人生不設(shè)限·第四章 愛上不完美的自己

我曾在一次巡回東南亞時，在新加坡對超過300位企業(yè)領(lǐng)袖和創(chuàng)業(yè)家演講。演講結(jié)束，禮堂也清場后，一位高貴的男士跑來找我。從外表看來，他就跟剛才任何一位聽眾一樣，成功且充滿自信，所以當(dāng)我聽到他的第一句話時，覺得非常驚訝。

One day during a tour of East Asia, I spoke to more than three hundred top business executives and entrepreneurs in Singapore. After I finished my presentation and as the hall was clearing, a dignified gentleman came rushing toward me. He looked as successful and self-assured as the rest of the distinguished audience, so his first words on reaching me were surprising.

“力克，幫幫我。”他懇求著。

"Nick, help me," he pleaded.

隨后我知道，這位事業(yè)有成的男士擁有三家銀行，但是他謙卑地請我?guī)椭?，是因?yàn)樨敻粺o法讓他避免他正在經(jīng)歷的極端痛苦。

As I came to learn, this accomplished man owned three banks, but he had humbly come to me for help because material wealth offered no protection from the anguish he was going through.

“我有個很棒的女兒，今年14歲。不知為了什么可怕的理由，每次她看到鏡子里的自己都說丑死了。”這位父親說道，“她完全看不到自己的美好，這真的讓我傷透了心。我該如何讓她看見我所見到的呢?”

"I have a wonderful daughter who is fourteen, and for some horrible reason every time she looks in the mirror she says she feels ugly," he said. "It's breaking my heart that she can't see that she is truly beautiful. How can I make her see what I see?"

這個男人的悲痛很容易被理解，因?yàn)閷Ω改竵碚f，最難承受的就是看著自己的兒女受苦。他正試圖幫助女兒擺脫“自我厭棄”，這是非常重要的，因?yàn)槿绻贻p健康時都無法接受自己，那么等到年紀(jì)大了，身體又有病痛時，該怎么辦呢?而且如果隨隨便便就厭惡自己，以后也很容易因?yàn)樯习賯€任性且毫無價值的理由而討厭自己。如果你一直把注意力放在缺點(diǎn)，而不是你的長處上，青春期的不安會讓人掉入向下的螺旋之中。

It's easy to understand the man's distress, since the most difficult thing for parents to endure is their children suffering. He was trying to help her get through this self-hatred, which was so important, because if we can't accept ourselves when we are young and healthy, how will we feel when we age and experience the medical problems that come with advancing years? And if we hate ourselves for some random reason, it's quite easy to wind up replacing it with hundreds of other arbitrary and equally invalid ones. Youthful insecurities can send you plunging in a downward spiral if you allow yourself to focus on your flaws instead of your strengths.

《圣經(jīng)》告訴我們，人是“奇妙可畏的受造物”[13]，那么，為何愛自己本來的樣子，會是如此困難?為什么我們常常覺得自己不夠美、不夠高、不夠瘦、不夠好?我相信這位新加坡父親一定用了非常多的愛與贊美，試圖為女兒建立自信與自尊。父母與愛我們的人可能費(fèi)盡一切心力，要讓我們變得更堅強(qiáng)、更有自信，結(jié)果同學(xué)或主管、同事一句惡劣的批評，就讓他們前功盡棄。

The Bible tells us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Why, then, is it so difficult for us to love ourselves just as we are? Why do we so often become burdened with feelings that we are not beautiful enough, not tall enough, not thin enough, not good enough? I'm sure this Singapore father lavished his daughter with love and praise, trying to build her confidence and esteem. Our parents and loved ones can wear themselves out trying to build us up, yet it only takes one mean remark from a classmate or nasty comment from a boss or co-worker to undo their efforts.

當(dāng)我們讓別人的意見左右我們對自己的感受，或是去跟別人比較時，就會變得脆弱，并落入受害者心態(tài)。當(dāng)你不愿接受自己，也就不太愿意接受別人，結(jié)果只會導(dǎo)致孤獨(dú)與孤立。有一次，我在對一群青少年演講時提到，想要讓自己更受歡迎的渴望，其實(shí)常常會讓人排斥那些比較不引人注目或不是運(yùn)動健將型的孩子。為了更清楚地說明我的觀點(diǎn)，我提出一個很直接的問題：“你們有多少人會想跟我做朋友?”

We become vulnerable and fall into the victim's mentality when we base how we feel about ourselves on other people's opinions or compare ourselves with others. When you are unwilling to accept yourself, you are less willing to accept others, and that can lead to loneliness and isolation. One day I was speaking to a group of teens about how the desire to be popular often leads people to shun the less attractive or athletic kids in school. To make my point, I asked a straightforward question: "How many of you would like to be my friend?"

還好，大部分人都舉手了。

To my relief, most of the people in the room raised their hands.

接著我又扔出另一個讓他們很困窘的問題：“所以，我長得怎么樣沒關(guān)系，對不對?”

But then I asked a question that threw them off: "So it doesn't matter how I look, right?"

我讓現(xiàn)場的孩子們思考幾分鐘。我們剛剛才談到為了融入同儕，現(xiàn)代青少年花了太多時間在煩惱該如何穿衣服、該剪什么樣的酷發(fā)型、體重不要太重也不要太輕、膚色不要太黑也不要太白之類的事。

I let it sink in for a few minutes. We'd just been talking about how kids spend so much time trying to fit in by wearing just the right clothes, having a cool haircut, and being not too heavy, not too thin, not too tan or too white.

“你們怎么會想跟一個沒手沒腳的家伙做朋友——他應(yīng)該是你們碰過最怪的家伙——但是卻不理某個同學(xué)，只因?yàn)樗麤]有穿對牛仔褲，沒有干凈的膚色或標(biāo)準(zhǔn)身材?”

