演講MP3+雙語文稿:當(dāng)壞事無端發(fā)生在你身上，還怎么相信好人有好報

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【演講人】Kate Bowler

【演講主題】《當(dāng)壞事無端發(fā)生在你身上，還怎么相信好人有好報》

【演講文稿-中英文】

翻譯者Buyun Ping校對Carol Wang

00:12

There is some medical news that nobody, absolutely nobody,is prepared to hear.I certainly wasn't.

有一些醫(yī)療消息，絕對沒人希望聽到。我當(dāng)然也沒有。

00:20

It was three years ago that I got a call in my officewith the test results of a recent scan.I was 35 and finally living the life I wanted.I married my high school sweetheartand had finally gotten pregnant after years of infertility.And then suddenly we had a Zach,a perfect one-year-old boy/dinosaur,depending on his mood.And having a Zach suited me perfectly.I had gotten the first job I applied for in academia,land of a thousand crushed dreams.And there I was,working at my dream jobwith my little babyand the man I had imported from Canada.

三年前，我在辦公室接到一通電話，是我最近一次醫(yī)療掃描的結(jié)果。我當(dāng)時35歲，終于過上了 夢寐以求的生活。我嫁給了高中的戀人，在數(shù)年的努力之后終于成功懷孕。沒過多久扎克就降臨人世，完美的一歲小男孩，有時卻像個恐龍，這要看他的心情。擁有扎克的生活非常適合我。我從千人中脫穎而出，第一次成功應(yīng)聘了學(xué)校的崗位。當(dāng)時，我做著夢想中的工作，身邊陪伴的是我的小孩，和我從加拿大“進(jìn)口”的丈夫。

01:06

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

01:07

But a few months before, I'd started feeling pain in my stomachand had gone to every expert to find out why.No one could tell me.And then, out of the blue,some physician's assistant called me at workto tell me that I had stage IV cancer,and that I was going to need to come to the hospital right away.And all I could think of to say was,"But I have a son.I can't end.This world can't end.It has just begun."And then I called my husband, and he rushed to find meand I said all the true things that I have known.I said, "I have loved you forever,I have loved you forever.I am so sorry.Please take care of our son."And then as I began the walk to the hospital,it crossed my mind for the first time,"Oh. How ironic."I had just written a book called "Blessed."

但數(shù)月前，我開始感覺胃疼，我拜訪了很多專家，想查清原因。沒人能解釋清楚。之后毫無預(yù)兆的，某醫(yī)生的助手在我 工作時打電話給我，告知我患上了四期癌癥，并且我需要立刻前往醫(yī)院。當(dāng)時我大腦里唯一能想到的話是：“但我還有個兒子，我不能死。這個世界不能結(jié)束，這才剛剛開始。”之后我打電話給我丈夫， 他飛奔過來，我對他說了我所有的真心話。我說：“我一直愛著你，我一直愛著你。非常對不起。請照顧好我們的兒子。”然后我前往醫(yī)院，途中我第一次想到，“天吶，太諷刺了。”我才剛寫了一本叫“祝?！钡臅?。

02:09

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

02:12

I am a historianand an expert in the idea that good things happen to good people.I research a form of Christianity nicknamed "the prosperity gospel,"for its very bold promise that God wants you to prosper.I never considered myself a follower of the prosperity gospel.I was simply an observer.The prosperity gospel believes that God wants to reward youif you have the right kind of faith.If you're good and faithful,God will give you health and wealthand boundless happiness.Life is like a boomerang:if you're good,good things will always come back to you.Think positively. Speak positively.Nothing is impossible if you believe.

