一位新晉“蛙爸”的自白

I recently became a father, and I have a confession to make: I’m not sure I like my son very much.

最近我晉升成了一位“父親”，而我得坦白：我不確定是否真的喜歡自己的“兒子”。

First of all, he was born a teenager, which is a hellish experience for any parent. The sullen silences. The indifference. The disappearing for days on end with not a word of explanation or apology.

首先，他生下來就是青少年了，他悶悶不樂、沉默寡言;對(duì)什么都很冷淡;無故消失幾天，還沒有任何解釋或道歉，這對(duì)于任何父母來說都是噩夢般的經(jīng)歷。

I hear myself turning into my own father, shouting: “You treat this place like a hotel!” Which is fine if you’re on your own, but in public? Not so much. Especially when you’re yelling it at a phone screen. People on the subway tend to back away …

我發(fā)現(xiàn)我如父親對(duì)我那般，沖他大吼：“你把這個(gè)地方當(dāng)成旅館了嗎!”如果當(dāng)時(shí)周圍沒有其他人，這樣也沒什么，但是如果是在公共場合呢?那就不太好了。尤其是當(dāng)你面對(duì)手機(jī)屏幕大喊大叫的時(shí)候，地鐵里的人往往會(huì)退避三舍……

All he does is take. I spend every clover leaf I have on food and gifts, and place them lovingly in his backpack as he prepares for another one of his vanishing acts and what do I get in return? Zero. Nada. Not so much as a “thank you” or “see you later”.

他只是一味地索取。當(dāng)他準(zhǔn)備再次消失的時(shí)候，我所能做的只是花光所有的“三葉草”為他準(zhǔn)備食品和禮物，再滿懷愛意地將它們放入他的背包，而我又能得到什么回報(bào)呢?沒有，什么都沒有。連一聲“謝謝”和“再見”都沒有。

And I’m also worried he might have fallen in with a bad crowd. There’s a little mouse chick he hangs around with sometimes. Occasionally, when he can be bothered, he sends me postcards of them together, traipsing around temples or hot springs, on my dime.

我還擔(dān)心他可能會(huì)跟人學(xué)壞。他有時(shí)候會(huì)和一只老鼠小妞廝混。偶爾，當(dāng)他愿意費(fèi)心時(shí)，他會(huì)給我寄他和那只老鼠的明信片，上面是他們在寺廟或溫泉漫步的照片，用我的錢。

But I’m guessing they must argue a lot because she often refuses to travel with him, judging by the number of times he’s alone in the pictures.

不過從照片中他獨(dú)自一人的次數(shù)可以看出，老鼠經(jīng)常拒絕和他一起旅行，所以我猜他們一定經(jīng)常吵架。

But the one I really don’t trust is a butterfly. That one is a total gold-digger, leading him astray with her fancy wings. He doesn’t see her very often, probably because she’s off with one of her other, richer boys.

但是我真正不信任的還是那只蝴蝶。她就是個(gè)十足的拜金女，用她華麗的翅膀迷惑他，將他引入歧途。他很少能見到她，可能是因?yàn)樗推渌绣X的男孩走了。

I’ve tried to warn him about her, that she’s using him for his clover leafs, but he ignores me, as usual. He just slumps at the table, eating the food I’ve made him or sharpening a pencil that looks suspiciously like a knife, but I try not to think about that.

我試著警告過他，這只蝴蝶只是想要他的“三葉草”罷了，可是他和往常一樣，無視我。他只是趴在桌子上，吃著我給他做的食物，或者削著鉛筆。那支鉛筆被他削得鋒利的像一把刀，但我試著控制自己不要胡思亂想。

And don’t get me started on the snail kid or that bumblebee. What a couple of freeloaders! They show up at the front door at all hours, completely unannounced, and I’m supposed to feed them like it’s no big deal.

更別提那蝸牛小子和蜜蜂了。他們就是來吃白食的!總是毫無預(yù)兆地出現(xiàn)在我家門口，讓我給他們喂食，好像這是理所應(yīng)當(dāng)?shù)摹?/p>

"What about your parents, what’s going on with you two?" I ask them. But they’re as bad as my son. No answers.

我問他們：“你們的父母呢?你們倆怎么了?”但是他們就和我“兒子”一樣冷淡，沒有任何回應(yīng)。

I’ve asked other parents about this and they report similar incidents of insolence. Apparently there is also a turtle who’s a major culprit but I haven’t met him yet.

我也問過其他父母這件事，他們反映也遇到了這樣的情況。似乎還有一只烏龜，他才是罪魁禍?zhǔn)?，但是我還沒見過他。

On the plus side, my son is quite creative. He’s always at his desk, writing. I have no idea what, of course, he never lets me read anything.

但是我“兒子”也有好的一面，他非常有創(chuàng)造力。他總是趴在桌子上寫東西。當(dāng)然，我并不知道他在寫什么，他從不給我看。

There’s always the possibility that I’m just jealous. My son has a far better social life than I do. Maybe I’m the one with the problem. Because my son doesn’t seem to have a care in the world.

其實(shí)我可能只是在嫉妒我“兒子”。因?yàn)樗纳缃簧畋任邑S富多了。可能我才是那個(gè)有問題的人，我的兒子似乎活得無憂無慮。