演講MP3+雙語文稿:越來越多的人不想結(jié)婚？晚婚的理由

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【演講人】George Blair-West

【演講主題】《越來越多的人不想結(jié)婚？》

【演講文稿-中英文】

翻譯者 Yolanda Zhang 校對 TED Translators Admin

00:16

Almost 50 years ago, psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory of the most distressing human experiences that we could have. Number one on the list? Death of a spouse. Number two, divorce. Three, marital separation. Now, generally, but not always, for those three to occur, we need what comes in number seven on the list, which is marriage.

差不多五十年前， 精神病學(xué)家理查德 · 賴特 和托馬斯 · 赫姆斯列出了一份清單， 包含了我們所能擁有的 最痛苦的人類經(jīng)歷。 排名第一的是配偶的去世。 第二：離婚。 第三：婚內(nèi)分居。 通常是這樣，但并非總是如此， 要讓這三件事情發(fā)生，我們 需要先實現(xiàn)名單上的第七條， 也就是婚姻。

00:45

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

00:47

Fourth on the list is imprisonment in an institution. Now, some say number seven has been counted twice.

名單上的第四條是在監(jiān)獄里被監(jiān)禁。 有人會說第七條已經(jīng)算了兩次。 （譯者注：將婚姻比做囚牢）

00:55

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

00:59

I don't believe that.

對此我并不認(rèn)同。

01:01

When the life stress inventory was built, back then, a long-term relationship pretty much equated to a marriage. Not so now. So for the purposes of this talk, I'm going to be including de facto relationships, common-law marriages and same-sex marriages, or same-sex relationships soon hopefully to become marriages. And I can say from my work with same-sex couples, the principles I'm about to talk about are no different. They're the same across all relationships.

在這份生活壓力清單 誕生的那個年代， 一個長期的關(guān)系幾乎等同于婚姻。 現(xiàn)在情況已經(jīng)不同了， 為了本次演講的目的，我將會考慮 同居關(guān)系，事實婚姻， 以及同性婚姻， 或者說同性關(guān)系， 希望很快會成為婚姻。 基于我與若干對同性伴侶的合作， 我要談的原則沒有什么不同， 它們在所有關(guān)系中都適用。

01:36

So in a modern society, we know that prevention is better than cure. We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles. We have awareness campaigns for melanoma, stroke, diabetes -- all important campaigns. But none of those conditions come close to affecting 45 percent of us. Forty-five percent: that's our current divorce rate. Why no prevention campaign for divorce?

在現(xiàn)代社會中， 我們知道預(yù)防勝于治療。 我們接種疫苗預(yù)防脊髓灰質(zhì)炎， 白喉，破傷風(fēng)，百日咳，麻疹。 我們還開展了關(guān)于黑色素瘤、 中風(fēng)、糖尿病的認(rèn)知運動。 這些都是重要的運動， 但其中沒有一項 能影響接近45%的人口。 45%。 這就是我們目前的離婚率。 為什么沒有預(yù)防離婚的運動？

02:12

Well, I think it's because our policymakers don't believe that things like attraction and the way relationships are built is changeable or educable. Why? Well, our policymakers currently are Generation X. They're in their 30s to 50s. And when I'm talking to these guys about these issues, I see their eyes glaze over, and I can see them thinking, "Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it? You can't control the way in which people attract other people and build relationships." Not so, our dear millennials. This is the most information-connected, analytical and skeptical generation, making the most informed decisions of any generation before them. And when I talk to millennials, I get a very different reaction. They actually want to hear about this. They want to know about how do we have relationships that last?

我認(rèn)為這是因為我們的 政策制定者不相信 吸引力和建立關(guān)系的方式是 可以改變的，或者可以教育的。 為什么呢？ 事實上，目前我們的 政策制定者是X一代， 他們的年齡在 30 至 60 歲。 當(dāng)我和這些人談?wù)撨@些問題時， 我看到他們一臉茫然， 很顯然他們在想： “難道這個瘋狂的 精神病學(xué)家不明白嗎？ 你不能控制人們相互吸引 和建立關(guān)系的方式。” 而對我們親愛的千禧一代 來說并不是這樣。 這是信息聯(lián)系最緊密、分析能力最強(qiáng)、 最具懷疑精神的一代， 相比之前的任何一代人， 他們能做出最明智的決定。 當(dāng)我和千禧一代交談時， 我得到了一個非常不同的反應(yīng)。 他們樂意洗耳恭聽。 他們想知道我們該如何 維持長久的關(guān)系。

03:19

So for those of you who want to embrace the post- "romantic destiny" era with me, let me talk about my three life hacks for preventing divorce. Now, we can intervene to prevent divorce at two points: later, once the cracks begin to appear in an established relationship; or earlier, before we commit, before we have children. And that's where I'm going to take us now.

