雙語·面紗 第四十五章

But after all it was the nuns that had most deeply touched her. Sister St. Joseph, with her merry face and apple-red cheeks; she had been one of the little band that came out to China with the Mother Superior ten years before and she had seen one after another of her companions die of disease, privation, and homesickness; and yet she remained cheerful and happy. What was it that gave her that na?ve and charming humour? And the Mother Superior. Kitty in fancy stood again in her presence and once more she felt humble and ashamed. Though she was so simple and unaffected she had a native dignity which inspired awe, and you could not imagine that any one could treat her without respect. Sister St. Joseph by the way she stood, by every small gesture and the intonation of her answers, had shown the deep submission in which she held herself; and Waddington, frivolous and impertinent, had shown by his tone that he was not quite at his ease. Kitty thought it unnecessary to have told her that the Mother Superior belonged to one of the great families of France; there was that in her bearing which suggested ancient race, and she had the authority of one who has never known that it is possible to be disobeyed. She had the condescension of a great lady and the humility of a saint. There was in her strong, handsome and ravaged face an austerity that was passionate; and at the same time she had a solicitude and a gentleness which permitted those little children to cluster, noisy and unafraid, in the assurance of her deep affection. When she had looked at the four new-born babies she had worn a smile that was sweet and yet profound: it was like a ray of sunshine on a wild and desolate heath. What Sister St. Joseph had said so carelessly of Walter moved Kitty strangely; she knew that he had desperately wanted her to bear a child, but she had never suspected from his reticence that he was capable with a baby of showing without embarrassment a charming and playful tenderness. Most men were silly and awkward with babies. How strange he was!

But to all that moving experience there had been a shadow (a dark lining to the silver cloud), insistent and plain, which disconcerted her. In the sober gaiety of Sister St. Joseph, and much more in the beautiful courtesy of the Mother Superior, she had felt an aloofness which oppressed her. They were friendly and even cordial, but at the same time they held something back, she knew not what, so that she was conscious that she was nothing but a casual stranger. There was a barrier between her and them. They spoke a different language not only of the tongue but of the heart. And when the door was closed upon her she felt that they had put her out of their minds so completely, going about their neglected work again without delay, that for them she might never have existed. She felt shut out not only from that poor little convent, but from some mysterious garden of the spirit after which with all her soul she hankered. She felt on a sudden alone as she had never felt alone before. That was why she had wept.

And now, throwing back her head wearily, she sighed: “Oh, I'm so worthless.”

畢竟正是這些修女深深地打動了她。圣約瑟夫修女那歡快的面孔和像蘋果一樣紅撲撲的臉蛋在凱蒂的腦海中縈繞。圣約瑟夫修女是十年前最早一批跟隨院長嬤嬤來到中國的人中的一個，她目睹了她的伙伴們一個接著一個地死去，疾病、食物的匱乏和對家鄉(xiāng)的思念無時無刻不在撕扯著她們，然而，她依然保持著幸福和歡樂，究竟是什么東西給了她天真和快樂的力量？還有院長嬤嬤，凱蒂想象自己再次站在她的面前，又一次感受到了自己的謙卑和羞愧。雖然院長嬤嬤穿著簡樸，沒有任何裝飾，但她身上有種天生的威嚴(yán)，使人心生敬畏，你無法想象能有人不尊重她。圣約瑟夫修女在院長嬤嬤身邊站著，每一個小的手勢以及回答中的語調(diào)，無一不顯示出她對院長嬤嬤深深的折服。而威廷頓雖然輕率和莽撞，但從他說話的口吻中可以看出在嬤嬤面前他已經(jīng)大為收斂了。凱蒂覺得完全沒有必要告訴她院長嬤嬤出身于法國的一個顯赫家族，因?yàn)樵趮邒叩呐e手投足中就透著貴族氣質(zhì)，她身上有種不怒自威之氣，別人可能不知道它從何而來，但不得不臣服。她既有一個偉大女士的謙遜，又有作為圣徒的謙卑，在她堅(jiān)定、美麗和飽受歲月摧殘的臉上，簡樸的修行煥發(fā)出熱情的光彩。同時，她心中對蕓蕓眾生的牽掛和溫柔仁慈才能讓那些小孩子嘰嘰喳喳但毫不害怕地圍繞在她身旁，因?yàn)樵谒龑λ麄兩钌畹膼鄣幕\罩下，他們能得到保護(hù)和安慰。她看著那四個新生的嬰兒時，臉上露出甜蜜的微笑，也帶著深深的感情，就像一縷陽光照在了曠野中瘋長而孤獨(dú)的石楠上。圣約瑟夫修女無意中說的那些有關(guān)沃爾特的話也讓凱蒂感到了莫名的感動，她知道沃爾特急切地想讓她生個孩子，雖然沃爾特平時寡言少語，但她從不懷疑他能夠整天逗孩子玩，放下大人的身段，展示他孩童的本性，而現(xiàn)在大多數(shù)的男人帶孩子時總是笨手笨腳，沃爾特是個多么奇怪的人?。?/p>

但是，所有感人的體驗(yàn)總有一種陰影（就像銀白色的云朵鑲著黑襯）揮之不去，讓她覺得不安。在圣約瑟夫修女單純的歡快，更多的是在院長嬤嬤優(yōu)雅的彬彬有禮中，凱蒂感覺到和她們之間還是有距離的。修女們是很友好，甚至可以說是真誠，但與此同時她們也有所保留，她不知道究竟是什么，她隱約感覺到自己只不過是個普通的陌生人，她與修女們之間有一重障礙在隔著她們，她們說著不同的語言，不僅僅是意思上的交流，而更多的是心靈的溝通。當(dāng)她身后的大門關(guān)上的時候，她覺得自己已經(jīng)被她們完全忘到了腦后，又一刻不停地去忙她們剛才被耽誤的工作去了，對于她們來說，她好像根本不存在。她覺得自己不僅被那所貧困的小修道院關(guān)在了門外，而且被某個她全身心渴求的、神秘的精神花園關(guān)在了外面。她感到了一種以前從未感受到過的孤獨(dú)，這就是她又哭起來的原因。

這會兒，她疲倦地把頭往后一靠，嘆息道：“噢，我真沒用?！?/p>