雙語·面紗 第五十七章

57

The night was sultry and Kitty sat at the window looking at the fantastic roofs, dark against the starlight, of the Chinese temple, when at last Walter came in. Her eyes were heavy with weeping, but she was composed. Notwithstanding all there was to harass her she felt, perhaps only from exhaustion, strangely at peace.

“I thought you'd be already in bed,” said Walter as he came in.

“I wasn't sleepy. I thought it cooler to sit up. Have you had any dinner?”

“All I want.”

He walked up and down the long room and she saw that he had something to say to her. She knew that he was embarrassed. Without concern she waited for him to summon up his resolution. He began abruptly.

“I've been thinking about what you told me this afternoon. It seems to me that it would be better if you went away. I have spoken to Colonel Yü and he will give you an escort. You could take the amah with you. You will be quite safe.”

“Where is there for me to go?”

“You can go to your mother's.”

“Do you think she would be pleased to see me?”

He paused for a moment, hesitating, as though for reflection.

“Then you can go to Hong Kong.”

“What should I do there?”

“You will need a good deal of care and attention. I don't think it's fair to ask you to stay here.”

She could not prevent the smile, not only of bitterness but of frank amusement, that crossed her face. She gave him a glance and very nearly laughed.

“I don't know why you should be so anxious about my health.”

He came over to the window and stood looking out at the night. There had never been so many stars in the unclouded sky.

“This isn't the place for a woman in your condition.”

She looked at him, white in his thin clothes against the darkness; there was something sinister in his fine profile, and yet oddly enough at this moment it excited in her no fear.

“When you insisted on my coming here did you want it to kill me?” she asked suddenly.

He was so long answering that she thought he had refused to hear.

“At first.”

She gave a little shudder, for it was the first time he had admitted his intention. But she bore him no ill will for it. Her feeling surprised herself; there was a certain admiration in it and a faint amusement. She did not quite know why, but suddenly thinking of Charlie Townsend he seemed to her an abject fool.

“It was a terrible risk you were taking,” she answered. “With your sensitive conscience I wonder if you could ever have forgiven yourself if I had died.”

“Well, you haven't. You've thrived on it.”

“I've never felt better in my life.”

She had an instinct to throw herself on the mercy of his humor. After all they had gone through, when they were living amid these scenes of horror and desolation, it seemed inept to attach importance to the ridiculous act of fornication. When death stood round the corner, taking lives like a gardener digging up potatoes, it was foolishness to care what dirty things this person or that did with his body. If she could only make him realize how little Charlie meant to her, so that now already she had difficulty in calling up his features to her imagination, and how entirely the love of him had passed out of her heart! Because she had no feeling for Townsend the various acts she had committed with him had lost their significance. She had regained her heart and what she had given of her body seemed not to matter a rap. She was inclined to say to Walter: “Look here, don't you think we've been silly long enough? We've sulked with one another like children. Why can't we kiss and be friends? There's no reason why we shouldn't be friends just because we're not lovers.”

He stood very still and the lamplight made the pallor of his impassive face startling. She did not trust him; if she said the wrong thing he would turn upon her with such an icy sternness. She knew by now his extreme sensitiveness, for which his acid irony was a protection, and how quickly he could close his heart if his feelings were hurt. She had a moment's irritation at his stupidity. Surely what troubled him most was the wound to his vanity: she vaguely realized that this is the hardest of all wounds to heal. It was singular that men attached so much importance to their wives' faithfulness; when first she had gone with Charlie she had expected to feel quite different, a changed woman; but she had seemed to herself exactly the same, she had experienced only well-being and a greater vitality. She wished now that she had been able to tell Walter that the child was his; the lie would have meant so little to her, and the assurance would have been so great a comfort to him. And after all it might not be a lie: it was funny, that something in her heart which had prevented her from giving herself the benefit of the doubt. How silly men were! Their part in procreation was so unimportant; it was the woman who carried the child through long months of uneasiness and bore it with pain, and yet a man because of his momentary connection made such preposterous claims. Why should that make any difference to him in his feelings towards the child? Then Kitty's thoughts wandered to the child which she herself would bear; she thought of it not with emotion nor with a passion of maternity, but with an idle curiosity.

“I dare say you'd like to think it over a little,” said Walter, breaking the long silence.

“Think what?”

He turned a little as if he were surprised.

“About when you want to go?”

“But I don't want to go.”

“Why not?”

“I like my work at the convent. I think I'm making myself useful. I should prefer to stay as long as you do.”

“I think I should tell you that in your present condition you are probably more liable to catch any infection that happens to be about.”

“I like the discreet way you put it,” she smiled ironically.

“You're not staying for my sake?”

She hesitated. He little knew that now the strongest emotion he excited in her, and the most unexpected, was pity.

“No. You don't love me. I often think I rather bore you.”

“I shouldn't have thought you were the sort of person to put yourself out for a few stuffy nuns and a parcel of Chinese brats.”

Her lips outlined a smile.

“I think it's rather unfair to despise me so much because you made such a mistake in your judgment of me. It's not my fault that you were such an ass.”

“If you're determined to stay you are of course at liberty to do so.”

