Some days passed, and one morning, while Julia was lying in bed reading a play, they rang through from the basement to ask if she would speak to Mr. Fennell. The name meant nothing to her and she was about to refuse when it occurred to her that it might be the young man of her adventure. Her curiosity induced her to tell them to connect him. She recognized his voice.
“You promised to ring me up,” he said. “I got tired of waiting, so I've rung you up instead.”
“I've been terribly busy the last few days.”
“When am I going to see you?”
“As soon as I have a moment to spare.”
“What about this afternoon?”
“I've got a matinée today.”
“Come to tea after the matinée.”
She smiled. (“No, young feller-me-lad, you don't catch me a second time like that.”)
“I can't possibly,” she answered. “I always stay in my dressing-room and rest till the evening performance.”
“Can't I come and see you while you're resting?”
She hesitated for an instant. Perhaps the best thing would be to let him come; with Evie popping in and out and Miss Phillips due at seven, there would be no chance of any nonsense, and it would be a good opportunity to tell him, amiably, because he was really a sweet little thing, but firmly, that the incident of the other afternoon was to have no sequel. With a few well-chosen words she would explain to him that it was quite unreasonable and that he must oblige her by erasing the episode from his memory.
“All right. Come at half-past five and I'll give you a cup of tea.”
There was no part of her busy life that she enjoyed more than those three hours that she spent in her dressing-room between the afternoon and the evening performances. The other members of the cast had gone away; and Evie was there to attend to her wants and the door-keeper to guard her privacy. Her dressing-room was like the cabin of a ship. The world seemed a long way off, and she relished her seclusion. She felt an enchanting freedom. She dozed a little, she read a little, or lying on the comfortable sofa she let her thoughts wander. She reflected on the part she was playing and the favourite parts she had played in the past. She thought of Roger her son. Pleasant reveries sauntered through her mind like lovers wandering in a green wood. She was fond of French poetry, and sometimes she repeated to herself verses of Verlaine.
Punctually at half-past five Evie brought her in a card. “Mr. Thomas Fennell,” she read.
“Send him in and bring some tea.”
She had decided how she was going to treat him. She would be amiable, but distant. She would take a friendly interest in his work and ask him about his examination. Then she would talk to him about Roger. Roger was seventeen now and in a year would be going to Cambridge. She would insinuate the fact that she was old enough to be his mother. She would act as if there had never been anything between them and he would go away, never to see her again except across the footlights, half convinced that the whole thing had been a figment of his fancy. But when she saw him, so slight, with his hectic flush and his blue eyes, so charmingly boyish, she felt a sudden pang. Evie closed the door behind him. She was lying on the sofa and she stretched out her arm to give him her hand, the gracious smile of Madame Récamier on her lips, but he flung himself on his knees and passionately kissed her mouth. She could not help herself, she put her arms round his neck, and kissed him as passionately.
(“Oh, my good resolutions. My God, I can't have fallen in love with him.”)
“For goodness' sake, sit down. Evie's coming in with the tea.”
“Tell her not to disturb us.”
“What do you mean?” But what he meant was obvious. Her heart began to beat quickly. “It's ridiculous. I can't. Michael might come in.”
“I want you.”
“What d'you suppose Evie would think? It'd be idiotic to take such a risk. No, no, no.”
There was a knock at the door and Evie came in with the tea. Julia gave her instructions to put the table by the side of her sofa and a chair for the young man on the other side of the table. She kept Evie with unnecessary conversation. She felt him looking at her. His eyes moved quickly, following her gestures and the expression of her face; she avoided them, but she felt their anxiety and the eagerness of his desire. She was troubled. It seemed to her that her voice did not sound quite natural.
(“What the devil's the matter with me? God, I can hardly breathe.”)
When Evie reached the door the boy made a gesture that was so instinctive that her sensitiveness rather than her sight caught it. She could not but look at him. His face had gone quite pale.
“Oh, Evie,” she said. “This gentleman wants to talk to me about a play. See that no one disturbs me. I'll ring when I want you.”
“Very good, miss.”
Evie went out and closed the door.
(“I'm a fool. I'm a bloody fool.”)
But he had moved the table, and he was on his knees, and she was in his arms.
She sent him away a little before Miss Phillips was due, and when he was going rang for Evie.
“Play any good?” asked Evie.
“What play?”
“The play 'e was talkin' to you about.”
“He's clever. Of course he's young.”