所以，對于那些想和我一起 擁抱“后浪漫命運”時代的人， 不妨聽我說說三個 防止離婚的生活技巧。 我們可以在兩個時間點 進(jìn)行干預(yù)，以防止離婚： 在后期，當(dāng)一個確定的 關(guān)系出現(xiàn)了裂縫； 或者在早期，在我們做出 承諾之前，生孩子之前， 這就是我現(xiàn)在要討論的時期。

03:46

So my first life hack: millennials spend seven-plus hours on their devices a day. That's American data. And some say, probably not unreasonably, this has probably affected their face-to-face relationships. Indeed, and add to that the hookup culture, ergo apps like Tinder, and it's no great surprise that the 20-somethings that I work with will often talk to me about how it is often easier for them to have sex with somebody that they've met than have a meaningful conversation.

我的第一個生活技巧： 千禧一代每天花在電子設(shè)備上的 時間達(dá)到了七小時以上。 這是美國的數(shù)據(jù)。 有人說，該說法可能不無道理， 這可能會影響他們面對面時的關(guān)系。 的確，而且這種“牽線文化”催生了 像Tinder這樣的應(yīng)用程序， 這也難怪，與我合作的 那些 20 多歲的年輕人 往往會和我談到， 相比展開一次有意義的對話， 跟遇到的人直接發(fā)生性關(guān)系， 常常更容易。

04:22

Now, some say this is a bad thing. I say this is a really good thing. It's a particularly good thing to be having sex outside of the institution of marriage. Now, before you go out and get all moral on me, remember that Generation X, in the American Public Report, they found that 91 percent of women had had premarital sex by the age of 30. Ninety-one percent. It's a particularly good thing that these relationships are happening later. See, boomers in the '60s -- they were getting married at an average age for women of 20 and 23 for men. 2015 in Australia? That is now 30 for women and 32 for men. That's a good thing, because the older you are when you get married, the lower your divorce rate. Why? Why is it helpful to get married later? Three reasons.

有人說這是件壞事兒。 我卻說這真是一件好事兒。 在婚姻制度之外發(fā)生性關(guān)系 尤其是件好事兒。 不過在你開始評論我的道德觀之前， 別忘了，在《美國公共報告》中， 他們發(fā)現(xiàn) X 一代中 有 91% 的女性在 30 歲之前 有過婚前性行為。 91%。 這些關(guān)系在較晚的時候 發(fā)生尤其是個好現(xiàn)象。 想想看，60 年代嬰兒潮 時期出生的人們—— 他們結(jié)婚時女性平均為20 歲， 男性為 23 歲。 2015 年澳大利亞的數(shù)據(jù)表明， 女性婚齡推遲到了30歲，男性是32歲。 這是件好事，因為你越是晚婚， 離婚率就越低。 為什么呢？ 為什么晚婚有助于維持婚姻？ 有三個原因。

05:26

Firstly, getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce to come into play. They are tertiary education and a higher income, which tends to go with tertiary education. So these three factors all kind of get mixed up together. Number two, neuroplasticity research tell us that the human brain is still growing until at least the age of 25. So that means how you're thinking and what you're thinking is still changing up until 25. And thirdly, and most importantly to my mind, is personality. Your personality at the age of 20 does not correlate with your personality at the age of 50. But your personality at the age of 30 does correlate with your personality at the age of 50. So when I ask somebody who got married young why they broke up, and they say, "We grew apart," they're being surprisingly accurate, because the 20s is a decade of rapid change and maturation.

首先，晚婚可以讓 防止離婚的另外兩個因素 發(fā)揮作用， 即高等教育， 和較高的收入，這樣的人 也往往愿意與高學(xué)歷的人結(jié)婚。 這三個因素幾乎是交織在一起的。 第二： 神經(jīng)可塑性研究告訴我們， 人類的大腦在 25 歲之前仍然在發(fā)育。 這意味著你的思維方式 以及你所思考的事物 在 25 歲之前都是不斷變化的。 第三，對我來說最重要的是人格。 你在 20 歲時的人格 與 50 歲時的人格并不相關(guān)。 但是你在 30 歲時的人格 與50 歲時的人格有關(guān)。 所以，當(dāng)我問一個早婚的人 他們?yōu)槭裁捶质郑?他們會說，“我們都變了。” 真是一語中的， 因為 20 多歲正是人們 迅速變化和成熟的十年。

06:25

So the first thing you want to get before you get married is older.

所以你在結(jié)婚前想做的 第一件事就是變老。

06:31

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

06:34

Number two, John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher, can tell us many factors that correlate with a happy, successful marriage. But the one that I want to talk about is a big one: 81 percent of marriages implode, self-destruct, if this problem is present. And the second reason why I want to talk about it here is because it's something you can evaluate while you're dating. Gottman found that the relationships that were the most stable and happy over the longer term were relationships in which the couple shared power. They were influenceable: big decisions, like buying a house, overseas trips, buying a car, having children. But when Gottman drilled down on this data, what he found was that women were generally pretty influenceable. Guess where the problem lay?