“I'm sorry I can't give you the opportunity of being magnanimous.” She found it strangely hard to be quite serious with him. “As a matter of fact you're quite right, it's not only for the orphans that I'm staying: you see, I'm in the peculiar position that I haven't got a soul in the world that I can go to. I know no one who wouldn't think me a nuisance. I know no one who cares a row of pins if I'm dead or alive.”

He frowned. But he did not frown in anger.

“We have made a dreadful hash of things, haven't we?” he said.

“Do you still want to divorce me? I don't think I care any more.”

“You must know that by bringing you here I've condoned the offence.”

“I didn't know. You see, I haven't made a study of infidelity. What are we going to do then when we leave here? Are we going on living together?”

“Oh, don't you think we can let the future take care of itself?”

There was the weariness of death in his voice.

第五十七章

夜晚很悶熱，凱蒂坐在窗戶旁邊，看著遠(yuǎn)處那些怪誕的屋頂，在黑夜的星光的照耀下，能夠辨別出那些是中國(guó)寺廟的屋頂。終于，沃爾特回來了，她的眼睛因?yàn)榭薜锰珔柡τ旨t又腫，但是她很鎮(zhèn)靜。盡管她覺得周圍的一切都在騷擾著她，也許只是累極了，令人感到奇怪的是她異常平和。

“我以為你已經(jīng)睡了?！蔽譅柼剡M(jìn)屋后說道。

“我不困，我想坐起來可能會(huì)更涼快點(diǎn)兒。你吃過晚飯了嗎？”

“吃過了。”

他在長(zhǎng)條形的房間里走來走去，她看出來他有話要對(duì)她說。她心里也知道他不知如何開口，她很平靜地等著他說出解決方案。他突然開口了。

“我一直在考慮你今天下午告訴我的那些話，在我看來，如果你走了，可能會(huì)更好一些。我已經(jīng)跟余上校談過了，他會(huì)給你派個(gè)衛(wèi)兵，你還可以帶著女仆陪著你，路上會(huì)很安全的?！?/p>

“我還能去哪兒？”

“你可以去你母親家?！?/p>

“你覺得她看見我會(huì)高興嗎？”

他停頓了一會(huì)兒，有點(diǎn)兒猶豫，好像在考慮什么。

“那你就回香港?！?/p>

“在香港我能干什么？”

“你需要有人照料，我覺得讓你留在這兒是不公平的。”

她忍不住笑了，笑容中不僅有苦澀，還有直白的嘲弄。她瞥了他一眼，快要笑出了聲。

“我不知道為什么你要擔(dān)心我的健康。”

他走到窗戶邊，站在那兒注視著夜空，在沒有一絲云彩的天空上，從來沒有見過有這么多的星星。

“這個(gè)地方不適合你這種情況的女人?！?/p>

她看著他，瘦削身體上穿著白色的衣服，映襯著黑暗，在他英俊的側(cè)影中有某種危險(xiǎn)的東西，然而奇怪的是，此時(shí)此刻，并未激起她的恐懼。

“當(dāng)你堅(jiān)持要我來這兒的時(shí)候，是不是想讓我死在這兒？”她突然問道。

他很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間沒有吭聲，她覺得他故意在裝聾作啞。

“一開始是這樣的?！?/p>

她渾身一哆嗦，因?yàn)檫@是他第一次承認(rèn)了自己的動(dòng)機(jī)，但是她寧愿相信他沒有這種邪惡的想法。她也不恨他，自己的這種感覺讓她吃驚，她甚至有點(diǎn)兒欽佩自己有這種想法，還有那么一點(diǎn)兒覺得好笑。她不知道為什么會(huì)這樣，但突然她想到了查理，在她現(xiàn)在看來，他不過是個(gè)厚顏無恥的蠢貨。

“那你是在冒著可怕的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)?！彼卮鸬溃皬哪忝舾械牧贾慕嵌葋碚f，我想知道如果我死了，你是否能夠原諒你自己?！?/p>

“好吧，你不會(huì)死的，你活得好好的?！?/p>

“在我的生命中，我覺得沒有比現(xiàn)在更好的時(shí)候了。”

她有一種沖動(dòng)，想請(qǐng)求他的寬恕，畢竟他們一起經(jīng)歷了那么多，如今在可怕和被遺棄的土地的包圍中仍然活著?？偸菑?qiáng)調(diào)通奸的荒唐行為似乎是愚昧無能的表現(xiàn)。當(dāng)死神就站在角落里，奪去人們的生命就像園丁拔起土豆，關(guān)注這個(gè)人或那個(gè)人在身體上的不潔失貞是愚蠢的。如果她能讓他認(rèn)識(shí)到現(xiàn)在查理在她眼中是多么一錢不值就好了！如今她已經(jīng)在想象中難覓他的身影，對(duì)他的愛情早已從她的心里連根拔掉了。因?yàn)樗龑?duì)查理已經(jīng)沒有感情了，她和他一起做的很多事已經(jīng)失去意義了。既然她已經(jīng)重新找回了自己的內(nèi)心，她肉體上的出軌似乎就不該受到嚴(yán)厲地抨擊了。她有意跟沃爾特說：“你瞧，你難道不認(rèn)為我們犯傻已經(jīng)夠久了嗎？我們像孩子一樣相互慪氣，為什么我們不能親吻對(duì)方和成為朋友呢？沒有理由僅僅因?yàn)槲覀儾皇乔槿司筒荒艹蔀榕笥蜒??！?/p>