Evie was looking down at the dressing-table. Julia liked everything always to be in the same place, and if a pot of grease or her eyeblack was not exactly where it should be made a scene.
“Where's your comb?”
He had used it to comb his hair and had carelessly placed it on the tea-table. When Evie caught sight of it she stared at it for a moment reflectively.
“How on earth did it get there?” cried Julia lightly.
“I was just wondering.”
It gave Julia a nasty turn. Of course it was madness to do that sort of thing in the dressing-room. Why, there wasn't even a key in the lock. Evie kept it. All the same the risk had given it a spice. It was fun to think that she could be so crazy. At all events they'd made a date now. Tom, she'd asked him what they called him at home and he said Thomas, she really couldn't call him that. Tom wanted to take her to supper somewhere so that they could dance, and it happened that Michael was going up to Cambridge for a night to rehearse a series of one-act plays written by undergraduates. They would be able to spend hours together.
“You can get back with the milk,” he'd said.
“And what about my performance next day?”
“We can't bother about that.”
She had refused to let him fetch her at the theatre, and when she got to the restaurant they had chosen he was waiting for her in the lobby. His face lit up as he saw her.
“It was getting so late, I was afraid you weren't coming.”
“I'm sorry, some tiresome people came round after the play and I couldn't get rid of them.”
But it wasn't true. She had been as excited all the evening as a girl going to her first ball. She could not help thinking how absurd she was. But when she had taken off her theatrical make-up and made up again for supper she could not satisfy herself. She put blue on her eyelids and took it off again, she rouged her cheeks, rubbed them clean and tried another colour.
“What are you trying to do?” said Evie.
“I'm trying to look twenty, you fool.”
“If you try much longer you'll look your age.”
She had never seen him in evening clothes before. He shone like a new pin. Though he was of no more than average height his slimness made him look tall. She was a trifle touched to see that for all his airs of the man of the world he was shy with the head-waiter when it came to ordering supper. They danced and he did not dance very well, but she found his slight awkwardness rather charming. People recognized her, and she was conscious that he enjoyed the reflected glory of their glances. A pair of young things who had been dancing came up to their table to say how-do-you-do-to her. When they had left he asked:
“Wasn't that Lord and Lady Dennorant?”
“Yes. I've known George since he was at Eton.”
He followed them with his eyes.
“She was Lady Cecily Laweston, wasn't she?”
“I've forgotten. Was she?”
It seemed a matter of no interest to her. A few minutes later another couple passed them.
“Look, there's Lady Lepard.”
“Who's she?”
“Don't you remember, they had a big party at their place in Cheshire a few weeks ago and the Prince of Wales was there. It was in the Bystander.”
Oh, that was how he got all his information. Poor sweet. He read about grand people in the papers and now and then, at a restaurant or a theatre, saw them in the flesh. Of course it was a thrill for him. Romance. If he only knew how dull they were really! This innocent passion for the persons whose photographs appear in the illustrated papers made him seem incredibly na?ve, and she looked at him with tender eyes.
“Have you ever taken an actress out to supper before?”
He blushed scarlet.
“Never.”
She hated to let him pay the bill, she had an inkling that it was costing pretty well his week's salary, but she knew it would hurt his pride if she offered to pay it herself. She asked casually what the time was and instinctively he looked at his wrist.
“I forgot to put on my watch.”
She gave him a searching look.
“Have you pawned it?”
He reddened again.
“No. I dressed in rather a hurry tonight.”
She only had to look at his tie to know that he had done no such thing. He was lying to her. She knew that he had pawned his watch in order to take her out to supper. A lump came into her throat. She could have taken him in her arms then and there and kissed his blue eyes. She adored him.
“Let's go,” she said.
They drove back to his bed-sitting room in Tavistock Square.
幾天后的一個(gè)早晨,朱莉婭正躺在床上閱讀一個(gè)劇本,仆人從地下室打電話詢(xún)問(wèn)她是否要跟一位芬內(nèi)爾先生通電話。她對(duì)這個(gè)名字沒(méi)有任何印象,就在她要拒絕的時(shí)候,她突然想到可能是跟她艷遇的年輕人。她的好奇心促使她讓他們接了電話。她認(rèn)出了他的聲音。
“你承諾要給我打電話的,”他說(shuō)道,“我厭倦等待了,所以我給你打電話?!?/p>
“這幾天我都非常忙?!?/p>
“我什么時(shí)候能去見(jiàn)你?”