我是一名歷史學(xué)家，篤信“好人有好報”的說法。我研究了基督教的一支， 別稱“成功神學(xué)”，它的名字很直白地告訴你 上帝希望你成功。我從不認(rèn)為自己是成功神學(xué)的信徒，我僅僅是個觀察者。成功神學(xué)認(rèn)為，若你有正確的信仰，上帝就會獎勵你。如果你是個好人，又很虔誠，上帝就會賜給你健康、財富，以及無窮的快樂。生命就像個回旋鏢：如果你是個好人，那么你就會得到好報。想積極的事，說積極的話。世上無難事，只怕有心人。

02:58

I got interested in this very American theologywhen I was 18 or so,and by 25 I was traveling the country interviewing its celebrities.I spent a decade talking to televangelistswith spiritual guarantees for divine money.I interviewed countless megachurch pastors with spectacular hairabout how they live their best lives now.I visited with people in hospital waiting roomsand plush offices.I held hands with people in wheelchairs,praying to be cured.I earned my reputation as destroyer of family vacationsfor always insisting on being dropped off at the fanciest megachurch in town.If there was a river running through the sanctuary,an eagle flying freely in the auditorium,or an enormous spinning golden globe,I was there.

當(dāng)我18歲左右的時候，對這類美國特色的神學(xué)感興趣，25歲時，我周游國家、 采訪名人信徒。我在十年間與電視布道者交談，他們深信上帝會給讓你富有。我采訪過無數(shù)留著驚人 發(fā)型的大教堂主教，關(guān)于現(xiàn)在他們是如何活出精彩的。我探望過在醫(yī)院等候室和豪華辦公室中的人，我也與坐在輪椅上的人握手交談，他們祈禱自己能好起來。我被叫作“家庭度假的破壞者”，因為我總是要求 在鎮(zhèn)上靚麗的大教堂處下車。如果一處圣殿所有河流經(jīng)過、禮堂上盤旋著老鷹，或是上面有巨大的旋轉(zhuǎn)金球，我一定會出現(xiàn)在那個地方。

03:54

When I first started studying this, the whole idea of being "blessed"wasn't what it is today.It was not, like it is now,an entire line of "#blessed" home goods.It was not yet a flood of "#blessed" vanity license plates and T-shirtsand neon wall art.I had no idea that "blessed" would become one of the most common cultural cliches,one of the most used hashtags on Instagram,to celebrate barely there bikini shots,as if to say, "I am so blessed.Thank you, Jesus, for this body."

當(dāng)我開始研究這些時，“祝福”這個概念不是現(xiàn)在的意思，這個概念并不像現(xiàn)在這樣，有一整條完整的“#祝?！奔揖赢a(chǎn)品產(chǎn)業(yè)線。那時沒有大量個性化“#祝?！迸普眨蚴荰恤和霓虹燈藝術(shù)墻。我沒想到“祝?！睍l(fā)展成 一個常見的文化俗套，變成instagram上最常用的標(biāo)簽之一，僅僅是用于慶祝比基尼短褲，就好像在說：“我被祝福著，謝謝你，耶穌，給了我這副身體。”

04:28

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

04:32

I had not yet fully grasped the way that the prosperity gospelhad become the great civil religion,offering another transcendent accountof the core of the American Dream.Rather than worshipping the founding of America itself,the prosperity gospel worshipped Americans.It deifies and ritualizes their hungers,their hard work and moral fiber.

我還沒完全理解成功神學(xué)是如何成為了主要的國民宗教，為美國夢的核心做出另一個超常的解釋。成功神學(xué)推崇的不是 美國建立的本身，而是美國人。它將美國人的渴望、 努力和道德品質(zhì)神圣化及儀式化。

04:58

Americans believe in a gospel of optimism,and they are their own proof.But despite telling myself,"I'm just studying this stuff, I'm nothing like them,"when I got my diagnosis,I suddenly understood how deeply invested I wasin my own Horatio Alger theology.If you live in this culture, whether you are religious or not,it is extremely difficult to avoid falling into the trapof believing that virtue and success go hand in hand.The more I stared down my diagnosis,the more I recognized that I had my own quiet versionof the idea that good things happen to good people.Aren't I good?Aren't I special somehow?I have committed zero homicidesto date.

美國人堅信樂觀主義，他們自己就是見證。盡管我告訴自己：“我只是在研究這個東西， 我與他們不同，”當(dāng)我拿到診斷書時，我突然明白，自己已深陷霍雷肖·阿爾杰理論中。如果你生活在這種文化中， 不管你是否信教，很難避免陷入這樣一種思維：美德和成功是聯(lián)系在一起的。我越盯著看診斷書，越是意識到， 對于“好人有好報”這句話，我有著自己的理解。我不優(yōu)秀嗎？我某種程度上不是獨一無二的嗎？至今為止，我從未殺過人。

05:49

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

05:51

(Applause)

（掌聲）

05:53

So why is this happening to me?I wanted God to make me goodand to reward my faith with just a few shining awards along the way.OK, like, a lot of shining awards.

