雙語·面紗 第六十八章

68

A week went by. Kitty was sewing. The Mother Superior entered the room and sat down beside her. She gave Kitty's work a shrewd glance.

“You sew very well, my dear. It is a rare accomplishment for young women of your world nowadays.”

“I owe it to my mother.”

“I am sure that your mother will be very glad to see you again.”

Kitty looked up. There was that in the Mother Superior's manner which prevented the remark from being taken as a casual politeness. She went on.

“I allowed you to come here after the death of your dear husband because I thought occupation would distract your mind. I did not think you were fit at that moment to take the long journey to Hong Kong by yourself, nor did I wish you to sit alone in your house with nothing to do but to remember your loss. But now eight days have passed. It is time for you to go.”

“I don't want to go, Mother. I want to stay here.”

“There is nothing for you to stay for. You came to be with your husband. Your husband is dead. You are in a condition in which you will shortly need a care and attention which it is impossible for you to get here. It is your duty, my dear child, to do everything in your power for the welfare of the being that God has entrusted to your care.”

Kitty was silent for a moment. She looked down.

“I was under the impression that I was of some use here. It has been a great pleasure to me to think that I was. I hoped that you would allow me to go on with my work till the epidemic had come to an end.”

“We are all very grateful for what you have done for us,” answered the Superior, with a slight smile, “but now that the epidemic is waning the risk of coming here is not so great and I am expecting two sisters from Canton. They should be here very shortly and when they arrive I do not think that I shall be able to make any use of your services.”

Kitty's heart sank. The Mother Superior's tone admitted of no reply; she knew her well enough to know that she would be insensible to entreaty. That she found it necessary to reason with Kitty had brought into her voice a note, if hardly of irritation, at leat of the peremptoriness which might lead to it.

“Mr. Waddington was good enough to ask my advice.”

“I wish he could have minded his own business,” interrupted Kitty.

“If he hadn't I should all the same have felt obliged to give it to him,” said the Mother Superior gently. “At the present moment your place is not here, but with your mother. Mr. Waddington has arranged with Colonel Yü to give you a strong escort so that you will be perfectly safe on the journey, and he has arranged for bearers and coolies. The amah will go with you and arrangements will be made at the cities you pass through. In fact, everything possible for your comfort has been done.”

Kitty's lips tightened. She thought that they might at least have consulted her in a matter which only concerned herself. She had to exercise some self-control in order not to answer sharply.

“And when am I to start?”

The Mother Superior remained quite placid.

“The sooner you can get back to Hong Kong and then sail to England the better, my dear child. We thought you would like to start at dawn the day after to-morrow.”

“So soon.”

Kitty felt a little inclined to cry. But it was true enough; she had no place there.

“You all seem in a great hurry to be rid of me,” she said ruefully.

Kitty was conscious of a relaxation in the Superior's demeanour. She saw that Kitty was prepared to yield and unconsciously she assumed a more gracious tone. Kitty's sense of humour was acute and her eyes twinkled as she reflected that even the saints liked to have their own way.

“Don't think that I fail to appreciate the goodness of your heart, my dear child, and the admirable charity which makes you unwilling to abandon your self-imposed duties.”

Kitty stared straight in front of her. She faintly shrugged her shoulders. She knew that she could ascribe to herself no such exalted virtues. She wanted to stay because she had nowhere else to go. It was a curious sensation this, that nobody in the world cared two straws whether she was alive or dead.

“I cannot understand that you should be reluctant to go home,” pursued the Superior amiably. “There are many foreigners in this country who would give a great deal to have your chance!”

“But not you, Mother?”

“Oh, with us it is different, my dear child. When we come here we know that we have left our homes for ever.”

Out of her own wounded feelings emerged the desire in Kitty's mind, malicious perhaps, to seek the joint in the armour of faith which rendered the nuns so aloofly immune to all the natural feelings. She wanted to see whether there was left in the Superior any of the weakness of humanity.

“I should have thought that sometimes it was hard never to see again those that are dear to you and the scenes amid which you were brought up.”

The Mother Superior hesitated for a moment, but Kitty watching her, could see no change in the serenity of her beautiful and austere face.