“等我一有空的時(shí)候?!?/p>
“今天下午如何?”
“我今天有日?qǐng)鲅莩觥!?/p>
“日?qǐng)鲅莩龊髞?lái)喝杯茶吧?!?/p>
她笑了。(“年輕的小家伙,不,你不能再那樣對(duì)待我了?!保?/p>
“我做不到,”她回答道,“我會(huì)在更衣室休息,直到夜場(chǎng)演出?!?/p>
“你休息的時(shí)候難道我不能去見(jiàn)你嗎?”
她猶豫了一下。或許最好讓他過(guò)來(lái);伊維進(jìn)進(jìn)出出,菲利普斯小姐也會(huì)在七點(diǎn)的時(shí)候過(guò)來(lái),這樣就不會(huì)有什么胡來(lái)的可能,而且這也是個(gè)不錯(cuò)的機(jī)會(huì),能友善但是堅(jiān)定地告訴他,那日下午的事情不會(huì)再發(fā)生了,哦,他真是個(gè)可愛(ài)的小東西。她要準(zhǔn)備好說(shuō)辭,向他解釋清楚這事兒有多么荒謬,他必須答應(yīng)她把整件事情從他的記憶中抹掉。
“好吧。五點(diǎn)半的時(shí)候過(guò)來(lái),我請(qǐng)你喝杯茶。”
從下午到晚上演出之間她在化妝間里度過(guò)的那三個(gè)小時(shí),是她繁忙的生活中最?lèi)芤獾臅r(shí)刻。劇組的其他成員都走了;伊維會(huì)在那兒伺候她,門(mén)衛(wèi)會(huì)保證她的隱私。她的化妝間就像一艘船的船艙。整個(gè)世界都遠(yuǎn)去,她享受這一刻的與世隔絕。她感到令人神往的自由。她會(huì)打個(gè)盹兒,讀會(huì)兒書(shū),或者在沙發(fā)上舒服地躺一會(huì),任思緒隨意飄蕩。她會(huì)想她正在出演的角色,還有她曾經(jīng)演過(guò)的最喜歡的角色。她想到她兒子羅杰。愉快的遐想在她的腦海里漫步,就像情人在樹(shù)林里閑逛。她喜歡法國(guó)詩(shī),有時(shí)會(huì)給自己背誦上一段魏爾倫(1)的詩(shī)句。
伊維在五點(diǎn)半的時(shí)候遞給她一張名片?!巴旭R斯·芬內(nèi)爾先生?!彼粗x道。
“帶他進(jìn)來(lái),再上些茶?!?/p>
她已經(jīng)決定要如何對(duì)待他。她會(huì)很親切,但會(huì)保持距離。她會(huì)對(duì)他的工作表示出友善的興趣,并詢(xún)問(wèn)他的考試進(jìn)展如何。然后她會(huì)跟他聊一聊羅杰。羅杰已經(jīng)十七歲了,還有一年就會(huì)去劍橋讀書(shū)。她會(huì)暗示他,以她的年紀(jì)都可以做他的母親了。她會(huì)假裝他們之間從未發(fā)生過(guò)任何事情,然后他會(huì)主動(dòng)離開(kāi)。此后,除非透過(guò)舞臺(tái)前的腳燈觀看她的演出,他再也不會(huì)見(jiàn)到她,甚至?xí)X(jué)得整件事情都是他腦子里虛構(gòu)的。但當(dāng)她見(jiàn)到他時(shí),看著他那瘦小的身板、潮紅的面頰,還有他那雙藍(lán)色的眼睛,如此迷人又帶著孩子氣,心里突然一陣劇痛。伊維離開(kāi)房間并關(guān)上了門(mén)。朱莉婭躺在沙發(fā)上,她伸出胳膊,將手遞給他,嘴唇上浮現(xiàn)雷卡米埃夫人(2)般優(yōu)雅的微笑,但他卻一下子跪倒在地,狂吻起她來(lái)。她亦情不自禁,兩只胳膊摟住他的脖子,熱情地回吻他。
