雙語·面紗 第四十八章

48

All the next day Kitty thought of the convent; and the morning after, early, soon after Walter had gone, taking the amah with her to get chairs, she crossed the river. It was barely day and the Chinese crowding the ferry boat, some in the blue cotton of the peasant, others in the black robes of respectability, had a strange look of the dead being borne over the water to the land of shadow. And when they stepped ashore they stood for a little at the landing-place uncertainly as though they did not quite know where to go, before desultorily, in twos and threes, they wandered up the hill.

At that hour the streets of the city were very empty so that more than ever it seemed a city of the dead. The passers-by had an abstracted air so that you might almost have thought them ghosts. The sky was unclouded and the early sun shed a heavenly mildness on the scene; it was difficult to imagine, on that blithe, fresh and smiling morn, that the city lay gasping, like a man whose life is being throttled out of him by a maniac's hands, in the dark clutch of the pestilence. It was incredible that nature (the blue of the sky was clear like a child's heart) should be so indifferent when men were writhing in agony and going to their death in fear. When the chairs were set down at the convent door a beggar arose from the ground and asked Kitty for alms. He was clad in faded and shapeless rags that looked as though he had raked them out of a muck-heap, and through their rents you saw his skin hard and rough and tanned like the hide of a goat; his bare legs were emaciated, and his head, with its shock of coarse gray hair (the cheeks hollow, the eyes wild), was the head of a madman. Kitty turned from him in frightened horror, and the chair-bearers in gruff tones bade him begone, but he was importunate, and to be rid of him, shuddering, Kitty gave him a few cash.

The door was opened and the amah explained that Kitty wished to see the Mother Superior. She was taken once more into the stiff parlor in which it seemed a window had never been opened, and here she sat so long that she began to think her message had not been delivered. At last the Mother Superior came in.

“I must ask you to excuse me for keeping you waiting,” she said. “I did not expect you and I was occupied.”

“Forgive me for troubling you. I am afraid I have come at an inconvenient moment.”

The Mother Superior gave her a smile, austere but sweet, and begged her to sit down. But Kitty saw that her eyes were swollen. She had been weeping. Kitty was startled, for she had received from the Mother Superior the impression that she was a woman whom earthly troubles could not greatly move.

“I am afraid something has happened,” she faltered. “Would you like me to go away? I can come another time.”

“No, no. Tell me what I can do for you. It is only--only that one of our Sisters died last night.” Her voice lost its even tone and her eyes filled with tears. “It is wicked of me to grieve, for I know that her good and simple soul has flown straight to heaven; she was a saint; but it is difficult always to control one's weakness. I am afraid I am not always very reasonable.”

“I'm so sorry, I'm so dreadfully sorry,” said Kitty.

Her ready sympathy brought a sob into her voice.

“She was one of the Sisters who came out from France with me ten years ago. There are only three of us left now. I remember, we stood in a little group at the end of the boat (what do you call it, the bow?) and as we steamed out of the harbour at Marseilles and we saw the golden figure of Saint Marie la Grace, we said a prayer together. It had been my greatest wish since I entered religion to be allowed to come to China, but when I saw the land grow distant I could not prevent myself from weeping. I was their Superior; it was not a very good example I was giving my daughters. And then Sister St. Francis Xavier--that is the name of the Sister who died last night--took my hand and told me not to grieve; for wherever we were, she said, there was France and there was God.”

That severe and handsome face was distorted by the grief which human nature wrung from her and by the effort to restrain the tears which her reason and her faith refused. Kitty looked away. She felt that it was indecent to peer into that struggle.

“I have been writing to her father. She, like me, was her mother's only daughter. They were fisher folk in Brittany, and it will be hard for them. Oh, when will this terrible epidemic cease? Two of our girls have been attacked this morning and nothing but a miracle can save them. These Chinese have no resistance. The loss of Sister St. Francis is very severe. There is so much to do and now fewer than ever to do it. We have Sisters at our other houses in China who are eager to come, all our Order, I think, would give anything in the world (only they have nothing) to come here; but it is almost certain death; and so long as we can manage with the Sisters we have I am unwilling that others should be sacrificed.”