“It is hard for my mother who is old now, for I am her only daughter and she would dearly like to see me once more before she dies. I wish I could give her that joy. But it cannot be and we shall wait till we can meet in paradise.”

“All the same, when one thinks of those to whom one is so dear, it must be difficult not to ask oneself if one was right in cutting oneself off from them.”

“Are you asking me if I have ever regretted the step I took?”O(jiān)n a sudden the Mother Superior's face grew radiant. “Never, never. I have exchanged a life that was trivial and worthless for one of sacrifice and prayer.”

There was a brief silence and then the Mother Superior, assuming a lighter manner, smiled.

“I am going to ask you to take a little parcel and post it for me when you get to Marseilles. I do not wish to entrust it to the Chinese post office. I will fetch it at once.”

“You can give it to me to-morrow,” said Kitty.

“You will be too busy to come here to-morrow, my dear. It will be more convenient for you to bid us farewell to-night.”

She rose, and, with the easy dignity which her voluminous habit could not conceal, left the room. In a moment Sister St. Joseph came in. She was come to say good-bye. She hoped that Kitty would have a pleasant journey; she would be quite safe, for Colonel Yü was sending a strong escort with her; and the sisters constantly did the journey alone and no harm came to them. And did she like the sea? Mon Dieu, how ill she was when there was a storm in the Indian ocean, Madame her mother would be pleased to see her daughter, and she must take care of herself; after all she had another little soul in her care now, and they would all pray for her; she would pray constantly for her and the dear little baby and for the soul of the poor, brave doctor. She was voluble, kindly, and affectionate; and yet Kitty was deeply conscious that for Sister St. Joseph (her gaze intent on eternity) she was but a wraith without body or substance. She had a wild impulse to seize the stout, good-natured nun by the shoulders and shake her, crying: “Don't you know that I'm a human being, unhappy and alone, and I want comfort and sympathy and encouragement; oh, can't you turn a minute away from God and give me a little compassion; not the Christian compassion that you have for all suffering things, but just human compassion for me?” The thought brought a smile to Kitty's lips: how very surprised Sister St. Joseph would be! She would certainly be convinced of what now she only suspected, that all English people were mad.

“Fortunately I am a very good sailor,” Kitty answered. “I've never been sea-sick yet.”

The Mother Superior returned with a small, neat parcel.

“They're handkerchiefs that I've had made for the nameday of my mother,” she said. “The initials have been embroidered by our young girls.”

Sister St. Joseph suggested that Kitty would like to see how beautifully the work was done and the Mother Superior with an indulgent, deprecating smile untied the parcel. The handkerchiefs were of very fine lawn and the initials embroidered in a complicated cipher were surmounted by a crown of strawberry leaves. When Kitty had properly admired the workmanship, the handkerchiefs were wrapped up again and the parcel handed to her. Sister St. Joseph, with an “Eh bien, Madame, je vous quitte” and a repetition of her polite and impersonal salutations, went away. Kitty realized that this was the moment to take her leave of the Superior. She thanked her for her kindness to her. They walked together along the bare, white-washed corridors.

“Would it be asking too much of you to register the parcel when you arrive at Marseilles?” said the Superior.

“Of course I'll do that,” said Kitty.

She glanced at the address. The name seemed very grand, but the place mentioned attracted her attention.

“But that is one of the chateaux I've seen. I was motoring with friends in France.”

“It is very possible,” said the Mother Superior. “Strangers are permitted to view it on two days a week.”

“I think if I had ever lived in such a beautiful place I should never have had the courage to leave it.”

“It is of Course a historical monument. It is scarcely intimate. If I regretted anything it would not be that, but the little chateau that we lived in when I was a child. It was in the Pyrenees. I was born within sound of the sea. I do not deny that sometimes I should like to hear the waves beating against the rocks.”

Kitty had an idea that the Mother Superior, divining her thought and the reason for her remarks, was slyly making fun of her. But they reached the little, unpretentious door of the convent. To Kitty's surprise the Mother Superior took her in her arms and kissed her. The pressure of her pale lips on Kitty's cheeks, she kissed her first on one side and then on the other, was so unexpected that it made her flush and inclined to cry.