(“哦,我的決心。上帝,我不會(huì)愛(ài)上他了吧?!保?/p>
“看在上帝的分上,坐下吧。伊維一會(huì)兒就送上茶來(lái)?!?/p>
“告訴她別打擾我們?!?/p>
“你什么意思?”但他的意思非常明確。她的心臟開(kāi)始加速跳動(dòng),“那太荒謬了,我不能。邁克爾可能會(huì)過(guò)來(lái)?!?/p>
“我想要你。”
“你覺(jué)得伊維會(huì)怎么想?冒這種險(xiǎn)簡(jiǎn)直愚蠢到家了。不,不,不?!?/p>
門(mén)外有敲門(mén)聲,伊維端著茶走了進(jìn)來(lái)。朱莉婭讓她把桌子擺在她沙發(fā)旁,在沙發(fā)另一邊擺一把椅子,讓年輕人坐。她和伊維說(shuō)著沒(méi)必要的對(duì)話。她感覺(jué)到他在看她。他的眼睛移動(dòng)得很快,跟隨著她的手勢(shì)和她臉上的表情;她回避那雙眼睛,但她能感覺(jué)到那眼神中的焦慮以及他迫不及待的欲望。她心慌意亂,覺(jué)得自己的聲音聽(tīng)起來(lái)不那么自然。
(“我到底是怎么了?上帝,我?guī)缀鯚o(wú)法呼吸?!保?/p>
當(dāng)伊維準(zhǔn)備離開(kāi)時(shí),男孩做了個(gè)手勢(shì),這手勢(shì)完全出于本能,與其說(shuō)朱莉婭看到了他的手勢(shì)倒不如說(shuō)她感受到了。她無(wú)法直視他。他的臉變得無(wú)比蒼白。
“哦,伊維,”她說(shuō)道,“這位紳士想跟我談?wù)撘粋€(gè)劇本。別讓別人打擾我。我需要你時(shí)會(huì)按鈴。”
“好的,小姐?!?/p>
伊維離開(kāi)房間并關(guān)上了房門(mén)。
(“我是個(gè)笨蛋。我是個(gè)該死的笨蛋。”)
他挪開(kāi)了桌子,雙膝跪地,將她抱在懷中。
菲利普斯小姐快來(lái)的時(shí)候,她才打發(fā)他走了,并按鈴叫了伊維。
“劇本不錯(cuò)嗎?”伊維問(wèn)道。
“什么劇本?”
“他跟您討論的劇本啊?!?/p>
“他很聰明。當(dāng)然他還年輕。”
伊維低頭看了一眼梳妝臺(tái)。朱莉婭喜歡一切都放在原有的位置,如果有瓶油膏或者睫毛膏沒(méi)有被一絲不差地放回到原來(lái)的位置,她會(huì)發(fā)脾氣。
“你的梳子呢?”
他剛剛用梳子梳過(guò)頭,粗心地將它放在了茶桌上。當(dāng)伊維看到梳子時(shí),她若有所思地盯著梳子好一會(huì)兒。
“這梳子怎么跑到那兒去了?”朱莉婭輕聲喊道。
“我還在想呢?!?/p>
這讓朱莉婭措手不及。在化妝間做那種事情當(dāng)然荒唐至極。天,鎖眼里都沒(méi)有插把鑰匙。伊維保管鑰匙。盡管如此,這種危險(xiǎn)也增添了一絲刺激。想想她竟能這樣瘋狂就覺(jué)得有趣。他們現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)訂好了約會(huì)的日子。湯姆,她問(wèn)他在家里他父母如何稱(chēng)呼他,他回答托馬斯,而她無(wú)法稱(chēng)呼他這個(gè)。湯姆想帶她去能跳舞的地方吃晚飯,他想和她跳舞,正好邁克爾要去劍橋待一晚上,排練大學(xué)生寫(xiě)的一系列獨(dú)幕劇。他們能在一起待上好幾個(gè)小時(shí)。
“你可以天亮了再回?!彼f(shuō)道。
“那我第二天的演出怎么辦?”