“That encourages me, ma mère;” said Kitty.“I have been feeling that I had come at a very unfortunate moment. You said the other day that there was more work than the Sisters could do, and I was wondering if you would allow me to come and help them. I do not mind what I do if I can only be useful. I should be thankful if you just set me to scrub the floors.”

The Mother Superior gave an amused smile and Kitty was astonished at the mobile temperament which could so easily pass from mood to mood.

“There is no need to scrub the floors. That is done after a fashion by the orphans.” She paused and looked kindly at Kitty. “My dear child, do you not think that you have done enough in coming with your husband here? That is more than many wives would have had the courage to do, and for the rest how can you be better occupied than in giving him peace and comfort when he comes home to you after the day's work? Believe me, he needs then all your love and all your consideration.”

Kitty could not easily meet the eyes which rested on her with a detached scrutiny and with an ironical kindliness.

“I have nothing whatever to do from morning till night,” said Kitty. “I feel that there is so much to be done that I cannot bear to think that I am idle. I don't want to make a nuisance of myself, and I know that I have no claim either on your kindness or on your time, but I mean what I say and it would be a charity that you were doing me if you would let me be of some help to you.”

“You do not look very strong. When you did us the pleasure of coming to see us the day before yesterday it seemed to me that you were very pale. Sister St. Joseph thought that perhaps you were going to have a baby.”

“No, no,” cried Kitty, flushing to the roots of her hair.

The Mother Superior gave a little, silvery laugh.

“It is nothing to be ashamed of, my dear child, nor is there anything improbable in the supposition. How long have you been married?”

“I am very pale because I am naturally pale, but I am very strong, and I promise you I am not afraid of work.”

Now the Superior was complete mistress of herself. She assumed unconsciously the air of authority which was habitual to her and she held Kitty in an appraising scrutiny. Kitty felt unaccountably nervous.

“Can you speak Chinese?”

“I'm afraid not,” answered Kitty.

“Ah, that is a pity. I could have put you in charge of the elder girls. It is very difficult just now, and I am afraid they will get--what do you call? Out of hand?” she concluded with a tentative sound.

“Could I not be of help to the Sisters in nursing? I am not at all afraid of the cholera. I could nurse the girls or the soldiers.”

The Mother Superior, unsmiling now, a reflective look on her face, shook her head.

“You do not know what the cholera is. It is a dreadful thing to see. The work in the infirmary is done by soldiers and we need a Sister only to supervise. And so far as the girls are concerned . . . no, no, I am sure your husband would not wish it; it is a terrible and frightening sight.”

“I should grow used to it.”

“No, it is out of the question. It is our business and our privilege to do such things, but there is no call for you to do so.”

“You make me feel very useless and very helpless. It seems incredible that there should be nothing that I can do.”

“Have you spoken to your husband of your wish?”

“Yes.”

The Mother Superior looked at her as though she were delving into the secrets of her heart, but when she saw Kitty's anxious and appealing look she gave a smile.

“Of course you are a Protestant?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“It doesn't matter. Dr. Watson, the missionary who died, was a Protestant, and it made no difference. He was all that was most charming to us. We owe him a deep debt of gratitude.”

Now the flicker of a smile passed over Kitty's face, but she did not say anything. The Mother Superior seemed to reflect. She rose to her feet.

“It is very good of you. I think I can find something for you to do. It is true that now Sister St. Francis has been taken from us, it is impossible for us to cope with the work. When will you be ready to start?”

“Now.”

“à la bonne heure. I am content to hear you say that.”

“I promise you I will do my best. I am very grateful to you for the opportunity that you are giving me.”

The Mother Superior opened the parlor door, but as she was going out she hesitated. Once more she gave Kitty a long, searching and sagacious look. Then she laid her hand gently on her arm.