"How can you want to be friends with a guy with no arms and no legs—the most different guy you'll probably ever meet—but then reject classmates because they don't have the right jeans, or a clear complexion, or a body suited for the fashion runway?"

當(dāng)你用嚴(yán)苛的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)評斷自己，或是在自己身上加諸強(qiáng)大的壓力時，就很容易批判他人。當(dāng)你像上帝愛你一樣地愛自己、接納自己，就打開了通往平靜與圓滿的大門。

When you judge yourself harshly or put intense pressure on yourself, you become judgmental of others. Loving and accepting yourself as God loves you opens the door to a much greater sense of peace and fulfillment.

青少年與年輕人背負(fù)巨大壓力，似乎全球皆然。我曾應(yīng)邀到中國與韓國演講，因?yàn)檫@些發(fā)展快速、辛勤工作的國家出現(xiàn)了日益嚴(yán)重的憂郁和自殺現(xiàn)象，讓我很擔(dān)心。

The pressures that teens and young adults feel seem to be universal. I've been invited to address young people in both China and South Korea because of concerns about high levels of depression and suicide in those rapidly developing, hard-working nations.

我所宣揚(yáng)的愛自己與接納自己，并不是指自私、自負(fù)。這種愛自己的形式其實(shí)是“沒有自己”(self-less)——你的付出超過你所得到的;不等別人要求就自動供應(yīng);擁有的東西不多時依然與人分享;你借由帶給別人歡笑而找到快樂;你愛自己是因?yàn)槟悴皇侵辉谝饽阕约?你對自己原本的樣子很滿意，因?yàn)槟阕寗e人在你身旁很高興。

The kind of self-love and self-acceptance I'm advocating is not about loving yourself in a self-absorbed, conceited way. This form of self-love is self-less. You give more than you take. You offer without being asked. You share when you don't have much. You find happiness by making others smile. You love yourself because you are not all about yourself. You are happy with who you are because you make others happy to be around you.

但假如你就是無法愛自己，因?yàn)闆]有人愛你呢?我想，這是不可能的。你知道的，你我都是上帝的孩子，我們都擁有他無條件的愛、他的憐憫和他的寬恕。每個人都應(yīng)該愛自己，了解自己是不完美的，并原諒自己的過錯，因?yàn)樯系垡褳槲覀冏隽诉@一切。

But what if you just can't love yourself because no one else loves you? I'm afraid that is simply not possible. You see, you and I are God's children. Each of us can count on His unconditional love, His mercy, and His forgiveness. We should love ourselves, be understanding of our imperfections, and forgiving of our mistakes because God does all of that for us.

我曾經(jīng)在南美哥倫比亞的一個戒毒中心演講，聽眾包括吸毒者和曾經(jīng)有過毒癮的人，他們幾乎不尊重自己身為人的價值，以至于用毒品摧毀人生。我通過翻譯向他們保證，無論已經(jīng)吸毒多久，上帝都無條件地愛他們。聽到我這樣說，這些人的臉上有了光彩。如果上帝愿意赦免我們的罪，像那樣愛我們，為什么我們不能原諒自己、接納自己?

During a tour of South America I spoke at a drug rehabilitation center in Colombia. The addicts and former addicts in my audience had so little regard for their value as human beings that they'd nearly destroyed themselves with drugs. I told them that God loved them no matter how long they'd been addicted. Their faces lit up when I assured them, through an interpreter, that God loved them unconditionally. If God is willing to forgive our sins and love us like that, why can't we forgive and accept ourselves? Like the daughter of the Singapore banker, these Colombian drug users lost their way because, for whatever reasons, they devalued their lives. They felt they were unworthy of the best that life had to offer. I told them that we are all worthy of God's love. If He forgives us and loves us, we should forgive and love ourselves and then strive for the best life possible.

就像那位新加坡銀行家的女兒一樣，這些哥倫比亞的毒癮者也迷失了。他們因?yàn)槟承├碛少H低自己，覺得自己不配擁有最好的人生。我告訴他們，每個人都值得擁有上帝的愛，如果他赦免我們、愛我們，我們也應(yīng)該原諒自己、愛自己，然后盡全力追求最美好的人生。

Like the daughter of the Singapore banker, these Colombian drug users lost their way because, for whatever reasons, they devalued their lives. They felt they were unworthy of the best that life had to offer. I told them that we are all worthy of God's love. If He forgives us and loves us, we should forgive and love ourselves and then strive for the best life possible.

當(dāng)耶穌被問到最重要的誡命是什么時，他回答：第一條是盡心、盡性、盡意、盡力去愛上帝;第二條是要愛鄰舍如同愛自己[14]。愛自己并非自私、自滿或以自我為中心，而是將你的生命視為一份禮物，好好地照顧與分享，為人們帶來祝福。

When Jesus was asked to name the most important commandments, he said the first was to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second was to love your neighbor as yourself. Loving yourself is not about being selfish, self-satisfied, or self-centered; it's about accepting your life as a gift to be nurtured and shared as a blessing to others.

不要執(zhí)著于自己的不完美、失敗或錯誤，而是要把焦點(diǎn)放在你所領(lǐng)受的祝福，以及你可以做出的貢獻(xiàn)，無論貢獻(xiàn)的是才華、知識、智慧、創(chuàng)意、勤奮，或是一個滋養(yǎng)人心的靈魂。你不必為了達(dá)到別人的期望而活：你可以定義自己的完美。

Instead of dwelling on your imperfections, your failings, or your mistakes, focus on your blessings and the contribution you can make, whether it's a talent, knowledge, wisdom, creativity, hard work, or a nurturing soul. You don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations. You can define your own version of perfection.