那么為什么這一切要發(fā)生在我身上？我希望上帝讓我變得優(yōu)秀，并且嘉獎我的虔誠， 只要一點小的獎勵就可以。好吧，我想要很多杰出獎勵。

06:05

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

06:06

I believed that hardships were only detourson what I was certain would be my long, long life.

我相信苦難只是我人生長路上 避不開的幾條彎路而已。

06:14

As is this case with many of us, it's a mindset that served me well.The gospel of success drove me to achieve,to dream big,to abandon fear.It was a mindset that served me welluntil it didn't,until I was confronted with something I couldn't manage my way out of;until I found myself saying into the phone,"But I have a son,"because it was all I could think of to say.

就像其他人那樣， 這種心態(tài)對我很有幫助。成功神學(xué)驅(qū)使我努力、志向高遠(yuǎn)、拋棄恐懼。曾幾何時， 這種心態(tài)對我很有幫助，直到現(xiàn)在，直到我遇到了一個 無法解決的困難；直到我對著電話說：“但我還有個兒子呀，”因為我只能想到這句話。

06:45

That was the most difficult moment to accept:the phone call, the walk to the hospital,when I realized that my own personal prosperity gospelhad failed me.Anything I thought was good or special about me could not save me --my hard work, my personality,my humor, my perspective.I had to face the fact that my life is built with paper walls,and so is everyone else's.

那是最難以接受的一刻：那通電話，趕去醫(yī)院，當(dāng)我意識到自己的成功神學(xué)辜負(fù)了我。我自以為的優(yōu)秀品質(zhì)或特質(zhì)， 都沒法救我——工作努力、人格良好、機智幽默、眼光獨道。我不得不接受這個事實： 我的人生是紙糊的，別人的同樣如此。

07:16

It is a hard thought to accept that we are all a breath awayfrom a problem that could destroy something irreplaceableor alter our lives completely.We know that in life there are befores and afters.I am asked all the time to say that I would never go back,or that I've gained so much in perspective.And I tell them no,before was better.

很難接受，在瞬息之間會有困難完全摧毀某些事物，或是徹底改變我們的生活。我們都知道在人生中， 有“之前”和“之后”兩個階段。我一直被要求做到不要后悔，或是我學(xué)到很多。但我要說不，之前才更好。

07:45

A few months after I got sick, I wrote about thisand then I sent it off to an editor at the "New York Times."In retrospect, taking one of the most vulnerable moments of your lifeand turning into an op-edis not an amazing way to feel less vulnerable.

在我患病后幾個月， 我寫下這些，并且把它發(fā)給《紐約時報》的一位編輯?；叵肫饋?，講述一個 你人生中最脆弱的時刻，并刊登在社論對頁版，并不能有效減輕脆弱的感覺。

08:00

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

08:01

I got thousands of letters and emails.I still get them every day.I think it is because of the questions I asked.I asked: How do you live without quite so many reasonsfor the bad things that happen?I asked: Would it be better to live without outrageous formulasfor why people deserve what they get?And what was so funny and so terrible was, of course,I thought I asked people to simmer downon needing an explanation for the bad things that happened.So what did thousands of readers do?Yeah, they wrote to defend the idea that there had to be a reasonfor what happened to me.And they really want me to understand the reason.People want me to reassure them that my cancer is all part of a plan.A few letters even suggested it was God's plan that I get cancerso I could help people by writing about it.People are certain it is a test of my characteror proof of something terrible I've done.They want me to know without a doubtthat there is a hidden logic to this seeming chaos.They tell my husband,while I'm still in the hospital,that everything happens for a reason,and then stammer awkwardly when he says,"I'd love to hear it.I'd love to hear the reason my wife is dying."