“You know, my dear child, that one cannot find peace in work or in pleasure, in the world or in a convent, but only in one's soul.”

Kitty gave a little start, but the Mother Superior passed swiftly out.

第四十八章

第二天一整天凱蒂的腦子里都在想著上次去修道院的經(jīng)過。一大早，沃爾特前腳剛走，凱蒂后腳就帶著一個女仆坐上了轎椅，計劃到河對岸去。天剛蒙蒙亮，渡船上已經(jīng)擠滿了中國人，有些是穿著藍(lán)色布衣打扮的農(nóng)民，還有一些是穿著體面的黑長袍的有錢人，但個個表情古怪，好像這趟船要把他們送到陰曹地府去一般。當(dāng)船靠到岸邊的時候，他們站在碼頭愣了一會兒，似乎不十分清楚往哪個方向去，然后三三兩兩、無精打采地向山上走去。

這個時候，城鎮(zhèn)的街道還一片空寂，所以看上去像一座死城。偶爾有幾個路人呆呆地走過，如同孤魂野鬼一般。天空沒有云彩，旭日灑下天堂般暖暖的陽光。難以想象，在這個無憂無慮、充滿新鮮空氣和歡樂氣息的清晨，城鎮(zhèn)像一個人的喉嚨被瘋子的一雙手緊緊掐著，躺在那里大口喘氣，生命正一點點兒地消失。確實，這座城鎮(zhèn)現(xiàn)在難逃瘟疫的魔爪，而大自然（湛藍(lán)的天空，清澈透明得如同孩童的心靈）目睹人們在痛苦中翻滾，在恐懼中一步步走向死亡，竟然無動于衷，真是不可思議。轎椅在修道院的門前放了下來，這時一名乞丐忙從地上站了起來，向凱蒂乞求施舍。他穿著完全看不出顏色與形狀的破麻袋片似的衣服，好像是剛從垃圾堆里淘出來的。透過衣服上破了的大洞，能看見他皮膚堅硬粗糙，曬得就像是山羊皮，兩條光著的腿瘦得像麻稈，亂蓬蓬的頭發(fā)滿是灰塵，臟兮兮的（臉頰塌陷下去，深凹的雙眼放著野性的光），像個瘋子一樣。凱蒂被嚇壞了，趕緊躲過了身子，轎夫們用粗啞的嗓子大聲呵斥他走開，可他仍然糾纏不休，為了擺脫他，凱蒂用發(fā)抖的手扔給了他一些零錢。

修道院的大門開了，凱蒂的女仆上前解釋她的女主人希望面見院長嬤嬤。她又一次被領(lǐng)進(jìn)了那間密不透風(fēng)的客廳，那里的窗戶似乎從來沒有打開過。在客廳里，凱蒂坐著等了很長時間，心里開始嘀咕口信是不是沒有帶到。最后，院長嬤嬤終于出現(xiàn)了。

“讓你久等了，真是不好意思。”她說道，“我沒想到你會來，又不巧被別的事情絆住了?！?/p>

“請原諒我打擾您，我恐怕來得不是時候?！?/p>

院長嬤嬤沖她笑了笑，笑容雖然不是很燦爛，但也還算甜美，她請凱蒂坐下。然而，凱蒂注意到她的雙眼紅腫，顯然一直在哭。凱蒂吃了一驚，因為院長嬤嬤給她的印象是一個不受世俗干擾，不會輕易動感情的女人。

“是不是出了什么事？”她有些遲疑地問道，“您想讓我離開嗎？我可以換個時間再來。”

“不用，不用，告訴我能為您做點兒什么，只是——只是我們的一位修女昨晚去世了?！彼穆曇羰チ似椒€(wěn)的語調(diào)，眼中又涌滿了淚水，“我悲傷其實是不對的，她是個圣徒，我知道她善良和純樸的靈魂已經(jīng)直接飛進(jìn)了天堂。但是一個人的弱點總是很難控制住，恐怕我也不能永遠(yuǎn)保持理性?！?/p>

