(雙語(yǔ))月亮和六便士 第29章(3)

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She couldn't bear the sight of him. It was more than improbable; it was incredible. I thought it was merely jealousy. You see, I've always been jealous, but I trained myself never to show it; I was jealous of every man she knew; I was jealous of you. I knew she didn't love me as I loved her. That was only natural, wasn't it? But she allowed me to love her, and that was enough to make me happy. I forced myself to go out for hours together in order to leave them by themselves; I wanted to punish myself for suspicions which were unworthy of me; and when I came back I found they didn't want me—not Strickland, he didn't care if I was there or not, but Blanche. She shuddered when I went to kiss her. When at last I was certain I didn't know what to do; I knew they'd only laugh at me if I made a scene. I thought if I held my tongue and pretended not to see, everything would come right. I made up my mind to get him away quietly, without quarrelling. Oh, if you only knew what I've suffered!

她那么討厭這個(gè)人。這種事根本不可能，簡(jiǎn)直不能令人相信。我本來以為這是我的嫉妒心在作祟。你知道，我一向是非常嫉妒的，但是我訓(xùn)練了自己，從來不表現(xiàn)出來。她認(rèn)識(shí)的每一個(gè)人我都嫉妒，連你我都嫉妒。我知道她不象我愛她那樣愛我。這是很自然的，不是嗎？但是她允許我愛她，這樣我就覺得幸福了。我強(qiáng)逼著自己到外面去，一待就是好幾個(gè)鐘頭，讓他們兩人單獨(dú)在一起。我認(rèn)為我這樣懷疑她降低了我的人格，我要懲罰自己?？墒钱?dāng)我從外面回來以后我發(fā)現(xiàn)他們并不需要我——思特里克蘭德需要不需要我倒沒關(guān)系，我在家不在家對(duì)他根本無所謂，我是說我發(fā)現(xiàn)勃朗什并不需要我。當(dāng)我走過去吻她的時(shí)候，她渾身一顫。最后我對(duì)這件事已經(jīng)知道得千真萬確，可是又不知道該怎么辦。我知道如果我大吵大鬧一場(chǎng)，只能引起他們的嘲笑。我認(rèn)為如果我假裝什么都沒看到，并不把這件事挑明，也許事情就過去了。我打定主意悄悄地把他打發(fā)走，用不著吵架?？龋俏夷芨嬖V你我心里那個(gè)痛苦勁兒就好了！”

Then he told me again of his asking Strickland to go. He chose his moment carefully, and tried to make his request sound casual; but he could not master the trembling of his voice; and he felt himself that into words that he wished to seem jovial and friendly there crept the bitterness of his jealousy. He had not expected Strickland to take him up on the spot and make his preparations to go there and then; above all, he had not expected his wife's decision to go with him. I saw that now he wished with all his heart that he had held his tongue. He preferred the anguish of jealousy to the anguish of separation.

接著他把叫思特里克蘭德搬出去的事又說了一遍。他很小心地選擇了一個(gè)時(shí)機(jī)，他盡量使自己的語(yǔ)氣顯得很隨便，但是他還是無法克制自己。他的聲音顫抖起來，本來想說得親切、逗笑的話語(yǔ)卻流露出嫉妒的怒火。他沒有想到自己一說，思特里克蘭德就同意了，而且馬上就收拾起東西來。最出乎他意料的是，他的妻子也要同思特里克蘭德一起走?？吹贸鰜?，他非常懊悔，真希望自己繼續(xù)隱忍下去。比起分離的痛苦來，他寧愿忍受妒火的煎熬。