“Good-bye, God bless you, my dear child.” She held her for a moment in her arms. “Remember that it is nothing to do your duty, that is demanded of you and is no more meritorious than to wash your hands when they are dirty; the only thing that counts is the love of duty; when love and duty are one, then grace is in you and you will enjoy a happiness which passes all understanding.”

The convent door closed for the last time behind her.

第六十八章

一周過去了。凱蒂正在縫紉的時候，院長嬤嬤走進(jìn)了屋子坐在了她的身邊。她認(rèn)真地看了看凱蒂的活兒。

“你的針線活兒真不錯，我親愛的。如今像你這樣的年輕女子能做出這么漂亮的針線活兒可真不多了。”

“您過獎了，嬤嬤?！?/p>

“我敢肯定你母親再次見到你一定會很高興的?！?/p>

凱蒂抬頭看了看嬤嬤，院長嬤嬤說話的樣子可不像出于禮貌跟她隨便說說的。她繼續(xù)說道：

“在你親愛的丈夫去世后，我還允許你來這兒是因為我想工作可能會分散你的注意力，而且，我認(rèn)為你也不適合在這個時候長途跋涉自己一個人回香港，我也不希望你獨守空房，除了追思你的丈夫無事可做。但現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)過去八天了，是你離開的時候了?！?/p>

“我不想走，嬤嬤，我想留在這兒?！?/p>

“你待在這兒沒有什么意義了。本來你是和你丈夫一起來的這兒，現(xiàn)在你的丈夫已經(jīng)去世了，你又懷孕了，過不了多久就需要人照顧了，可在這兒不可能得到關(guān)注和照顧。我親愛的孩子，為了大家的利益，用你的力量去做任何事是你的責(zé)任，也是上帝托付給你的重任?！?/p>

凱蒂沉默了一會兒，低下了頭。

“我一直以為我在這兒還有些用處。對我來說，我特別滿意現(xiàn)在的狀態(tài)，我希望您能允許我繼續(xù)我的工作，直到瘟疫結(jié)束的那一天?！?/p>

“我們很感激你為我們所做的一切?！痹洪L帶著一絲微笑說道，“但是現(xiàn)在瘟疫疫情正在減弱，來這兒的風(fēng)險也不是那么大了，我正等著從廣州來的修女。她們應(yīng)該很快就能到了，等她們到了，我想我就不再急需你為我們工作了?！?/p>

凱蒂的心沉了下去，院長嬤嬤的口氣不容商量，她很了解嬤嬤的為人，知道她再怎么懇求，嬤嬤也會無動于衷的。嬤嬤發(fā)現(xiàn)有必要和凱蒂講道理，所以她說話的語氣有所緩和，雖然聽上去難免刺激人，至少不是那么專橫。

“威廷頓先生也好心地征求了我的建議?！?/p>

“我希望他能管好自己的事情?！眲P蒂打斷道。

“如果他沒有這樣做的話，我們還是一樣會覺得有義務(wù)給他這樣的建議?！痹洪L嬤嬤柔聲說道，“至少在目前，你的崗位不在這兒，你應(yīng)該和你母親在一起。威廷頓先生已經(jīng)和余上校安排好了，派一個健壯的士兵護(hù)送你，你在旅途中絕對安全，而且他還安排了轎夫和苦力。女仆也隨你一塊兒走，在你經(jīng)過的城市都做了相應(yīng)的安排。事實上，為了盡量讓你旅途舒適安全，大家已經(jīng)把一切都安排好了?！?/p>

凱蒂咬緊了嘴唇，她覺得在事關(guān)她自己的問題上，他們至少應(yīng)該事先征求一下她的意見。她不得不控制住自己的情緒，為了不讓回答顯得尖酸刻薄。

“我什么時候動身？”