“聽您這么說，我真的替您難過?！眲P蒂說道。

嬤嬤固有的悲天憫人之情再次讓她的聲音哽咽。

“她是十年前和我一起從法國來這兒的姐妹，現(xiàn)在我們只剩下三個姐妹了。我至今還記得，我們一小群人站在輪船的盡頭（你們把它叫什么，船頭嗎？），當(dāng)船駛出馬賽港的時候，我們看到了圣母瑪利亞閃著金光的雕像，我們一起禱告著。自從我入教以來，能夠被派到中國一直是我最大的愿望，但是當(dāng)我看到岸上的土地漸漸離我遠(yuǎn)去的時候，還是情不自禁地哭了。我是這群姐妹中帶隊的，我知道自己沒有給她們樹立一個好榜樣。那時，圣弗朗西斯·夏維爾修女——這是昨天晚上死去的修女的名字——拉著我的手，告訴我不要難過，無論我們?nèi)ツ睦铮f，法國和上帝永遠(yuǎn)伴隨著我們。”

嬤嬤那張嚴(yán)肅、美麗的臉龐因為悲痛扭曲了，人性使她痛苦萬分，而她的理性和信仰又迫使她要努力控制住自己的淚水。凱蒂扭過頭去，她覺得自己無心中窺見了嬤嬤內(nèi)心的掙扎與沖突是件尷尬的事。

“我剛才一直在給她的父親寫信，她和我一樣，是獨生女，她的父母在布列塔尼靠打魚為生，聽到這個消息對他們是多么大的打擊呀。噢，這場可怕的瘟疫什么時候能結(jié)束？今天上午我們這里又有兩個女孩子染上了霍亂，除非奇跡發(fā)生，她們才有可能獲救，這些中國人沒有什么抵抗力。圣弗朗西斯修女的去世是個重大損失，這里又有那么多的工作要做，可現(xiàn)在的人手變得更少了。我們還有一些姐妹在中國其他地方的修道院里，她們都急切地想過來幫忙。我們所有的神職人員都是如此，我覺得，他們會傾其所有（當(dāng)然，他們實際上一無所有）來這兒，但到了這兒注定會回不去的。只要我們現(xiàn)有的姐妹能夠忙得過來，我不愿意其他人去做無謂的犧牲?！?/p>

“您的話鼓舞了我，嬤嬤?！眲P蒂說道，“我一直覺得我在一個不幸的時候來到了這兒。您那天說這兒有太多的工作要做，修女們忙不過來。我想知道您是否能允許我過來給她們幫忙，只要能搭把手，我不在乎干什么，哪怕您派給我擦地板的活兒，我都感激不盡?！?/p>

院長嬤嬤笑了笑，似乎覺得凱蒂的話很有趣，看到她的情緒很輕易地就改變了，凱蒂還是有些吃驚。

“沒必要擦地板，那種活兒可以讓孤兒們干?！彼ｎD了一下，很和善地看著凱蒂，“我親愛的孩子，難道你不認(rèn)為你能陪自己的丈夫一起來這個地方已經(jīng)做得夠多的了嗎？很多人的妻子是不會有勇氣這樣做的。除此之外，你丈夫結(jié)束一天的工作回到家里，你能給他溫暖、舒適和寧靜的港灣讓他休息，除此以外，沒有什么比這更重要的了，對嗎？相信我，他需要你全身心的愛和所有的體貼照顧。”

凱蒂無法輕松地與嬤嬤對視，后者正在用一種超然的審視和半開玩笑的好意注視著她。

“我從早到晚沒什么事可做?！眲P蒂說道，“我覺得這里有這么多的事情要做，我不能忍受自己可以整天吃閑飯，不想讓自己成為一個廢物。我知道自己沒有權(quán)利要求您好心地同意我的請求，或者占用您過多的時間纏著您，但我想再解釋一下我說的話。如果您能同意我過來幫忙的話，實際上您是在為我做一件好事。”

