talking.

But, at that moment, Cordt sat down in front of him with both his hands in his own and sad and gentle eyes and words as soft and humble as though he were a sinner begging for peace:

“I don't know, Finn. I cannot really tell you anything about it. I can never talk with you about these things. A father is a poor creature, Finn, and I am a poor father. I cannot tell you that the forestis green and that the birds sing and that there is nothing behind the blue sky. I dare not, Finn. I do not think I have the right to. I cannot go to church with you, either…nor even be glad when you go with your mother.”

He pressed Finn's hands nervously. They lay dead in his and Finn did not know what to do with his eyes.

“But I must talk to you a little…just this once…to-day, when I have confessed to you and made up your parents' accounts. If you will try to understand me…and to forgive me…to forgive us, because we are not so rich as our child could expect…since we have a child…You love the bells, Finn. When they ring, you fall a-dreaming; they ring you far away from where you are. You were like that ever since you were a little boy. And I can well understand it. I love them, too. I am glad because they are there. But…Finn…Finn, there are so many bells in the world besides those which summon us to church. Every man has his own, which are his and his only…which he alone can hear, which call no one but him. There are men, opulent, charming men, for whom the bells ring wherever they set foot. They lead more powerful lives than we and prouder lives. They suffer us…those of us who love them. But there is not in the world a man so small but that the bells call him. One has them in his work, Finn. And one in his child…and one in his love. For one they hang in a neat little room where his mother lives and where he can only come for an hour, perhaps…on a Sunday…It is not the same for the one as for the other, Finn, but the bells are there always. They call their man back when he has strayed from the way he should go, or, if that is too late, they ring for his remorse. They ring to the banquet and they ring their music when he is tired andsad…But the church-bells…they ring for the man whose ears life has deafened…and life makes such a terrible noise. They ring on Sundays to remind us of that which we have forgotten throughout the week…. And it is well that they are there…. But…Finn…it is so tragic when the church-bells drive and tumble people together who once had each his own sacred church. It is just as when a home breaks up and the old fnd a refuge in the workhouse. The sun shines through the windows and it is warm indoors and there are fowers in the casement. But there was once something that was better…For your mother and me, Finn…for us the bells used to ring in the old room.”

He was silent and no longer looked at Finn. And Finn was at ease again and at last found words for what he had long wanted to say:

“May I use the old room, father ? May I set it up again…all as it was…and live there with my books ?…”

Cordt released his son's hands and his face wore a look that made Finn regret his request. They both rose to their feet. And, at that moment, Cordt's face lit up with a smile:

“That you may,”he said.“You dear child, who never asked for anything. Let this, then, be my present to you today.”

This happened on the day when Cordt's son completed his twenty-frst year.