第二。 心理學(xué)家和關(guān)系研究員約翰 · 戈特曼 可以告訴我們許多與幸福和 成功的婚姻相關(guān)的因素。 但我想談的是個 很大的因素。 存在這個問題的婚姻中 有80%會破裂并走向終結(jié)。 我想在這里談?wù)撍?是因為你在約會時就可以對它進(jìn)行評估。 戈特曼發(fā)現(xiàn)，在那些最穩(wěn)定和辛福的 長期關(guān)系中， 夫妻雙方會共享權(quán)力。 他們相互影響： 在大決定的決定上，比如 買房子，出國旅行，買車， 生孩子。 但是當(dāng)戈特曼 深入研究這些數(shù)據(jù)時， 他發(fā)現(xiàn)女性通常 都是易受影響的。 猜猜問題在哪里？

07:36

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

07:37

Yeah, there's only two options here, isn't there? Yeah, we men were to blame. The other thing that Gottman found is that men who are influenceable also tended to be "outstanding fathers." So women: How influenceable is your man? Men: you're with her because you respect her. Make sure that respect plays out in the decision-making process.

沒錯，這里只有兩個選擇。 是的，責(zé)任在我們男人身上。 戈特曼發(fā)現(xiàn)的另一件事是， 愿意被影響的男人 也往往被認(rèn)為是 “杰出的父親。” 那么女士們，你的男人 有多么愿意受你影響？ 先生們： 你和她在一起，因為你尊重她。 請確保你在做決定時 也會帶著這樣的尊重。

08:15

Number three. I'm often intrigued by why couples come in to see me after they've been married for 30 or 40 years. This is a time when they're approaching the infirmities and illness of old age. It's a time when they're particularly focused on caring for each other. They'll forgive things that have bugged them for years. They'll forgive all betrayals, even infidelities, because they're focused on caring for each other. So what pulls them apart? The best word I have for this is reliability, or the lack thereof. Does your partner have your back? It takes two forms. Firstly, can you rely on your partner to do what they say they're going to do? Do they follow through? Secondly, if, for example, you're out and you're being verbally attacked by somebody, or you're suffering from a really disabling illness, does your partner step up and do what needs to be done to leave you feeling cared for and protected? And here's the rub: if you're facing old age, and your partner isn't doing that for you -- in fact, you're having to do that for them -- then in an already-fragile relationship, it can look a bit like you might be better off out of it rather than in it.

第三。 我常常很好奇，為什么那些夫妻 在結(jié)婚了三四十年之后才來找我。 在這段時期，他們正在經(jīng)歷 高齡帶來的衰弱和疾病， 也正是在這段時期， 他們特別專注于彼此照顧。 他們會原諒多年來困擾他們的事。 他們會原諒舊日的背叛甚至不忠， 因為他們專注于彼此關(guān)懷。 那么是什么把他們分開了呢？ 對此，我能想到的 最恰當(dāng)?shù)脑~是可靠性， 或缺乏可靠性。 你的伴侶支持你嗎？ 支持有兩種形式。 首先，你相信你的伴侶 會說到做到嗎？ 他們會堅持到底嗎？ 其次， 比如說， 如果你出門在外被人用言辭羞辱， 或者你患有一種 讓你生活無法自理的疾病， 你的伴侶是否會做出相應(yīng)的行動， 讓你感到被人照顧和保護(hù)？ 這就是問題所在： 如果你已步入暮年， 而你的伴侶并沒有做到這些—— 事實上，你反而不得不 為他們這樣做—— 而你們的關(guān)系已經(jīng)脆弱不堪， 那么看上去脫離 這段關(guān)系對你來說更好。

09:42

So is your partner there for you when it really matters? Not all the time, 80 percent of the time, but particularly if it's important to you. On your side, think carefully before you commit to do something for your partner. It is much better to commit to as much as you can follow through than to commit to more sound-good-in-the-moment and then let them down. And if it's really important to your partner, and you commit to it, make sure you move hell and high water to follow through.

在重要的時候， 你的伴侶會陪著你嗎？我不是說所有的時間，80%的時間， 特別是在很重要的事情上。 對你來說，在你對伴侶做出承諾前要三思而行。 能夠量力而行的做出承諾，相比 當(dāng)時信誓旦旦，后來卻讓他們失望 要好得多。 如果這對你的伴侶非常重要， 并且你已經(jīng)做出了承諾， 請確保你無論如何都要兌現(xiàn)諾言。

10:22

Now, these are things that I'm saying you can look for. Don't worry, these are also things that can be built in existing relationships.

這些就是你可以審視的東西。 不過別擔(dān)心，這些也可以在現(xiàn)有的 關(guān)系中建立。

10:33

I believe that the most important decision that you can make is who you choose as a life partner, who you choose as the other parent of your children. And of course, romance has to be there. Romance is a grand and beautiful and quirky thing. But we need to add to a romantic, loving heart an informed, thoughtful mind, as we make the most important decision of our life.

我認(rèn)為，你可以做出的 最重要的決定 就是選擇誰作為生活伴侶， 選擇誰作為孩子的另一個家長。 當(dāng)然，浪漫不能少， 浪漫是一件盛大，美麗 而又神奇的事情。 但當(dāng)我們做出生命中 最重要的決定時， 還要懷有一顆浪漫的，充滿愛的心， 以及一個理解的，體貼周到的頭腦。

11:07

Thank you.

謝謝大家。

11:08

(Applause)

（掌聲）