“你看上去身體可不怎么好，你前天大駕光臨來看我們的時候，我覺得你的臉色好像很蒼白，圣約瑟夫修女認(rèn)為你可能懷孕了。”

“沒有，沒有。”凱蒂喊了起來，臉一下子紅到了耳根。

院長嬤嬤發(fā)出了一陣清脆的笑聲。

“沒什么可害臊的，我親愛的孩子，這種猜測也不是不可能，你結(jié)婚多久了？”

“我臉色很蒼白是因為天生膚色就白，但我的身體很好，我向您保證我不怕干活?！?/p>

此時，嬤嬤又恢復(fù)了院長的威嚴(yán)，無意之間又流露出了早習(xí)以為常的拍板做主的神態(tài)。她上下打量著凱蒂，讓凱蒂立刻覺得有種說不出來的緊張。

“您會說中文嗎？”

“恐怕不會?！眲P蒂答道。

“嗯，有點兒可惜，我本來是想讓你管理那些歲數(shù)大一些的女孩子的?，F(xiàn)在那邊很困難，我擔(dān)心她們會——你們怎么說來著？缺人手嗎？”她以一種想找到合適詞匯的口吻下了結(jié)論。

“我不能幫助姐妹們照料病人嗎？我一點兒也不怕霍亂，我可以護(hù)理生病的女孩子或者士兵?！?/p>

院長嬤嬤的笑容從臉上消失了，用一種沉思的目光看著凱蒂的臉，然后搖了搖頭。

“你還不了解霍亂到底是一種什么病，它是非?？膳碌?，醫(yī)院的工作士兵們可以完成，我們只派了一位姐妹去督導(dǎo)，至于說到女孩子們……不行，不行，我敢肯定你丈夫不會同意讓你做這事的，那真的是一個可怕和讓人難以面對的景象?！?/p>

“我會慢慢適應(yīng)的?！?/p>

“不行，這行不通。這是我們的事情，只有我們才有責(zé)任做這種工作，你沒有義務(wù)去做。”

“您讓我覺得自己好沒用，什么忙也幫不上，如果說這兒沒有我能干的事，好像不太可能吧。”

“你跟你丈夫說起過這個想法嗎？”

“說過?！?/p>

院長嬤嬤盯著她，好像要看透她心頭的秘密似的，可當(dāng)她看到凱蒂焦急而又充滿期待的目光時，她笑了。

“顯然你是個新教教徒吧？”她問道。

“是的?！?/p>

“沒關(guān)系，魏特森醫(yī)生，那位前不久去世的傳教士，也是個新教教徒，也沒什么影響。在我們眼中，他是個大好人，我們對他懷有深深的謝意，覺得欠了他很多?！?/p>

這時凱蒂的臉上閃過一絲微笑，但沒有吭聲。院長嬤嬤似乎下了決心，她站起身來。

“你真是太好了，我認(rèn)為可以為你找點兒事情做?，F(xiàn)在事實上死神已經(jīng)把圣弗朗西斯修女從我們身邊奪走了，我們要應(yīng)付這么多工作也不太可能了，你準(zhǔn)備什么時間開始工作？”

“現(xiàn)在就可以?！?/p>

“那太好了，[1]我很高興聽你這么說。”

“我向您保證我會竭盡全力的。非常感謝您給我的這個機(jī)會?！?/p>

院長嬤嬤打開了客廳的門，但是剛要出去的時候又猶豫了。她再次用探詢和睿智的目光看了凱蒂大半天，然后把手輕輕地放在她的手臂上。

“要知道，我親愛的孩子，一個人是無法在工作或歡愉中找到安寧的，無論是在俗世，還是在修道院，它只存在于自己的靈魂深處?！?/p>

凱蒂一激靈，可她還沒緩過神來，院長嬤嬤就很快地從她身邊走過，出了房門。

* * *

[1]原文為法語。