The circumstances of Blanche Stroeve's death necessitated all manner of dreadful formalities, but at last we were allowed to bury her. Dirk and I alone followed the hearse to the cemetery.We went at a foot-pace, but on the way back we trotted, and there was something to my mind singularly horrible in the way the driver of the hearse whipped up his horses.It seemed to dismiss the dead with a shrug of the shoulders.Now and then I caught sight of the swaying hearse in front of us, and our own driver urged his pair so that we might not remain behind.I felt in myself, too, the desire to get the whole thing out of my mind.I was beginning to be bored with a tragedy that did not really concern me, and pretending to myself that I spoke in order to distract Stroeve, I turned with relief to other subjects.
“Don't you think you'd better go away for a bit?”I said.“There can be no object in your staying in Paris now.”
He did not answer, but I went on ruthlessly:
“Have you made any plans for the immediate future?”
“No.”
“You must try and gather together the threads again. Why don't you go down to Italy and start working?”
Again he made no reply, but the driver of our carriage came to my rescue. Slackening his pace for a moment, he leaned over and spoke.I could not hear what he said, so I put my head out of the window;he wanted to know where we wished to be set down.I told him to wait a minute.
“You'd better come and have lunch with me,”I said to Dirk.“I'll tell him to drop us in the Place Pigalle.”
“I'd rather not. I want to go to the studio.”
I hesitated a moment.
“Would you like me to come with you?”I asked then.
“No;I should prefer to be alone.”
“All right.”
I gave the driver the necessary direction, and in renewed silence we drove on. Dirk had not been to the studio since the wretched morning on which they had taken Blanche to the hospital.I was glad he did not want me to accompany him, and when I left him at the door I walked away with relief.I took a new pleasure in the streets of Paris, and I looked with smiling eyes at the people who hurried to and fro.The day was fne and sunny, and I felt in myself a more acute delight in life.I could not help it;I put Stroeve and his sorrows out of my mind.I wanted to enjoy.
布蘭奇·斯特羅伊夫的死因?yàn)榍闆r特殊,需要辦理所有煩人的手續(xù),但最后我們還是得到允許把她埋葬了。就迪爾柯和我兩個(gè)人護(hù)送靈柩運(yùn)往墓地。我們?nèi)サ臅r(shí)候就是平常走路的速度,可回來(lái)的路上,馬兒一路小跑,因?yàn)檐?chē)夫不斷抽打著兩匹馬,讓我心中涌起了莫名的恐怖感,似乎車(chē)上的人要抖動(dòng)肩膀把死人擺脫掉一樣。時(shí)不時(shí)地我能看到我們前面搖搖晃晃的柩車(chē),我們的車(chē)夫吆喝著他的一對(duì)馬兒,免得我們落后太遠(yuǎn)。我自己也暗自思忖,想把這件事從我的腦海中趕出去。我對(duì)這件跟我實(shí)際上關(guān)系不大的悲劇開(kāi)始感到厭煩了。我假裝跟自己說(shuō),我要沒(méi)話(huà)找話(huà)是為了分散斯特羅伊夫的注意力,實(shí)際上談點(diǎn)別的話(huà)題也是為了讓自己能松口氣。
“你沒(méi)想過(guò)你最好能離開(kāi)一段時(shí)間嗎?”我說(shuō),“你現(xiàn)在在巴黎也沒(méi)有什么可牽掛的了?!?/p>
他沒(méi)作聲,但我繼續(xù)無(wú)情地追問(wèn)下去。
“你對(duì)眼前的日子有什么計(jì)劃嗎?”
“沒(méi)有?!?/p>
“你一定得理清頭緒振作起來(lái)。為什么不到意大利去重新開(kāi)始畫(huà)畫(huà)呢?”
他又一次沒(méi)有作答,但是我們馬車(chē)的車(chē)夫出來(lái)救了我的駕。他讓馬兒步伐放慢了一會(huì)兒,斜過(guò)身子開(kāi)始說(shuō)話(huà)。我聽(tīng)不清他在說(shuō)什么,于是我把頭伸出了車(chē)窗外。車(chē)夫想知道我們?cè)谀膬郝淠_,我告訴他等我一分鐘。
“你最好來(lái)跟我一起吃午飯吧,”我對(duì)迪爾柯說(shuō),“我告訴他在皮卡爾廣場(chǎng)把我們放下吧?!?/p>
“我還是不去了,我想回我的畫(huà)室。”
我猶豫了片刻。
“你想讓我陪你一起去嗎?”我隨后問(wèn)道。
“不用,我更想一個(gè)人回去。”
“那好吧。”
我給車(chē)夫指示了要走的方向,在再次的沉寂中,馬車(chē)?yán)覀兝^續(xù)走著。迪爾柯在那個(gè)悲慘的上午,也就是他們把布蘭奇送進(jìn)醫(yī)院的那天之后,再也沒(méi)回過(guò)他的畫(huà)室。我很高興他沒(méi)讓我陪著他,在他家門(mén)口我和他分了手,我如釋重負(fù)地走開(kāi)了。在巴黎的街道上,我又涌起了新的喜悅,用微笑的雙眼看著周?chē)鷣?lái)來(lái)往往、匆匆而過(guò)的人們。天空晴朗,陽(yáng)光明媚,我覺(jué)得自己充溢著生活的歡愉,我無(wú)法自禁,就是開(kāi)心。我把斯特羅伊夫和他的悲傷從腦海中拋到了九霄云外,我要盡情地享受生活。
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