院長嬤嬤仍然相當(dāng)平靜。

“你越早回去越好，先回香港然后再坐船回英國，我親愛的孩子，我們認(rèn)為你最好在后天黎明動身?！?/p>

“夠早的?！?/p>

凱蒂覺得有點兒想哭，但是她看清楚了一點，這兒已經(jīng)沒有她的立足之地了。

“好像你們所有人都急于擺脫我。”她難過地說道。

凱蒂意識到院長知道自己的態(tài)度后似乎松了一口氣，她看出了凱蒂已經(jīng)準(zhǔn)備讓步了，但沒想到她還能用這么彬彬有禮的口吻來說話。凱蒂是很有幽默感的，她的眼睛眨著，好像在說，即使是圣徒也喜歡自己表達(dá)意見的方式。

“別以為我不知道你是個心腸很好的人，我親愛的孩子，還有你令人欽佩的悲憫之心讓你不愿意放棄加在自己身上的責(zé)任?！?/p>

凱蒂茫然若失地凝視著前方，輕輕地聳了聳肩，知道自己并不具備這些高尚的品德，她想留下是因為實在無處可去。這真是一種奇怪的感覺，好像這個世界上沒人在乎她的生死。

“我不能理解你為什么不愿意回家。”院長嬤嬤親切地追問道，“在這個國度有那么多的外國人，他們不計代價地想得到你這樣的運氣！”

“但是，他們中不包括你，嬤嬤，對嗎？”

“噢，對我們來說情況不同，我親愛的孩子。當(dāng)來到這兒的時候，我們就知道要永遠(yuǎn)地離開家園了?！?/p>

出于自己受傷的感情，凱蒂的心頭涌現(xiàn)出一種愿望，也許還有點兒敵意，那就是想探究一下對信仰的熱愛如何把這些修女變得不食人間煙火，對所有自然的感情都有了超然的免疫力的。她想看看院長嬤嬤身上是否還留有人性的弱點。

“我應(yīng)該想到有時再也見不到那些對你很親的人，還有你成長的環(huán)境，確實是挺難受的。”

院長嬤嬤猶豫了一會兒，但是在一旁觀察她的凱蒂看到，在她美麗和嚴(yán)峻的臉上，那份平靜安詳絲毫沒有改變。

“對我的母親來說是挺難受的，她現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)很老了，因為我是她唯一的女兒，在她死之前，她特別希望能夠再看我一眼，我也希望能滿足她的愿望，但是那是不可能的，我們只能等著在天堂見面了?！?/p>

“還是一樣，當(dāng)一個人想到那些自己在他們心目中很重要的人，讓這個人斷絕與他們的聯(lián)系還是很困難的，即使這個人這么做是對的?！?/p>

“你是在問我是否為自己的行為感到后悔嗎？”突然，院長嬤嬤的臉上容光煥發(fā)了，“絕不，絕沒有，我已經(jīng)把瑣碎、無價值的生活變成了具有犧牲精神、奉獻(xiàn)上帝的生活?！?/p>

又有了一陣短暫的沉默，然后院長嬤嬤流露出一種更為輕快的態(tài)度，笑著說：

“我想托你幫我?guī)б粋€小包裹，當(dāng)你到達(dá)馬賽的時候，把它郵寄出去。我不愿意把它交給中國的郵局寄送。我去取它，馬上就回來?！?/p>

“你可以明天再給我?！眲P蒂說道。

“明天你可能太忙了，來不了這兒了，我親愛的，我想今天晚上就跟我們道別可能對你更方便些?！?/p>

她站起身，帶著端莊——這種態(tài)度是她寬大的修女服無法遮蓋的——離開了房間。過了一會兒，圣約瑟夫修女進(jìn)來了。她是來跟凱蒂告別的，祝愿她旅途順利，并安慰她說一路上會很安全的，因為余上校派了一個強(qiáng)壯的衛(wèi)兵護(hù)送她，其實其他姐妹都是自己來的，也沒有什么不測。她還問凱蒂喜不喜歡大海，當(dāng)印度洋上有暴風(fēng)雨時，凱蒂會不會暈船。她說，凱蒂的母親大人看到她的女兒肯定會高興的。她叮囑凱蒂一定要照顧好自己，畢竟現(xiàn)在她還需要照顧好肚子里的另一個小生命，她們都會為她祈禱的，她自己會不斷地為她祈禱，為親愛的小寶貝祈禱，為可憐的、勇敢的醫(yī)生的靈魂祈禱。她喋喋不休地、友好而動情地說著。然而，凱蒂深深地感知到圣約瑟夫修女就是一個沒有肉體或物質(zhì)的幽靈。她突然有種狂野的沖動，要抓住這個粗壯的、天性善良的修女的肩膀，搖晃她，大聲喊著：“你不知道我是個有血有肉不幸而孤獨的人嗎，我想得到安慰、同情和鼓勵。哦，你就不能有片刻離開上帝給我一點兒憐憫嗎，不是那種你給所有受苦眾生的基督教的憐憫，而是有人情味的憐憫？”這念頭讓凱蒂嘴角露出了微笑，圣約瑟夫修女會大吃一驚的！現(xiàn)在她當(dāng)然會更加確信——原來她只是懷疑——所有的英國人都是瘋子。