我收到了數(shù)千份回信和郵件，現(xiàn)在每天還能收到一些，我認(rèn)為這是因為我問的問題。我問：如果壞事無緣無故地發(fā)生，你們是如何活下去的？我問：如果不相信好人有好報的話，是不是能輕松地活下去？甚至更加搞笑和糟糕的是，我要求人們冷靜下來，不要再為壞事找緣由。那么數(shù)千名讀者做了什么？他們在信中辯護說對于 發(fā)生在我身上的事一定有一個緣由，并且他們非常想 讓我理解這個緣由。人們希望我向他們保證， 我患癌癥是某個計劃的一部分。有幾封信甚至提議說 是上帝計劃讓我得癌癥，這樣我就能寫出這些，幫助他人。人們確信這是一場對我人性的測試，或是證明了我曾做過什么壞事。他們希望我毫不懷疑的相信，在表面混亂的背后隱藏著邏輯。當(dāng)我還在醫(yī)院的時候，他們告訴我的丈夫，一切都事出有因，但當(dāng)我丈夫說：“我想聽聽理由。我想知道為何我妻子命懸一線。”他們卻又支支吾吾。

09:27

And I get it.We all want reasons.We want formulasto predict whether our hard work will pay off,whether our love and support will always make our partners happyand our kids love us.We want to live in a world in which not one ounceof our hard work or our pain or our deepest hopes will be for nothing.We want to live in a world in which nothing is lost.

然后我懂了，我們都想知道原因，我們都希望這些“準(zhǔn)則”能夠預(yù)測 我們的努力是否會獲得回報，我們的愛和支持是否 會讓我們的伴侶開心、讓我們的孩子愛我們。我們都希望在這個世界上，每一分努力、痛苦或是 最深的希望會得到回報，我們都希望世界上不會有愿望落空。

09:58

But what I have learned in living with stage IV canceris that there is no easy correlationbetween how hard I tryand the length of my life.In the last three years, I've experienced more pain and traumathan I ever thought I could survive.I realized the other day that I've had so many abdominal surgeriesthat I'm on my fifth belly button,and this last one is my least favorite.

若說從四期癌癥中我學(xué)到了什么，那就是在我的努力和我的壽命沒有任何的聯(lián)系。在最近的三年中， 我承受了許多痛苦與創(chuàng)傷，遠(yuǎn)超我覺得自己能夠承受的范圍。另一天我意識到我已經(jīng) 經(jīng)歷過太多腹部手術(shù)，我的肚臍已經(jīng)換過4次，而最新的這顆是我最不喜歡的。

10:26

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

10:29

But at the same time, I've experienced love,so much love,love I find hard to explain.The other day, I was reading the findingsof the Near Death Experience Research Foundation,and yes, there is such a thing.People were interviewed about their brushes with deathin all kinds of circumstances:car accidents, labor and delivery,suicides.And many reported the same odd thing:love.I'm sure I would have ignored it if it hadn't reminded meof something I had experienced,something I felt uncomfortable telling anyone:that when I was sure that I was going to die,I didn't feel angry.I felt loved.It was one of the most surreal things I have experienced.In a time in which I should have felt abandoned by God,I was not reduced to ashes.I felt like I was floating,floating on the love and prayersof all those who hummed around me like worker bees,bringing me notes and socks and flowersand quilts embroidered with words of encouragement.But when they sat beside me,my hand in their hands,my own suffering began to feel like it had revealed to methe suffering of others.I was entering a world of people just like me,people stumbling around in the debrisof dreams they thought they were entitled toand plans they didn't realize they had made.It was a feeling of being more connected, somehow, with other people,experiencing the same situation.