“我們顧不上為此擔(dān)心。”
她沒(méi)有讓他來(lái)劇院接她,當(dāng)她到達(dá)他們選好的飯店時(shí),他正在大廳里等她。在見(jiàn)到她的那一刻,他的臉上浮現(xiàn)喜悅之情。
“這么晚了,我擔(dān)心你不會(huì)來(lái)了?!?/p>
“對(duì)不起,有些無(wú)聊的人在演出結(jié)束后過(guò)來(lái)找我,我無(wú)法擺脫他們。”
然而,事實(shí)并非如此。整個(gè)晚上,朱莉婭興奮得好像第一次參加舞會(huì)的小女孩。她不由得想自己有多可笑。當(dāng)她卸掉舞臺(tái)妝容,為了赴宴重新打扮后,她又覺(jué)得不滿意。她涂了藍(lán)色的眼影,又擦掉,涂了腮紅,又抹干凈,換了另外一種顏色。
“您這是要做什么?”伊維問(wèn)道。
“我想看起來(lái)像二十歲,你這個(gè)笨蛋?!?/p>
“如果再化下去,您看起來(lái)就像您現(xiàn)在的年紀(jì)了。”
她從未見(jiàn)過(guò)他穿晚禮服。他光芒四射如同一枚嶄新的大頭針。雖然他也就是普通個(gè)子,但瘦削的體形讓他看上去很高。盡管他裝出一副閱歷豐富的樣子,領(lǐng)班侍者為他們點(diǎn)菜時(shí),他仍舊露出羞澀的模樣,這讓她有些感動(dòng)。他們跳了舞,他跳得不好,不過(guò),朱莉婭覺(jué)得他略微笨拙的樣子很迷人。人們認(rèn)出了她,她也意識(shí)到大家的注視讓他覺(jué)得臉上有光。一對(duì)跳舞的年輕人走到他們的桌子前,向她問(wèn)好。當(dāng)他們離開(kāi)后,他問(wèn)道:
“那不是丹諾倫特侯爵和侯爵夫人嗎?”
“是的。喬治還在伊頓公學(xué)讀書(shū)時(shí)我就認(rèn)識(shí)他了?!?/p>
湯姆目送他們離去。
“她本是塞西莉·勞斯頓小姐,對(duì)嗎?”
“我忘記了,是嗎?”
似乎朱莉婭對(duì)她一點(diǎn)興趣都沒(méi)有。不一會(huì)兒,又有一對(duì)兒從他們身邊經(jīng)過(guò)。
“看,那是萊巴德夫人?!?/p>
“她是誰(shuí)?”
“你不記得了嗎?幾周前他們?cè)谖挥诓窨さ募抑信e辦了一場(chǎng)盛大的聚會(huì),威爾士親王也去了。《旁觀者》上登著呢。”
哦,他的消息都是從那兒得來(lái)的??蓱z的小東西。他在報(bào)紙上讀到那些名人的事情,時(shí)不時(shí)地會(huì)在飯店或者劇院看到他們本人。這對(duì)他來(lái)講當(dāng)然非常興奮。浪漫。要是他知道他們有多無(wú)聊就好了!那種對(duì)于照片被登在畫(huà)報(bào)上的人們的無(wú)邪的熱情讓他顯得非常幼稚,她看著他,眼神中充滿溫柔。
“你以前有帶過(guò)別的女演員來(lái)吃晚餐嗎?”
他的臉變得通紅。
“從來(lái)沒(méi)有?!?/p>
她不愿讓他付賬單,她大概能猜到,這頓飯差不多花了他一周的薪水,但她明白,如果她提出付錢(qián),會(huì)傷到他的自尊心。她隨意地問(wèn)了問(wèn)時(shí)間,他本能地看了看手腕。
“我忘記戴手表了?!?/p>
她疑惑地看著他。
“你是把它當(dāng)了嗎?”
他又一次紅了臉。
“不。我今晚穿衣服太著急了?!?/p>
只需看一眼他的領(lǐng)帶,她就知道事實(shí)并非他所說(shuō)的那樣。他在騙她。她知道,為了請(qǐng)她吃晚餐,他當(dāng)了自己的手表。她有些哽咽,恨不得立刻就將他擁入懷中并親吻他藍(lán)色的眼睛。她愛(ài)慕他。
“我們走吧?!彼f(shuō)道。
他們開(kāi)車(chē)回到了他在塔維斯托克廣場(chǎng)臥室兼客廳的家。
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(1) 魏爾倫(Paul Verlaine,1844—1896),法國(guó)象征派詩(shī)人。
(2) 雅克·路易·大衛(wèi)1800年為法國(guó)一位銀行家的太太畫(huà)的肖像畫(huà)《雷卡米埃夫人像》的主人公,畫(huà)中雷卡米埃夫人身著白色羅馬式長(zhǎng)袍,靠臥在羅馬式臥榻上,長(zhǎng)袍垂搭在靠榻前,色彩與形體相諧,呈現(xiàn)一種高雅古樸的休憩狀態(tài)。
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