“幸運的是，我在海上航行什么事也沒有?！眲P蒂回答道，“我從不暈船?！?/p>

院長嬤嬤回來了，手上拿著一個包得很齊整的小包裹。

“它們是些手帕，是我以前為我母親的命名日[1]做的。”她說道，“名字的首字母是我們年輕的女孩子們繡上去的?！?/p>

圣約瑟夫修女建議凱蒂看一下這些手帕有多么的漂亮，院長嬤嬤帶著一種寬容的、不以為然的微笑解開了包裹。手帕的材料是上等的細(xì)麻布，名字的首字母是用一種復(fù)雜的花體字形繡上去的，而且頂上還覆蓋著草莓葉的花冠。凱蒂適當(dāng)?shù)刭潛P了手帕的工藝精湛之后，嬤嬤把手帕又包上了，把包裹遞給了她。圣約瑟夫修女說道：“好吧，夫人，我們就此別過?！盵2]接著又重復(fù)著她禮貌和沒有什么個人感情的祝愿，然后離開了。凱蒂認(rèn)識到這一刻她該跟院長嬤嬤告別了，她感謝了院長嬤嬤對她的照顧，她們沿著空無一人的、抹著白灰的走廊并肩走著。

“你到達(dá)馬賽后，郵寄這個包裹不會給你增加太多的不便吧？”院長問道。

“當(dāng)然不會，我很樂意效勞。”凱蒂說道。

她瞥了一眼地址，地名似乎是一個很有名的地方，這個地方吸引了她的注意力。

“這個莊園我參觀過，我在法國和朋友開車去過很多地方?！?/p>

“很有可能?！痹洪L嬤嬤說道，“一周有兩天，莊園對外人開放?！?/p>

“我覺得如果有幸能住在這么一個美麗的地方，我絕不會有勇氣離開它的。”

“當(dāng)然，它是一個歷史遺跡，莊嚴(yán)肅穆。如果說真正讓我留戀的，倒不是這個莊園，而是我小時候住的一個小莊園，它位于比利牛斯山脈，我出生在海邊，我不否認(rèn)有時我還想聽聽海浪拍擊巖石的聲音?！?/p>

凱蒂產(chǎn)生了一種想法——院長嬤嬤在窺測她的想法和說這些話的原因，然后偷偷地取笑她。但是，當(dāng)她們走到修道院矮小、樸素的大門時，讓凱蒂吃了一驚的是，院長嬤嬤把她摟在懷里，并親吻了她。她蒼白的嘴唇壓到凱蒂的臉頰上，先是親吻了一側(cè)，然后又親吻了另一側(cè)，這大大出乎她的意料，使得她滿臉通紅，想放聲大哭。

“再見，上帝保佑你，我親愛的孩子。”她把凱蒂攬在懷中好一會兒，“記住，那跟你的責(zé)任無關(guān)，而是對你的要求，在你手臟時，把它們洗凈，不是什么值得稱贊的事，唯一值得稱道的事是對責(zé)任的愛，愛和責(zé)任合二為一時，你就有了慈悲，你將擁有一種無以言表的幸福?！?/p>

修道院的大門最后一次在她的身后關(guān)上了。

* * *

[1]命名日（nameday），是和本人同名的圣徒紀(jì)念日，源于基督教會對圣徒和受難者舉行紀(jì)念的節(jié)日。

[2]原文為法語。