但同時，我也經(jīng)歷了愛，無窮無盡的愛，很難用語言來描述。某天，我正在閱讀瀕死體驗研究基金會 的一份研究報告，這種東西確實存在。他們采訪了各種情況下人們與死亡擦肩而過的體驗：車禍、分娩、自殺。許多人提到了同樣的奇怪事：愛。我確定如果它沒能喚醒我的記憶，讓我想起一些不想告訴他人的事，我肯定會無視它：當(dāng)我確信自己會死亡的時候，我沒有感到憤怒，我感覺被愛著。這是我所經(jīng)歷過最離奇的事之一。當(dāng)我應(yīng)該感到被上帝拋棄的時候，我并未化為灰燼。我覺得自己漂浮著，漂浮在愛與祈禱之上，它們來自圍繞在我周圍、 如蜜蜂般嗡嗡作響的人，給我?guī)砦繂柨?、襪子和鮮花，還有上面繡有鼓勵話語的被子。但當(dāng)他們坐在我的身旁，握住我的手時，我的痛苦好像不再屬于我，變成了我感知的他人的痛苦。我正進(jìn)入像我一樣的人的世界，人們在破碎的夢想前顫抖，曾以為自己有能力實現(xiàn)；在破碎的計劃前戰(zhàn)栗， 沒意識到他們已制定這些計劃。我覺得自己與他人的聯(lián)系加深，體驗著同樣的經(jīng)歷。

12:09

And that feeling stayed with me for months.In fact, I'd grown so accustomed to itthat I started to panic at the prospect of losing it.So I began to ask friends, theologians, historians, nuns I liked,"What I am I going to do when that loving feeling is gone?"And they knew exactly what I was talking about,because they had either experienced it themselvesor they'd read about it in great works of Christian theology.And they said,"Yeah, it'll go.The feelings will go.And there will be no formula for how to get it back."But they offered me this little piece of reassurance,and I clung to it.They said,"When the feelings recede like the tides,they will leave an imprint."

這種感覺，圍繞了我?guī)讉€月。事實上，我習(xí)慣于這個感覺，甚至開始擔(dān)心未來會失去它。所以我開始詢問我喜歡的朋友、 神學(xué)家、歷史學(xué)家和修女：“等我感覺不到被愛著了， 我要做什么？”他們明白我在說什么，因為他們或是自己經(jīng)歷過，或是在基督教義中學(xué)到過。他們回答：“任它去。這個感覺會消失的。沒辦法讓它回來。”但他們提供給我這小小的保證，而我接受了。他們說：“當(dāng)這個感覺如潮水一般退去時，它會留下印記。”

12:57

And they do.And it is not proof of anything,and it is nothing to boast about.It was just a gift.So I can't respond to the thousands of emails I getwith my own five-step plan to divine healthand magical floating feelings.I see that the world is jolted by events that are wonderful and terrible,gorgeous and tragic.I can't reconcile the contradiction,except that I am beginning to believe that these oppositesdo not cancel each other out.Life is so beautiful,and life is so hard.

的確如此。這不能證明任何事情，也沒有可夸耀的地方，這是一件禮物。所以我無法用我的5步神圣健康計劃和神奇的漂浮感來回復(fù)那數(shù)千份郵件。我發(fā)現(xiàn)世界被各種事件震動， 它們或喜或悲，或華麗，或慘烈。我無法調(diào)和矛盾，除了我開始相信這兩面不會相互抵消。生命是如此的美好，生命又是如此的艱難。

13:42

Today, I am doing quite well.The immunotherapy drugs appear to be working,and we are watching and waiting with scans.I hope I will live a long time.I hope I will live long enough to embarrass my sonand to watch my husband lose his beautiful hair.And I think I might.But I am learning to liveand to lovewithout counting the cost,without reasons and assurances that nothing will be lost.

如今，我的狀況還不錯。免疫療法的藥物好像起作用了，而我們正在觀察等待新的掃描結(jié)果。我希望自己能活得長久，我希望能活到 捉弄我兒子的那一刻，能看到我丈夫那美麗的頭發(fā)掉光。我覺得也許自己能活那么久。但我正在學(xué)習(xí)怎么生活、怎么去愛，不計代價，也沒有任何保證和理由說 不會失去任何事物。

14:17

Life will break your heart,and life may take everything you haveand everything you hope for.But there is one kind of prosperity gospel that I believe in.I believe that in the darkness,even there,there will be beauty,and there will be love.And every now and then,it will feel like more than enough.

生活會傷透你的心，生活可能會拿走你擁有的一切，你希望的一切。但我相信一種成功神學(xué)，我相信即使是在黑暗里，也會有美好，也會有愛。時不時地，好像總是有無盡的愛與美好。

14:43

Thank you.

謝謝。

14:45

(Applause)

（掌聲）