他紋絲不動(dòng)地站在那兒，燈光使得他那張毫無表情、慘白的臉顯得很嚇人。她不信任他，如果她說錯(cuò)了，他會(huì)用冷冰冰的態(tài)度對(duì)待她。她現(xiàn)在才知道他那極度的敏感，他那尖刻的嘲諷就是一種保護(hù)，如果他的感情受到了傷害，他會(huì)很快關(guān)閉他的心靈。她對(duì)他的愚蠢有點(diǎn)兒生氣，最困擾他的事無疑就是對(duì)他虛榮心的傷害，她依稀意識(shí)到這是所有傷害中最難治愈的。男人們把他們妻子的忠貞看得如此之重真是件奇特的事。當(dāng)她第一次和查理約會(huì)的時(shí)候，她以為會(huì)有完全不同的感覺，一個(gè)改變了的女人，但是她似乎還是她自己，完全一樣，她不過是體驗(yàn)到了某種幸福和更多的活力。她現(xiàn)在希望能夠告訴沃爾特孩子是他的就好了，這句謊言對(duì)她來說無所謂，但肯定會(huì)給他帶來最大的安慰。而且，無論怎樣，這句話很可能還不是謊言。真是可笑，在她心中有某種東西已經(jīng)阻止她從模棱兩可的懷疑中給她帶來好處。男人們是多么愚蠢呀！他們繁衍后代的角色是如此無關(guān)緊要，恰恰是女人在懷胎十月期間承受著不便與痛苦，而一個(gè)男人僅僅因?yàn)樗虝旱嘏c此事相關(guān)，便荒唐地宣稱自己是個(gè)偉大的父親。孩子親生與否，對(duì)他們真的那么重要嗎？然后，凱蒂的思想又轉(zhuǎn)移到了她自己所懷的孩子身上，她想到這一點(diǎn)時(shí)，既沒有帶著親密的感情，又沒有帶著母愛的熱情，而是帶著一種無聊的好奇。

“我敢說，你最好還是三思而行?！蔽譅柼卣f道，他的話打破了長(zhǎng)時(shí)間的沉默。

“三思什么？”

他向她轉(zhuǎn)過臉去，好像很吃驚。

“考慮一下你何時(shí)走。”

“可是我不想走。”

“為什么不想走？”

“我喜歡修道院的工作，在那兒我會(huì)覺得自己有用，我寧愿和你一起待在這兒?！?/p>

“我認(rèn)為應(yīng)該告訴你，以你目前的狀況，你可能更容易隨時(shí)感染上霍亂?！?/p>

“我喜歡你做事小心謹(jǐn)慎的方式?！彼爸S地笑著說道。

“你不是因?yàn)槲业木壒什帕粝聛淼陌?？?/p>

她猶豫了一下，他一點(diǎn)兒也不知道現(xiàn)在他在她心中所喚起的最強(qiáng)烈的感情，還有最出乎意料的對(duì)他的心疼。

“不，你不愛我。我經(jīng)常想到，我讓你感覺很厭煩?！?/p>

“我應(yīng)該想到你不是那種為了一些古板的修女和一群中國(guó)的調(diào)皮搗蛋鬼不辭辛苦的人?！?/p>

她的嘴邊露出了一絲微笑。

“我覺得你這么鄙視我是相當(dāng)不公平的，因?yàn)槟銓?duì)我的判斷大錯(cuò)特錯(cuò)，你如此愚蠢不是我的錯(cuò)?！?/p>

“如果你決定留下，你當(dāng)然有自由這么做?！?/p>

“很抱歉，我不能給你這個(gè)顯得你寬宏大量的機(jī)會(huì)。”她很納悶地發(fā)現(xiàn)認(rèn)真地和他交流變得如此困難，“事實(shí)上，你說得很對(duì)，不僅僅是因?yàn)檫@些孤兒我愿意留下來，你知道，我現(xiàn)在的處境很特殊，在這個(gè)世界上我還沒有找到一個(gè)可以追隨的靈魂。我知道根本沒有人在乎我，我知道根本沒有人在乎我的生死?！?/p>

他皺了皺眉頭，但并沒有生氣。

“我們已經(jīng)把事情搞得一團(tuán)糟了，不是嗎？”他說道。

“你還想跟我離婚嗎？我認(rèn)為我不在乎了?！?/p>

“你一定要明白，把你帶到這兒，我已經(jīng)是在縱容自己犯罪了。”

“我不明白，你知道，我對(duì)不忠沒有研究過，當(dāng)我們離開這兒以后，我們會(huì)怎么辦？我們還會(huì)生活在一起嗎？”

“噢，你不認(rèn)為我們可以走一步說一步嗎？”

他的聲音里，有一種極度的疲憊。